Mitt Romney cancels presidential bid to pursue dream of underage polygamy: GOV’T OFFICIAL SPEAKS OUT!

Mitt Romney cancels presidential bid to pursue dreams of underage polygamy

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Donald Trump says “No way” Bush or Romney could win in 2016. Hillary Clinton says she’s already purchased the job. But none of that matters to would-be presidential candidate Mitt Romney, who has informally announced to his staff he will step down from the 2016 presidential candidacy, one of his campaigners said Sunday. The 67-year-old businessman has decided to back out of the race because Americans “simply weren’t twisted enough” to elect a Mormon president.

Dr. Joseph Smith, Jr., who campaigned for more than 20 years with the former Mass. governor, said Romney intends to pursue a number of young women in his convent.

“Mitt has always struggled with his Mormonism,” Smith said. “After he realized Americans weren’t comfortable normalizing statutory rape – openly comfortable with it, anyway – he said presidency wasn’t for him.”

Although he narrowly lost a presidential campaign in 2012 to Ayatollah Hussein, Romney’s wealth quintupled after the elections, garnering the politician unspeakable social and religious power. Connections to the royal family have granted him unprecedented access to child sex slaves in England, and Mormon church leaders in America have turned their prayers to a higher power: Fervent pledges to the health and well-being of Mitt Romney are often accompanied by tithes of gold bullion, property, and even people.

“Mitt Romney wasn’t lying in 2012 when he said he has ‘binders full of women,'” Smith said. “He owns people. The reason I speak to your fine publication today is because I haven’t seen my daughter in 3 years, and I just learned she is scheduled to appear in a mass-wedding ceremony next month, to be married off to Romney. Considering she’s just 10 years old, I am starting to wonder if Mitt Romney’s power has gone to his head.”

Roanoke Police Slaughter 5 Men Because Wives Were Not Wearing ‘Proper’ Islamic Headgarb

slutThe Police State in Roanoke, Va. publicly executed five men in front of the Roanoke Star Tuesday because their wives were not wearing appropriate Islamic head covering, according to American media sources.

The jihadi group’s Roanoke Police Department, or the Hisbah, the individuals entrusted with enforcing their version of American Hate Law are ordering women to wear Afghan-inspired hijab, where the entire face is covered.

Roanoke Chief of Police said face coverings which expose the eyes promote rape and social impurity.

“Everything they were wearing was fine,” the chief said, “except for a slutty, filthy slit where the eyes go. Sharia law is now active in Roanoke County.”

Kanye West suing compass manufacturer for illegal use of his name

Kanye West: "SIRS Navigation doesn't care about anybody whose families and reputations they hurt when that needle lands on them."

Kanye West: “SIRS Navigation doesn’t care about anybody whose families and reputations they hurt when that needle lands on them.”

Copyright law faces a new challenge after rap artist Kanye West™ announced his intentions Wednesday to open up a “reverse” class action lawsuit against SIRS Navigation, and other companies for illegally using his name without permission.

“I didn’t ask to be born with this name,” West said. “But I won’t be bullied around by these faceless instrument manufacturers anymore.”

West said he is not the only person whose rights were infringed upon.

“Anyone bearing the surname of a cardinal direction is invited to follow suit,” he said. “I’m looking at you, Peter North.”

If the West court battle goes as planned, experts confirmed it will be the first time an individual has simultaneously squared off against the veteran legal teams of three corporations, all leaders in their fields.

“It’s a reverse class action,” West said. “SIRS Navigation doesn’t care about anybody whose families and reputations they hurt when the needle lands on them. That is why I’m suing literally everybody who ever slapped my name on a product.”

West and his attorney Jeremy Matthews said the lawsuit is also aimed at Global Sources and Kasper and Richter, as well as several small Swiss instrument makers.

West said he would like to see SIRS Navigation go in the ‘right direction’ by adding a small trademark symbol (™) or the letters TM after each iteration of his name, as in the case of the large capital W appearing on most compasses.

Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour, Professor of Law at MIT, called the charges “unprecedented,” adding that he has never seen anything like it in the 45 years he has studied and practiced law.

“When something like this crosses my desk, I just shake my head in wonder,” Troubadour said. “I’m consistently amazed at my country’s capacity for justice. Kanye will have his day, yet. Just wait.”

Matthews said charges will be formally filed by the end of the end of the week, at which time a press conference will be organized in front of his Hidden Hills mansion, which he shares with his Kim Kardashian in California.

Experts Reveal the Internet Chronicle is a Real Site

Suck our hammer and sickle, baby.

Suck our hammer and sickle, baby, we’re on the right side of history.

