Jack Kevorkian was a pretty cool guy. eh kills patients and doesn’t afraid of anything.
Has the daily grind got you contemplating suicide? At Lebal Drocer Laboratories is leading the way in assisted suicide thanks to groundbreaking new research by Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour and his magnificent staff of scientists, scholars and lobbyists. Using state-of-the-art techniques, Troubadour and his team were able to isolate literally thousands of variables that could aide in assisted suicide.
Starting with an intravenous injection of TerrorMax, a Lebal Drocer product, a team of real doctors will carefully consider all the stupid bullshit challenging you as you play out your pointless, insignificant life. A decision to go through with the suicide is almost always reached within your first visit to our facility, and we have top-notch lawyers to make sure of it. Live every day like it’s your last, at Lebal Drocer Laboratories!
“We wanted to give people a choice in how they die,” Dr. Troubadour said in a press release, our only source in this story. “Fondly I remember how Jack Kevorkian would kill his patients with ease and a sense of duty. Back then, it was manly to kill yourself. Hemingway did it. We knew we could deliver that. At Lebal Drocer Labs, people can become a larger-than-life martyr in their own self-image, joining the ranks of heroic men like Kurt Cobain and Michael Hastings.
Scientists at Lebal Drocer Laboratories declined giving a fuck during an official press conference.
The American magazine Foreign Policy disclosed shortly ago that a Lebal Drocer soldier who mercilessly killed 16 innocent civilians in Roanoke, Virginia – including women and children – was prone to abusing the reality-altering designer drug TerrorBloc. TerrorBloc, or ‘TB’, is a cheap TerrorMax alternative synthesized by a dangerous offshoot of Lebal Drocer Pharmaceuticals, whose labs operate deep beneath the earth.
For some time, friends and family said, the Lebal Drocer Agent was addicted to alcohol and marijuana before graduating to TerrorBloc, a drug so maddening reports estimate it has caused some 45,000 deaths this year alone.
The new report, put out by the rebel group People’s Army of Lebal Drocer, sheds light on nefarious activities by the Real Lebal Drocer, a subsidiary of Lebal Drocer, Inc. The report shows Lebal Drocer “deliberately” hurled drugs and alcohol into the population without regard for human life or happiness, killing people just for profit.
A United Nations Human Rights spokesperson said 31 nations around the world are organized to take action against the multinational conglomerate and author of the Trans-Pacific Partnership, promising to “push Lebal Drocer out of this century.”
Lebal Drocer’s atrocities have created seven new entries in the Guinness Book of World Records, including setting new records for Most Number of Lives Lost During Single Construction Accident and Highest Stillborn Rate Along a Single Polluted River.
Needless to say, residents of Canada and Mexico are not happy with the current state of natural decline at the hands of Lebal Drocer, Inc.
The company is sending an assigned diplomat who will personally take punishment at the international human rights tribunal in Pyongyang.
This official NASA photograph taken by the Curiosity Rover shows what Dr. Traubedauer says is not a natural phenomenon. | Image Source: NASA
Cape Canaveral, FLA. — NASA scientists are baffled by what they are calling a ‘perfect’ pyramid that appears in a set of photos made public earlier this week.
With conspiracy theories on the rise, it has been difficult to get an official to go on the record. They simply will not risk fanning the flames of what is becoming volatile and histrionic speculation. However, one source at the John F. Kennedy Space Center in Cape Canaveral, Fla. agreed to go on the record to offer some relief from the question on everybody’s minds: What is that pyramid-shaped rock?
Cosmologist Anstrohm H. Traubedauer told The Internet Chronicle that while the photo itself is not conclusive evidence of intelligence life in our solar system, the perfect shape and placement of the stone – which is about the size of a car – are strong indications the pyramid is not merely a geological phenomenon.
“On earth, we commonly find mountains jutting up ‘randomly’ across the terrain, but not without some accompanying signs of subterranean protrusion,” Traubedauer said. “It’s like someone just sort of placed it there.”
Traubedauer said even confirming their findings has been a slog through red tape and security snags.
“I really don’t like to use the word ‘extraterrestrial,’ but myself and my colleagues – including a number of prominent earth scientists and geologists – are able to discern from the photo that there are […] engravings or markings, which almost seem to indicate the structure was machined from a larger stone.”
Dr. Anstrohm H. Traubedauer
Traubedauer said the people overseeing his work are from ‘unnamed’ government agencies and do not explain their presence; however, he said they are ‘deeply interested’ in his team’s findings.
