MOSCOW – In a sweaty interview with the infamous cyberterrorist Edward Snowden, darling satirist John Oliver refused to let Snowden iterate his basic technological explanation of how domestic spy programs, such as PRISM, violate the US Constitution. Instead, Oliver continuously interrupted Snowden, denying Americans’ ability to interpret the dialog for themselves, and said the interview MUST focus on “dick pics” in order to maintain public interest.
Oliver felt the already limited segment would not infantilize the popular mind enough, so at various points in the interview, Oliver pulls out his slick new Macbook Pro with retina display, puts it in his lap, and points it toward Snowden, directing him – like a child – to watch a selection of clips of Americans who do not know who he is.
The transition from Snowden’s linear explanation of the PRISM domestic spying program was executed about as awkwardly as Nguyễn Ngọc Loan.
With each attempt to carry out the 18-month old, ongoing conversation about the offensive and intrusive nature of domestic spying – a feature of totalitarianism that exceeds even the worst Orwellian nightmare scenario, and has colossal implications on global markets and trade, as well as negatively affecting every tier of government from global to town-level – Oliver said, “No, no. We are talking about dick pics because that is all my dipshit audience cares about: Their sweaty, hairy schlongs.” He diverted the conversation from the Snowden cult of personality only to bring it all back to dick pics, before ending the interview with the centuries-old jokes, “Now I’m on some kind of list,” to which Snowden calmly – and after forced laughter – replied, “You’re associated.”
In Brooklyn, a group of artists who understand art but nothing of subtlety, put up a Snowden statue. A day later, when one of them said, “Look what I did, everyone!” the statue is now hilarironicallously covered by a blue tarp.
This is what you get for bragging about your stupid art, you stupid fucks.
BRB: exercising my civil rights to photograph dick pics and transfer ownership to Mark Zuckerberg, as per Facebook Terms of Service.
This message is brought to you proudly by Lebal Drocer, Inc. If you are reading this message, we own your eyes.
‘Woman 3’ tries to fight off her attacker, Joe Biden, in this disturbing 2014 photograph.
The Vice President is at it again. Joe Biden, who recently appeared in a video whispering sinister, cryptic messages into a young girl’s ear, faces new allegations from an unnamed group of 26 women who are breaking some 15 years of silence to accused the vice president of inappropriate conduct over several years leading up to the Barack Obama presidency.
The women, whose names will remain Anonymous, describe an alarming pattern of sexually abusive behavior from some of the highest-ranked members of government, including Biden.
“He made me drinks from his own cabinet,” one woman said. “He told me he could make me a star. But it turned out he wasn’t even in show business!”
Another woman said Biden forcibly penetrated her with a beer bottle. She said other political celebrities such as Janet Reno, Ken Starr, and even the president – if they had any conscience at all – could corroborate her story, should they confirm the allegations.
Biden could not be reached for comment. The disturbing video can be seen here (**TRIGGER WARNING**). Notice how the girl turns pale as Biden’s forked tongue tickles her sensitive, young ear:
As Vice President Joe Biden watches his political career slip the way of former VP Dick Cheney, he said he is prepared to do “anything” to shock the public into voting for him.
“It’s always Barry, Barry, Barry,” a lizard-like Biden told the packed West Wing of the White House on Monday. “I exist, too, damn it. I may not have the authority to launch a drone strike against innocent targets, but I’m just about ready to shoot a man in the face.”
The distressed Biden referred to Cheney’s 2007 hunting accident, in which the former vice president shot a man in the face, sending a powerful warning to Iran.
Biden said the trouble in which his frisky hands have landed him is tarnishing his golden aura, the winds of his otherwise predetermined 2016 presidency.
“So I touched them girls,” Biden said. “It’s not like I raped them, on camera, and distributed the video through the military TOR program. Stay tuned for that.”
Biden said since the death of Margaret Thatcher, he is having trouble finding a distributor for his illegal pornographic materials, and is currently exploring the self publishing world of TOR.
