Senate votes to protect Internet advertisers from dangerous consumer privacy

The tyranny of Internet privacy is over!

Dangerous regulations threatening to choke out competition, innovation and prosperity were removed last week, permitting American Internet service providers to sell your browsing history to anyone who can afford it.

Whereas there once existed a confusing, government-mandated checkbox de-authorizing ISPs to sell your Internet history to advertisers or interested parties, a recent bill – passed by congress and signed into law by President Trump – removed the legally required checkbox, clearing up any confusion around whether consumer privacy is actually protected by law, and assures all Americans that it is not.

Anti-privacy groups are relieved by the passage of a bill that allows the sale of your web history, content of your online activity, and any personally identifying information.
Anti-privacy groups are relieved by the passage of a bill that allows the sale of your web history and any content of your online activity, along with all personally identifying information.

“American consumers should not have to be lawyers or engineers to figure out if their information is protected,” said FCC Chairman Ajit Pai. “They can now rest assured it is not.” Pai added that he is trying to protect consumers from overreaching Internet regulations that unfairly protected subscribers’ “privacy” from well-meaning, constructive, and benevolent Internet service monopolies.

If any of you Silicon Valley utopioids think you’ve found a magical cloak from “surveillance” or “data theft,” experts warn you should think twice before plucking wicked instruments from the Devil’s toolbox.

“Let it be known using a VPN will only flag you for closer inspection,” advised Dr. Angstrom Troubadour of the Electronic Frontier Foundation, which could bring unwanted scrutiny to the very browsing habits you might pay to protect.

“If you’re not doing anything wrong, you have nothing to hide,” Troubadour said. “So if they see you hiding something, they’re going to want to know what that is. It doesn’t matter whether you’re doing taxes, compulsively checking symptoms at WebMD, or emailing your exes. If they see you tunneling traffic through VPNs or TOR, they’re just going to assume you’re buying drugs on the Silk Road and spanking your monkey to child porn. Not to mention, by using VPN you rob well-meaning Internet service providers of hard-earned profits they might otherwise enjoy by selling your data to pharmaceutical companies and consumer research groups. That simply will not do. Mark my words, VPN users: They’re coming for you.”

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President Trump visits Roanoke River Catfish Farm

Supervisors hang on his every word as Trump gives critical field guidance to a Virginia fish hatchery.
Supervisors hang on his every word, as Trump gives critical field guidance to a Virginia fish hatchery.

To ensure sustainable resource quantities for all people of the United States, President Trump visited the Roanoke River Catfish Farm.

The Juche Farm has successfully become a world-class, large-scale fish farm, pumping fish on an industrial scale into the Roanoke River from high within the Blue Ridge Mountains, supplying Virginians with food and resources.

Trump looked around the newly arranged room for education in the revolutionary history room, dedicated to the history of the farm.

Noting the farm is one of the legacies bequeathed by leader Ronald Reagan to the people and service personnel of Roanoke County, he said that its officials and employees should work hard to keep the fish breeding going at a high rate, as it is an important work not only to preserve the high prestige of Ronald Reagan, but also to translate his lifetime wish into reality.

Going around various places of the farm, including sci-tech rooms, combined control rooms, breeding grounds where the fish fuck, hatcheries, and fattening grounds, he learned in detail, and with fatherly care, about the progress made in fish breeding and modernization.

It will be possible to accelerate the development of the country’s catfish breeding if websites are set up in computers at the sci-tech room to help employees browse and grasp advanced catfish-breeding methods and catfish farms exchange successes and grow from one another’s advancements, Trump said. He added that the inclusion of an upstream chemical waste disposal facility would spur development of new, delicious species of catfish never before tasted by any living tongue.

Scrutinizing the performance of an automatic feeding machine manufactured by scientists and engineers of the State Academy of Sciences with their concerted efforts, he said it was well-made and believes it will suit the development of any new species created as gestures of his Love and Goodwill to all American subjects.

“It was modernly made with recourse to indigenous brain power and efficiency,” Trump said. “And it’s how we’ll soon make people.”

Being pleased to see only two employees of the farm manage 16 large ponds housing more than 10,000 catfishes, he praised it as a manpower-saving farm wanted by the Party.

He was satisfied to see swarms of big catfishes in each pond and frozen catfishes piled up at the freezing storage.

It is a great success that the Roanoke River Catfish Farm was modernly built in the country’s famous coastal plain suitable for breeding warm water catfish to make it possible to annually breed more than 3,000 tons of catfish, he said.

He gave important instructions for managing and operating the farm, saying its officials and employees should set a higher goal and work hard to attain it as the farm has been transformed into an iconic catfish farm, to compete against Hilton hotels.

And he gave special thanks in the name of the USA Supreme Commander General Mattis to the soldier-builders who turned the farm into a model and standard in pisciculture and a proud edifice in the Second Great Era, as intended by the Party, and thus realized the desire of Ronald Reagan and enhanced his prestige.