“I don’t know who these men are and frankly, they said I am not even supposed to talk about them to the press,” Traubedauer said. “That is all I can really say without losing my job. I’m sorry.”
You know the routine: Wake up, put on your pants (one leg at a time), brush your teeth and then start the day. But what if you woke up and had no genitals? Such is the story of Lawrence Joyce, woke up on the morning of June 25 without a soul.
Most people wake up with their souls, carry their souls around with them throughout the day (comfortably, in their back pockets), and return home and go to sleep with a soul. So did Lawrence, until this fateful morning. Doctors are stumped as to what could have nerfed the Joyce family continuum, but legal experts are already preparing his defense against Lebal Drocer, Inc., the unsavory corporate entity who spearheaded the TPP Fast Track and is already under fire for the destruction of other “souls.”
His attorneys say Joyce wasn’t happy to wake up without a cock, but were not at liberty to go into details, because they are lawyers.
Lebal Drocer had this to say:
“We didn’t rot your dicks off, you heathens were just playing with it too much!”
Lebal Drocer Public Relations Dept.
Dissident Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour said the probability Lebal Drocer’s new fear miracle drug TerrorMax, which boasts on the box a “new, proprietary formula” is contributing to Lawrence’s loss of cock is “quite high. Stoned, even.”
He said Lawrence could be facing a lifetime of soulless, sexual mediocrity as his ventures are restricted now to anal play.
“Poor old Lawrence is probably just going to have to play with his butthole now, and that’s all the little feller’s got,” Troubadour said, empathetically. “Think about it, you got no soul anymore, and all you’ve got left is to diddle your own asshole. You wouldn’t even want to look at it, because the choice was never yours to start with.”
Troubadour’s veiled sexual phobias came to light really not very long after this latest statement to the press, and are already casting doubts on his ability to self-manage a crippling peer-review scandal that threatens to end his career commentating for The Internet Chronicle.
The Comcast customer service agency Xfinity Force Alpha executes orders to “kill on sight” any civilian who resists their fastest in-home WiFi limited time deal.
A Cuthbert man was shot while resisting summer deals over the weekend. Cellphone video shows Comcast enforcement officials clearly stating the deal was “too good to pass up,” and that doing so would cost him his life. 28-year-old Evan Hernandez walked away from their offer, and that is when agents opened fire, shooting him 6 times in the legs, torso and neck.
Hernandez was first approached by armed Comcast customer service agents after posting a slew of bitter Facebook status updates reading, “Fuck Comcast,” “Comcast is literally Hitler,” and various images of famous dictators captioned, “Comcast representative.”
The fatal meme that got Evan Hernandez killed. | Image Source: Facebook.com
Comcast was careful not to claim ownership of the incident by apologizing, but PR spokespeople did issue a Comcastic, heartfelt apology via Twitter:
We’ll miss you, customer no. 1127-H3-59-98062.
“We gave him every opportunity to stop resisting,” Comcast representative Dave Jericho said. “We said, ‘You can’t say no. Either you take the sports package that’s got 24-hour soccer and get slower Internet, or buy the movie channels and upgrade to 25 Mbps.’ Evan made his bed. Evan can lay in it.”
Hate-riots are brewing across the United States as Comcast customers lash out jealously in hopes of getting an opportunity to sign the deal Hernandez repeatedly turned down starting as far back as 6 weeks ago.
Barrett Brown called the chronicle.su to express his enthusiasm for Weev’s fundraising campaign.
With limited access to Internet, Barrett Brown still gets the news, albeit a little slowly.
“I think what Weev is working toward is really good,” Brown said from his mobile prison cell, an advanced diesel therapy treatment facility. “I saw him on my delayed TV report and I have to say I am proud of him. He’s doing important work and I hope his financial backers fulfill the hedge fund he’s setting up for himself, so he can take care of us all.”
Brown, a pretty good old boy himself, has written hilarious storie for The Onion we have never seen, and boring tirades everyone has seen for Vanity Fair and Vice.
Brown, a passionate blogger at The Internet Chronicle, left the following statement to supporters in his mother’s dishwasher:
Hello, I’m Texas reporter Barrett Brown, and I prefer TerrorMax to AnataBloc any day. It helps me think and raises my awareness. We should look into [TerrorMax].
Barrett “Barry” Brown, Project Persona MGMT
Brown said Weev’s tireless efforts, as well as the consistent and quality work put out by Rachel Haywire, are critical to his personal success and the success and profitability of his entire organization, entitled Project PM.
