Not enough Tiger Blood?
HOLLYWOOD – Earlier this morning Ashton Kutcher stepped onto the set of Two and a Half Men and into the shoes of Charlie Sheen, only to collapse and die within an hour. Two and a Half Men is the greatest television program of all time.
Kutcher arrived to his first day on set drunk and accompanied by a cadre of male porn stars. Before shooting a single scene, he reportedly tried to “bang 7 gram rocks” in an attempt to live up to the bombastic performance of Sheen. Kutcher’s face was entirely melted before medics arrived. They were unable to revive him.
“You’d think it’d be a half-ass job for any experienced actor to play a smarmy, cock-sure bachelor in a bowling shirt on television. That’s not the case,” commented Sheen, “that pathetic little troll has no Tiger Blood! I told you nobody could handle a dose of Charlie Sheen!”
Meanwhile, Charlie Sheen’s disintegrating acting career has devolved to the lowest level: YouTube and Twitter. Sheen’s Twitter account, the fastest growing in the history of mankind, avoids all the self-destructive fun and serves only to promote his new “jeered-off-stage” comedy tour.
Hollywood elites have approved a new Blu-Ray version of Apocalypse Now: Special Edition, in which Martin Sheen’s face is modified with CGI to look like his son, Charlie, the greatest actor of all time. Charlie Sheen refused to accept any payment for this role except in the form of the purest Colombian Cocaine from his favorite artisan Cocainery.
Ashton Kutcher will not be missed.
For this awesome wordpress theme!
Atahualpa was strangled like a rock star in a strangling chair.
It's called a garrote
An expensive liability, Atahualpa was valuable to the web design community in his time, and by 1533 he had developed the very first fully customizable plug-n-play theme this side of the Mississippi, which during that time was the edge of the known universe.
After the reigning php coder’s execution by strangling, the Incan Empire collapsed and his php code was thought for almost five hundred centuries to be destroyed – until now.
Lebal Drocer, Incorporated recently purchased exclusive rights to the Atahualpa name brand technology and plan to release it on the public within a few short hours.
A Lebal Drocer defended Atahualpa’s five centuries of usefulness in a press conference Thursday. He said, “Remember how the Spanish used him to control the Incan Empire? Now Elf Wax uses him to control their CSS.”
And only a single tear was shed, when he was told he could no longer cross the border to Arizona.
Washington, DC – The 44th President of the United States of America died Sunday from complications related to the Swine Flu. Barack Hussein Obama was 48 years old.
Barack Obama is credited for giving $14 billion to NASA and drafting a health care bill that was never passed.
Obama reportedly contracted Swine Flu after close contact with government pigs in Washington.
Elf Wax Expert Political Analyst Langston T. Harness said, “More controversial than his grayish skin color – by the way, I spell gray with an ‘a’ ’cause that’s how we do it in America – was the favor shown to him by all world leaders, even Kim jong-Il, who invited Barack Obama’s step-brother, Bill Clinton, to North Korea for whiskey shots. Clinton reportedly left the country with two whores in tow.”
An invite-only memorial reception will be held at the Watergate Hotel, following a funeral in Kenya – where Obama was born.
Sources: FOX News
There is the extremely unlucky event whereupon the Earth may drop into a black hole and be wiped from existence in a blink of an eye. Perhaps the chances of drifting into the path of a singularity are small, but the possibility surely exists. Nothing in science says this can’t happen.
At some point the center of our galaxy will implode on itself, releasing a gamma ray burst that will irradiate and destroy all life on all stars in the Milky Way. It’s a sure thing that this will be the eventual death of all life in the galaxy. Allegedly, this isn’t supposed to happen for an extremely long time. What do those scientists know about collapsing super-massive black holes anyway? For all they know, it could take exactly 3 more stars and the center of our galaxy would overload and kill us with gamma radiation.
A huge meteor or comet could smash us all to bits. It will happen sometime, and maybe sometime really soon. It might happen right when you stop reading this sentence. It happened to the dinosaurs and it is bound to happen at some point simply because the probability exists.
An advanced alien race could have engineered our planet for themselves when their home planet dies. Finding us in our greed and war crazed state, they eliminate us summarily with Super AIDS. Aliens are far too advanced for any other primitive kind of weapon, including a nuclear bomb. To them, killing humanity would be no more than a quick game of Pandemic 2.
The Universe could be a simulation from a computer-like system in a more complicated universe. Some scientists and philosophers give this a moderate likelihood. If this is true, then within that likelihood exists the chance that the computer-like system could be destroyed, or our process ended. Some weird super being could just ctrl+alt+delete and everything that ever was would be data lost forever.
The chances against a nuclear holocaust are very slim. In fact, it rests completely upon the chances that humanity dies in one of the aforementioned disasters first. A nuclear weapon could feasibly detonate at any position on any part of the globe and at any point in time. Your house might be ground zero. In fact, you better hope your house is ground zero because in a nuclear apocalypse the dead are the only people who will not suffer. Of all these events, this is by far the most horrific and most likely.
