Santa Clause is on a tear! And this holiday season, it’s everyone’s fault but his. All the people destroying Santa’s life could have paid the ultimate price, but Santa’s last gift to the world was himself.
To brighten the lives of those affected by Kris Kringle’s tragic self-destruction, The Internet Chronicle has compiled a list of all the people who ever brought Santa down, and should have seen it coming.
1. His wife
Mrs. Clause, that cheatin’ bitch
2. His minister
“santa kept insisting he had the same powers as Christ, he should get the same recognition as Christ. I told him yeah, but you ain’t him.”
He said, “I’ll show you. I’ll show all of you how powerful I am.”
3. His best friend
Things got weird after a drunken night on the South Pole, where Santas and best friends sometimes go to get away from their cheating wives.
Details are unclear, but sources close to the proto-deity toy-giver suggest a hot tub was involved and at one point, a man was overheard shouting, “Santa’s Workshop is for experimenting, too.”
4. His country club mistress
Santa makes and delivers toys in a single miraculous night, but come December 26th, the big guy is – frankly – all out of miracles.
After all, he’s only a man.
5. The Elves
Santa’s Elves say they worked permanent days through permanent nights, while Santa’s frenzy for toys only grew hungrier with the passing weeks.
Before turning the gun on himself, Santa destroyed as many as 27 elf slaves.
While tracking Santa as we’ve done every year since the technology was invented, we noticed a decline in Santa’s enthusiasm for visiting ghettoes and favelas.
In recent years we also took notice of Santa’s marked preference for delivering toys to the little boys and girls living at liquor stores and known whorehouses.
GRAND RAPIDS, Mich.–Citizens mourn the loss of former US Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton, who surrendered to a mysterious illness Thursday, September 22, while chilling in Grand Rapids, Michigan, where she was scheduled to give a speech about being a woman.
Details are as yet unclear regarding the future of the 2016 presidential race, but sources close to the Clinton candidacy suggest all signs pointed to a Kaine-Trump ticket, and many politely refused to address obvious signs of Clinton’s declining health.
Donald Trump said he will no longer use “lamestream media” to promote his latest round of attacks on Hillary, sponsored by the return of Crystal Pepsi. In remarks to the Chronicle, Trump said efforts to whitewash Hillary’s dependence on human trafficking for income led her to “some really bad guys…is what’s probably fucking her up.”
Trump said dressing Hillary up as a woman of the people is like “putting lipstick on a pig.” He didn’t really say that. I said it. Actually, Obama said it about Palin:
2008: Obama poked fun of McCain and Palin’s new “change” mantra.
“You can put lipstick on a pig,” he said as the crowd cheered. “It’s still a pig.”
“You can wrap an old fish in a piece of paper called change. It’s still gonna stink.”
“We’ve had enough of the same old thing.”
But it’s all the same shit.
Hillary’s offices and files were seized by SWAT forces. An official at the scene said her remaining hard drives will be probed and held as evidence in pending judgments against her estate by the FBI.
WATCH BELOW: HILLARY RODHAM CLINTON LOSES CONTROL OF HER BODY NEAR MULTIPLE SECRET SERVICE ESCORTS
As a result of your gross fixation on death, Clinton’s cause of death was an afterthought, merely appended to the end of this article, buried in this sentence, in which you learn she died of pneumonia.
Experts predict Trump may actually have a chance in her wake. His odds of winning improve greatly after Clinton’s death, since now she is unable to host a foreign campaign fundraiser, which was scheduled later in Vienna, Austria, a neutral country.
All the while, we do it doggystyle here at chronicle.su – stay with us because next time we meet, we will be exploring a whole new world of possibilities afforded to the very rich under either successive regime.
Before her death, Hillary slammed Trump when news broke of his plans for a lavish, expensive funeral service. Hillary said unlike her gaudy opponent, she will not have a big fancy funeral. Her simple request?
“I just want to be buried with my slaves.”
“If it ain’t Virginia neoliberalism, it ain’t Tim Kaine. ‘Cause Kaine does her The Virginia Way!”
Paid for by Tim Kaine.
This message proudly sponsored by Tim Kaine, our new Newtopian Overlord. All abord the Kaine Traine! ALL ABOOOOOOOARD!
but the world is both enormous and small, and other platitudes! What are your platitudinal coordinates, captain?
Can’t type that on an iPhone!@
Can’t type shit on an iphone.
