Agents of entropy, black holes are real and they are all around you
You say cheese and the camera steals your soul. What a smile! How many pictures of you are out there, capturing that magical moment when you pretended to be happy on command? What a smile. Such a warm memory. Relive it, exactly as it happened, alongside 999 photographs – all of them magical – from the same evening.
With a swipe of the finger, you’ll rip through a hundred without blinking as the night cascades up and down a smartphone. And wherever it stops, you’ll think to yourself, “Damn, what a smile.”
The lensing maw rearranges the lines of your face into a glowing stream of atoms, the light of which is suspended for eternity on the boundary of an event horizon. An illusory glow, the core of each galaxy swallows light but leaves the casings for astronomers to peer out in wonder.
“What a smile,” the photographer dispassionately exclaims as he folds spacetime, hilariously, first into a donut and then into a convex wireframe bowing and twisting under the weight of your perception. Like it knows its being watched. God is shy, but God damn, what a smile.
The donut folds over like a wolf in combat and collapses into your eyes, grinning on its way down, watching you from the corner of her eye. Eager and thirsty, spacetime rips itself apart to give you a taste of the river of light. But you can’t describe it to anyone. You can’t talk about it, because no word in the vocabulary can approach it without destroying some aspect of its inherent Truth. All the others can do is look at the stupid smirk on your otherwise stoic cat face, and laugh in your direction, and haphazardly declare – not without authentic surprise – “What a smile!”
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It’s true Jesus had to walk that lonesome valley, but Jesus didn’t have Twitter on an enecrypted futurephone, either. These wonderful new products promise to destroy the thing inside you that hurts when you face the world :D
Sit back and enjoy the future! Tech progress is constantly delivering solutions to problems you never knew existed!
Have you ever wanted to wear a smartphone on your FACE? Why not? With Google Cardboard, you can see – up close and personal – the evolution of human fear through the new Imminent Fear app, which is still in beta but shows great promise in its ability to horrify even the most centered user.
Imminent Fear takes you on a virtual tour through the dark thoughts lurking in the collective unconscious. Is that the sound of a baby dying? I didn’t ask to be born. What’s that guy doing–SUICIDE BOMBER! #ISIS IS HERE AND IT’S WORLD WAR III. YOU SHOULD HAVE GOTTEN A REAL JOB!
iPhone Watch App
Have you ever wanted an iPhone Watch, but you were afraid you wouldn’t be able to find the right app on the Apple AppStore? Have no fear, consumers: The iPhone Watch App – although the jokes are 12 months too late – is still useful as ever! Just looking at it will make you feel like you deserve an Apple Watch on each wrist.
Coming Soon: Apple cRing! An Apple Watch for your Cock!
Tesla Model S
This sleek Android phone comes with a fast electric car built around it. All your Silicon Valley friends will want one, but YOU signed up for it first. Show off on reddit when the wooden crate is dropped off outside your McMansion: “Tesla Unboxing Video: Never Before Seen Car Drives Itself Into The Future!”
Are you tired of gaudy door handles that poke out for anyone in the world to grab hold of? The all-new Tesla Model S is capable of driving itself, and deciding who drives it! Users wishing to operate the vehicle must swipe their iPhone 6s Plus across a Point-of-Sale located near the driver’s window before gaining access to the futuristic car interior.
No poorfags allowed! The Model S requires a minimum bank balance of $250,000 before starting the ignition.
Are your conversations about fingerfucking a mistress too important to leak to every Snowden and Manning with minimum-level access? Secure your nefarious activities for a limited time with the GATCA enecrypted smartphone. This phone is so secure, it is constantly under threat of intrusion!
Now you, too, can safely leak documents to the press about government wrongdoings, and cutting-edge AES 512 encryption buys you enough time to book a flight to Hong Kong, Moscow, Geneva — wherever! Except not Geneva.
But act fast! Those helium-cooled NSA supercomputers are gonna COME AT YA BRO when you’re using this ego-inflating, delusions-of-grandeur-fueling smartphone.
[Editor’s note: You are nothing.]
Is that a flagging erection on your launchpad? Nope. It’s a vertical rocket landing that has us shrieking like apes around a monolith. Have you ever wanted to see a rocket reused, over and over again like some kind of cosmic dildo? Now is your chance. Is it news? Is it a commercial? Who knows!
We successfully defunded NASA to the point where Americans are happy to see anything go to space and come back. Rally round the Branson! With a pocket full of shekels. The age of government tyranny over space has come to an end. With Obama signing asteroid and moon mining rights over to whoever wants it, America sets a new standard of liberty across the world; a nod to Galileo, and a wink to Reagan; a neoliberal shot in the dark; with one eye on the heavens, and the other on a bank account, humanity dares to venture to trillion-dollar asteroids full of shiny stuff that is not quite as abundant on earth, and mine it for sweet, economy-collapsing profit.