With the combination of all the probabilities for different known cataclysms, the Earth is on its very last leg. Each day is one day closer, and one way or another, the day might come tomorrow.
All carbon based life is set to be destroyed within the next year. A new biological system has been designed by top scientists which is at least a million times more efficient than anything currently designed through natural selection. Some Scientists have dubbed this new line of evolution Life 2.0.
A new type of cell similar to bacteria will be the earliest ancestor of every life form on Earth, causing the final demise of all carbon based life. Within only a few thousand years the first bacterium will have already evolved into a set of organisms creating an ecosystem equally as diverse and thriving as today’s crippled ecosystem.
By integrating organic nano-computers into an all new digital silicon cell design, evolution for the new bacterium has already been mapped out carefully by top scientists at MIT. DNA and random copying of life has been holding progress back for billions of years, but it will for no longer. Scientists claim that human suffering will be limited, but skeptics exist within the project.
The worst case scenario, according to Professor Frank Shawlsberg is that “[The artificial bacterium] will seek out water and then invade our body and kill us in a matter of minutes. Our corpses may then possibly be animated in an attempt to find new hosts.” He also made it very clear that there would be no holding out from the zombies anywhere, and that the entire world must succumb at some point.
Of course, other scientists stress that this “possible zombie situation” would be the first step in our evolution towards the a utopia where humans are all three feet tall and have brains selected to be larger and larger as time goes on.
Conspiracy theorists have already decided that these heavily engineered brains may cause intense schizophrenia in over 90% of Life 2.0’s future population. This population, delusional and seeking sanity would create time-hopping saucers and figure out the wonders of our more functional natural design. Failing at this, they have apparently resorted to molestation of rednecks and possibly their livestock.
Peter Pan, the artist formerly known as Michael Jackson, died today from an accidental drug overdose. Notorious for molestation accusations and his love of painkillers, Pan has received unprecedented media attention. America’s poor Internet infrastructure was unable to keep up with demand for pictures, videos, and music of the acclaimed molester and Amazon has already sold out their entire supply of his albums. Cable television has been playing videos of his former life as a pop star non-stop frustrating the silent majority of non-fans.
Neverland is in turmoil today as the lost boys wonder who will spike their drinks with wine and hold their hands while they sleep. Given the immortality bestowed upon the inhabitants of Neverland, and the magic nature of Tinkerbell’s fairy dust, some are wondering how Peter Pan could have possibly died. “It’s beyond my ability to estimate how many painkillers Peter must have gobbled to have died like that, I mean, my crew can literally drink gallons of rum and hardly get a buzz, much less a liver disease. This Neverland place is great!” commented Captain Hook, notorious Somali Pirate turned failed child murderer.
In the past, Pan has had legal difficulties when he was unable to pay a $100,000 pharmacy bill after a two week binge on painkillers. Charges have not been filed, but his personal doctor is under investigation.
Some conspiracy theorists have noted that the CIA targeted Pan out with a electromagnetic death ray satellite. This has been corroborated by the defunct Soviet Union’s intelligence, and may explain how he was able to die in Neverland. We urge our readers to take this version of events very seriously and without a single grain of salt. Painkillers or pain rays, the true heart of this conspiracy remains completely unquestionable.
Our rival news source, What Does it Mean, reports that this outright assassination was a plot to silence Pan from announcing a major genocide in his upcoming tour of London. This genocide is a plot by the US government which intends to spread the swine flu in order to infect us with an even more deadly “vaccine.” The motive for our government to do such a thing still remains unclear, but Barack Obama is considered by most racists to be the likeliest candidate for Anti-Christ in the past year.
CAHULAWASSEE, GA — A local man was found fatally wounded today after an apparent bludgeoning. The victim, whose name remains unreleased until the notification of kin, was found dead and freshly buried in the ground, wrapped in a blue tarp. Not much is known of the victim at the time of press, however, sources close to the victim described him as “rude as Hell” and having habitually foul breath.
UPDATE: Authorities are believed to have the murder suspect in custody after a short search of the Cahulawassee River area. Alowishus Devadander Abercrombie, 31, is being held without bond in the Calhoun County jail on charges of aggrevated assault and murder.
A recent photo shows Abercrombie with the alleged murder weapon.
Abercrombie, according to court records, is a local blue-collar worker who also goes by the nickname, “Mud”, not to be confused with “Bill,” “Jack,” “Pete,” or “Dennis.” From interrogation, police have uncovered information leading them to believe that the suspect and victim were, in fact, friends who earlier had gotten into a heated dispute over Abercrombie’s patent shoes. At the time of arrest, police also found the alleged murder weapon, a Wal-Mart® brand aluminum baseball bat. Accordingly to Georgia state law, Abercrombie is presumed guilty until proven actually guilty. He is expected to be in Calhoun County court on April 20th, 1993.
