Chuck in 2012

Killer, presidential candidate Manson, 2009

Charles Manson: due to be released in the year 2012, the world-famous serial killer is up for his twelfth parole hearing on the final notch in the Mayan calendar, and he’s already announced new plans to get an acid-washed desert cult underway in the hope of advancing the great holy war of ideology.

The aging mastermind behind the ‘Helter Skelter’ killings spoke to the press earlier this morning, commenting on the ups and downs of his career turning points. The sexually-powered messiah commented on prior failures, saying “I’d like to see more chainsaws being rammed into peoples’ assholes.” He went on to include a tirade about the Beach Boys and his unrelated involvement with hypnotism and mind control techniques, whose details will not be reported here.

As an order of natural law, Yoko Ono should not have an utterable name. She was instead a device planted by the Manson Family to destroy the morale of the opposing faction of insanity, the other stoned acid culture who are not famous for brutal killings, but instead flower-prints, tie-dye, and being sold in Bob Dylan’s Pepsi commercials.

Japanese people love beetles. Yoko Ono did not love Beatles. Buffalo Wild Wings is having an initiation tonight. Whoever dies in the parking lot wins the store.

Obama promised a new day in US Irania relations. Iran’s nukes will be dealt with through negotiations, because everybody owns nukes anyway so who gives a fuck about controlling them anymore? “If the US will stop meddling in other countries’ affairs, Iran will change.” -Iranian spokesperson. It is already rumored that Iran has figured out a way to use nuclear power to travel back and forth through time, and so went four weeks back in time and then two years into the future and assassinated Barack Obama in the future, by way of the past. He has both already been dead for two years and has been our president for two months.

If Manson is released, he becomes automatically eligible for nomination to presidential candidacy behind whom we can all support monetarily and politically, and interestingly competitive with regards to Sarah Palin and the GOP. Write your local congressman, and tell them to delve into Manson in 2012, for heavily-taxed but outstanding health care, so that we may amend the Constitution to support senseless killing and talk about the good old days of murder, when it was available only on the black market. Those were the days. Let Manson take you back to the past, in the future!

Reporting live from inside Gaia Online

Gaia is great because it is full of people who just can’t seem to get a grip on real life at all. With all its fantasy role-playing, cliquishness, inside jokes, and the unending affection of total strangers, it is a welcome hideout for the socially awkward to escape to. It’s also a place, however, that some must inevitably escape from.

Gaia has its own economy, its own government, its own society, subcultures, and religion. It has all the inclinations of our modern-day, real-life architecture, but it exists entirely within a digital computer world in which everyone is rewarded for their contributions and participation. While this appeals to the same gear of human nature which likes videogames and play-until-you-win reward systems, some people replace real-life interaction with this alternative reality in which everyone can be a winner all the time. And because this is the new reality that replaced the old one, in which we used to have to be there for our friends and communicate with them and be good to them, help them out with their issues, and so on, its lack of social challenge perverts these users’ concept of what meaningful social interaction is, because there is no real basis for friendship anymore. You can now make friends by looking at their profile, making a comment about it, and then sending a friend request. This is easy to do and anybody can have thousands of digital friends and still speak to just a couple of people every day. So then social interactions start to mutate, and we begin replacing one emotion with another. Because a friend’s enthusiastic laughter no longer accompanies every interaction, we begin replacing one genuine emotion – happiness – with others: attachment, intimacy, joy from acceptance, and from sharing secrets or an experience unique to this kind of existence.

Just today I discovered two people playing out this weird mommy/daughter role-play fantasy routine where the daughter keeps asking mommy if she loves her enough, and taking issue with the fact that she is never there.

thx i just fekt out because u where never on and u where on when i was not V_V but now its ok ^_^

^in response to the following:

OK…I just want you to know that NO MATTER WHAT I am your friend/mom! ^_^ So I need to tell you that this weekend I won’t be on because I am going to my fiancee’s mom’s house and she doesn’t have interwebz…. crying BUT I will get on asap! ^_^ How are you doing??

The posts are being deleted every day or two, probably because the daughter doesn’t want the outside world to see what she has been doing with her internet time, especially not real mommy and daddy.


You see, this is just the hilarious tip of the iceberg. Between exaggerated realities like the example you see here, and the kid who posts in the non fiction arena about his dad beating him and his sister with a thirty foot extension cord, you have a bell curve of people who talk about goths, and how they aren’t goths, “emos”, their avatars, vampires, people who are vampires, people who love vampires, and people who wish they were vampires so they make vampire avatars.

You will find people who have absolutely no bearing on the art community, but post as feverishly as though there was a little publisher standing behind them, yelling, “Churn out more material! The kiln of the entire artistic community simply will not fire without your input! We need more shit faster!” And they don’t care that shitting out some half-assed blurry snapshot of their cat isn’t considered art, because to them, it IS art just so long as they have some bullshit reason to contrive and justify its submission to the corporate-owned art community they wish to be a part of.