HAMBURG, Germany — While the world watched in amazement at the “Hell-in-a-cell” twitter-war between bitter rivals The Tor Project and Pando Daily, a humble researcher named Jacob Appelbalm gave a presentation at the Chaos Computer Clubs’ 31st Congressional hearing, in which the following years Internet agenda was drafted. Appelbalm, most known for his truly original and extraordinary MD5 hash-collision research and his Tor outreach, gave a rousing speech to a crowd of hackers being sslstripped. While Appelbalm and his colleagues work closely with Der Spielgel newspaper in Germany, which is world famous for dropping doxx on the NSA, he pivoted from his usual pandering and pointed to a new enemy within: the Glorious and Infallible Internet Chronicle.

Furious that he didn’t get exclusive Snowden deetz that the Internet Chronicle got, Jacob derided the news outlets ethics saying “The Internet Chronicle pretty much lets anything pass as journalism these days, it’s like they just type shit, don’t redact, don’t hold back documents for 3 years and just don’t give a damn if an article shits the closet.” The crowd cheered as the charismatic man on stage urinated in their ears, “These are the kind of people that I would ass-fuck with a chainsaw.”

Relenting for a moment as the crowds’ tears of joyous manipulation diminished into simpering sobs, he continued “However, from documents that have been gleaned over with a fine tooth comb by everyone here in Germany, it is unfortunate to note that the Internet Chronicle is a real site.” After a few minutes of diddling with his Mac, a slide appeared with a screenshot of http://www.scamadviser.com/is-chronicle.su-a-fake-site.html revealing our trustworthiness.

In closing, Appelbalm rabbled the crowd once again with images of revolution, stating: “These are just the times we live in, we’re going to have to accept the fact that our block-lists will be long and sycophants wide. That’s just the way the Berlin Wall crumbles, y’all.”

Of VICE and Men

The subject of Gavin McInnes being fired from the news outlet he created because of a piece he wrote was brought to my attention today through Justine Tunney’s article “In Defense of Gavin McInnes“. As a transwoman myself, I completely identify with Tunney’s words, however unpopular they may be. Not because I’m transgendered, but simply because she’s right. She speaks of freedom of expression and press, and as a journalist it frightens me that we can be torn from our own publication, have our families targeted and threatened with financial ruin by a mob of hysterical speech-hating cretins, simply for the words we write.

The public forums with integrated up/down-voting mechanisms for discussion, such as reddit, showed a rise in the idea that you could lessen the value of speech with the press of a button, not because it was wrong or because you rebutted with a superior counter-argument, rather because you just don’t like what you’re reading. It’s this mentality that has seeped into the minds of most people using the Internet, and it’s truly a testament to a willing erosion of our rights to express ourselves. When it becomes not about discussion, dialogue and diversity of opinion, but instead about censoring what we don’t agree with(along with trying to destroy the other persons life), we have truly lost our way.

I was featured in an article in VICE about a trolling organization I was a part of, known as the Rustle League. In the article I openly support the Westboro Baptist Church, not because I agree with them, but because they are one of the final bastions of freedom of speech in America and I will defend, to my death, their right to protest as many fags as they want. I also received threats because of that article.

VICE

OH FUCK!

Before that, I was included on an Australian television show about Internet trolling, where I was portrayed as the devil incarnate as a crowd of onlookers passed judgement before the show had even begun, not for what I said or had said, but because it could be said. The following week, I did an interview as a companion piece to the airing of the television show and the amount of vitriol spewed toward me in the comment section far exceeded anything I have ever said or done, but God bless them for saying it. It’s unfortunate the website had to close the comments section down because of the influx of troll-hating trolls being trolled into trolling, it made for quality trolling.

My tenure on the Internet spans from the mid-nineties to present and the amount of hatred directed towards me in a week is more than some people get in a lifetime. Does it bother me? No. Why? Because we all have a right to our opinions. What does bother me, however, is how quickly people will be there to try to take that right away and most of all, how successful they are.

Love it or leave it, just don’t delete it.

We come bearing gifts!

It is one thing to know government officials are corrupt. Meeting the indecency face-to-face, however, is another story.

Mike Webert, Career Criminal

Mike Webert is a white collar criminal-in-training who paid his freshman dues to the power structure, attempting to legislate extra money and power to police forces near you.

The neoliberal hate machine known as “The Virginia Way” is far more gruesome than newspapers can tell – or are willing to tell – and this spring I was fortunate enough to learn firsthand just what a nightmare we live in. It was a good experience, but I had anxiety attacks on a near-daily basis.

