Frank Mason dead at 25

Desk of editor frank masonNew York City– It is our sad duty to inform you that longtime reporter and friend to chronicle.su, Frank Mason, has died.

Mason was alone in his apartment Monday when his heart stopped amid one episodic panic attack. Because of his work and general nature, Mason was prone to anxiety attacks as many as four times per week and in some instances, would not sleep for thirty six hours or more at a time.

According to paramedics who arrived at the scene, Mason told friends online that he’d been awake for over forty hours. His messages showed concern, said one EMT, for strange sensations in his chest that later turned out to be heart failure. Officials emphasized that if only Mason “had cared enough about his health,” a phone call might have saved his pointless, insignificant life.

Mason is survived by his dog, Shale, and roommates Mike Henderson and Lewis Manning. Who and where Mason’s family may be are yet to be determined, investigators said.

Writing and editing for the Chronicle, Mason was forced to live a series of compartmentalized secret lives, said fellow editor Dr. Kilgore Trout, who watched the man metamorphose from an eager cub reporter into a fractured shell of a man.

There was something in his voice – something in the way he said, ‘I’ll gut you like a deer carcass!’ that made me believe him.”

Kilgore Trout

“He would sometimes be really friendly online,” Trout said. “But other times, he was crass and difficult to get along with. He once threatened to kill me over an edit I made to one of his stories. And, you know, there was something in his voice – something in the way he said, ‘I’ll gut you like a deer carcass!’ that made me believe him. I changed his punctuation back to a semi-colon but later blocked his calls.”

Trout indicated Mason will be hard to replace, if not impossible, and said he planned to buy a larger room against his cabin in order to fit enough wild chimpanzees and typewriters to replicate the deceased writer’s eclectic personality.

“Probably just gonna stack them up over there,” Trout said, pointing in the direction of a pile of bloated garbage bags across which was slung a coarse red blanket, soiled and rotten. “They can lay on that while they type.”

Fans of Mason are as elusive as the writer himself. The online guestbook for Mason’s funeral was still untouched Monday evening, and is slated for deletion if it is not at least spammed between Monday and Wednesday morning, said a spokesman for St. Luther’s Funeral Services. Sources within the hacking collective Anonymous fear everything they touch and refuse to leave a digital fingerprint anywhere, even the guestbook of their unelected but rightful Messiah, Frank Mason, the infallible, unforgotten voice of chronicle.su.

See you in Hell, Frank.

-The Chronicle Staff

Lil Wayne dead at 29

Lil Wayne dead at 29

Lil Wayne, 29, died tragically at his Louisiana home on Wednesday, December 28.

New Orleans– Fans mourn the loss of Dwayne Michael Carter, Jr., the artist better known as ‘Lil Wayne,’ who died early Wednesday morning at his home in New Orleans.

Lil Wayne has died from fatal injuries caused to himself after a massive overdose of the popular rage drug PCP.

Lil Wayne was pronounced dead at 6:59 a.m. EST. Cause of death was listed as “fatal injuries caused to himself after a massive overdose of phencyclidine.” Sources close to the musician suggested Lil Wayne may have taken too much PCP, a popular party drug, and done severe damage to his face with his hands and sharp knives. He was 29.

Lil Wayne is survived by ex-wife Toya Carter and four children.

Lil Wayne’s charity, Change.org, suffered financial losses after rumors that Wayne borrowed money from the philanthropist organization without returning it, marring the charity group with exactly the negative image of black society from which volunteers work extensively to protect children.

Key assets of Lil Wayne’s estate are expected to be turned over to Change.org, an organization that helps prepare young black inner city youth for the trials of tomorrow.

In his lifetime, numerous lawsuits were filed against Lil Wayne. While these were mostly for copyright infringements and intellectual property theft, he also owed millions of dollars in royalties to scores of people, many of whom were never repaid.

Kim Jong-il dead at 69

Kim Jong-il fuckin' pimp

Kim Jong-il died heroically at 69.

Pyongyang–The most powerful person on Earth, the Dear Leader Kim Jong-il has entered the next phase of consciousness Monday, where he rules the heavens with unforgiving, merciless love. The North Korean leader died of a heart attack.