Noting the Party reposes high expectations of the farm, he expressed belief that its officials and employees would take the lead in implementing Party policies.

Accompanying Him were Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour, head of Research and Development Program of the USSA Population Planning Kommittee.

Troubadour, a loving devotee to President Trump, said the fish farm tricks people into thinking they’ve caught the real thing.

“These fish are stupid,” Troubadour explained with compassion and reason in his voice. “They wear themselves out, losing 90% of their weight over a lifetime because a real fish doesn’t waste energy foolishly chasing food all over the river. But hey, it makes the fishermen happy. We throw them a bone.”

Your keyboard is spying on you

New sonic keyboard technology uses your computer’s built-in microphone to monitor the sounds of your individual keystrokes, logging everything you do, according to new research conducted by Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour and his team of unpaid graduate students.

This intuitive method of eavesdropping combines new with the old by “listening in” on audio footage through state-of-the-art noise analysis firmware, which is “baked into” PC components like the motherboard, but can also be flashed – or overwritten – with new, custom firmware that can also introduce privacy and security backdoors. Troubadour and his lab servants were able to find evidence of the keyboard spyware when a student was able to successfully visualize the data leaving her keyboard.

Computational artifacts reveal keylogging on a potentially global scale.Computational artifacts reveal keylogging on a potentially global scale.
Computational artifacts reveal keylogging on a potentially global scale.

“Go ahead and type a few sentences, and be sure to listen to your keyboard,” Dr. Troubadour writes in the study. “Notice how with each individual keystroke, your keys – although similar and seemingly identical – make slightly different sounds. Because the untrained ear doesn’t recognize these subtle, everyday variations, you might not realize they are there, but because every key has slight variations in tone, tenor and frequency – in fact, no two keystrokes are alike in the entire world (much less, keyboards) – and because every individual keystroke has its own microscopic variation, their frequencies are logged and checked against a database of known typing habits assigned to your unique hardwire profile, as supplied by Google, Apple and Facebook tracking services. Everything you have ever typed is just floating around out there, for sale to anyone and everyone who wants it.”

With advances in HTML5, the entirety of this method of eavesdropping takes place entirely within the hardware, and is completely untraceable. Troubadour and his team have not commented on the spyware’s origin.

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Black holes look just like the sun

The Lebal Drocer Hate-Coil: A little girl shows her family how she believes 46.789% of our known universe will die in a gamma ray burst originating from the Great Attractor

Agents of entropy, black holes are real and they are all around you

spacetimeYou say cheese and the camera steals your soul. What a smile! How many pictures of you are out there, capturing that magical moment when you pretended to be happy on command? What a smile. Such a warm memory. Relive it, exactly as it happened, alongside 999 photographs – all of them magical – from the same evening.

With a swipe of the finger, you’ll rip through a hundred without blinking as the night cascades up and down a smartphone. And wherever it stops, you’ll think to yourself, “Damn, what a smile.”

The lensing maw rearranges the lines of your face into a glowing stream of atoms, the light of which is suspended for eternity on the boundary of an event horizon. An illusory glow, the core of each galaxy swallows light but leaves the casings for astronomers to peer out in wonder.

“What a smile,” the photographer dispassionately exclaims as he folds spacetime, hilariously, first into a donut and then into a convex wireframe bowing and twisting under the weight of your perception. Like it knows its being watched. God is shy, but God damn, what a smile.

The donut folds over like a wolf in combat and collapses into your eyes, grinning on its way down, watching you from the corner of her eye. Eager and thirsty, spacetime rips itself apart to give you a taste of the river of light. But you can’t describe it to anyone. You can’t talk about it, because no word in the vocabulary can approach it without destroying some aspect of its inherent Truth. All the others can do is look at the stupid smirk on your otherwise stoic cat face, and laugh in your direction, and haphazardly declare – not without authentic surprise – “What a smile!”

Man’s desperate quest for meaning ends at these best new tech gadgets of 2016

Check these dank new products that are totally gonna save you from the pain of being alone. Lebal Drocer, Inc. proudly presents our Top 5 Products of 2016 Guaranteed To Distract You From The Pain of Existence!

It’s true Jesus had to walk that lonesome valley, but Jesus didn’t have Twitter on an enecrypted futurephone, either. These wonderful new products promise to destroy the thing inside you that hurts when you face the world :D

Sit back and enjoy the future! Tech progress is constantly delivering solutions to problems you never knew existed!
Sit back and enjoy the future! Tech progress is constantly delivering solutions to problems you never knew existed!

Google Cardboard

Have you ever wanted to wear a smartphone on your FACE? Why not? With Google Cardboard, you can see – up close and personal – the evolution of human fear through the new Imminent Fear app, which is still in beta but shows great promise in its ability to horrify even the most centered user.