As you have already figured out for yourselves, this is a website by adults, for kids. It purports to support creativity and self-development by selling fake, digital garments and accessories, backed by MTV/Viacom finance and style-marketing keywords, which can be bought with the fictitious gold either purchased with a parent’s credit-card or “earned” through the submission (spamming) of a picture of one’s eyeball, or a drawing of their own avatars, or copying-and-pasting Wikipedia entries (a known source of bullshit). Like real-life rap music and Britney Spears from the year 2000, people are now digitizing an existence in which they make art for Pepsi commercials and help to propagate the style and standard set by the “manufacturer of cool” where ten-year-old styles and attitudes that, in the circles that once pioneered them, stagnated within months of their inceptions but carry on through marketing, online advertising and PR. Subversive cultural dynamics submitted by the undercover hired geeks of Viacom keep the tensions alive and convince children that signing their identities away to a multinational corporation is how to rebel against mom and dad, and their vicious ADD medications. Paid strangers keep this shit alive, not regular people. MTV’s future and their ability to control ours depends on it.
We will see you next Friday when local media mogul Billy B will present his continuing investigation into the world’s most unprecedented cheapening of everyday reality. He’s looking into the bastardization of artistic standards and practices in their entirety as part of his investigation into the seedy microcosm mocking our very existence in all its capacity to do so by using us against our nonintellectual selves. We’ll report to you next week from inside the hellish introspective reality of Gaia Online.

This is all we are, in a nutshell, and all we’ll ever be. Tune out, jack in.

Surfin’ USA

Our right to privacy extends only as far as our ability to protect it since technological advancement and the government have joined hands against us. The right to privacy will be as void for humanity as the right to a fair trial was to the Guantanamo Bay detainees. We’re basically doomed to an existence carried out under the filtration of the all-seeing eyes behind the various agencies every ISP node is fed into via the NSA supercomputer. All information is monitored, all the time, regardless of how you choose to protect your ‘physical data’. This is not just possible. It is more than probable, considering the unsupervised structure of our the internet everyone knows and understands (or doesn’t understand) today. No one escapes it

Until now!

Now introducing, from ElfWax Research & Labratories, the Modern-Day Information Doomwave SURFIN’ SET!

Our set includes:

  • -1 supersurfin’ keyboard that uses lasers instead of keys. Now you can surf the net like the 1337 hack proz0r5 do – with an unwarranted sense of entitlement. Act as though you’re experienced by dealing with something sensitive like key information by using equipment which can’t be fingerprinted. Catch the wave AND get away with it!*
  • -A Hand-Held Hate Speaker with a backlit clock. This 4-inch radio is armed with 400+ hours of recorded religious lecture by various extremist groups and terrorits. Also, hear the Beach Boys as you’ve never heard them before!
  • -1 vacuum-packed hard drive containing a super computer virus that actually turns your computer’s insides into liquid shit. Using TNTech brand research and advancements in pyrotechnics technology, you can ensure that all data within a 24-block radius is destroyed permanently with a high-profile electromagnetic pulse emitted by forcing a power surge through your home’s own electrical system.**
  • -A single-use flash-drive bullet which can be safely (but assertively) put to your throat and discharged using a GUI (graphical user interface) to send a digital signal to the USB drive, which plunges the hot metal deep into your brain stem. When uncle sam is listening to your muffled cries through your LAN connection AND from outside the door to your back porch, let them know you just went out in style, the American way!***

*You will not get away with it
**subsequent chemotherapy bills are the sole responsibility of the consumer, but it doesn’t matter anyway because your ass belongs to Uncle Sam (oh shit they control the after-life, too!) now get down on your knees and pray for the Sun God to blow up the Sun.
***All of our bullets are made in China and may not contain actual lead or any other hard material, and may dissolve in humidity, becoming a mild toxin poisonous to infants.

Surfin' USA

Our right to privacy extends only as far as our ability to protect it since technological advancement and the government have joined hands against us. The right to privacy will be as void for humanity as the right to a fair trial was to the Guantanamo Bay detainees. We’re basically doomed to an existence carried out under the filtration of the all-seeing eyes behind the various agencies every ISP node is fed into via the NSA supercomputer. All information is monitored, all the time, regardless of how you choose to protect your ‘physical data’. This is not just possible. It is more than probable, considering the unsupervised structure of our the internet everyone knows and understands (or doesn’t understand) today. No one escapes it

Until now!

Now introducing, from ElfWax Research & Labratories, the Modern-Day Information Doomwave SURFIN’ SET!