Jeremy Scahill uses Apple’s Encryption for all his sensitive journalist work, so you know it’s safe
Moths are beating themselves mercilessly against the auto glass right now. It is like they have no control over it at all. One has landed on the glass inches away from the computer screen, and it’s just quivering. It is so close now. To the glowing.
And when you’re up against that old glowing, then what do you do?
[This is your captain phr34k1ng at 100 knots 10 yards above the ground. My platitudinal coordinates lie exactly at Life is about opportunities, and how you embrace those opportunities — and live every day like it’s your last. We is all already dead, but we’re just a walkin’ around, talkin’ about it.
Slavoj Žižek showed signs of cocaine addiction for several years leading up to his death.
Ljubljana, Slovenia — Fans mourn the loss of 65-year-old Marxist commentator Slavoj Žižek, who lost his lifelong battle with cocaine addiction Monday.
Though he was not considered by intellectuals to be a “true” philosopher, which bothered him deeply, Žižek was regarded by his following as a forward thinker and a master in his field.
He gained notoriety as a Communist editorial writer during the liberalization of former Yugoslavia under Tito – where his drug habit began – and later played himself in screenplays “The Pervert’s Guide to Cinema” and “The Pervert’s Guide to Ideology.”
Žižek was found alone in his Ljubljana flat where he was confirmed dead. Paramedics on the scene told reporters he appeared to be coated in a fine dust, “presumably cocaine,” one witness said.
Sources close to Žižek who asked that their names be withheld said he had grown cold and distant.
Slavoj Žižek exhibited many telltale signs of cocaine abuse, including “coke nose.”
The source said Žižek exhibited many telltale signs of drug abuse during public appearances at universities and forums. Eccentric mannerisms – his wild, swinging hands, half-hour tangents and long, unending chains of run-on clauses – are just a few examples, while publicists and MCs blamed his constantly running nose on “allergies” to spare him any indignity.
“Talking to Slavoj was like talking to someone through six inches of bulletproof glass,” the source told chronicle.su. “He said he understood our concerns, but his lost, vacant eyes told another story.”
Žižek’s editors complained his writing had become scattered and disjointed. McGraw-Hill told the Internet Chronicle that Žižek often repeated himself throughout his copy, and that editors sometimes used the Microsoft Windows command ‘ctrl+f’ to highlight and revise countless instances of repetition. In a single draft, Žižek was rumored to have used the word “Hegelian” more than 2,000 times.
Royalties from Žižek’s various works are expected to go to Jela Krečič, his wife. The family has asked the media to respect their privacy in this difficult and uncertain time.
The Internet kills thousands of people each year, including CHILDREN.
The Internet was responsible for an estimated 2,460 deaths in 2014: an alarming trend as the number of Internet-related murders triples, doubles, double-triple-double-double-triple-checks each year.
26-year-old Maria Constanelli, who died on New Year’s Eve when a craigslist response went dangerously wrong – so I was wondering how late you’re open to – fell victim to her Facebook stalker during a routine w4m no-strings-attached meetup.
Theresa, her mother, said Maria – who did not want her mother to worry – always told her where she was going to be prior to meeting strange men on the Internet. This time was no different.
“I thought Dugan Nash sounded like a nice boy,” Theresa said. “When she said she was meeting one of them Nash boys, I thought to myself, ‘He sounds right proper.'”
Theresa said Nash, the man Maria was alleged to meet, was known for his R&B single that goes like: Flip. Double flip. Double-triple-flip.
“They do that one song, that’s like, uh, double-flip, double-triple-flip-flip. Triple check. Double flip, triple-triple,” Theresa said. “They do that one song that’s like, uh, triple-double-triple-triple-check.”
While Maria’s whereabouts are still unknown, countless others continue to suffer by the invisible hand of the Internet. Won’t you do something today?
Henry Rollins committed suicide after a torrent of hatemail for his criticism of Robin William’s Suicide.
INTERNET — Henry Rollins, also known as Henry Garfield, was found dead in his home Saturday after his stomach tragically burst. Rollins angrily denounced Robin Williams for his recent suicide, saying, “I no longer take this person seriously,” but doctors say his ruptured chest was full of viciously chewed hate mail from Robin Williams fans.
