ROANOKE, Va. — FBI agents claim two stoned American white men were “ripped like babies from a womb” following Tuesday’s election results.
Investigators who have been working on the case since Wednesday said the men appeared paranoid and terrified, as if they had seen some horrible aspect.
“It was like they were just seeing the world for the first time,” the agent said. He called it “the 9/11 of their time” – a point of reference in their timeline of social consciousness beyond which no innocence can be returned.
One of the guys was passed out in police custody, because he’s a pot-smoking CRIMINAL, but the other one was cool because he didn’t have weed on him, so he told Internet Chronicle how his world view changed:
I thought we’d come farther than this, man. I actually really thought we had come so far, we could get a career criminal elected into office over Archie Bunker. Turns out, I was wrong about a lot of things. Next time, I’m voting with my heart: I’m going Gary Johnson. Now he has a plan!
“They’ll never forget how they remembered America’s paranoid, racist history extending as far back as the 1970s, when white nerds killed disco, for which we have already apologized profusely.” federal agent Smith said. “Nor will they forget how flimsy a candidate can be, who deletes subpoenaed emails on command for her corporate power-lords.”
Internet Chronicle linguistics analyst and hate philosopher Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour believes in front loading attribution, and that blatant misuse of language itself led to the seemingly eternal crisis of political misunderstanding between the so-called Left and so-called Right.
“The words ‘liberal’ and ‘conservative’ don’t even have denotations anymore. They mean what people want them to mean,” Troubadour said. “These words are to be avoided at all cost.”
makin money, makin money, makin money, makin money, makin money, makin money’s for the words.
[Editor’s note: Remember Trump’s CRAZY response when the 60 Minutes lady asked him how many more tax dollars would be spent drone striking weddings?]
LONDON–Julian Assange’s oldest love of “crushing bastards” could soon include “crushing bitches” too, after new documents released by Wikileaks show collusion between Hillary Clinton, Clinton Foundation administrators, and Democratic National Committee treasurers.
Everyone but Lee Iacocca has their money on Clinton, given that even weapons manufacturers stand to gain from a Clinton presidency – unphased by her perceived challenges to small arms rights – because she is better known in the military tech world as “the enabler,” a hopeful puppet of military profit strategy.
A leaked Boeing email calls Clinton “a real drone saleswoman,” adding, “This broad could sell airline tickets to birds.”
Clinton’s subtle nods to drone warfare expansion promise a new cycle of state and civil terrorism.
Lockheed-Martin stocks show signs of growth after a group of American war machine investors bet on a permanent battleground for our children and grandchildren. And that’s just the subject line.
The body of the texts is damning indeed. You won’t believe the sins!
File Photo: Hillary Clinton shows dominance by gnashing her teeth at a voter.
“Hillary’s a dead ringer,” Trump told CNN on Thursday. “She’s a puppet of the anti-gun liberal hippies, and oh, did I mention she’s a crook? You want a guy like me, who’s a puppet pretending to be against everything she is. I’m the guy you want. And, do I need to say it? She’s a woman. And I think I’ve made myself clear how I feel about women. Nobody respects women more than me.”
Clinton reassured everyone that she is for guns, and for war, and that nothing in the emails suggests she played any significant role in the corruption of the Democratic National Committee, nor does she have any inappropriate ties to Wall Street not already explained by her daughter’s three million dollar wedding. Clinton went so far as to double down on what FOX News pundits referred to as ‘weak rhetoric’ by slamming Putin with promises of a No Fly Zone over Syria, enhanced by a first-strike tactical nuclear option.
NEW YORK — “Readers won’t know what hit ’em,” Donald Trump told The Internet Chronicle on Saturday. “It’ll blindside ’em. This book is gonna hit you so hard, reading it will literally make you retarded.”
Trump said he reached out to chronicle.su to discuss the latest in what appears to be the largest public relations stunt in American history.
Trump clarified remarks made in the “leaked” audio actually were prepared statements written to hype his new book, “Grabbing Pussies.”