What I could not articulate at the time is why I thought a “bad” experience was a good thing. Since I believe in myself and the content of my work, I was never so happy to have a story as I was disillusioned by the facts I reported. But I realized that even though I cherish the experience, I never came back from the capitol with a smile on my face, because what I saw there was truly horrific.

I never thought to myself, “That was nice,” or, “That went well.” Each day shocked or disturbed me in new ways. Politicians accept money directly from contractors, for example, to vote on initiatives that put those contractors to work rather than opening jobs up to bidding. And if the rally against Medicaid expansion wasn’t an attack on the working class, then neither was Jim Crow.

I often paced the floors wondering how to communicate basic legislation in the context of Virginia’s descent into hyperlibertarianism.

It was my job to report what I heard and saw, but many times I could not put even the most basic practices into words. The question of ‘why’ was always answered with money, but whose money? The real story felt like it was hidden beneath layers of intentionally misleading arguments, a deceptive smile, or the tone of voice rather than the empty words themselves.

As I continue to follow the money into my own arranged accident, I am still connecting evidence. But the best example of money in politics at the literal level, when dealing with public servants, is the story of a fellow CNS reporter once waited patiently outside of a delegate’s office.

He is an enthusiastic journalist willing to do whatever it takes to get an answer, so when a legislative aide told him his source might be available sometime between the morning and lunch, he decided to wait for that opportunity. With a pen and paper in his lap, he waited for hours.

Legislative aides are people in the capitol building who manage a legislator’s public image, send emails and schedule appointments. They are known to sometimes offer vague details about a politician’s whereabouts or activity. It is a game of their own, and aides control access to our elected officials.

He waited a long time. During his third hour of waiting for a chance to interview the representative, a small group of lobbyists appeared with flowers and gift baskets of fruit, cheeses and dried meats.

“We come bearing gifts!” the female announced, holding up a gift basket with a smile.

“Well, hello!” replied the aide, taking the flowers and displaying them on her desk. “Please, come on in!”

The group strode by as my reporter continued to wait. They disappeared into their mutual representative’s office and closed the door.

If ever a politician was honest, it was a notoriously hateful Manassas Tea Party Republican named Bob Marshall who said Gov. Terry McAuliffe’s executive order – to limit the amount of gifts politicians may legally receive – pushes corruption underground. They still accept blood money; they just don’t publish it on their website.

What nobody will say, however, is why publishing gifts in any amount does little more than add insult to injury upon our political system: when you can purchase a public policy vote, and list the going rate.

"Corporations have money on both sides of the ball. If you still think it's an issue of liberals vs. conservatives, then you still believe in Santa Claus." - Bill Burr

“Corporations have money on both sides of the ball. If you still think it’s an issue of liberals vs. conservatives, then you still believe in Santa Claus.” – Bill Burr

Bill could be chanted into law

tea-party-protest-signs-washington-031610-lgA mob of civil rights activists could change the way a bill becomes law Friday by repetitively chanting slogans.

If enough protesters chant “Nobama,” a key piece of legislation is likely to bypass Congressional oversight to become the first law in American history to be introduced by mob rule.

The Washington Bull Party will combine hateful Tea Party slogans with stubborn resolve to collapse the free market and shut down American ports, Bull Party Leader Jamie Jo Corne said in a YouTube video.

“I’m going to Washington, and I’m going to fuckin’ throw my sign in their FACE,” Corne said. “I want them fuckin’ ports closed down. You wanna hurt ‘em? Go for their god damn jugular. Don’t bitch kick ‘em.”

Corne accused viewers of being “pussified non-Americans” and said they are just as bad as those illegal immigrants taking over the United States, raping citizens.

Also called the “American Spring,” event planners said the demonstration is going to be a real barn-burner. If laws change at the whim of mob rule, then America will take one giant leap toward a greater Democracy.

There is no such thing as 'politics'- it's all money

My time as a “real journalist”

I recently spent time as a news reporter covering Virginia state politics. Over the course of a series of anxiety attacks and a number of shattered worldviews, I learned that ideology is important to politics like OJ’s alibi helped his case. Sure, you can put out a hypothetical argument, but everybody knows it’s money that makes real shit happen.

Allow me to state the obvious: Virginia’s 1% has the fucking money.

evil-white-motherfuckers

How much money? Never enough, if you know where to look. Mitt Romney, who ran against Obama in 2012, just gave our disgraced former governor $10,000 to help him get out of that whole “selling political power” indictment he and his wife so unfortunately found themselves in.

