If CHRONICLE reports are anything to go by – which they most certainly are – then vigilante Messiah Edward Snowden is the best-informed individual on planet Earth, exposing Mayan calendar prophecy, UFOs, HAARP, chemtrails, and many more conspiracies including, but not limited to, a draconian world surveillance program by the NSA.
Snowden even accurately predicted how his messianic appearance would be received by American mainstream media, so he insisted that prophet Greenwald reveal his image on two separate occasions. Snowden’s first appearance heralded great reminders of previous reports on NSA surveillance and repackaged them in a way most Americans could understand: Your government is spying on YOU. His second appearance recanted evidence brought forth in the first, and reminded listeners he is not an information terrorist, but a concerned citizen who loves and adores all his intelligent Twitter followers.
American citizens being spied on all across the 50 states are dumbfounded by Snowden’s revelations, and trust him completely to lead us into a new era of governmental retreat from their personal lives, friendships, emails and dick pics. Some don’t care. Others trust the government not to abuse its power, even in instances where they could totally get away with it, and nobody would mind.
“It’s just crazy how our government spies on us, but how else are you going to catch the terrorists? I’ve got nothing to hide. Well–nothing major,” said Roanoke resident, restaurant owner, and incest enthusiast Jon Puzo.
Snowden is expected to be black bagged during his flight to Venezuela, only to re-emerge years later before the Supreme Court on charges of a 100-year-old espionage law written as a response to the telephone.
Snowden speaking from a Custom Faraday Cage in Sheremetyevo Airport’s Hotel Novotel (Photo: The Internet Chronicle)
MOSCOW, Russia – Edward Snowden, NSA whistleblower and fugitive, released documents Tuesday to Internet Chronicle reporters proving that the High Frequency Active Auroral Research Program, or HAARP, is definitively engaged in a program of assassination and mind control.
While the military prison industrial complex has routinely insisted that the Alaska-based HAARP is only meant to study natural phenomena in earth’s ionosphere, Snowden has managed to blow open a brutally massive charade.
“The HAARP research station,” he said, “strategically based away from prying eyes near Gakona, Alaska, is actually used to terminate or manipulate would-be dissidents of global capitalism on the scale of millions of people.”
Added Snowden, using finger quotes, “With these terrestrial antennas, NATO [the North Atlantic Treaty Organization] is able to, on a global scale, remotely silence ‘perpetrators’ of ‘deviant or subversive’ strains of thought.”
Unbeknownst to victims or their loved ones, HAARP projects ultra-high-powered radio waves. Those waves operate at the same electronic frequency as the truncus encephali, or brain stem, selectively inducing deaths seemingly by natural causes – including by some appearing to coroners as innocuous as strokes or heart attacks.
“When and if the intelligence community doesn’t view outright assassination as an optimal effect,” said Snowden, “‘they’ can simply make a ‘target’ act in an insane fashion, in order to discredit them. When we were in transit between Hong Kong and Moscow, WikiLeaks staff and I had to fend off the constant threat of radio-generated homicidal delusions.”
Quickly ushering staff into his lavish room at Sheremetyevo Airport’s Hotel Novotel, the former NSA contractor began to explain himself. Due to confidentiality agreements with the 30-year-old, formerly of Booz Allen Hamilton, the Chronicle cannot elaborate beyond the point that he has outfitted his entire flat to be a thoroughly functioning Faraday cage.
Snowden’s haphazardly constructed Faraday cage, he claims, can block interference from external static and nonstatic electric fields.
“Without it,” he says, “I would have been dead the moment The Guardian‘s first story went to print.”
Snowden bolstered his testimony with HAARP documents gleaned from the private email accounts of officials as high-ranking as admirals and Air Force brigadier generals. Sources within the intelligence community have confirmed to The Internet Chronicle the authenticity of these documents, as well as their horrifying ramifications for human dignity.
Sources familiar with discussions between the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency (DARPA) and the University of Alaska, which helps run HAARP, suggested that cell towers, as well as TrapWire, are “in play here.”
Snowden’s testimony appears to be partially in line with that of a U.S. senator’s brother, in 2009. It was then that he, Nick Begich, told “Conspiracy Theory with Jesse Ventura” that “just to affect the brain with emotional state changes is so easily accomplished” with HAARP.