Get in on the ground floor, and invest your paltry savings into a sure thing. Vertical rocketry is guaranteed to really get your dicks hard.
This award-winning article is brought to you proudly by Lebal Drocer, Inc.
New Futurism, For A Better Tomorrow
Grieving? Destitute? Has the cruel pointlessness of life got you down? Teachers, preachers and therapists might offer tedious solutions with no guaranteed success. Don’t just sit there and “pray” the pain away. Now you can Spray the pain away — with SprayPain!
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We own everything that matters.
Lebal Drocering Ambulatory Services offering 50% discount on new dialysis sign-ups. Use promo code ‘coke’ at checkout.
The Coca-Cola corporation has spent hundreds of millions of valuable US dollars on “independent” research firms who cast doubt on the faulty link between sugar-water and obesity.
Coca-Cola boasts power over more than a dozen British scientists, among them government health advisers, all of whom resist propaganda connecting obesity to the delicious taste of Coca-Cola.
The revelation of Coca-Cola’s science contributions follows a government refusal to tax the company, suggesting there could be some corruption in play. The leaker, who news outlets are calling “the Snowjob of Coke,” came forward on terrorist news network Al Jazeera to declare his jihad on dank American neoliberalism. A former contractor for Lebal Drocer Laboratories, the scientist doubts the benevolence of the Coke Original Formula™. He was all,
Doesn’t it seem like Barack Obama’s career was designed for two terms, though? The guy wasn’t exactly ‘going for Roosevelt.'”
The media are practically sucking this cock without paying tribute to the delicious good time of an ice cold Coca-Cola product. Nor do they acknowledge the frosty sheen of a 12-ounce can on a hot day in the sun. Fuck CNN, and fuck the police.
Share a Coke with your dialysis technician, and enjoy the refreshing breeze as your feet shrivel up like in the Wizard of Oz.
Barack Obama for Third Term, 2016
Jack Kevorkian was a pretty cool guy. eh kills patients and doesn’t afraid of anything.
Has the daily grind got you contemplating suicide? At Lebal Drocer Laboratories is leading the way in assisted suicide thanks to groundbreaking new research by Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour and his magnificent staff of scientists, scholars and lobbyists. Using state-of-the-art techniques, Troubadour and his team were able to isolate literally thousands of variables that could aide in assisted suicide.
Starting with an intravenous injection of TerrorMax, a Lebal Drocer product, a team of real doctors will carefully consider all the stupid bullshit challenging you as you play out your pointless, insignificant life. A decision to go through with the suicide is almost always reached within your first visit to our facility, and we have top-notch lawyers to make sure of it. Live every day like it’s your last, at Lebal Drocer Laboratories!
“We wanted to give people a choice in how they die,” Dr. Troubadour said in a press release, our only source in this story. “Fondly I remember how Jack Kevorkian would kill his patients with ease and a sense of duty. Back then, it was manly to kill yourself. Hemingway did it. We knew we could deliver that. At Lebal Drocer Labs, people can become a larger-than-life martyr in their own self-image, joining the ranks of heroic men like Kurt Cobain and Michael Hastings.
Scientists at Lebal Drocer Laboratories declined giving a fuck during an official press conference.
The American magazine Foreign Policy disclosed shortly ago that a Lebal Drocer soldier who mercilessly killed 16 innocent civilians in Roanoke, Virginia – including women and children – was prone to abusing the reality-altering designer drug TerrorBloc. TerrorBloc, or ‘TB’, is a cheap TerrorMax alternative synthesized by a dangerous offshoot of Lebal Drocer Pharmaceuticals, whose labs operate deep beneath the earth.
For some time, friends and family said, the Lebal Drocer Agent was addicted to alcohol and marijuana before graduating to TerrorBloc, a drug so maddening reports estimate it has caused some 45,000 deaths this year alone.
The new report, put out by the rebel group People’s Army of Lebal Drocer, sheds light on nefarious activities by the Real Lebal Drocer, a subsidiary of Lebal Drocer, Inc. The report shows Lebal Drocer “deliberately” hurled drugs and alcohol into the population without regard for human life or happiness, killing people just for profit.
A United Nations Human Rights spokesperson said 31 nations around the world are organized to take action against the multinational conglomerate and author of the Trans-Pacific Partnership, promising to “push Lebal Drocer out of this century.”
Lebal Drocer’s atrocities have created seven new entries in the Guinness Book of World Records, including setting new records for Most Number of Lives Lost During Single Construction Accident and Highest Stillborn Rate Along a Single Polluted River.
Needless to say, residents of Canada and Mexico are not happy with the current state of natural decline at the hands of Lebal Drocer, Inc.
The company is sending an assigned diplomat who will personally take punishment at the international human rights tribunal in Pyongyang.