Kim Jong-il, who recently guest starred in a reality TV show wherein participants traded places with their higher-ups, died of a heart attack during his morning transit to the dogmeat factory. While forced to ride on a train without breakfast to his seventh twelve hour shift of the week, the Dear Leader’s heart stopped before reaching his destination.

Jong-il’s death went unnoticed for at least forty five minutes until totalitarian overlords sent out a search party and bloodhounds to retrieve him for work duty. The dogs reportedly tore his carcasses to pieces and ate most of the remains.

Details are, as yet, unconfirmed because international calls are still forbidden, punishable by death, and must remain within the boundaries of Stalin’s last playground – North Korea, where all people are all the same in the eyes of the Great Successor and peacefully suffer never-ending hell marches in perfect equality.

“Unlike our enemy neighbors,” said state spokesperson Min Il-Suk, “North Korea enjoys a prosperous human cloning program. Which is why we are pleased to announce Kim Jong-un! HAIL THE GLORIOUS NEW LEADER!

After the collapse of the Soviet Union, North Korea suffered heavily until Kim Jong-il bravely horded all the money in the country and used it to suppress both hunger and uprisings.

Ingrates

We straight brah. Enjoy your banquet, Dear Leader.

The United States has nearly 30,000 troops in South Korea, ready to raid the North, where it is feared Kim Jong-un could likely empty the nation’s coffers into its people, wasting valuable war funds on food or medical supplies for the unseen poor dying in gutters and alleys.

Analysts monitor the situation closely to be sure North Korea doesn’t “try any shit.” There is little to no mention in the weak-hearted mainstream American media of Monday’s short range missile test, whose effects could soon be felt.

Michael Jackson lives on, struggling against the Illuminati

“When the news said Michael died I instantly wanted to figure out what happened, because instinctively I thought of the Illuminati first.”

Strong evidence unearthed by death hoax investigators at Michael Jackson Hoax Forum suggests that Michael Jackson is actually alive, using his faked death as a way to continue his struggle against the Illuminati. Some skeptics have suggested that Jackson is actually dead at the hands of his worst enemies. “Michael Jackson really pissed of the Illuminati so they killed him… and are now creating all these fake clues so that Michael Jackson fans believe he is alive and hence do not seek justice for him being murdered.”

Michael Jackson has possibly been dropping clues to his fans on the official Michael Jackson Community Forum Web Site under the username ‘back since 2005. Some skeptics have argued that ‘back’ is actually not Michael Jackson himself, but possibly someone who is “in the know.” However, Jackson definitely appeared on Larry King Live, shortly after his death, disguised as burn victim Dave Dave.

“Hoaxers,” as believers of the Michael Jackson death hoax like to be called,  are often threatened and misled by a shadowy force that is most likely the Illuminati. There is wide consensus that Jackson has extensively used at least three body doubles in order to throw off the New World Order.

What Hoaxers need to come to grips with is that the Illuminati has the means, motives, and methods available to completely control Michael Jackson. 2012 is sure to be a remarkable year, and some Hoaxers believe that Jackson will return as a messianic figurehead for the Illuminati’s new religion, setting the stage for the New World Order.

All these subtle clues and hints from the Illuminati are all a part of a cruel jest. “The Illuminati like playing games – remember that – that is why the illuminati symbolism appears in every mainstream music video.”

 

Akon Dead at 38

Akon, 38, died in his Atlanta home November 20, 2011.

Akon, 38, died in his Atlanta home November 20, 2011.

Atlanta– Fans mourn the loss of Aliaune Damala Badara Thiam, the artist better known by the name ‘Akon,’ who died early Sunday morning at his home in Atlanta.

Akon was pronounced dead at 3:48 a.m. EST. Cause of death was listed as “Complications associated with acquired immunodeficiency syndrome,” or AIDS. He was 38.

Akon is survived by three ex-wives and six children.

Because no will was entered into the public record, Akon’s charity for underprivileged children in Africa, the Konfidence Foundation, will dissolve.

Remaining assets are to be turned over to DR (Congo) for future disbursement to nobody in particular.

