ROANOKE, Va. — Trump aides confirmed Humanity Party leader Chris Nemelka, a neoconservative religious cult leader who plies his congregation with opioids, is scheduled to introduce the 2016 Republican presidential nominee at a rally in the quiet mountain village of Roanoke, Virginia.
Humanity Party leader Chris Nemelka, seen here comparing himself to Jesus, has thrown his full support behind Donald Trump and the Republican Party.
Nemelke said in a podcast he supports Trump specifically because Trump stands for a stronger, militarized Israel.
Nemelke, who compares military funding to a hit of heroin – the best thing he says a Humanity Party member can feel – uses his position as a psycho cult leader to push for greater military spending and greater dissemination of military hand-me-downs to state and local police departments.
Nemelka, who believes no one but himself can experience a rare form of sex called “Ultimate Sex,” prescribes heroin as an entheogen to members of his religious following, whom he refers to collectively as “The Humanity Party.”
He will introduce Trump at the Roanoke, Va. rally on Saturday and has promised not to turn the event into a promotion for his book, The Sealed Portion (available everywhere books are sold), a researched, canonical continuation of the holy Book of Mormon, written directly from sacred plates only he and Donald Trump have ever seen.
Nemelka famously tricked Joseph Smith’s heiress into giving him her plot in the Mormon holy center, where he purchased a tombstone advertising his book and website. Nemelka unsuccessfully attempted to use the loose internet collective Anonymous as his proselytizing vehicle, and has since deleted videos from YouTube documenting his failed attempts to convert impressionable young Internet weirdos into book-purchasing, drug cult weirdos.
Together, Trump and Nemelka are expected to reveal the stones to adoring fans Saturday, Sept. 24 at the Salem Civic Center, a once-sacred Mormon holy site.
It is rumored staff reporter @kilgoar trout could report live from inside the rally, with tantalizing results!
GRAND RAPIDS, Mich.–Citizens mourn the loss of former US Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton, who surrendered to a mysterious illness Thursday, September 22, while chilling in Grand Rapids, Michigan, where she was scheduled to give a speech about being a woman.
Details are as yet unclear regarding the future of the 2016 presidential race, but sources close to the Clinton candidacy suggest all signs pointed to a Kaine-Trump ticket, and many politely refused to address obvious signs of Clinton’s declining health.
Donald Trump said he will no longer use “lamestream media” to promote his latest round of attacks on Hillary, sponsored by the return of Crystal Pepsi. In remarks to the Chronicle, Trump said efforts to whitewash Hillary’s dependence on human trafficking for income led her to “some really bad guys…is what’s probably fucking her up.”
Trump said dressing Hillary up as a woman of the people is like “putting lipstick on a pig.” He didn’t really say that. I said it. Actually, Obama said it about Palin:
2008: Obama poked fun of McCain and Palin’s new “change” mantra.
“You can put lipstick on a pig,” he said as the crowd cheered. “It’s still a pig.”
“You can wrap an old fish in a piece of paper called change. It’s still gonna stink.”
“We’ve had enough of the same old thing.”
But it’s all the same shit.
Hillary’s offices and files were seized by SWAT forces. An official at the scene said her remaining hard drives will be probed and held as evidence in pending judgments against her estate by the FBI.
WATCH BELOW: HILLARY RODHAM CLINTON LOSES CONTROL OF HER BODY NEAR MULTIPLE SECRET SERVICE ESCORTS
As a result of your gross fixation on death, Clinton’s cause of death was an afterthought, merely appended to the end of this article, buried in this sentence, in which you learn she died of pneumonia.
Experts predict Trump may actually have a chance in her wake. His odds of winning improve greatly after Clinton’s death, since now she is unable to host a foreign campaign fundraiser, which was scheduled later in Vienna, Austria, a neutral country.
All the while, we do it doggystyle here at chronicle.su – stay with us because next time we meet, we will be exploring a whole new world of possibilities afforded to the very rich under either successive regime.
Before her death, Hillary slammed Trump when news broke of his plans for a lavish, expensive funeral service. Hillary said unlike her gaudy opponent, she will not have a big fancy funeral. Her simple request?
“I just want to be buried with my slaves.”
“If it ain’t Virginia neoliberalism, it ain’t Tim Kaine. ‘Cause Kaine does her The Virginia Way!”
Paid for by Tim Kaine.