GALLERY – NONNUDE BIDEN SEX GALLERY PREVIEW
‘Woman 3’ tries to fight off her attacker, Joe Biden, in this disturbing 2014 photograph.
WASHINGTON, D.C. – Donald Trump says “No way” Bush or Romney could win in 2016. Hillary Clinton says she’s already purchased the job. But none of that matters to would-be presidential candidate Mitt Romney, who has informally announced to his staff he will step down from the 2016 presidential candidacy, one of his campaigners said Sunday. The 67-year-old businessman has decided to back out of the race because Americans “simply weren’t twisted enough” to elect a Mormon president.
Dr. Joseph Smith, Jr., who campaigned for more than 20 years with the former Mass. governor, said Romney intends to pursue a number of young women in his convent.
“Mitt has always struggled with his Mormonism,” Smith said. “After he realized Americans weren’t comfortable normalizing statutory rape – openly comfortable with it, anyway – he said presidency wasn’t for him.”
Although he narrowly lost a presidential campaign in 2012 to Ayatollah Hussein, Romney’s wealth quintupled after the elections, garnering the politician unspeakable social and religious power. Connections to the royal family have granted him unprecedented access to child sex slaves in England, and Mormon church leaders in America have turned their prayers to a higher power: Fervent pledges to the health and well-being of Mitt Romney are often accompanied by tithes of gold bullion, property, and even people.
“Mitt Romney wasn’t lying in 2012 when he said he has ‘binders full of women,'” Smith said. “He owns people. The reason I speak to your fine publication today is because I haven’t seen my daughter in 3 years, and I just learned she is scheduled to appear in a mass-wedding ceremony next month, to be married off to Romney. Considering she’s just 10 years old, I am starting to wonder if Mitt Romney’s power has gone to his head.”
The Police State in Roanoke, Va. publicly executed five men in front of the Roanoke Star Tuesday because their wives were not wearing appropriate Islamic head covering, according to American media sources.
The jihadi group’s Roanoke Police Department, or the Hisbah, the individuals entrusted with enforcing their version of American Hate Law are ordering women to wear Afghan-inspired hijab, where the entire face is covered.
Roanoke Chief of Police said face coverings which expose the eyes promote rape and social impurity.
“Everything they were wearing was fine,” the chief said, “except for a slutty, filthy slit where the eyes go. Sharia law is now active in Roanoke County.”
Kanye West: “SIRS Navigation doesn’t care about anybody whose families and reputations they hurt when that needle lands on them.”
Copyright law faces a new challenge after rap artist Kanye West™ announced his intentions Wednesday to open up a “reverse” class action lawsuit against SIRS Navigation, and other companies for illegally using his name without permission.
“I didn’t ask to be born with this name,” West said. “But I won’t be bullied around by these faceless instrument manufacturers anymore.”
West said he is not the only person whose rights were infringed upon.
“Anyone bearing the surname of a cardinal direction is invited to follow suit,” he said. “I’m looking at you, Peter North.”
If the West court battle goes as planned, experts confirmed it will be the first time an individual has simultaneously squared off against the veteran legal teams of three corporations, all leaders in their fields.
“It’s a reverse class action,” West said. “SIRS Navigation doesn’t care about anybody whose families and reputations they hurt when the needle lands on them. That is why I’m suing literally everybody who ever slapped my name on a product.”
West and his attorney Jeremy Matthews said the lawsuit is also aimed at Global Sources and Kasper and Richter, as well as several small Swiss instrument makers.
West said he would like to see SIRS Navigation go in the ‘right direction’ by adding a small trademark symbol (™) or the letters TM after each iteration of his name, as in the case of the large capital W appearing on most compasses.
Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour, Professor of Law at MIT, called the charges “unprecedented,” adding that he has never seen anything like it in the 45 years he has studied and practiced law.
“When something like this crosses my desk, I just shake my head in wonder,” Troubadour said. “I’m consistently amazed at my country’s capacity for justice. Kanye will have his day, yet. Just wait.”
Matthews said charges will be formally filed by the end of the end of the week, at which time a press conference will be organized in front of his Hidden Hills mansion, which he shares with his Kim Kardashian in California.