Akon suffered in the wake of an incident at a 2007 concert in Trinidad and Tobago during which he simulated a sexual act onstage with a 15-year-old girl. When Akon realized what was happening, he instinctively “finished,” and left the girl onstage to deal with their imaginary pregnancy alone, in a puddle of shame and booming bass rhythms.

Totallyfalse.info Leader “Done In”

totallyfalse.infoLadies and Gentlemen, it has come to my attention that our dear compatriot Nick Maccombs of the totallyfalse.info has abandoned helm of the fine publication totallyfalse.info.

It is my regret to inform you all Maccombs suffers from Parkinson’s disease, which is no laughing matter. Additionally, he has finally succumbed to a long battle with Alzheimer’s. Nurses close to the editor said he’s “all fucked up” and “pretty much done in.” Nick has forgotten his passwords to everything, and is no longer capable of going online.

It is with great pleasure I announce chronicle.su hereby reserves the right to the Maccombs estate, including the domain totallyfalse.info, as relinquished upon apprenticeship to Lebal Drocer, Inc. and her subsidiaries – [outlined in the Legal section of this site.] This includes all intellectual property rights and access to personal finances.

Let us pray:

Dear Lord, we ask that you protect Maccombs on his holy quest. We ask that you make all the dinosaur bones go away, so that people will stop pointing to Nick as proof of your nonexistence, Dear Lord.

As I walk through /b/ in the shadow of death, I need do no evil, for you are with me; thy rod and thy staff, they comfort and pleasure me.

Amen.

Amen.

All rise.

Except you, Nick.

Rest in Peace.

This message brought to you infinitely by Lebal Drocer, Inc.

I’m crying because of 9/11 and I tweeted this picture to prove it.

See? I'm really crying. I took this photo to prove it. I even took down my Guy Fawkes mask to show you how grief stricken I am. Never Forget.

9/11 demons herald Muslim invasion

Welcome to Ground Zero, the sanctuary of holy American blood

Corrupt politicians are planning 9/11 memorial services without Clergy present. This is yet another sad consequence of the pervasive Marxism of the left. We can all either thank Obama for ruining the tenth anniversary of 9/11, or we, the Tea Party, must take it back.

Lucifer’s servants in the Middle East celebrated in the streets while the Christian world mourned. The demons which escaped were a sign from God that the end-times are near, and Obama is the half Muslim Antichrist.

Osama Bin Laden's face is clearly seen here.

Do you know what kind of life a Christian has in Muslim countries? Christians are persecuted by Muslims every day. Yet we allow Muslims to walk around as if they own this country because of bleeding-heart Liberals. Have we forgotten 9/11?

On that fateful day, I remember seeing debris fall from the buildings, and I did not realize at first that these were actually people choosing to jump to their deaths. They were tempted by Satan with suicide, easy death, and when their bodies hit the ground, their souls continued falling and went straight to hell.

Pure evil was unleashed from the vaporization of Muslim terrorists and expelled in the form of a hateful, sneering smoke face.

The events of 9/11 rocked me to my core. Everything changed. I knew America was under attack and the terrorists must pay. Somebody had to be brought to justice and I did not like the way Muslims were celebrating this horrible disaster. These pictures of demons are simple proof that Muslims are in fact servants of the devil, deserving of the divine justice America has served.

This is why we need prayer at all 9/11 memorial services. Demons have not left Ground Zero, they have only set up shop. The Ground Zero mosque is for some reason allowed where where no Christian prayer may be read. We must take back Ground Zero from the demons and sanctify it once more with the prayers of a Christian Nation.

The Ghost of the World Trade center still carries on, despite the presence of demons.

Amen.

 

Fred Phelps murdered by Michele Bachmann

For Michele Bachmann, it was kill or be killed.

Late Thursday, Fred Phelps of the Westboro Baptist Church had his eyes clawed out by Michele Bachmann. Plans for his funeral have been made, but talk of protests are already spreading. As the man who pioneered funeral protest as a form of free speech, much celebration is expected. Veteran’s advocacy groups have already begun organizing a demonstration for Fred Phelps’ funeral.

“I plan on grilling up some steaks, drinking a few beers, waving some hateful signs, and just generally having a good time at this funeral,” commented one veteran, as he waved his bus ticket at our reporters. “I’ve been ready for this shit for years!”