Our set includes:

  • -1 supersurfin’ keyboard that uses lasers instead of keys. Now you can surf the net like the 1337 hack proz0r5 do – with an unwarranted sense of entitlement. Act as though you’re experienced by dealing with something sensitive like key information by using equipment which can’t be fingerprinted. Catch the wave AND get away with it!*
  • -A Hand-Held Hate Speaker with a backlit clock. This 4-inch radio is armed with 400+ hours of recorded religious lecture by various extremist groups and terrorits. Also, hear the Beach Boys as you’ve never heard them before!
  • -1 vacuum-packed hard drive containing a super computer virus that actually turns your computer’s insides into liquid shit. Using TNTech brand research and advancements in pyrotechnics technology, you can ensure that all data within a 24-block radius is destroyed permanently with a high-profile electromagnetic pulse emitted by forcing a power surge through your home’s own electrical system.**
  • -A single-use flash-drive bullet which can be safely (but assertively) put to your throat and discharged using a GUI (graphical user interface) to send a digital signal to the USB drive, which plunges the hot metal deep into your brain stem. When uncle sam is listening to your muffled cries through your LAN connection AND from outside the door to your back porch, let them know you just went out in style, the American way!***

*You will not get away with it
**subsequent chemotherapy bills are the sole responsibility of the consumer, but it doesn’t matter anyway because your ass belongs to Uncle Sam (oh shit they control the after-life, too!) now get down on your knees and pray for the Sun God to blow up the Sun.
***All of our bullets are made in China and may not contain actual lead or any other hard material, and may dissolve in humidity, becoming a mild toxin poisonous to infants.

Snitch Ass Cops Bust Marijuana Martyrs

WILMINGTON–Several college students at UNCW were arrested for doing some things that don’t even exist, that is, ‘intent to manufacture marijuana.’ Police Chief Entirely Fictional explained, “They were trying to assemble all these amino acids, cellulose, and water, trying to recreate marijuana from the ground up. Of course, this is entirely impossible and illegal.” He went on to tell reporters at The EWT that they will be slapped across the wrists by public officials, figuratively, and then crucified by community service. The community is busy congratulating itself on how great it is.

Every student who bought marijuana from these kids benefited in mind and body by choosing not to wreck their brain, their memory, their liver, and their entire digestive system with a case of cheap beer. Instead, they took one puff of the good stuff and ate some Flaming Amy’s. Undercover Officer Rick Deckard said “Every time I bust a stoner, I tell myself, ‘they’re just androids,’ but I know they really contain a conscious mind, albeit different from my own.” Of course, since Rick is just a character from Blade Runner, all undercover cops who made a buck off of marijuana are no better than the students involved.

UNCW remains a campus full of mostly-drunken raving morons who are glad to see the harmless punished because of minor disagreements about recreational drug use. The state attorney’s office has issued marijuana possession charges to all people stating an opposing position because that is enough evidence. All such cases are already closed, defendants guilty, and Sheriffs busy collecting the convicts.

AREA PESSIMIST SPEAKS OUT AGAINST MAIN MAN, CANDY LAND

More on this story as it develops.

That’s just like the 9/11 of…

The following is a list of the most awesome uses of the simile this article gets its title from. Also, everyone’s favorite tragedy, except for Cole Hogan. A bad week in Queercasting, or Heath Ledger’s death? That’s practically 9/11, ‘dude.’ Look at the animation to the left carefully if you don’t understand.

 

“That cockpit eject shit is crazed. It’s like the 9/11 of explosions, with less laughs.” – Wayne Moss.

  1. Jewish Lesbian Podcaster: Just this week was the 9/11 of podcasting? I wonder why the fact that no one listened to you is so tragic that it must have something to do with 9/11? I look at it the opposite way. She is obviously a part of the faked WTC attacks. Jewish Homosexual agenda conspiracy theorists ya fuckin dropped the ball on this one, eh?
  2. Idiotic Lobotomy Patient: Oh wait, this is a 29 year old attorney, had me fooled. The quilts are nice, but you know, this just goes to show you how smart your average college educated suit is. I could have her blog wrong, but the excerpt clearly reads verbatim: “not the OMG heath ledger died what a hunk kind but the more like the 9-11 of OMG anyone can die at anytime sort of panic attack?” I know Heath Ledgers death really made me think of 9/11. What does she care? Her favorite movies are “Easter 86″ and “Prom 95.” I don’t think Heath Ledger were in those ones, but I can’t find them on IMDB.
  3. Tori Spelling Has a Disastrously Tragic Photo Set: This one might approach the ugliness of 9/11, minus the gore, death, fear, and rivers of Asbestos dust flowing through the streets of New York. She’s wearing a nice army uniform, so hey, fuck her support for our boys. She’s ugly, she’s like, so 9/11. I answer this with the usual WHO THE FUCK CARES ANYWAY? You’re not funny for bringing up 9/11 to bring down someone no one cares about. For the record I don’t know who she is or why she is famous, and couldn’t fucking care less, she is an ugly hound-wench dressed looking like a soldier in drag. Hey, wait, did i just come up with a better insult than the most overused simile permeating the Internet? LOL 9/11 LOLOCAUST!
  4. Sports Writer Invokes 9/11: So an NBA player freaks out on the crowd. Someone compares it to 9/11 and guess what, it ends up in my hometown newspaper! You know what… Reading it over again, that really does remind me of 9/11. There really is a crisis in sports and sportsmanship today. We should declare a war on it, and use it as reason to invade North Korea. It’d make as much sense.