“I wanted people to see how I did it,” Trump said. “How I turned a small loan into a booming political franchise. How I walked right up to the country like it was an ATM, and how I just reached out. And grabbed its pussy.”
Mike Pence described his own shock at the book reveal as “apoplectic.” Pence said he hadn’t seen such gross political misconduct since as far back as 2014, when former Va. governor Bob McDonnell and his wife were indicted for selling political favors to Anatabloc salesman Johnnie Williams. Pence said he looks for the same from former Va. governor Tim Kaine.
“Political favor is not to be sold,” Pence said. “It is to be stolen, like an election. That’s democracy.”
An inconsolable Pence did not attend a function in Wisconsin, and could not be reached for further comment.
Look for Donald Trump’s Grabbing Pussies everywhere books are sold, on sale Nov. 2.
[Editor’s Note: Lebal Drocer’s official stance is such that: People are property, and women belong in the crosshairs of male aggression and affection, not positions of power.]
Grabbing Pussies is a Lebal Drocer Production.
CHRONICLE.SU and her subsidiaries are property of Lebal Drocer, Inc.
Don’t let their looks fool you, these new voters will someday mature into scared, old people.
ROANOKE, Va. — In a piece rejected by VICE, The Internet Chronicle staked out a nearby voter registration office and harangued new voters with invasive personal questions. In their unlikely, but convenient responses, these new voters expressed an uncommon sense of belief in the system, and some stood in awe of the broad, diverse spectrum of choices ranging from rich white man, to rich white woman – and everything in between!
Maria Pleskin, student
“Which celebrity criminal do I vote for?” said Maria Pleskin, who just turned 18 and is voting for her very first time. Pleskin, who for some reason has a very stupid name, is a community college student at Virginia Western Community College in Roanoke, Virginia. “I’ll tell you this: I’m telling you, I admire Trump’s speeches but I’m in love with Hillary’s corporatism.” Pleskin was noticeably off-the-cuff and casual about the presidential election, while maintaining an almost painful awareness of the stakes.
Gary Marvin, political science professor and first-time voter
“I am afraid Trump would celebrate war crimes with brash bravado, whereas Hillary would handle civilian murder with quiet class, a serious face, and stern dignity,” said Gary Marvin, a political science professor at Virginia Commonwealth University in Richmond. “I never used to participate in this sham of an electoral system, but when it comes to extralegal murder of US citizens, hashtag-I’m-with-her!”
Steven Harris, barista
“No shit all the third party candidates are crazy,” Steven says. He plays Counterstrike with a Steam group of ironic Communists. “You have to be crazy to run for president, but at least they’re crazy and ostracized. I took an online personality test, and it said I most identify with crazy, alienated people, which is why I’m voting third party.”
Hunter Bellard, glassblower
I’ve always admired Larry David’s work. I loved Seinfeld, and Curb Your Enthusiasm is one of the funniest comedies ever written. So obviously, I am sticking to my guns, and voting Bernie Sanders.
“Sanders is cool,” Bellard said. “I saw him on Twitter one time and I said ‘what’s up.’ But he’s busy, so he didn’t respond.”
I entertain no hope of ever owning land, people or property. I’m voting for Jill Stein.
Melissa Summers, 5th grade teacher
“I remember learning in Civics class about the differences between the two parties. It is a balanced and inclusive system.”
Melissa Summers, a 35-year-old school teacher from Arkansas, said she’s voting for Clinton out of a shared belief in the essential beauty of two-party oligarchies.
“Look, if the United States was an oligarch, power would rest only in the hands of a small group of wealthy military corporatists,” Summers said. “You know, our system might not be perfect, but it works. Progress takes time.”
Finally, our story turns to Dirty Johnny, an eighth grader at Hidden Valley Middle School in Roanoke. Even though he is too young to vote, Johnny is taking advantage of lax Virginia voter ID laws and voting for Trump in November, because he says Trump will stop the voices in his head.
