DALLAS – Fans mourn the loss of Barrett Cockram Brown, who was found murdered in his modest home Sunday morning.
Police stated Brown died slowly from a controlled blood loss which took “at the very least,” several hours.
Coroners report Brown died at 3:32 AM CST on Sunday. Not all of Brown’s remains were recovered, and investigators suggested Brown’s testicles had been kept as a small trophy by a group of high-ranking members of the Zetas, a drug cartel Brown repeatedly threatened on YouTube.
Brown’s prolific writing career was sullied by his repeated attempts to act as a spokesperson for Anonymous, the hacktivist collective which largely treats Brown as a total pariah.
Brown’s recent book deal with Amazon, known enemy of Anonymous, created intense controversy because of Brown’s hunger for dirty corporate money to support his drug habits.
Brown is survived by a few junkie friends who have dedicated their latest binge to his memory.
Our close friends within Anonymous infiltrated the e-mail accounts of Illuminati agents several months ago, waiting for the kind of scoop we got this morning. The following is an uncensored excerpt from an Illuminati e-mail which has not been fully disclosed to the public because of its sensitive nature and the extreme discretion Anonymous uses when dealing with Illuminati material.
“The target was intercepted at Tru Hollywood and the poison was administered with very little altercation. The agent was disposed of using the established Jack Ruby method.”
Anonymous generally keeps Illuminati related hacks close to their belt, but found it outrageous that their beloved Whitney Houston – with similar eyebrows to the iconic Guy Fawkes masks – was murdered just for the purpose of distracting people from the massacres the Illuminati are currently directing in Syria.
Our analysts suggest that this is the final straw for the Illuminati. Anonymous will soon be swept away with a single campaign of false flag murders from the Illuminati, posing as angry j35t3r fans and Zetas.
Los Angeles– Fans mourn the loss of Whitney Elizabeth Houston, who died Friday evening in her room at the Beverly Hilton.
Whitney Houston died from fatal injuries sustained after an apparent violent encounter in her hotel room, say police.
Whitney Houston was pronounced dead at 6:55 p.m. EST. Cause of death has not been determined by police. Sources close to the musician suggested Whitney Houston may have dressed like she was “asking for it.” She was 48.
Whitney Houston is survived by her mother Cessa Houston, who has so far refused to speak to media about the circumstances surrounding her daughter’s death.
Whitney Houston’s charity, The Whitney Houston Foundation For Children, suffered financial losses after rumors of Whitney Houston’s crack abuse caused major donors to withdraw pledged funds.
Houston’s tumultuous relationship with Bobby Brown was marked by rumors of physical and sexual abuse which has raised several questions about the nature of Houston’s death. UPDATE: TMZ is reporting investigators have interviewed Bobby Brown in relation to the murder of Whitney Houston. UPDATE: Click this link to find the truth behind Bobby Brown’s involvement!
New York City– It is our sad duty to inform you that longtime reporter and friend to chronicle.su, Frank Mason, has died.
Mason was alone in his apartment Monday when his heart stopped amid one episodic panic attack. Because of his work and general nature, Mason was prone to anxiety attacks as many as four times per week and in some instances, would not sleep for thirty six hours or more at a time.
According to paramedics who arrived at the scene, Mason told friends online that he’d been awake for over forty hours. His messages showed concern, said one EMT, for strange sensations in his chest that later turned out to be heart failure. Officials emphasized that if only Mason “had cared enough about his health,” a phone call might have saved his pointless, insignificant life.
Mason is survived by his dog, Shale, and roommates Mike Henderson and Lewis Manning. Who and where Mason’s family may be are yet to be determined, investigators said.
Writing and editing for the Chronicle, Mason was forced to live a series of compartmentalized secret lives, said fellow editor Dr. Kilgore Trout, who watched the man metamorphose from an eager cub reporter into a fractured shell of a man.
“There was something in his voice – something in the way he said, ‘I’ll gut you like a deer carcass!’ that made me believe him.”