How much money? So much that it looks like Virginia doesn’t need free federal assistance. The state and its ignorant voter set recently answered a poll saying “no thank you” to Medicaid expansion that would have insured 450,000 needy Virginians. The same Virginians who could use the money (no strings attached, mind you, none at all – the money was going to this purpose anyway), with their hands held out in that begging, “Oh God help me or I’m going to die” style, are literally saying no to it. Are we a stupid people? Maybe, but even stupid people have instincts. Virginians are actually saying no to the federal money because the ideological farce favors corporate power on a scale so staggering, so stupefying, that world religious leaders probably look at America and think to themselves, “Why the fuck didn’t we think of that?”

How much money? Too much to report on. I attempted to report where Governor Terry McAuliffe’s money came from in December, shortly before he took office. My editor, a respected college professor, must be a democrat because he edited out the parts where I reported who gave McAuliffe his money, and how his promises aligned with their business models, and sent it to publication without my consent. He told me later he took it out because “it sounded forced.”

Why is that a problem? We journalists are taught to risk our freedom and risk our lives to report as much of the power politics minutia as we possibly can. Hacks report what a politician says to his opponents. Quality journalists report what a politician says, and where his money comes from, in a practice collectively known as “follow the money.” Nixon was toppled because two journalists successfully followed the money. Corrupt Bob McDonnell and his bottom-feeding wife might go to jail because people followed the money. And now I have attempted to follow the money.

Running The Internet Chronicle, combined with a practice of hounding powerful white men, has gotten me an incessantly clicking cellphone camera (thanks, Angry Birds), publication in over 20 Virginia newspapers in the last quarter, and some kind of awesome real-world resume-topping bullshit like I even give a fuck, like that’s even impressive, like it’s gonna get me a job in a decayed industry – like I’m some kind of briefcase-carrying, cigar-smoking, brandy-drinking, bottom-feeding, ladder-climbing young professional product of television: “Just Shoot Me!” and I’m going to make jokes with my boss about who got food for the office last time, and ‘this damn printer, again!’ Those interactions as you and I know are obviously going to be relegated to, “Holy shit, did you see the size of that rat?” and “You think we can afford to keep the paper running after Sears pulls out advertising?”

See, it’s money. Money keeps it moving. I asked a Republican delegate who introduced whistleblower protection laws if Snowden, too, is a patriot in the same way the local man was who the legislation is aimed at. “Not even the same ballgame,” he replied. And if you think Republicans are “worse” than Democrats for taking money like they do, then just take a look at this website.

If you dig in deep enough, you’ll find the same companies padding the pockets of every single motherfucking politician – democrat or republican (since those are our only two choices, what a democracy!) who touches their work. A construction company wants the city bid on an upcoming project? Well, guess who donated to the chairs of every planning committee, subcommittee and appropriations committee the project’s legislation passed through! No, the real question should be, who DIDN’T receive money to lie to you? To pretend to be ideologically motivated, instead of financially motivated? Who didn’t shake your hand, and lie to your face at a bar or some fucking ribbon cutting ceremony, when he was wearing plaid and kissing your faggoty baby, telling you how he’s gonna remember your name and take your concerns to Washington?

There’s not a living Virginia politician who doesn’t exchange political power for money. That’s why they want the job. You get rich as fuck doing this, and you get all kinds of neat perks like the chance to ride in a fast car, and free boats and shit. Hell, there’s not even a politician who’s neither Republican nor Democrat. And if you’re worried about somebody pulling a Lee Harvey Oswald, don’t sweat it. We got guys watching those guys. The power structure is safe. It’s people like you and me who are not. Their phones don’t click. They behave. Our phones click. Our power is dubious. Think I’m wrong? Do your own research, and I’ll do mine, and let’s see what we come up with.

In the case of my editor, who deleted the most important part of my McAuliffe piece, he not only protected the old white dude power structure, he failed to remove any of the potential dangers that challenging that system presented me with. My phone still clicks. Because my first draft got traded around via public college email servers, my intentions are still there, on a permanent record, but not for the public to see. The truth is instead hidden in some government database used to build a profile of my political leanings and tendencies to try to agitate and challenge authority. And nobody even got to see the fucking reason why. If I disappear, they’ll assume it’s because I was failing as a journalist. They’ll know I was just reckless and weak. Couldn’t string any real, hard-hitting story out anyway. When he did, it was a one-off kind of thing.

Sometimes I wonder: Wouldn’t it be funny if we all put our money together and outspent a corporation in the 2016 elections? I mean, we would have to spend a lot of money, and that’s not all. We’d need to pay staffs of lobbyists to keep a stream of gift-baskets and incentives flowing into these men’s offices. We’d need real fucking spending power. Also, we’d need a We. We don’t have a We. We strategically divided. Your profile and mine, they just don’t align.