Bachmann’s lawyers have stated the deadly conflict started as a simple biblical dispute. Phelps believed that God hates all fags unconditionally, whereas Bachmann pushed the idea that God only despised fags who haven’t sought forgiveness for their faggotry. What seemed to onlookers as a bitter sexual assault from Bachmann quickly turned deadly for Phelps.

Fred Phelps’ daughter, Shirley Phelps-Roper, has moved forward plans to protest the protest of her father’s funeral, stating “I should have seen this faggotry coming. Typical faggot move. By the way, Anonymous is a bunch of faggots.” Anonymous was reached, and not a single fuck was given.

Our prophets have reached God Almighty, on high, as he watches these events from outside of time and space. Although his grace is impossible to translate into our infinitely inexpressive language, our prophets have made their best attempt.

“I’m glad Bachmann tore that old man’s eyes out, but he was right about one thing. I hate faggotry. Bachmann and Phelps are both faggots. America’s forgotten what I did to Sodom and Gomorrah. The bible was mostly made up by a bunch of faggots who I hate, and if it’s interpreted as anything but a hateful document, it leads to this kind of bullshit. I am God and I hate faggots like Fred Phelps.”

A Grad Student Who Knew Too Much

Berkey, at the start of our daylong interview.

On a brisk October morning in Brookline, a graduate student announced that he was an expert at something, to the total  indifference of his friends, peers and vague associates.

The student was reported to Chronicle.SU by a local informant and subsequently identified by spiteful classmates as first year Benjamin Berkey. Berkey, an enthusiast of the dark witch house music scene, tacitly agreed to make a phone statement to me by making dozens of unsolicited calls to the office of The Soviet Chronicle.

“I’ve read many thick tomes so, like Prodicus, I’ve become adept at choosing words. Often I finish sentences for other people in more exact ways than they ever could have expressed themselves. So, I’ve decided to go on a mission for total exactitude in language. Any time anyone strays from the Oxford Dictionary definition of a word, I will correct them in public in an elitist fashion. This will have innumerable social benefits.”

Berkey then invited me to watch him do his work across town to his sparsely furnished Allston apartment. I spent the next eight hours watching him gruel over a footnote, intermittently taking breaks to masturbate and troll the Internet with obscure semantic and grammatical criticisms.

“Work is hard, but I spend every second of every day knowing that I’m making a difference and growing intellectually. I’ve got a bright future and will surely finish my program with a good job. Not many people can say that these days.”

He then agreed to show me his favorite local coffee shop, where he ordered us espressos only to reject them several times due to “the quality of the crema.”

The barista eventually gave up and told us to fuck ourselves. We took a seat in the back of the checker-floored bar, next to a group of bicycle messengers playing bones.

One of the messengers from the group next to us.

As we sat down, one of the dudes among them, a pierced courier wearing a Brooklyn cycling cap, put the finishing touches on a lengthy monologue.

“…and that just begs the question, ‘Is McInnes libertard or not?'”

“Excuse me, sir,” interjected Berkey, “but I believe that you’ve made a mistake. The expression ‘begs the question’ does not in fact designate something that raises questions, but instead refers to an instance of circular reasoning. Be warned.”

The messenger looked over at him and his septum piercing flicked a little spark of a glint in the light. A pug-faced drunken crusty messenger appeared from among the group.

“Why you gotta be a bitch, man? Nobody asked you, faggot. Nobody spoke to you.”

The altercation deeply shocked Berkey, who became horribly insulted. He began to shake and then suddenly walked out of the coffee bar and refused to answer subsequent calls to his cellphone.

I never heard from him again.

RIP, Benjamin Berkey

Update: Several weeks after our encounter, The Boston Globe reported that Berkey had disappeared without a trace. Even more strangely, authorities declined to open an investigation into his disappearance. His family’s attempts to sue the Boston Police Department were bizarrely dismissed in a similar fashion. And in a final twist, my dumbfounded reading of the report to The Chronicle office occasioned a smile in our editor, Kilgore Trout.

“Yeah, the sergeant at Boston PD actually clued me in weeks ago. Benjamin Berkey was administratively arrested as part of a law enforcement operation targeting known gang members and associates.”