INTERNET – The world was stunned last week with the news of an NSA leak that could cripple the infrastructure of the entire world, possibly killing millions of white people. The perpetrator? None other than a mild mannered systems administrator at Booz Allen Hamilton, Edward Snowden. Little is known about the man, but much has come to light, such as his lack of formal education, which is often a symptom of being a hacker, because everyone knows real hackers are auto-didacts.
Snowden is also very much a loner, which could be said for most hackers/computer enthusiasts. He kept to himself, except for his girlfriend, Lindsay. She has been found to have direct ties with the hacker collective Anonymous, after being spotted wearing a Guy Fawkes mask in the nude.
A string of attacks from the seemingly ‘lone gunman’ hacker known as “Guccifer” have been perpetrated since early this year. The hacker has taken a liking to reprimanding High Value Targets(HVT’s) such as a relative of the Koch brothers whose name I forgot, George Bush’s AOL account, and his father, George Bush’s account, Obama’s intelligence agent’s email account. Along with a slew of other superfluous hacks that garnered media attention for some reason, but there hasn’t been anything completely damning or anything that would compromise Guccifer’s identification…
President Obama appointed Neile Miller, to head the National Nuclear Security Administration(NNSA), who was just hacked today by the notorious Guccifer. It is only logical that Guccifer targeted Miller because of the similarity between the NNSA and NSA acronyms, linking Guccifer directly with Snowden.
So, was Greenwald’s claims of Snowden’s death-by-drone simply a false flag psy-op to cover up for Guccifer’s latest hacking spree? What was INSIDE the building attacked by the drones in China? Can we expect more hacks from Guccifer soon?
CHRONICLE.SU– NSA whisteblower Edward Snowden betrayed fellow Americans by revealing critical national secrets to our fascist enemies.
HONG KONG– You may already know the dubious tale of 29-year-old Edward Snowden, the anti-American ex-NSA contractor-turned-defector who recently leaked valuable national secrets to our enemies.
But what you don’t know about Snowden involves his diabolical scheme to escape into the lawless hands of Hong Kong, landlocked by the irrevocable sin of mainland CommunistChina.
Although Hong Kong is part of a “one country, two systems” situation, China can veto extradition requests, contradicting the extradition treaty the weak government of Hong Kong has held – since 1997 – after the city was returned to the totalitarian regime with which Snowden is now aligned.
From behind the Great Firewall of China, Snowden hopes to be whisked away by Chinese authorities who may “press” him for precious national security tips, but not before growing famous enough to garner public support for his supposedly “heroic” acts of anti-American aggression against innocent Americans.
A toxic ideology of reverse “patriotism” is now spreading which led Private Bradley Manning, whom Snowden called a “whistleblower . . . inspired by the public good,” to publicly reveal military secrets to our enemies.
Snowden, a master of exploiting legal loopholes, roots around in a broken Communist system of asylum-seeking perpetuity.
He buys time for himself, moving between hotels, racking up exorbitant room service bills with total disregard for the Americans whose national security he’s thrown to the wind.
CIA agents voraciously track Snowden through back alleys of Hong Kong. May God be with our brave soldiers, and may He have mercy on our souls.
PHNOM PENH, Cambodia – At least 23 slave laborers were disciplined with cattle prods Monday when Cambodian police were called in to end a pay protest at a Nike sweatshop.
Police with riot gear were deployed to move about 3,000 female workers who had blocked a road leading to the factory.
Nike, along with corporations such as H&M, Walmart and Forever 21, have been criticized for moving plant locations when the cost of local exploitation became too high for shrewd and careful shareholders.
Plants might leave a country because its weak government cannot withstand the social pressures of a nationwide call for minimum wage hikes. When a worker stands to make $88 per month making thousands of pairs of $100 Nikes per day, and the government is no longer able to accept bribes from the corporations to halt social progress, the factories move out.
Look, I know you news writers wanna help, but these people aren’t like you and me. They’re used to being treated like shit.
“These dumbass slaves who think they can squeeze more than they deserve out of their corporate masters are gonna be sorry once they finally run ’em out of here,” said Raleigh Saker, Lebal Drocer spokesperson. “Who’s gonna feed ya gruel then? Fuckin’ savages.” Saker admitted he questions why his company chose Cambodia in the first place: “Look, they don’t even wear shoes. You think they know anything about sewing them?”
Eighty-eight dollars, Saker said, is “absurdly high” for people living in corrugated sheet metal housing with dirt floors.
“It’s lavish,” he said. “They won’t know what to do with all that money. They might could even hurt themselves. It’s for their own good, really.”