Henry Rollins will be missed for his interesting addition to the classic American Hardcore band Black flag, even though he felt the band never really made it, saying “Flag never assimilated will with the Hollywood Punk scene.” Rollins was known in the music scene for his daddy issues, famously phoning up Ian MacKaye, a grandmaster of angry white man hardcore second only to Jello Biafara, to ask for permission to join Black Flag. MacKaye approved.
Not only was Black Flag an outsider in its milieu, but Rollins was an outsider, a mere replacement within Black Flag. The band, and Rollins especially, were targeted for abuse everywhere they played. Rollins himself admitted, “I got bottles bounced off of the head — after a a while, you become very wary, ready for someone to fuck with you — you get into you-versus-me situations. To this day I take shit.”
No one ever really liked Henry Rollins, especially his spoken-word stuff, and he will most likely not be missed by anyone except maybe four people at the most. Robin Williams was definitely more popular, his suicide overshadowing Rollins’ by far.
Jesus not only hated taxation, he hated capitalism.
ROME— Late last night along a steep ridge on Bald Mountain, the Jewish rabble-rouser Jesus of Nazareth was crucified for crimes against Caesar. The self-proclaimed “King of the Jews” lay hanging on a cross through the night like a slaughtered lamb, blood spilling from his stigmatas, while hordes of provincial peoples poured into the Roman-occupied city of Yerushalayim to celebrate Passover, a local religious festival.
The Galilean-born ‘Messiah’ was rumored to have arrived in the city earlier this week on either a stolen colt or donkey – accounts vary – spreading messages of wealth redistribution, market regulation, and universal healthcare.
After an incident at a local temple involving table-turning and preying on widows, authorities were tipped off to to the healer-prophet-vagabond’s whereabouts by Judas Iscariot, a former follower turned whistleblower.
In a statement issued to the press, Mr. Iscariot spoke of his growing dissatisfaction with his former leader, “Jesus talks about this egalitarian society, right? Yet the fucker has his own hierarchical structure within his own following! Pete, Jimmy, Matthew—these fellows get all the attention, the adoration, while me and Barty are left at the wayside like a couple of stale Matzo balls.”
The deceased first stood trial before a local council of chief priests who were unable to produce testimony germane to the death penalty they were seeking.
After trumping up charges of tax evasion, the priests appealed to Rome’s own representative, Pontius Pilate, the 5th prefect of Judea. The Nazarene appeared before Pilate bearing all the signs of a heathen having been tortured. After a lengthy conversation revolving around “truth”, Pilate reported to the priests that he “found no fault in Him at all.” However, the holy men implored Pilate that he not be released, saying that Jesus was a stain upon Caesar’s neoliberal paradise.
Incidentally, this was all happening during Passover and Jewish tradition states a prisoner to be released during the holy week. But due to popular demand, and against his own judgment, Pilate released Barbarras, a well-known robber, instead of Jesus. This decision is said to have had quite an ill effect on the Roman prefect in the hours since.
After a good flogging on his way out of the city and up the mountain, Jesus was finally nailed to the cross. His mother Mary was in attendance, along with a few followers. Jesus’ last words were reported to be, “Ma! I’m thirsty, gimme some of that sour wine!”
Ian Watkins planned on raping a handful of babies.
Worcestershire, England — Fans mourn the loss of former Lostprophets singer Ian David Karslake Watkins, who committed suicide early Wednesday morning in his cell at HM Prison Long Lartin.
Watkins was pronounced dead at 4:38 a.m. UTC. Cause of death was listed as “self asphyxiation, or suicide by hanging.” He was 36.
Watkins is survived by step-father and Baptist minister John Davies, his mother Elaine, and Daniel, his 24-year-old brother who distanced himself from Ian in the final months of the singer’s life. He is also survived by former Lostprophets musicians Lee Gaze, Mike Lewis, Stuart Richardson, Jamie Olider and Luke Johnson.
Inside reports suggest Watkins was facing pressure in the form of death threats from other inmates. Watkins was overheard remarking that he feared for his life.
Because no will was entered into the public record, Watkins’ continuing charitable contributions to the Kidney Wales Foundation for Children will cease.
The Watkins estate is to be turned over instead to the UK for disbursement into public works projects, as is customary in Wales when a convicted pedophile with enormous assets dies without a notorized will.
Watkins suffered in the wake of numerous convictions on sexual assault charges against children, for which he was sentenced to prison for 29 years last December. Authorities got involved when the Lostprophets frontman made plans to rape adoring fans and their babies. Prosecutors uncovered “the most shocking and harrowing child abuse the nation has ever seen.”