So to recap, being ignored, celebrity death, celebrity ugliness, and unsportsmanlike conduct in the NBA: 9/11. 9/11…eh, that’s like a small VT Massacre.

That's just like the 9/11 of…

The following is a list of the most awesome uses of the simile this article gets its title from. Also, everyone’s favorite tragedy, except for Cole Hogan. A bad week in Queercasting, or Heath Ledger’s death? That’s practically 9/11, ‘dude.’ Look at the animation to the left carefully if you don’t understand.

 

“That cockpit eject shit is crazed. It’s like the 9/11 of explosions, with less laughs.” – Wayne Moss.

  1. Jewish Lesbian Podcaster: Just this week was the 9/11 of podcasting? I wonder why the fact that no one listened to you is so tragic that it must have something to do with 9/11? I look at it the opposite way. She is obviously a part of the faked WTC attacks. Jewish Homosexual agenda conspiracy theorists ya fuckin dropped the ball on this one, eh?
  2. Idiotic Lobotomy Patient: Oh wait, this is a 29 year old attorney, had me fooled. The quilts are nice, but you know, this just goes to show you how smart your average college educated suit is. I could have her blog wrong, but the excerpt clearly reads verbatim: “not the OMG heath ledger died what a hunk kind but the more like the 9-11 of OMG anyone can die at anytime sort of panic attack?” I know Heath Ledgers death really made me think of 9/11. What does she care? Her favorite movies are “Easter 86″ and “Prom 95.” I don’t think Heath Ledger were in those ones, but I can’t find them on IMDB.
  3. Tori Spelling Has a Disastrously Tragic Photo Set: This one might approach the ugliness of 9/11, minus the gore, death, fear, and rivers of Asbestos dust flowing through the streets of New York. She’s wearing a nice army uniform, so hey, fuck her support for our boys. She’s ugly, she’s like, so 9/11. I answer this with the usual WHO THE FUCK CARES ANYWAY? You’re not funny for bringing up 9/11 to bring down someone no one cares about. For the record I don’t know who she is or why she is famous, and couldn’t fucking care less, she is an ugly hound-wench dressed looking like a soldier in drag. Hey, wait, did i just come up with a better insult than the most overused simile permeating the Internet? LOL 9/11 LOLOCAUST!
  4. Sports Writer Invokes 9/11: So an NBA player freaks out on the crowd. Someone compares it to 9/11 and guess what, it ends up in my hometown newspaper! You know what… Reading it over again, that really does remind me of 9/11. There really is a crisis in sports and sportsmanship today. We should declare a war on it, and use it as reason to invade North Korea. It’d make as much sense.

So to recap, being ignored, celebrity death, celebrity ugliness, and unsportsmanlike conduct in the NBA: 9/11. 9/11…eh, that’s like a small VT Massacre.

Tragedyriffic!

WARNING: Parental Discretion IS ADVISED. THE FOLLOWING IS EXTREMELY INSENSITIVE AND SHOULD NOT BE VIEWED BY ANYONE, EVER. Original Tragedy graphic is Copywright Cole Hogan, 2006. Modified graphic and animation are copyright Jesus Hubert Christ, 12 AD.
(So that’s what that H stands for!)

April 17th:
that little bastard bought guns from my home town…….Cavalier, Tarheel, Captian, Turpin…..we all gotta little hokie in us this right now.”if cops eat bacon is it considered canabalism?”

If cops got to the scene of the Virginia Tech massacre and ate all the dead corpses, is it considered ‘canabalism’? NO! There’s no such thing as ‘canabalism’.

April 18th:
gone to bed, pray for our hokies, pray that is well, and pray to god that cho’s rotting in hell……….yes I meant for that to rhyme.”if cops eat bacon is it considered canabalism?”

My favorite line in that wonderful poem is “Pray that is well.”

April 19th:
for all my fellow captains, I have a new profile image on facebook that contains captain chris and the hokie bird, I”m hoping it will catch on. If you want the original jpeg to upload to your own profile, email me and I will glad you send a copy.”if cops eat bacon is it considered canabalism?”

Wanna see it? Tragilicious!

“If cops ate bacon…” remained at the end of every single one of Cole’s away messages from March 4th to October 14th, a total of 7 months and 10 days. The precise amount of time that that joke is still funny. What a great joke.