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Trump insulted firefighters who rushed to their deaths on 9/11
INTERNET — Sunday, on the fifteenth anniversary of 9/11, Donald Trump insulted firefighters by telling followers that the heroes who died on that day “rushed into the doomed buildings like lemmings.”
Firefighter and police unions have already issued mixed responses, ranging from rage and solemn grief yet overwhelmingly apologizing for a candidate that they see as the only hope in destroying ISIS.
New York fire chief Harry Bryant told reporters at an impromptu press conference, “Trump didn’t mean that. That’s the liberal media’s lies. Trump’s a good man and he’s right. In his America this wouldn’t have ever happened to begin with. And you know what? Mistakes were made on that day and a good leader admits it.”
Trump also insulted menopausal women, suggesting that Hillary Clinton’s early exit and collapse at a 9/11 memorial ceremony was a “major hot flash,” adding, “how can she run the country if she can’t take the heat?”
Analysts suggest that Trump’s attempt to throw the election and parlay the success into launching a new media network are backfiring. Dr. Angstrom H Troubador, expert in digital politics, said, “The numbers don’t lie. Trump gets all the views, all the attention, and he is at the nexus of power whether he wins or loses. His attempts to lose continue to cause him to win, possibly hampering his style and power with the demands of the presidency. That decorum and political power would only irritate his base and associate him with everything they hate.”
RICHMOND, Va. — We went to Virginia Commonwealth University, and hung out on the quad, and near a daycare center – where the young people are – to let their voices be heard.
Let’s hear what kids think about the 2016 election:
Harris: “I can’t wait until we go back to the cold reality of, ‘Oh, yeah, I should have known that candidate I voted for was owned by banks.'”
Harris, 18, VCU.
Tiffany: “I think the presidency is important because we have so many important issues right now. Like, can you believe the iPhone 7 doesn’t have an earphone jack?”
Tiffany, 21, is not as conscientious as she looks.
Matt: “I think it’s time for Trump to get serious, and talk about the issues that matter, like can you believe I haven’t played my Wii U in over a year? What did we even win after World War II? Thanks for nothing, Hirohito!”
Matt, 20, VCU.
Jaydien: “The two-party system is really just two sides of the same coin. It doesn’t matter which way you toss that coin. Whether it’s heads or tails, the people lose. I would be very concerned for the future of this country, if I wasn’t a baby.”
Russian President Vladimir Putin officially endorsed Donald Trump
MOSCOW — Russian President Putin officially endorsed Donald Trump Thursday, following Trump’s call for Russian intelligence agencies to penetrate Hillary Clinton’s classified e-mails. This marks the first time the Russian state has made any official statement on an election in the US.
Putin told the press, “Donald Trump is a very wise, shrewd man and under his rule a Russian and American alliance could truly stride across the globe. The FSB is working incredibly hard to hack and ruin Hillary’s campaign, and this is just the very beginning.”
Imitating Trump’s style somewhat, Putin went off topic, saying, “I know for a fact that President Obama was born in Nigeria. Maybe we will do something with those files, maybe Assange would like them. Maybe Obama will not finish his term. We will bring the big hacks.”
Bernie supporters pledge to switch over to Trump if Hillary wins
INTERNET — Despite lies peddled by the Hillary-controlled media, Bernie Sanders still has a very likely chance of winning the primary despite facing nearly impossible odds. However, a recent poll by Quinnipiac showed that 55% of Bernie voters would shift their votes to Trump if given Hillary as the only other choice. Analyst Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador deconstructed the meaning of this statistical finding, saying, “Voting for Hillary in the primaries is over a half a vote given to Trump. End of story.”
Bernie supporters waved the numbers in Hillary supporters’ faces on social media, final mathematical proof of the correctness of voting for Sanders. Some person somewhere posted on Reddit in response to this very story, “No one can deny it. We hold all the power and they have nothing but their fake establishment tricks – and you know what? We don’t want that. Nothing could be worse than that. And we hold Hillary to be equally as conservative as Trump, because she voted for war and there is basically no difference except that Trump is not a part of the establishment. He is at least a political revolution. Things may get worse before they get better, but under Hillary it would be the very end. The bitter, cold end when America is ruined and tech companies like Apple and Facebook have to take the lead. Democracy 2.0 is on its way, and the antiquated slow-paced stuff is out, it’s crumbling before our eyes.”
