Categories
Obituaries

that topical material is so meaningless

but the world is both enormous and small, and other platitudes! What are your platitudinal coordinates, captain?

Can’t type that on an iPhone!@

Can’t type shit on an iphone.

Jeremy Scahill used Apple's Encryption for all his sensitive journalist work, so you know it's safe
Jeremy Scahill uses Apple’s Encryption for all his sensitive journalist work, so you know it’s safe

Moths are beating themselves mercilessly against the auto glass right now. It is like they have no control over it at all. One has landed on the glass inches away from the computer screen, and it’s just quivering. It is so close now. To the glowing.

And when you’re up against that old glowing, then what do you do?

[This is your captain phr34k1ng at 100 knots 10 yards above the ground. My platitudinal coordinates lie exactly at Life is about opportunities, and how you embrace those opportunities — and live every day like it’s your last. We is all already dead, but we’re just a walkin’ around, talkin’ about it.

now that’ s a good boy. go to sleep!

wait, steve yobs died?

Categories
Obituaries

Slavoj Zizek dead at 65

Slavoj Žižek showed signs of cocaine addiction for several years leading up to his death.
Slavoj Žižek showed signs of cocaine addiction for several years leading up to his death.

Ljubljana, Slovenia — Fans mourn the loss of 65-year-old Marxist commentator Slavoj Žižek, who lost his lifelong battle with cocaine addiction Monday.

Though he was not considered by intellectuals to be a “true” philosopher, which bothered him deeply, Žižek was regarded by his following as a forward thinker and a master in his field.

He gained notoriety as a Communist editorial writer during the liberalization of former Yugoslavia under Tito – where his drug habit began – and later played himself in screenplays “The Pervert’s Guide to Cinema” and “The Pervert’s Guide to Ideology.”

Žižek was found alone in his Ljubljana flat where he was confirmed dead. Paramedics on the scene told reporters he appeared to be coated in a fine dust, “presumably cocaine,” one witness said.

Sources close to Žižek who asked that their names be withheld said he had grown cold and distant.

Slavoj Žižek exhibited many telltale signs of cocaine abuse, including "coke nose."
Slavoj Žižek exhibited many telltale signs of cocaine abuse, including “coke nose.”

The source said Žižek exhibited many telltale signs of drug abuse during public appearances at universities and forums. Eccentric mannerisms – his wild, swinging hands, half-hour tangents and long, unending chains of run-on clauses – are just a few examples, while publicists and MCs blamed his constantly running nose on “allergies” to spare him any indignity.

“Talking to Slavoj was like talking to someone through six inches of bulletproof glass,” the source told chronicle.su. “He said he understood our concerns, but his lost, vacant eyes told another story.”

Žižek’s editors complained his writing had become scattered and disjointed. McGraw-Hill told the Internet Chronicle that Žižek often repeated himself throughout his copy, and that editors sometimes used the Microsoft Windows command ‘ctrl+f’ to highlight and revise countless instances of repetition. In a single draft, Žižek was rumored to have used the word “Hegelian” more than 2,000 times.

Royalties from Žižek’s various works are expected to go to Jela Krečič, his wife. The family has asked the media to respect their privacy in this difficult and uncertain time.

Categories
Obituaries

Internet “gets real” after murder goes viral

The Internet kills thousands of people each year, including CHILDREN.
The Internet kills thousands of people each year, including CHILDREN.

The Internet was responsible for an estimated 2,460 deaths in 2014: an alarming trend as the number of Internet-related murders triples, doubles, double-triple-double-double-triple-checks each year.

26-year-old Maria Constanelli, who died on New Year’s Eve when a craigslist response went dangerously wrong – so I was wondering how late you’re open to – fell victim to her Facebook stalker during a routine w4m no-strings-attached meetup.

Theresa, her mother, said Maria – who did not want her mother to worry – always told her where she was going to be prior to meeting strange men on the Internet. This time was no different.

“I thought Dugan Nash sounded like a nice boy,” Theresa said. “When she said she was meeting one of them Nash boys, I thought to myself, ‘He sounds right proper.'”

Theresa said Nash, the man Maria was alleged to meet, was known for his R&B single that goes like: Flip. Double flip. Double-triple-flip.

“They do that one song, that’s like, uh, double-flip, double-triple-flip-flip. Triple check. Double flip, triple-triple,” Theresa said. “They do that one song that’s like, uh, triple-double-triple-triple-check.”

While Maria’s whereabouts are still unknown, countless others continue to suffer by the invisible hand of the Internet. Won’t you do something today?