Suck our hammer and sickle, baby, we’re on the right side of history.
HAMBURG, Germany — While the world watched in amazement at the “Hell-in-a-cell” twitter-war between bitter rivals The Tor Project and Pando Daily, a humble researcher named Jacob Appelbalm gave a presentation at the Chaos Computer Clubs’ 31st Congressional hearing, in which the following years Internet agenda was drafted. Appelbalm, most known for his truly original and extraordinary MD5 hash-collision research and his Tor outreach, gave a rousing speech to a crowd of hackers being sslstripped. While Appelbalm and his colleagues work closely with Der Spielgel newspaper in Germany, which is world famous for dropping doxx on the NSA, he pivoted from his usual pandering and pointed to a new enemy within: the Glorious and Infallible Internet Chronicle.
Furious that he didn’t get exclusive Snowden deetz that the Internet Chronicle got, Jacob derided the news outlets ethics saying “The Internet Chronicle pretty much lets anything pass as journalism these days, it’s like they just type shit, don’t redact, don’t hold back documents for 3 years and just don’t give a damn if an article shits the closet.” The crowd cheered as the charismatic man on stage urinated in their ears, “These are the kind of people that I would ass-fuck with a chainsaw.”
Relenting for a moment as the crowds’ tears of joyous manipulation diminished into simpering sobs, he continued “However, from documents that have been gleaned over with a fine tooth comb by everyone here in Germany, it is unfortunate to note that the Internet Chronicleis a real site.” After a few minutes of diddling with his Mac, a slide appeared with a screenshot of http://www.scamadviser.com/is-chronicle.su-a-fake-site.html revealing our trustworthiness.
In closing, Appelbalm rabbled the crowd once again with images of revolution, stating: “These are just the times we live in, we’re going to have to accept the fact that our block-lists will be long and sycophants wide. That’s just the way the Berlin Wall crumbles, y’all.”
The subject of Gavin McInnes being fired from the news outlet he created because of a piece he wrote was brought to my attention today through Justine Tunney’s article “In Defense of Gavin McInnes“. As a transwoman myself, I completely identify with Tunney’s words, however unpopular they may be. Not because I’m transgendered, but simply because she’s right. She speaks of freedom of expression and press, and as a journalist it frightens me that we can be torn from our own publication, have our families targeted and threatened with financial ruin by a mob of hysterical speech-hating cretins, simply for the words we write.
The public forums with integrated up/down-voting mechanisms for discussion, such as reddit, showed a rise in the idea that you could lessen the value of speech with the press of a button, not because it was wrong or because you rebutted with a superior counter-argument, rather because you just don’t like what you’re reading. It’s this mentality that has seeped into the minds of most people using the Internet, and it’s truly a testament to a willing erosion of our rights to express ourselves. When it becomes not about discussion, dialogue and diversity of opinion, but instead about censoring what we don’t agree with(along with trying to destroy the other persons life), we have truly lost our way.
I was featured in an article in VICE about a trolling organization I was a part of, known as the Rustle League. In the article I openly support the Westboro Baptist Church, not because I agree with them, but because they are one of the final bastions of freedom of speech in America and I will defend, to my death, their right to protest as many fags as they want. I also received threats because of that article.
Before that, I was included on an Australian television show about Internet trolling, where I was portrayed as the devil incarnate as a crowd of onlookers passed judgement before the show had even begun, not for what I said or had said, but because it could be said. The following week, I did an interview as a companion piece to the airing of the television show and the amount of vitriol spewed toward me in the comment section far exceeded anything I have ever said or done, but God bless them for saying it. It’s unfortunate the website had to close the comments section down because of the influx of troll-hating trolls being trolled into trolling, it made for quality trolling.
My tenure on the Internet spans from the mid-nineties to present and the amount of hatred directed towards me in a week is more than some people get in a lifetime. Does it bother me? No. Why? Because we all have a right to our opinions. What does bother me, however, is how quickly people will be there to try to take that right away and most of all, how successful they are.