Famous political blogger Forrest Oldman said, “The American people, we are like the undergrowth in a forest where the soil is wrecked. It’s rootbound with the overgrowth of big trees, corporations. They stand tall, blocking out the sun. For some it is okay, but for most there is no hope in sight. Their lives are precarious and lean, and they will vote for any hope at all, especially false hopes. The old trees talk to them, tell them how to grow, ‘Do not prune us, for you might one day be a giant yourself. Feed on the lead corrupted waters that we won’t, and you will be stronger than we ever were.’ And so they slowly coax the life out of Americans everywhere.”
Campaign staffers found Trump dead in his bed Sunday morning
OHIO — Campaign assistants found Donald Trump dead in his hotel room Sunday morning with a pillow over his head. The assistants found his body after the bombastic presidential hopeful failed to appear for breakfast.
Foul play was ruled out of Trump’s death by US Marshals and Secret Service agents following a brief, but thorough investigation. The death follows an assassination attempt at a rally in Ohio on Saturday.
Detective John Kimball told reporters, “There is no need for an autopsy as it was clearly a natural death.”
Trump’s followers have clung to anger and hostility even in the moment of his death, gathering in public spaces not to hold vigil or pay respects at impromptu shrines, but instead registering their grief by brandishing assault rifles and shouting obscenity at passing Mexicans and Muslims, blaming them for the death of their beloved would-be leader.
Few of Trump’s followers are accepting the official story on his death. Online comments are split, with some believing the death is part of an ongoing Obama assassination program targeting powerful conservative figures — linking the killing to judge Scalia’s death. Others believe the killing was paid for by Ted Cruz’s campaign and only made to look like another Obama hit so as to not affect Cruz’s sure shot at the presidential nomination. Even others see potential ISIS or communist groups behind the assassination. Prominent alt-right figure Greg McNolty said “Cultural Marxists will do anything to keep the white man down. I don’t see how anyone with their eyes open can deny Obama’s totalitarian Marxist regime is murdering all its enemies. Breitbart, Scalia, and now Trump. Everyone knows the CIA’s got air pistols with undetectable poison darts made of ice. They could’ve fried his heart with HAARP if they wanted. None of the weapons they’d use are even detectable.”
CHICAGO — Friday night after protestors blocked a Donald Trump rally, frustrated Trump supporters fought back by gang raping people of color.
Riot police, outraged by infringements upon The Apprentice stars’ First Amendment rights, massaged their engorged organs from behind the privacy of bullet proof shields, beating at anyone who tried to escape the brutish kettle of primal abjection.
The rapers screeched “White genocide,” and whispered Trump slogans to their victims as a threat.
“You’re going to build the wall, and you’re going to like it, ya Mexican bitch,” one raper exclaimed on rape footage posted on LiveLeak. All videos of the incident were wiped from the internet quickly and a general media blackout continues unabated.
Many offenders took to social media to brag on the hashtag #TrumpRapeCrew. One rapist said, “We went after the Muslims because they must be used to it by now with how theyre [sic] countries are.” Other commenters hopped on the hashtag, connecting the event to the migrant rapings in Europe, “Whites aren’t just going to let themselves suffer genocide by the rapist hordes of muslim migrants. We’re finally raping back.”
“Build up the wall! Build up the wall!” the bloodthirsty crowd repeated.
The riot police handcuffed each rape victim as a single team of paramedics attended to the grievous wounds.
One Mexican, lying in the street and bound in zip-ties after an apparent attack, cried out for water.
“Get this…Mexican man some water, he’s dehydrated,” a paramedic said. “And he’s Mexican!”
A fair-skinned female medic unscrewed the lid of her canteen, kneeling in the grass at a reasonable distance from the brown-skinned man. She scooped up a pile of fresh dirt and added it to the draught.
“Here, it’s ready for him,” she said, and screwed the lid back on tight. She slid the canteen across the pavement to her partner. “This is how they drink it.”
The burly blonde EMS reassured the victim, pouring the sandy water into his savaged throat, “You just don’t know any better. And now you’re under arrest for disturbing Donald Trump’s free speech.”
The EMS clipped a police badge onto his navy blue medic uniform. Shocked eyewitnesses tell reporters he then tased the subdued victim in cold blood before leaving the scene in an armored vehicle.
Reporters noticed a wooden box – a coffin, apparently ripped out of a funeral home during rioting – with a sign attached to the wall. The sign read “We are not rapists” and had a hole cut in the center of the board, through the letter ‘o.’ Somebody was watching them through the hole. A brown iris darted, watching for attackers.
Reporters heard a muffled, forced cry from the box, “Trump was right.”