“Trump understands me,” Johnny explained. “He loves me. That is what he tells me every night, from the air vent underneath my bed.”
VOTE YOU FILTHY ANIMALS. VOTE LIKE YOU’RE TOLD TO
At the time of publication, Vice did not respond to inquiries relating to this story.
ROANOKE, Va. — Trump aides confirmed Humanity Party leader Chris Nemelka, a neoconservative religious cult leader who plies his congregation with opioids, is scheduled to introduce the 2016 Republican presidential nominee at a rally in the quiet mountain village of Roanoke, Virginia.
Humanity Party leader Chris Nemelka, seen here comparing himself to Jesus, has thrown his full support behind Donald Trump and the Republican Party.
Nemelke said in a podcast he supports Trump specifically because Trump stands for a stronger, militarized Israel.
Nemelke, who compares military funding to a hit of heroin – the best thing he says a Humanity Party member can feel – uses his position as a psycho cult leader to push for greater military spending and greater dissemination of military hand-me-downs to state and local police departments.
Nemelka, who believes no one but himself can experience a rare form of sex called “Ultimate Sex,” prescribes heroin as an entheogen to members of his religious following, whom he refers to collectively as “The Humanity Party.”
He will introduce Trump at the Roanoke, Va. rally on Saturday and has promised not to turn the event into a promotion for his book, The Sealed Portion (available everywhere books are sold), a researched, canonical continuation of the holy Book of Mormon, written directly from sacred plates only he and Donald Trump have ever seen.
Nemelka famously tricked Joseph Smith’s heiress into giving him her plot in the Mormon holy center, where he purchased a tombstone advertising his book and website. Nemelka unsuccessfully attempted to use the loose internet collective Anonymous as his proselytizing vehicle, and has since deleted videos from YouTube documenting his failed attempts to convert impressionable young Internet weirdos into book-purchasing, drug cult weirdos.
Together, Trump and Nemelka are expected to reveal the stones to adoring fans Saturday, Sept. 24 at the Salem Civic Center, a once-sacred Mormon holy site.
It is rumored staff reporter @kilgoar trout could report live from inside the rally, with tantalizing results!
GRAND RAPIDS, Mich.–Citizens mourn the loss of former US Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton, who surrendered to a mysterious illness Thursday, September 22, while chilling in Grand Rapids, Michigan, where she was scheduled to give a speech about being a woman.
Details are as yet unclear regarding the future of the 2016 presidential race, but sources close to the Clinton candidacy suggest all signs pointed to a Kaine-Trump ticket, and many politely refused to address obvious signs of Clinton’s declining health.
Donald Trump said he will no longer use “lamestream media” to promote his latest round of attacks on Hillary, sponsored by the return of Crystal Pepsi. In remarks to the Chronicle, Trump said efforts to whitewash Hillary’s dependence on human trafficking for income led her to “some really bad guys…is what’s probably fucking her up.”
Trump said dressing Hillary up as a woman of the people is like “putting lipstick on a pig.” He didn’t really say that. I said it. Actually, Obama said it about Palin:
2008: Obama poked fun of McCain and Palin’s new “change” mantra.
“You can put lipstick on a pig,” he said as the crowd cheered. “It’s still a pig.”
“You can wrap an old fish in a piece of paper called change. It’s still gonna stink.”
“We’ve had enough of the same old thing.”
But it’s all the same shit.
Hillary’s offices and files were seized by SWAT forces. An official at the scene said her remaining hard drives will be probed and held as evidence in pending judgments against her estate by the FBI.
WATCH BELOW: HILLARY RODHAM CLINTON LOSES CONTROL OF HER BODY NEAR MULTIPLE SECRET SERVICE ESCORTS
As a result of your gross fixation on death, Clinton’s cause of death was an afterthought, merely appended to the end of this article, buried in this sentence, in which you learn she died of pneumonia.