Due to coming into close physical contact with government pigs in Washington, U.S. President Barack Hussein Obama has been diagnosed with the H1N1 virus, popularly known as swine flu, following a doctor visit Friday.
Noticeable symptoms include tiredness of the eyes, a glazed “thousand-yard-stare” and the onset of a delirium so intense that President Obama has accidentally given all the taxpayers’ money to AIG, which was consequently sent to Europe and China. The president has also begun weighing unseen, possibly imagined factors that incidentally, are found to have greater impact in the ongoing financial crisis than the broad lexicon of “facts” and trends made publicly available by the powers that be.
President Hussein, consulting Jihadists on foreign policy
“This newfound insight gained from the President’s crippling delusional attacks has opened a window through which the public can now see what really affects world politics,” Professor of Political Science at Berkeley, California and tweed jacket enthusiast, David Brunauer said earlier this morning.
“He keeps talking about this little smokey room that he’s forced into on a weekly basis and made to watch pro-Deion Sanders propaganda,” Brunauer intimated. And then panic flashed through his eyes, as he rhetorically asked, “Is that guy even relevant to football anymore?”
The room is allegedly decorated with Miley Cyrus and Hannah Montana flair so concentrated it can transform any man’s ordinary sexual conviction into raging pedophilia.
“Hanging from the ceilings are hooks, chains and leather straps,” Brunauer described. “I’d like to see this room,” he said skeptically, “And I’d sure like to experience it.”
Indeed, the journalism community is swarming with ant-like fervor around these new details, as signals of a New World Order are coming to light – small rooms where the world’s fate is decided by brainwashing techniques centered around a post-pubescent-but-not-quite-legal collage of Disney’s top-earning star. The president and forced sodomy. His relationship to Saddam Hussein Obama [deceased]. His recent affection for Hugh Laurie and his award-winning portrayal of the pseudo-doctor, Gregory House.
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton said of Obama, “He’s been holed up in the White House bedroom for close to two weeks now. I peeked in on him earlier today and he was sprawled out across the top comforter of the king-size presidential bed on his stomach, watching House on his laptop, complaining of Hulu.com’s interjecting advertisements, and kicking his legs around in the air behind him like he didn’t have a care in the world. Iran is building nukes, God damn it!” Clinton’s face then melted, revealing the menacing facade of a cinder-eyed cyborg, gnashing its silvery teeth for Elf Wax reporters. This is part of her regular self-destruct sequence, however, and aides reassured the press that it is no cause for alarm.
Hillary Clinton braces for meltdown
As swine flu rips through the White House, out of its bursting seams come the tides of change, but not the change Americans voted for back in November. Some analysts are saying swine flu is just what the country needed. Others warn of an impending apocalypse as the President’s mental breakdown points to a takeover by the Chinese Mafia. “A bloodless coup is pretty much impossible at this point,” warns chief military adviser Harry Branch, “as Russia and China have dedicated themselves to rebuilding their arsenals, akin to a modern-day Cold War arms race.”
President Obama reports that in the coming war, he will have the computer banks of his Central Command Center hooked up to Blizzard’s real-time strategy game Starcraft, so that he “may better command his forces in a way that he is most familiar with.”
Ridiculously, Obama believes the computer game will simulate the real-life forces and effects of the U.S. Army, in spite of the fact that neither Russia nor China will respond with “a predictable Zerg rush,” as his new, hallucinated cabinet has forecast.
The president says it will be a long, drawn out single-player campaign, during which nobody will have the opportunity to use his home computer for any purpose, even to briefly check their gmail accounts. Not even porn will be allowed, Obama said. He explained, “What is not widely known about Starcraft is that pressing alt+tab will minimize the game so that other programs may be used. That’s great, but when you bring Starcraft back to full screen, the colors are all messed up, requiring a restart, and that is a threat to the country I can not in good conscience permit.”
An SCV rush, or what Obama calls “The Peoples’ Revolt”
Due to multiplying health concerns, many Americans have come forward asking Obama to be the first black man to step down as president. “Sensing weakness in your pathetic hearts,” he replied, “I will not step down as president, but I will step up my game, and step on anybody who tries to get in my way, including you, your family, your lives and this country. But I will not walk on China, to whom I have just surrendered the last of our physical currency.” Obama then said, “Good game,” and went back into the oval office, where Maury could be overheard declaring someone to be the father of yet another unwanted child. The move was dubbed an ‘allied victory’ so Americans can still say they’ve “never lost a war.”
As of now, the country is in turmoil and things are just getting worse thanks to the critically-flawed strategies of the Obama administration. The Chinese drug lords have officially breached the ground floor of Elf Wax Times Western Hemisphere North American Headquarters, Cuthbert, Georgia, declaring martial law.
This just in: S.O.S. we are being held against our wills and are being told via translator that death camps await the Elf Wax staff for severe penalties against the Central Chinese government relating to a video released last month of actors pretending to be Chinese guardsmen protecting the values of China in Tibet. Several of us have been killed for attempted escape. The rest will follow. May God have mercy on our souls.