“i’m the queen of the world. everyone loves me, and you guys will do whatever i want you guys to do (; cause i’m THAT famous! (;”
TAMPA, FLA. — Giovanna Plowman’s rise to fame was meteoric, but as she dazzled Internet denizens with feats of amazing fecundity, she also sowed the seeds of her own demise. Just 48 hours into her new career as the Internet’s most famous tampon-sucker, the ceaseless bullying of the heartless masses forced her to commit suicide. Ms. Plowman’s suicide video has since received over 50 million views from adoring fans.
“[G]iovanna just wanted to be famous like all of us. I can’t believe they’d do this to her, just for expressing herself,” said one commenter on YouTube. Fans may have only known her for a few short days, but the hole she plugged in their hearts was left gaping and bloody. “We must stop these trolls! They’re taking our youngest and brightest from us,” said Mothers Against Trolling spokesperson Lindsey Siphers.
This tragic death comes on the heels of a spat of teenage suicides related to bullying, and many commenters have likened Giovanna Plowman to Amanda Todd. “She’s just so brave,” said one fan, “for standing up to those bullies like this. God bless Giovanna.”
AUSTIN, TEXAS — This afternoon federal agents killed Alex Jones and 52 Genesis Communications Network associates, each with two gunshot wounds to the back of the head. The Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms, now investigating the incident, describes these wounds as “self-inflicted.” Before the standoff reached its bloody conclusion, White House Press Secretary Jay Carney clarified at the daily briefing that Mr. Jones faced charges of pedophilia, illicit gun alteration and roughly two decades of back income taxes. Photographers captured ATF agents placing the bodies of the 52 employees into plastic coffins. The compound collapsed in place after suffering damage from armored Caterpillar bulldozers specially deployed by the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms.
Thursday morning undercover Waco Child Protective Service agents showed up at the door of the GCN compound and asked to speak to Mr. Jones. They presented themselves as wandering members of the milita movement, sympathetic following what Mr. Jones had termed his “explosive” appearance on “Piers Morgan Tonight.” When surrogates showed Mr. Jones to the door, they presented him with a Remington 870 shotgun. CPS asked if Mr. Jones could help them shorten the barrel below 22 inches. Mr. Jones, standing in his doorway, they say, happily agreed, took the American-made 12-gauge shotgun into a back lot and shortened it. When child protective services asked to take Mr. Jones’s children, the radio host disclosed that he was a sovereign citizen tax protester, having avoided the income tax due to its “unconstitutionality” since 1913.
Mr. Jones was 38 and is survived by millions of followers, having hosted the 10th most popular radio show in the United States. Mr. Jones was most famous for his December 31, 1999 broadcast, during which he was the only media source to break a taboo on reporting on the Russian missile attack that occurred that evening. During Y2K numerous power plants imploded due to computer error, and the North American Aerospace Defense Command failed to intercept Russian missiles, which killed millions of Americans in secret.
The radio host attracted international attention, including from the British royal family, after having made statements referring to his owning more than 50 “guns” and those “firearms” having increased in value two, three or four times. “It was at that point,” said FBI consultant Kenneth Lanning, previously responsible for helping cover up the Boystown fiasco with Larry King, “that we felt comfortable assuming that firearms referred to child spouses, and so we moved in.”
Friday morning ATF bulldozers, shipped to Houston 12 years ago from the West Bank, made their way slowly toward the South Wall of the Genesis Communications Network Compound. Upon mowing down solar panels and finally the outer wall of the compound, the six bulldozers reached a sudden halt. Their path, said one of the drivers, was impeded by cache of bullion six feet high just inside the inner wall. Representatives of the Dallas FBI Bureau, speaking by phone, said they feared the worst. “We were worried that the Prison Planet crew might be able to hold out for years on end.” Regardless, soon after having breached the flaming outer wall, the building collapsed.
A defector from the followers, whom Mr. Jones refers to as “listeners,” former Infowars.com contributor Mark Dice, informed authorities that GCN’s contract with eFoodsDirect would mean that freedom-loving audiovisual technicians and website contributors might be able to hold out for up to seven decades.