But wouldn’t it be funny? It’s only a thought. Anyway, I know I can’t afford it, and you can’t either. That’s the beauty of capitalism! Spending money on political campaigns is a constitutionally protected form of free speech.

How much freedom can YOU afford?

Tony Hayward awarded Presidential Medal of Freedom

Recently awarded 14 additional drilling permits. But the Gulf will never be clean again.

Chris Hedges slams Israel, blames 'intellectuals' for Occupy failure

Israel is attacking American universities with data shared to them by the National Security Agency, and “busy” professors are responsible for the degradation of Occupy Wall Street, author and journalist Chris Hedges said.

Hedges said while he and Dr. Cornel West were having dinner, the two of them lambasted lazy journalism professors and other intellectuals of being “too busy” to support free speech. During a speech to Northeastern University in Boston, Massachusetts, Hedges revealed a sinister Jewish plot to undermine American efforts at free dialog.

[Teachers] develop a secret respect for television media; a self-reinforced trust of the government.”

Documents leaked by former NSA contractor Edward Snowden – who previously worked for Booz-Allen Hamilton – revealed the zealous scrutiny of private American citizens’ information provided to Israel by the NSA. Experts have pointed out Israeli intelligence agencies are beginning to target intellectuals who question the two nations’ militant right-wing confederacy.

Internet Chronicle anthropologist and Chief Executive of Economic Research Adviser Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour said American university professors recuse themselves from forming a strong opinion because of a combination of factors.

“The omniscient gaze of the NSA and Israel are one reason you don’t want to be caught planning a demonstration against your government,” Troubadour said. “Fear of losing their jobs. Should they become impartial and dare to question Obama’s commitment to transparency, why, a teacher could disappear for that. So they develop a secret respect for television media; a self-reinforced trust of the government.”

Heroin Epidemic Benefits Heroin Users

Jeff Norment loves heroin.

Jeff Norment loves heroin.

RICHMOND, Va. – As state and local police bark outrage into TV cameras about ‘drug abuse’ and ‘urban decay’, lamenting spikes in violent crime, one often-overlooked piece of the picture in the war on drugs is the people actually using drugs.

To people like 27-year-old Jeff Norment, the heroin coming down I-75 from Detroit is “a God-send.” Norment says heroin has improved his life considerably, although his point of view is often brushed aside in favor of order and public safety.

“I was eating 20 and 40 pills a day, you name it, I was doing it,” Norment said, looking real cool. “But it was hell on my liver. But now that I’m on heroin – I’m in Heaven!”

Norment argued that the Richmond media – TV news in particular – does not represent all sides of the story, with a tendency to favor police and marginalize victims.

“Typical TV news story: we went to the Richmond police. We went to the state police,” Norment said. “But they didn’t come a-callin’ for old Jeff, saying, ‘Jeff how you liking them drugs?’ Now how are you gonna call that objective journalism and tell me I’m the bad guy?”

Norment argued that his voice is the missing piece of the story of a so-called ‘heroin epidemic’ in Richmond.

“I smoke crack on the reg. I snort dust on the reg. I shoot heroin on the reg, and you don’t see me committing no crimes. I just like me the rush, is all. And I like to lay here on this sofa playing PlayStation.”

Norment, who lives near the Grace Street Police Station, said police knock on his door almost every day – sometimes looking for suspects – sometimes just to break his balls.

“I know it ain’t good for me,” Norment said, rolling his eyes. “They’re always telling me that.”

Norment said if it weren’t for the police, he would have fewer problems.

“Thanks to heroin,” Norment said, “I’ve dodged a few bullets, both figuratively and literally. Shit, heroin even helps me escape the crushing reality of using heroin.”

28-year-old VCU alum Stephen Ascot says heroin affords him a certain lifestyle. The only difference, Ascot said, is that he is not on heroin.

“My weed dealer across the street gets me what I need, but he doesn’t give me heroin,” Ascot said. “I just know he’s going to be there, because he is on heroin.”

Richmond Police Captain Mike Ebert said drugs might feel good now, but addicts will “be pretty sore” about the crackdown on horse pouring in from Detroit.

“It’s easy to get addicted to the stuff, you just put it in your arm,” Ebert said. “But they’re going to be pretty sore about it when there ain’t no more heroin left for sale on the streets, after they do it all up.”

Ebert said his department is working with state police to set up checkpoints along the I-75 corridor to catch heroin traffickers coming down from the Motor City.

“Of course, the stops are designed to appear random,” he said. “But they’re not. We’ll know who to stop.”

This news is brought to you graciously by Lebal Drocer Pharmaceuticals.

Heroin is SWEET