“He would sometimes be really friendly online,” Trout said. “But other times, he was crass and difficult to get along with. He once threatened to kill me over an edit I made to one of his stories. And, you know, there was something in his voice – something in the way he said, ‘I’ll gut you like a deer carcass!’ that made me believe him. I changed his punctuation back to a semi-colon but later blocked his calls.”
Trout indicated Mason will be hard to replace, if not impossible, and said he planned to buy a larger room against his cabin in order to fit enough wild chimpanzees and typewriters to replicate the deceased writer’s eclectic personality.
“Probably just gonna stack them up over there,” Trout said, pointing in the direction of a pile of bloated garbage bags across which was slung a coarse red blanket, soiled and rotten. “They can lay on that while they type.”
Fans of Mason are as elusive as the writer himself. The online guestbook for Mason’s funeral was still untouched Monday evening, and is slated for deletion if it is not at least spammed between Monday and Wednesday morning, said a spokesman for St. Luther’s Funeral Services. Sources within the hacking collective Anonymous fear everything they touch and refuse to leave a digital fingerprint anywhere, even the guestbook of their unelected but rightful Messiah, Frank Mason, the infallible, unforgotten voice of chronicle.su.
Lil Wayne, 29, died tragically at his Louisiana home on Wednesday, December 28.
New Orleans– Fans mourn the loss of Dwayne Michael Carter, Jr., the artist better known as ‘Lil Wayne,’ who died early Wednesday morning at his home in New Orleans.
Lil Wayne has died from fatal injuries caused to himself after a massive overdose of the popular rage drug PCP.
Lil Wayne was pronounced dead at 6:59 a.m. EST. Cause of death was listed as “fatal injuries caused to himself after a massive overdose of phencyclidine.” Sources close to the musician suggested Lil Wayne may have taken too much PCP, a popular party drug, and done severe damage to his face with his hands and sharp knives. He was 29.
Lil Wayne is survived by ex-wife Toya Carter and four children.
Lil Wayne’s charity, Change.org, suffered financial losses after rumors that Wayne borrowed money from the philanthropist organization without returning it, marring the charity group with exactly the negative image of black society from which volunteers work extensively to protect children.
Key assets of Lil Wayne’s estate are expected to be turned over to Change.org, an organization that helps prepare young black inner city youth for the trials of tomorrow.
In his lifetime, numerous lawsuits were filed against Lil Wayne. While these were mostly for copyright infringements and intellectual property theft, he also owed millions of dollars in royalties to scores of people, many of whom were never repaid.
Pyongyang–The most powerful person on Earth, the Dear Leader Kim Jong-il has entered the next phase of consciousness Monday, where he rules the heavens with unforgiving, merciless love. The North Korean leader died of a heart attack.
Kim Jong-il, who recently guest starred in a reality TV show wherein participants traded places with their higher-ups, died of a heart attack during his morning transit to the dogmeat factory. While forced to ride on a train without breakfast to his seventh twelve hour shift of the week, the Dear Leader’s heart stopped before reaching his destination.
Jong-il’s death went unnoticed for at least forty five minutes until totalitarian overlords sent out a search party and bloodhounds to retrieve him for work duty. The dogs reportedly tore his carcasses to pieces and ate most of the remains.
Details are, as yet, unconfirmed because international calls are still forbidden, punishable by death, and must remain within the boundaries of Stalin’s last playground – North Korea, where all people are all the same in the eyes of the Great Successor and peacefully suffer never-ending hell marches in perfect equality.
“Unlike our enemy neighbors,” said state spokesperson Min Il-Suk, “North Korea enjoys a prosperous human cloning program. Which is why we are pleased to announce Kim Jong-un! HAIL THE GLORIOUS NEW LEADER!“
After the collapse of the Soviet Union, North Korea suffered heavily until Kim Jong-il bravely horded all the money in the country and used it to suppress both hunger and uprisings.
We straight brah. Enjoy your banquet, Dear Leader.