Citing the deaths of 20 children in Newtown, Connecticut last month, Bilderberg President and ATF chief David Rockefeller said, “We’ve had such terrible loss of life, maybe the smartest thing to do is pull it. And they made that decision to pull and then we watched the building collapse.”
At a Friday morning press conference in Washington, FBI Director David Mueller described subsequent events. He said Israeli Armored D9s, “teddy bears,” caused the walls of the compound to collapse. Mr. Mueller said, “Once the ‘doobis’ breached the outer wall, the mosquito-netting-like structure of the compound was compromised, causing the building to collapse, first starting with the penthouse, and then the children’s bedrooms.” Producer Aaron Dykes escaped, but his son, whom authorities believe to actually be Mr. Jones’s, was found in the remains of the compound.
As bulldozers approached initially, federal marshals demanded that Mr. Jones exit the building. After he did so, he ignored their calls that he continue walking toward waiting SUVs, instead re-entering his doorway. Returning from the doorway, facing away from authorities, he brandished what appeared to them be an M-16, but what was actually a Bushmaster he purchased at Wamart in early December. Officials say it was then, walking backwards, that Waco sheriff’s deputies opened fire. All of their bullets missed, but Mr. Jones, deputies said in sworn statements, placed the Bushmaster to the back of his head and pulled the trigger twice.
The fire spread faster due to hundreds of kilograms of uncured cannabis, which Mr. Jones’ one surviving child claimed no one was imbibing as a psychoactive but rather that Mr. Jones was encouraging his children to eat raw for anti-carcinogenic properties.
Get used to the Teenage Female Bullying-Suicide Heroes
NEW YORK — Fifteen-year-old Amanda-Todd-Wannabe Felicia Garcia jumped in front of a train after vicious bullying, following her appearance in a football team gangbang video passed around her high school. The male members of the gangbang were greeted with high fives and mute admiration from school teachers who saw the video. Over 200 of Garcia’s classmates were present at the suicide.
Knowing, from the example of Amanda Todd, that her death would lead to unlimited posthumous social acceptance in the face of bottomless rejection by the repressive sex-negative culture of America, Garcia threw herself into the train with cold confidence, by all accounts.
“Just before she fell, she said, ‘Finally, it’s here,’” said Brager. “It was the most horrible thing I’ve ever seen.”
This is yet more undeniable proof that a firm clampdown on freedom of speech should take place immediately. Young girls are going to start dropping off like lemmings because of this totally brand-new phenomenon of “slut-shaming” that never existed before Anonymous comments on the Internet. The oncoming string of teenage suicides has absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with the worship of Amanda Todd.
Remember them niggas tryna put me down at the Macy’s department store? Shit niggas think a nigga be smokin cuz a nigga be jokin bout sum rolexes, when some white ass rosy colored nigga from texas come pokin his fuckin nose in my breakfast of pills, zanies and bars, fuckin racists when they used to perplex us.
Damn. Niggas wanna stick me for my paper. Damn. Niggas wanna stick me for my paper.
When I used to buy drugs from the Kroger, used to buy drugs from the happy white gentlemen and their videogames, and their blacklights and bong hits of weed with some name like white widow and kush, good god, those weren’t the days. Smoking pot in a driveway, in a car, in the dark, hotboxing to Notorious, Bone Thugz, drinking a high life, living like a low life, dreaming about the day one might finally start, as it came to an end.
I approached an apartment complex on the outskirts of Richmond, by the Sheetz, where a gang of thugs waited to sell myself and my black friends an ounce or two of weed. “The white boy can’t come in,” a gold plated mouth said to my friends as we entered the room, where guns were displayed on a table. The air reeked of medical-smelling opium. I was grateful for that. Peace, I thought.
Waiting in the car, I never could have imagined someone had made his nest in the backseat as I was being thrown out of a drug den. I never felt the tiny itch of his razor blade as it traced my throat, while an unseen hand rifled instinctively through my pockets.