Senior investigating officers on Watkins’ case described him as a “committed, organised paedophile.” The judge, Mr. Justice Royce, said Watkins “plunged into new depths of depravity” referring to Watkins’ text messages to his victims: “If you belong to me, so does your baby.”
After entering his guilty plea, Watkins referred to his sex offenses as being “mega lolz.”
Joe Rogan died from a DMT overdose on Sunday morning.
INTERNET — Joe Rogan, host of the Joe Rogan Experience podcast, accomplished mixed martial artist and comedian, died tragically from a DMT overdose on Sunday.
Rogan was an outspoken advocate for the use of psychedelic drugs as entheogens, or substances which are used specifically to trigger mystic or transcendent experiences. However, Wikipedia and the news media incorrectly framed Rogan as promoting “recreational” use of drugs, leading some to draw a connection between this misrepresentation and the overdose which followed.
Rogan described himself as an “open-minded skeptic,” and investigated a wide variety of fringe or “conspiracy” subjects. Critic and conspiracy expert Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador once pointed out, “Rogan’s investigative purpose, to weigh in on whether a conspiracy theory is ‘real’ or ‘crazy’ relies on the outdated assumption that a human can access a universal truth. Joe has denied holding this belief when speaking of his experiences on DMT, but he doesn’t seem to inhabit it fully. Rogan is a chemtrail denier, for instance, but also admits that ‘real’ chemtrails are the everyday pollution from burnt jet fuel. He refuses to give any merit to the idea that chemtrails are part of a slow genocide or weather control scheme perpetrated by a secret cabal. Through this myth, and I don’t mean ‘myth’ in the sense of a lie but rather a useful story, chemtrail conspiracists are able to endlessly cultivate an appropriate level of alarm on the topics of pollution and climate change. Just like Joe, one of the most important realizations I’ve had from DMT trips is that symbols should not be interpreted as signs referencing ‘reality’ or God and that ultimately there is no access to ‘reality’ to begin with — there are only symbols which act as an interface between God and the self for the mystic, or God and the community as in organized religion. It’s not about who’s right and who’s wrong — that kind of language is totally outdated and tells us very little about what it purportedly describes.”
Grieving family members have disbursed Rogan’s estate to fighter Anderson Silva in hopes that Silva’s shin might be repaired so he can return to the octagon. Silva’s gruesome injury has caused mixed martial artists to question the safety of the Muay Thai shin kick just as the “push kick” or “elliptical kick” cribbed from Wing Chun has gained an increased popularity among fighters. Rather than causing career ending injuries to the practitioner, the push kick has hyper-extended the knees of several mixed martial artists unfortunate enough to wind up on the receiving end of the devastating technique.
Miley Is Predicted To Devastate Humanity In The Coming Weeks
Miley Cyrus is rumored by the religious elite to be small enough to disintegrate in the atmosphere but experts predict Miley could vaporize so rapidly, she will explode, said MIT physicist Dr. Angstrom Troubadour, creating an electromagnetic pulse so magnificent it will remain in the sky for days, and disable communication systems throughout the southern hemisphere.
“The fumes from the event will block out all sunlight,” Dr. Troubadour said, “and poison those who inhale Miley’s microscopic remains.”
As Voyager left the edge of the Solar System August of last year, the data reported back huge flashes of probability fractals estimated by Benford’s Law to represent the dissolution of Earthly homeostasis.
It’s expected to be a major PR pseudoevent,” said Miley publicist Jake Downer. “Wait till we get those hot photographs of the bits and pieces. We’ll see every last inside – we will see every atom of her body individually. Rumor has it, pictures already hit the torrent sites.”
Teen fan Arianna Simpson waited nearly 14 hours outside the Roanoke Civic Center Friday to see Miley in concert. Arianna said she and her father watched Miley grow up.
“She does a lot more provocative things now, but she still speaks to me, in my heart,” said Arianna.
This article is part 1 in a 1 part series called Miley Analytics
If Miley’s toxic disintegration into the atmosphere does not kill her, then her nudity-enhanced spinout into oblivion could create a miniature black hole rivaling the size and sustainability of those found in the Large Hadron Collider in Geneva.
“Really though, we just wanted to take out the kids, and let them have a good time,” said Arianna’s father Lester Simpson. “They love Hanna Montana, and God knows I sure do.”