This official NASA photograph taken by the Curiosity Rover shows what Dr. Traubedauer says is not a natural phenomenon. | Image Source: NASA
Cape Canaveral, FLA. — NASA scientists are baffled by what they are calling a ‘perfect’ pyramid that appears in a set of photos made public earlier this week.
With conspiracy theories on the rise, it has been difficult to get an official to go on the record. They simply will not risk fanning the flames of what is becoming volatile and histrionic speculation. However, one source at the John F. Kennedy Space Center in Cape Canaveral, Fla. agreed to go on the record to offer some relief from the question on everybody’s minds: What is that pyramid-shaped rock?
Cosmologist Anstrohm H. Traubedauer told The Internet Chronicle that while the photo itself is not conclusive evidence of intelligence life in our solar system, the perfect shape and placement of the stone – which is about the size of a car – are strong indications the pyramid is not merely a geological phenomenon.
“On earth, we commonly find mountains jutting up ‘randomly’ across the terrain, but not without some accompanying signs of subterranean protrusion,” Traubedauer said. “It’s like someone just sort of placed it there.”
Traubedauer said even confirming their findings has been a slog through red tape and security snags.
“I really don’t like to use the word ‘extraterrestrial,’ but myself and my colleagues – including a number of prominent earth scientists and geologists – are able to discern from the photo that there are […] engravings or markings, which almost seem to indicate the structure was machined from a larger stone.”
Dr. Anstrohm H. Traubedauer
Traubedauer said the people overseeing his work are from ‘unnamed’ government agencies and do not explain their presence; however, he said they are ‘deeply interested’ in his team’s findings.
“I don’t know who these men are and frankly, they said I am not even supposed to talk about them to the press,” Traubedauer said. “That is all I can really say without losing my job. I’m sorry.”
You know the routine: Wake up, put on your pants (one leg at a time), brush your teeth and then start the day. But what if you woke up and had no genitals? Such is the story of Lawrence Joyce, woke up on the morning of June 25 without a soul.
Most people wake up with their souls, carry their souls around with them throughout the day (comfortably, in their back pockets), and return home and go to sleep with a soul. So did Lawrence, until this fateful morning. Doctors are stumped as to what could have nerfed the Joyce family continuum, but legal experts are already preparing his defense against Lebal Drocer, Inc., the unsavory corporate entity who spearheaded the TPP Fast Track and is already under fire for the destruction of other “souls.”
His attorneys say Joyce wasn’t happy to wake up without a cock, but were not at liberty to go into details, because they are lawyers.
Lebal Drocer had this to say:
“We didn’t rot your dicks off, you heathens were just playing with it too much!”
Lebal Drocer Public Relations Dept.
Dissident Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour said the probability Lebal Drocer’s new fear miracle drug TerrorMax, which boasts on the box a “new, proprietary formula” is contributing to Lawrence’s loss of cock is “quite high. Stoned, even.”
He said Lawrence could be facing a lifetime of soulless, sexual mediocrity as his ventures are restricted now to anal play.
“Poor old Lawrence is probably just going to have to play with his butthole now, and that’s all the little feller’s got,” Troubadour said, empathetically. “Think about it, you got no soul anymore, and all you’ve got left is to diddle your own asshole. You wouldn’t even want to look at it, because the choice was never yours to start with.”
Troubadour’s veiled sexual phobias came to light really not very long after this latest statement to the press, and are already casting doubts on his ability to self-manage a crippling peer-review scandal that threatens to end his career commentating for The Internet Chronicle.
The Comcast customer service agency Xfinity Force Alpha executes orders to “kill on sight” any civilian who resists their fastest in-home WiFi limited time deal.
A Cuthbert man was shot while resisting summer deals over the weekend. Cellphone video shows Comcast enforcement officials clearly stating the deal was “too good to pass up,” and that doing so would cost him his life. 28-year-old Evan Hernandez walked away from their offer, and that is when agents opened fire, shooting him 6 times in the legs, torso and neck.
Hernandez was first approached by armed Comcast customer service agents after posting a slew of bitter Facebook status updates reading, “Fuck Comcast,” “Comcast is literally Hitler,” and various images of famous dictators captioned, “Comcast representative.”
The fatal meme that got Evan Hernandez killed. | Image Source: Facebook.com
Comcast was careful not to claim ownership of the incident by apologizing, but PR spokespeople did issue a Comcastic, heartfelt apology via Twitter:
We’ll miss you, customer no. 1127-H3-59-98062.
“We gave him every opportunity to stop resisting,” Comcast representative Dave Jericho said. “We said, ‘You can’t say no. Either you take the sports package that’s got 24-hour soccer and get slower Internet, or buy the movie channels and upgrade to 25 Mbps.’ Evan made his bed. Evan can lay in it.”
Hate-riots are brewing across the United States as Comcast customers lash out jealously in hopes of getting an opportunity to sign the deal Hernandez repeatedly turned down starting as far back as 6 weeks ago.