Live Forever In Peace As We Perish
The “Technorati,” an extreme AnarchoSocialist element of the Illuminati far above Anonymous in terms of skill and secrecy, quieted Doc Watson away to a CyberGrave and publicly announced his “Death” on Tuesday. CyberGraves are the biggest new craze among secretive elites like the Bilderbergers and Illuminati. By recording only a few hours of brain activity with incredibly sensitive equipment, sensitive down to the cell, a CyberGrave could potentially lead to a state of virtual immortality for even this very generation
! The secretive nature of this technology is of course kept under the tightest of tight wraps, tied down, and used by only the super elite. The first celebrity to ever be given a CyberGrave was Tupac, and current hologram technologies allow him to make appearances in public saying entirely new things which are genuinely taken from his real, preserved consciousness. Engineers for Tupac reported Anonymously that rendering Tupac’s appearance at Coachella this year took ten whole years.
“This is probably the New World Order, folks. I’ve finally figured it all out. The reason why the Denver Airport is geared out to gas an entire continent in a single act of monumental unscalable terror and genocide is because all the fucking Elites from Bilderburg to Doc Watson have all had themselves digitized and they’re just waiting until they have their own digital fucking Minecraft world supercomputer to retreat into after this one is FUCKING DESTROYED. This is how they will achieve MAXIMUM POWER OVER ALL. Well, I’d rather be a damned victim of the biggest genocide in the history of the entire damned planet than a sucker living inside a world of computer glitches where some heroic myth generated by a computerized hack will repeat recursively ad nauseum.” ~ Alex Jones Infowars.com
FACT #1: Right now the “NSA” is building the world’s biggest supercomputer storage database near Area 51 which will be so fucking big it can contain the entire internet 10,000 times and that’s before they upgrade it. Plus, it’s heavily defended by armed guards at all time. Anonymous Insiders says the secret location is codenamed EDEN
FACT #2: Why bother with the material world if you can retreat into an endless realm where you are now actually “God?” If you had this power, would you ever tell anyone about it? NO!
Fact #3: This makes more sense than lizards because David Icke just thinks Jews are nonhuman.
We killed him
Are you actually googling this right now? I mean seriously, every single fucking time some celebrity dies there’s a surge of you crazy fucking conspiracy theorists trying to fit the event into your “absurd” world view. Well, you know what? You were fucking right to think the Illuminati killed Adam Yauch because we’re killing EVERY celebrity off slowly. Yes, we control every fucking thing you see on television and the Internet as well.
If you want to know what the Illuminati is up to, hell, come to the Internet Chronicle. We’ll give you the straight dope, right from the highest levels. Bookmark this page now if you want to know who’s gonna die next. Will it be Rachel Ray? Or will it be George Clooney? Hey, we’re all going to die some day. That is, of course, unless we all pray to Inglip and cross over to PostHumanity. That’s right, the first “real” PostHuman is actually Tupac. We copied his consciousness into a secret computer system back in the early 90’s and you saw him take the stage at Coachella. This ain’t no joke. No sir.
Oh, we’re in control of the Google now. Anything we want to say will bubble right to the top because we know how to “pull the strings” at the very highest levels of their organization. We ARE the very highest levels of their organization. See, people like you, investigating us at the Illuminati, we’re on to you. We don’t give a fuck anymore and the Internet Chronicle is just here to rub it in your face. We own your world. Get used to it.
Fans mourn the loss of Trout.
WASHINGTON – Monday, “Kilgoar” Trout, founder of the beloved Internet Chronicle, died from a simultaneous drug overdose and car wreck while on his way to a “business meeting.” Police forensics experts seemed befuddled reporting, “We’ve never had a case of death by the combination of overdose and car accident, but this is what appears to have happened.” Trout was not driving the vehicle at the time of the wreck, but the driver, who escaped unscathed, was tested by police at the scene and was reportedly extremely drunk. Obsessive teary-eyed fanboy Geo Hotz said, “This is just like Princess Diana. We will have no justice.”
Long-time friend of Trout, Niall Coffey, said, “Kilgoar fell prey to his own lavish lifestyle and instantaneous Internet success. We knew it was bad when he did a cameo on EpicMealTime, but we didn’t know it was this bad. He will be deeply missed.” Critics of The Internet Chronicle say the site descended from a darkly funny and intelligent source for satire into an endless stream of transparent death hoaxes, which were nonetheless highly successful in bringing in massive streams of advertising revenue.