The United States has nearly 30,000 troops in South Korea, ready to raid the North, where it is feared Kim Jong-un could likely empty the nation’s coffers into its people, wasting valuable war funds on food or medical supplies for the unseen poor dying in gutters and alleys.
Analysts monitor the situation closely to be sure North Korea doesn’t “try any shit.” There is little to no mention in the weak-hearted mainstream American media of Monday’s short range missile test, whose effects could soon be felt.
“When the news said Michael died I instantly wanted to figure out what happened, because instinctively I thought of the Illuminati first.”
Strong evidence unearthed by death hoax investigators at Michael Jackson Hoax Forum suggests that Michael Jackson is actually alive, using his faked death as a way to continue his struggle against the Illuminati. Some skeptics have suggested that Jackson is actually dead at the hands of his worst enemies. “Michael Jackson really pissed of the Illuminati so they killed him… and are now creating all these fake clues so that Michael Jackson fans believe he is alive and hence do not seek justice for him being murdered.”
Michael Jackson has possibly been dropping clues to his fans on the official Michael Jackson Community Forum Web Site under the username ‘back‘ since 2005. Some skeptics have argued that ‘back’ is actually not Michael Jackson himself, but possibly someone who is “in the know.” However, Jackson definitely appeared on Larry King Live, shortly after his death, disguised as burn victim Dave Dave.
“Hoaxers,” as believers of the Michael Jackson death hoax like to be called, are often threatened and misled by a shadowy force that is most likely the Illuminati. There is wide consensus that Jackson has extensively used at least three body doubles in order to throw off the New World Order.
All these subtle clues and hints from the Illuminati are all a part of a cruel jest. “The Illuminati like playing games – remember that – that is why the illuminati symbolism appears in every mainstream music video.”
Akon, 38, died in his Atlanta home November 20, 2011.
Atlanta– Fans mourn the loss of Aliaune Damala Badara Thiam, the artist better known by the name ‘Akon,’ who died early Sunday morning at his home in Atlanta.
Akon was pronounced dead at 3:48 a.m. EST. Cause of death was listed as “Complications associated with acquired immunodeficiency syndrome,” or AIDS. He was 38.
Akon is survived by three ex-wives and six children.
Because no will was entered into the public record, Akon’s charity for underprivileged children in Africa, the Konfidence Foundation, will dissolve.
Remaining assets are to be turned over to DR (Congo) for future disbursement to nobody in particular.
Akon suffered in the wake of an incident at a 2007 concert in Trinidad and Tobago during which he simulated a sexual act onstage with a 15-year-old girl. When Akon realized what was happening, he instinctively “finished,” and left the girl onstage to deal with their imaginary pregnancy alone, in a puddle of shame and booming bass rhythms.
Ladies and Gentlemen, it has come to my attention that our dear compatriot Nick Maccombs of the totallyfalse.info has abandoned helm of the fine publication totallyfalse.info.
It is my regret to inform you all Maccombs suffers from Parkinson’s disease, which is no laughing matter. Additionally, he has finally succumbed to a long battle with Alzheimer’s. Nurses close to the editor said he’s “all fucked up” and “pretty much done in.” Nick has forgotten his passwords to everything, and is no longer capable of going online.
It is with great pleasure I announce chronicle.su hereby reserves the right to the Maccombs estate, including the domain totallyfalse.info, as relinquished upon apprenticeship to Lebal Drocer, Inc. and her subsidiaries – [outlined in the Legal section of this site.] This includes all intellectual property rights and access to personal finances.
Let us pray:
Dear Lord, we ask that you protect Maccombs on his holy quest. We ask that you make all the dinosaur bones go away, so that people will stop pointing to Nick as proof of your nonexistence, Dear Lord.
As I walk through /b/ in the shadow of death, I need do no evil, for you are with me; thy rod and thy staff, they comfort and pleasure me.
Except you, Nick.
Rest in Peace.
This message brought to you infinitely by Lebal Drocer, Inc.