Brown’s continuing relevance rests squarely on the shoulders of heroes like chronicle.su journalists kilgoar, hatesec, asshurtmacfags and Presstorm alumni.
“Your basic summernazis are part of the socialist threat of the Obama administration and his bottomless thirst for white souls,” Barry passionately dictated from his mobile prison cell. “I have faith in Weev’s ability to contain this threat and use his new money to show people we’re not just a bunch of nazis looking for a keyhole to inject hate into the information security narrative. Like I said, I get my news about 9 months later than everyone else but I really think this is going to pan out. I think Rand Paul has a chance.”
Bieber died on March 7, 2013
A PEW RESEARCH study claiming to be from the future demonstrates a burgeoning reality in which the truth is meaningless and the mind is guided only by the myth of raw instinct.
Your mind is under control by Lebal Drocer, Inc.
The American Union was born on May 22, 2015 – a day that will be burned into the milky eyes of all who regard the birth of this new nation with jealousy in their hearts. The time is upon is.
Chronicle.su can no longer be trusted.
This message brought to you graciously by Lebal Drocer, Inc. We will destroy everything you love.
What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and I’m the top sniper in the entire US armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You’re fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You’re fucking dead, kiddo.
MOSCOW – In a sweaty interview with the infamous cyberterrorist Edward Snowden, darling satirist John Oliver refused to let Snowden iterate his basic technological explanation of how domestic spy programs, such as PRISM, violate the US Constitution. Instead, Oliver continuously interrupted Snowden, denying Americans’ ability to interpret the dialog for themselves, and said the interview MUST focus on “dick pics” in order to maintain public interest.
Oliver felt the already limited segment would not infantilize the popular mind enough, so at various points in the interview, Oliver pulls out his slick new Macbook Pro with retina display, puts it in his lap, and points it toward Snowden, directing him – like a child – to watch a selection of clips of Americans who do not know who he is.
The transition from Snowden’s linear explanation of the PRISM domestic spying program was executed about as awkwardly as Nguyễn Ngọc Loan.
With each attempt to carry out the 18-month old, ongoing conversation about the offensive and intrusive nature of domestic spying – a feature of totalitarianism that exceeds even the worst Orwellian nightmare scenario, and has colossal implications on global markets and trade, as well as negatively affecting every tier of government from global to town-level – Oliver said, “No, no. We are talking about dick pics because that is all my dipshit audience cares about: Their sweaty, hairy schlongs.” He diverted the conversation from the Snowden cult of personality only to bring it all back to dick pics, before ending the interview with the centuries-old jokes, “Now I’m on some kind of list,” to which Snowden calmly – and after forced laughter – replied, “You’re associated.”
In Brooklyn, a group of artists who understand art but nothing of subtlety, put up a Snowden statue. A day later, when one of them said, “Look what I did, everyone!” the statue is now hilarironicallously covered by a blue tarp.
This is what you get for bragging about your stupid art, you stupid fucks.
BRB: exercising my civil rights to photograph dick pics and transfer ownership to Mark Zuckerberg, as per Facebook Terms of Service.
This message is brought to you proudly by Lebal Drocer, Inc. If you are reading this message, we own your eyes.
Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour’s latest book, Troll Medicine, is under scrutiny amid yet another media-invented ‘peer-review scandal.’
What might normally constitute a paralyzing blow to an independent doctor’s career did not move Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour, whose wealthy financiers include none other than Lebal Drocer Pharmaceuticals, the powerful medicine firm that allegedly paid the journal Nature to introduce the untested “miracle drug” TerrorMax™ to an unassuming and naive readership of scientists and medical scholars.
Court records show Troubadour faked more than 33 “peer reviews” forcing The Internet Chronicle to revoke several articles referencing him. To be clear, all of Dr. Truebadour’s articles that are factual and accurate remain published under his pseudonym, Troubedaur.
Dr. Troubedauer said after the witch hunt dies down, he plans to go on vacation in the beautiful former bomb testing site, the beautiful Nye County, Nv.
“After they quit trying to figure out ‘who’s a real doctor and who’s a fake’ – nonsense, if you ask me – I aim to go out West and prove radiation poisoning is a myth,” Troubedoure said. “I think it is a shame these fake reports came to light. People need to be more careful, like Monsanto. Now there’s a company with its priorities in order.”
Recreational Drug Advice from real doctor, Angstrom H. Troubedaur
Peer-Reviewed TerrorMax Journal Entry cleared for publication, Troubadour acquitted of fraud