Known for obsessively attacking the hacktivist collective Anonymous, perhaps Trout’s most famous and controversial work was the Anti-Leader’s Handbook, a longwinded 8,000-word self-centered exegesis full of red-faced rants and recycled postmodern tropes on the paradoxical nature of Anarchist Collectives and archetypal anti-heroes. It also featured the now-famous “Stratfor hack is not Anonymous” hoax, which rightly accused Sabu of working with the FBI months before the public became aware. The self-styled “King of Trolls,” Trout viciously taunted every sect of humanity in the name of non-violence and tolerance.
The Internet Chronicle’s remaining assets have been transferred to Tyler Bass, who plans to sell the business to News Corporation for 11.2 million USD. Mr. Trout’s personal fortune, upwards of $5.6 billion, has been set aside to buy laptops for children in the third world. These laptops come with an operating system designed personally by Trout to block all viral content and only show information produced or curated by verified experts.
This is a surreal study of temporal space. The houses are rendered on a winter night, their windows glowing with a warm light while smoke billows from chimneys on snowy rooftops. Meanwhile, the outside world appears to be an evening in spring, as flowers bloom and the creek runs full. Also, people in this world are buried in their front yards.
Thomas Kinkade, famed “painter of light,” died on Friday under mysterious circumstances at the age of 54. Early reports from a police autopsy have told a bizarre story: Kinkade died from a polonium 210 poisoning, which is an extremely potent poison lethal in incredibly small doses.
Analysts suggest that only a very well-connected and powerful entity could possibly have access to such a rare poison, prompting a spat of wild speculation. This automatically narrows the field of suspects to governments and supergovernmental organizations such as the Illuminati. But why would the Illuminati have an interest in killing off Thomas Kinkade?
It’s a well-known fact that the vast majority of the Illuminati’s wealth is invested in timeless works of art, and a large proportion of their annual income is derived from copyright claims and the sale of art memorabilia such as posters. By providing such overly popular images, Kinkade actually undercut the Illuminati in the same way Michael Jackson did. Artistic success is a zero-sum game and the Illuminati is always undercut by emerging popular artists.
Janis Joplin, Jimi Hendrix, Kurt Kobain, Jim Morrison, and Amy Winehouse all died at the age of 27, but Kinkade’s age of death was exactly twice that at 54. Why does the Illuminati work only in intervals of 27? Expert numerologist Angstrom H. Troubadour explained the numeric aspect of this ritual is very important to the Illuminati, and said, “Artistic cleansing is especially significant to their theories about advancing society towards their mystical anti-Christian agenda.”
Selena Gomez was pronounced dead at the scene of a fatal alcohol-related accident.
Los Angeles – Fans mourn the loss of Disney star Selena Gomez, who was pronounced dead in a fatal car crash Friday. According to police on the scene, alcohol is believed to have been a factor in the accident.
Gomez had to be cut loose from the wreckage of her late model Ford Escape Hybrid, which was tangled between a guardrail and telephone pole off Santa Monica Boulevard, authorities said.
“When I see this happening to kids,” explained LAPD’s Deputy Foster, holding back tears, “I wrench up inside. This is a tragedy. They weren’t even old enough to drink or have sex with me.”
Attorneys confirmed profits from Gomez’s new clothing line, “Dream Out Loud by Selena Gomez,” are contractually obligated to absorb into Disney, which has outraged family members seeking comfort from the corporation which capitalized so heavily upon Gomez’s image, at the cost of her life.
The teen starlet, who just recorded a song with heartthrob Justin Bieber, was not alone in the accident. Two others died at the scene, however because they are not famous, and never will be, their names will not be printed here.
Uncomfirmed reports of two other individuals have surfaced amid reports Gomez was cheating on Bieber. Unnamed sources close to the couple indicated the two had “been having problems” but would not comment on the accident, or Gomez’s awesome underage drinking “problem.”