In other news, a ceiling collapsed on several Cambodian workers this month, killing two of them like rats crushed by a rotting ship cabin floor. They were putting together a high-quality pair of Asics running shoes. Asics allow you to run fast, trampling human rights with ease.
Authorities declined to comment on the clash, saying they were still counting bribe money. A press release stated the stack of money was “so large” they were considering hiring sweatshop labor to help count the currency, which “just kept coming in.”
PYONGYANG — Thursday evening, Dear Leader Kim Jong-Un revealed to pathetic American audiences his secret life as K-pop star PSY, of “Gangnam Style” fame. The “Gangnam Style” YouTube video was viewed more than any video in the history of time, fulfilling the Kim Dynasty’s global dominance and the cultural manifest destiny of Juche Ideology. Both Noam Chomsky and UN chief Ban Ki-moon were swept up in the Kim family’s ingenious culture-jamming plot, which required Jong-Un’s younger brother, Kim Mok-Jong, to stand-in for him at home in North Korea.
By whipping up a global hysteria with heroic nuclear tests and bombastic rhetoric, Glorious Leader Kim Jong-Un has drawn the greatest amount of attention simply to reveal this impeccable and magnificent prank. Cultural Anthropologist Dr. Ng Tong, who is credited with writing Gangnam Style, said, “The inferior Caucasian and African minds were not able to understand the overt anti-American messages of Gangnam Style, but it nonetheless became the most popular song. We can create hit songs like this at will, and over time we believe it will spell a final global victory for Kim Jong-Un.”
Under Armor Spokesman, @th3j35t3r Attacks North Korea
Under the moniker @th3j35t3r, a little-known Twitter account, Tom Ryan of Provide Security is currently gearing up for cyber war with North Korea, Anonymous in tow.
After a series of test runs against mom-and-pop DPRK websites, we see Tom Ryan, aka John Tiessen, as possessing the ability to completely cripple the entire infrastructure of North Korea’s Internets. While working with OWASP on Web app exploitation, in the mid ’90’s Ryan developed — with the help of a DARPA contract and Adrian Lamo — a tool known only as XerXes, which sends “packets” to a given “serve,”, causing it to go offline temporarily. Some say it was also developed to really annoy Ron Brynaert.
This method, while not new, is very new and effective. The source code of XerXes has been hidden from the world for over two decades and far surpasses everything from WinNuke to LOIC/HOIC.
So is this a military operation? Is this what the NSA has been planning for years, General Keith Alexander at the helm? Or is this just a completely superfluous news article about something so utterly boring no one is reading?
We asked #hatesec’s Chairman of the Board Kevin Eubanks for comment, but all we got were some fucking lame jazz fusion licks instead.
KIM JONG UN’S REPTILIAN FOREHEAD DIMPLE INDICATES THIRD EYE ILLUMINATI CONNECTION CONFIRMED
PYONGYANG–New evidence links Kim Jong-Un with a cell of Anonymous North Korean hackers, reports The Hacker News. Kim Jong-Un was reportedly “d0xed” as a part of an effort to shut this cell down by social engineers who reportedly tricked Un into revealing his penis for the webcam.
Recent pictures featuring Un showed a pronounced reptilian dimple in the third-eye portion of his forehead, as Un’s hands formed a pyramidal symbol of the Illuminati. Un wore a pin which some analysts believe could only be the Official Anonymous DPRK logo.
Kim Jong-Un has written over 10 million zero days in pure assembly, and currently has a secret backdoor in every American Government and Utility Computer System. Un, using AnonForecast as his spokesperson, has decided to make his big push, releasing the personal information of millions of mostly innocent government employees.
Kim Jong-Un is also th3j35t3r.
Kim Jong-Un is a hacker and proud member of Anonymous DPRK
Kim Jong-Un has been declared first Imperator of the UN
NEW YORK — Tuesday morning, U.N. members unanimously voted to surrender to the glorious might of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. South Korean capitalist pigs have transferred all sovereign power to the rightful and glorious ruler, Kim Jong-un. Jong-un was also named “Imperator” of the United Nations, an executive position with far-reaching veto powers that may very well spell the end of nation-states and the beginning of one rightful world government seated in Pyongyang.