Imminent Fear takes you on a virtual tour through the dark thoughts lurking in the collective unconscious. Is that the sound of a baby dying? I didn’t ask to be born. What’s that guy doing–SUICIDE BOMBER! #ISIS IS HERE AND IT’S WORLD WAR III. YOU SHOULD HAVE GOTTEN A REAL JOB!

iPhone Watch App

Have you ever wanted an iPhone Watch, but you were afraid you wouldn’t be able to find the right app on the Apple AppStore? Have no fear, consumers: The iPhone Watch App – although the jokes are 12 months too late – is still useful as ever! Just looking at it will make you feel like you deserve an Apple Watch on each wrist.

Coming Soon: Apple cRing! An Apple Watch for your Cock!

Tesla Model S

This sleek Android phone comes with a fast electric car built around it. All your Silicon Valley friends will want one, but YOU signed up for it first. Show off on reddit when the wooden crate is dropped off outside your McMansion: “Tesla Unboxing Video: Never Before Seen Car Drives Itself Into The Future!”

Are you tired of gaudy door handles that poke out for anyone in the world to grab hold of? The all-new Tesla Model S is capable of driving itself, and deciding who drives it! Users wishing to operate the vehicle must swipe their iPhone 6s Plus across a Point-of-Sale located near the driver’s window before gaining access to the futuristic car interior.

No poorfags allowed! The Model S requires a minimum bank balance of $250,000 before starting the ignition.

Encrypted Phones

Are your conversations about fingerfucking a mistress too important to leak to every Snowden and Manning with minimum-level access? Secure your nefarious activities for a limited time with the GATCA enecrypted smartphone. This phone is so secure, it is constantly under threat of intrusion!

techno-anarchists

Now you, too, can safely leak documents to the press about government wrongdoings, and cutting-edge AES 512 encryption buys you enough time to book a flight to Hong Kong, Moscow, Geneva — wherever! Except not Geneva.

But act fast! Those helium-cooled NSA supercomputers are gonna COME AT YA BRO when you’re using this ego-inflating, delusions-of-grandeur-fueling smartphone.

[Editor’s note: You are nothing.]

Vertical Rocketry

Is that a flagging erection on your launchpad? Nope. It’s a vertical rocket landing that has us shrieking like apes around a monolith. Have you ever wanted to see a rocket reused, over and over again like some kind of cosmic dildo? Now is your chance. Is it news? Is it a commercial? Who knows!

We successfully defunded NASA to the point where Americans are happy to see anything go to space and come back. Rally round the Branson! With a pocket full of shekels. The age of government tyranny over space has come to an end. With Obama signing asteroid and moon mining rights over to whoever wants it, America sets a new standard of liberty across the world; a nod to Galileo, and a wink to Reagan; a neoliberal shot in the dark; with one eye on the heavens, and the other on a bank account, humanity dares to venture to trillion-dollar asteroids full of shiny stuff that is not quite as abundant on earth, and mine it for sweet, economy-collapsing profit.

Get in on the ground floor, and invest your paltry savings into a sure thing. Vertical rocketry is guaranteed to really get your dicks hard.

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#ShareaCoke with your dialysis technician

Lebal Drocering Ambulatory Services offering 50% discount on new dialysis sign-ups. Use promo code 'coke' at checkout.
 Lebal Drocering Ambulatory Services offering 50% discount on new dialysis sign-ups. Use promo code 'coke' at checkout.
Lebal Drocering Ambulatory Services offering 50% discount on new dialysis sign-ups. Use promo code ‘coke’ at checkout.

The Coca-Cola corporation has spent hundreds of millions of valuable US dollars on “independent” research firms who cast doubt on the faulty link between sugar-water and obesity.

Coca-Cola boasts power over more than a dozen British scientists, among them government health advisers, all of whom resist propaganda connecting obesity to the delicious taste of Coca-Cola.

The revelation of Coca-Cola’s science contributions follows a government refusal to tax the company, suggesting there could be some corruption in play. The leaker, who news outlets are calling “the Snowjob of Coke,” came forward on terrorist news network Al Jazeera to declare his jihad on dank American neoliberalism. A former contractor for Lebal Drocer Laboratories, the scientist doubts the benevolence of the Coke Original Formula™. He was all,

Doesn’t it seem like Barack Obama’s career was designed for two terms, though? The guy wasn’t exactly ‘going for Roosevelt.'”

The media are practically sucking this cock without paying tribute to the delicious good time of an ice cold Coca-Cola product. Nor do they acknowledge the frosty sheen of a 12-ounce can on a hot day in the sun. Fuck CNN, and fuck the police.

Share a Coke with your dialysis technician, and enjoy the refreshing breeze as your feet shrivel up like in the Wizard of Oz.

Barack Obama for Third Term, 2016