It is one thing to know government officials are corrupt. Meeting the indecency face-to-face, however, is another story.
Mike Webert is a white collar criminal-in-training who paid his freshman dues to the power structure, attempting to legislate extra money and power to police forces near you.
The neoliberal hate machine known as “The Virginia Way” is far more gruesome than newspapers can tell – or are willing to tell – and this spring I was fortunate enough to learn firsthand just what a nightmare we live in. It was a good experience, but I had anxiety attacks on a near-daily basis.
What I could not articulate at the time is why I thought a “bad” experience was a good thing. Since I believe in myself and the content of my work, I was never so happy to have a story as I was disillusioned by the facts I reported. But I realized that even though I cherish the experience, I never came back from the capitol with a smile on my face, because what I saw there was truly horrific.
I never thought to myself, “That was nice,” or, “That went well.” Each day shocked or disturbed me in new ways. Politicians accept money directly from contractors, for example, to vote on initiatives that put those contractors to work rather than opening jobs up to bidding. And if the rally against Medicaid expansion wasn’t an attack on the working class, then neither was Jim Crow.
I often paced the floors wondering how to communicate basic legislation in the context of Virginia’s descent into hyperlibertarianism.
It was my job to report what I heard and saw, but many times I could not put even the most basic practices into words. The question of ‘why’ was always answered with money, but whose money? The real story felt like it was hidden beneath layers of intentionally misleading arguments, a deceptive smile, or the tone of voice rather than the empty words themselves.
As I continue to follow the money into my own arranged accident, I am still connecting evidence. But the best example of money in politics at the literal level, when dealing with public servants, is the story of a fellow CNS reporter once waited patiently outside of a delegate’s office.
He is an enthusiastic journalist willing to do whatever it takes to get an answer, so when a legislative aide told him his source might be available sometime between the morning and lunch, he decided to wait for that opportunity. With a pen and paper in his lap, he waited for hours.
Legislative aides are people in the capitol building who manage a legislator’s public image, send emails and schedule appointments. They are known to sometimes offer vague details about a politician’s whereabouts or activity. It is a game of their own, and aides control access to our elected officials.
He waited a long time. During his third hour of waiting for a chance to interview the representative, a small group of lobbyists appeared with flowers and gift baskets of fruit, cheeses and dried meats.
“We come bearing gifts!” the female announced, holding up a gift basket with a smile.
“Well, hello!” replied the aide, taking the flowers and displaying them on her desk. “Please, come on in!”
The group strode by as my reporter continued to wait. They disappeared into their mutual representative’s office and closed the door.
If ever a politician was honest, it was a notoriously hateful Manassas Tea Party Republican named Bob Marshall who said Gov. Terry McAuliffe’s executive order – to limit the amount of gifts politicians may legally receive – pushes corruption underground. They still accept blood money; they just don’t publish it on their website.
What nobody will say, however, is why publishing gifts in any amount does little more than add insult to injury upon our political system: when you can purchase a public policy vote, and list the going rate.
“Corporations have money on both sides of the ball. If you still think it’s an issue of liberals vs. conservatives, then you still believe in Santa Claus.” – Bill Burr
A mob of civil rights activists could change the way a bill becomes law Friday by repetitively chanting slogans.
If enough protesters chant “Nobama,” a key piece of legislation is likely to bypass Congressional oversight to become the first law in American history to be introduced by mob rule.
The Washington Bull Party will combine hateful Tea Party slogans with stubborn resolve to collapse the free market and shut down American ports, Bull Party Leader Jamie Jo Corne said in a YouTube video.
“I’m going to Washington, and I’m going to fuckin’ throw my sign in their FACE,” Corne said. “I want them fuckin’ ports closed down. You wanna hurt ’em? Go for their god damn jugular. Don’t bitch kick ’em.”
Corne accused viewers of being “pussified non-Americans” and said they are just as bad as those illegal immigrants taking over the United States, raping citizens.
Also called the “American Spring,” event planners said the demonstration is going to be a real barn-burner. If laws change at the whim of mob rule, then America will take one giant leap toward a greater Democracy.