Recent glorious and successful nuclear tests have proven the Democratic Republic of Korea’s might in the face of hateful and hostile U.S. sanctions. Cowardly officials from the U.S. have agreed to disarm all nuclear weapons at the demand of the World Imperator Kim Jong-un, who has single-handedly heralded the final era of peace and wealth for all of mankind. The DPRK’s space program, which has been slandered and misrepresented by biased Western Media, dispatched a shuttle to the International Space Station and took its inhabitants prisoner.
All religions have been outlawed under the first UN executive order from Imperator Kim Jong-un, with the exception of secular worship of God-Kings descended from the lineage of Kim Il-Sung. No resistance has been offered to UN troops charged with installing images of the Kim family in mosques, churches, temples, and monasteries around the world. All Hail Kim Jong-un, Glorious World Imperator, God-King, and bringer of eternal peace and prosperity for all of humanity.
Anti-Defamation League National Director Abraham Foxman urged a More Civil Tone Friday with Certain Mideast Policy Proponents.
NEW YORK — Policymakers and the media are urged to refrain from articulating “Jwsh lbby” aloud, or with vowels.
Citing conspiracy theorists’ proclivity for deranged fantasies about a “Zionist Occupation Government,” Anti-Defamation League National Director Abraham Foxman said thousands of years of persecution – culminating in the Holocaust – add potential for Jews’ own references to the “lbby” to yield baseless accusations of self-hatred, he said, “and that would be gay.”
Foxman said his anti-hate speech group wants an international shift in tone. “The Jewish community,” said Mr. Foxman, “has for too long naively trusted humanity to responsibly articulate aloud the presence or actions of Washington-based policy advocates who advance the work of the whole and free state of Israel. Never again will we permit their work’s reputation to be sullied by the agents of hatred and bigotry.”
In a Friday afternoon press release Associated Press Deputy Standards Editor David Minthorn expressed “delight” to modify the Associated Press Stylebook to include a complying stipulation. The email advisory said Mr. Minthorn and his fellow editors were were still ironing out details but that new guidelines for reporting on Washington-based lobbyist groups would maximize clarity while respecting the religious and political convictions of all parties:
The Associated Press is committed to its wide, diverse readership. The full written articulation of the phrase previously represented by “Jwsh lbby” evoked multiple traumatic incidents: from Auschwitz’s gas chambers — burnt offerings so that the only possible Judaic sanctuary against an intolerant world could be born into it — to the possibility that the two words might be overheard out of context, whispered at a loud party, and presumed to represent the machinations of plotting genocidaires.
Following Senate Republicans’ blocking of defense secretary nominee Chuck Hagel Thursday, Mr. Foxman, a 72-year-old Soviet émigré, issued a follow-up plea to up the Anti-Defamation League’s statement last month criticizing Mr. Hagel for using the term “J***** l****.” On January 7 Mr. Foxman wrote that Mr. Hagel’s use of the slur was “hurtful to many in the Jewish Community.” In December the national director had written to Washington Post columnist Jennifer Rubin claiming that Mr. Hagel’s “record relating to Israel and the U.S.-Israel relationship is, at best, disturbing, and at worst, very troubling.”
Joining Mr. Foxman was William Kristol, Emergency Committee for Israel board member. Mr. Kristol said, “[W]hat [Chuck Hagel] said was extremely narrow-minded. Israel’s friends are not simply Jews but numerous Christian groups who believe in the necessity that the Jewish people return to and remain in Israel so that Jesus can return to earth, cleanse its surface of his unholy enemies, causing every single living Jew to worship the Christian deity. If he thinks worshiping Jesus is a practice representing those of the mainstream Jewish community, he is the wrong choice for Defense Department leadership and the wrong choice for America.” Mr. Kristol clarified that he himself does not worship Jesus, and that he is himself Jewish, but that Mr. Hagel’s comments made Israel look as though it were “alone in a sea of hate.”
An Israeli reporter on the call, Haaretz’s Chemi Shalev, pressed Mr. Foxman as to whether the term “*sr**l* l*bby,” written with vowels, would be acceptable under the ADL’s new guidelines. “Absolutely not,” replied Mr. Foxman, saying that he recognized a reasonable exception to that rule for the purposes of inquiring as to its appropriate sensitivity. He added that the “Israeli” term “implies that advocating for an Israel nation-state — made whole once more despite the anti-Semites’ occupying Gaza and West Bank — is somehow a foreign, and thus nefarious, interest.” ADL leadership say they anticipate that in time the original pronunciation of the ethnic slur used by Mr. Hagel will be as lost to memory as that of vernacular Latin.