Experts predict Trump may actually have a chance in her wake. His odds of winning improve greatly after Clinton’s death, since now she is unable to host a foreign campaign fundraiser, which was scheduled later in Vienna, Austria, a neutral country.
All the while, we do it doggystyle here at chronicle.su – stay with us because next time we meet, we will be exploring a whole new world of possibilities afforded to the very rich under either successive regime.
Before her death, Hillary slammed Trump when news broke of his plans for a lavish, expensive funeral service. Hillary said unlike her gaudy opponent, she will not have a big fancy funeral. Her simple request?
“I just want to be buried with my slaves.”
“If it ain’t Virginia neoliberalism, it ain’t Tim Kaine. ‘Cause Kaine does her The Virginia Way!”
Paid for by Tim Kaine.
This message proudly sponsored by Tim Kaine, our new Newtopian Overlord. All abord the Kaine Traine! ALL ABOOOOOOOARD!
Trump insulted firefighters who rushed to their deaths on 9/11
INTERNET — Sunday, on the fifteenth anniversary of 9/11, Donald Trump insulted firefighters by telling followers that the heroes who died on that day “rushed into the doomed buildings like lemmings.”
Firefighter and police unions have already issued mixed responses, ranging from rage and solemn grief yet overwhelmingly apologizing for a candidate that they see as the only hope in destroying ISIS.
New York fire chief Harry Bryant told reporters at an impromptu press conference, “Trump didn’t mean that. That’s the liberal media’s lies. Trump’s a good man and he’s right. In his America this wouldn’t have ever happened to begin with. And you know what? Mistakes were made on that day and a good leader admits it.”
Trump also insulted menopausal women, suggesting that Hillary Clinton’s early exit and collapse at a 9/11 memorial ceremony was a “major hot flash,” adding, “how can she run the country if she can’t take the heat?”
Analysts suggest that Trump’s attempt to throw the election and parlay the success into launching a new media network are backfiring. Dr. Angstrom H Troubador, expert in digital politics, said, “The numbers don’t lie. Trump gets all the views, all the attention, and he is at the nexus of power whether he wins or loses. His attempts to lose continue to cause him to win, possibly hampering his style and power with the demands of the presidency. That decorum and political power would only irritate his base and associate him with everything they hate.”
RICHMOND, Va. — We went to Virginia Commonwealth University, and hung out on the quad, and near a daycare center – where the young people are – to let their voices be heard.
Let’s hear what kids think about the 2016 election:
Harris: “I can’t wait until we go back to the cold reality of, ‘Oh, yeah, I should have known that candidate I voted for was owned by banks.'”
Harris, 18, VCU.
Tiffany: “I think the presidency is important because we have so many important issues right now. Like, can you believe the iPhone 7 doesn’t have an earphone jack?”
Tiffany, 21, is not as conscientious as she looks.
Matt: “I think it’s time for Trump to get serious, and talk about the issues that matter, like can you believe I haven’t played my Wii U in over a year? What did we even win after World War II? Thanks for nothing, Hirohito!”
Matt, 20, VCU.
Jaydien: “The two-party system is really just two sides of the same coin. It doesn’t matter which way you toss that coin. Whether it’s heads or tails, the people lose. I would be very concerned for the future of this country, if I wasn’t a baby.”
Russian President Vladimir Putin officially endorsed Donald Trump
MOSCOW — Russian President Putin officially endorsed Donald Trump Thursday, following Trump’s call for Russian intelligence agencies to penetrate Hillary Clinton’s classified e-mails. This marks the first time the Russian state has made any official statement on an election in the US.
Putin told the press, “Donald Trump is a very wise, shrewd man and under his rule a Russian and American alliance could truly stride across the globe. The FSB is working incredibly hard to hack and ruin Hillary’s campaign, and this is just the very beginning.”
Imitating Trump’s style somewhat, Putin went off topic, saying, “I know for a fact that President Obama was born in Nigeria. Maybe we will do something with those files, maybe Assange would like them. Maybe Obama will not finish his term. We will bring the big hacks.”