A Las Vegas bartender was taken in for psychiatric evaluation after colleagues reached out to authorities, warning their friend’s behavior and personality had become unusually warm and relatable. Deputies agreed David Burkstrom was a threat to himself and a nearby mall where he was known to shop, and he was arrested Wednesday afternoon as he left home for work.
“I stopped David as he was walking to his car” Sheriff’s Deputy Matthew Digsby said in a press conference. “I was with my partner. David raised his eyebrows. He smiled, showing us his teeth. That was when we saw life in his eyes, and that’s when I knew he was present and dangerous. We took him out.”
Authorities later admitted they had already begun tracking David when he stopped using his Kroger card and began paying for everything with cash.
In an exclusive interview with chronicle.su from his jail cell, David Burkstrum said it was getting too difficult to keep up “the whole sarcastic empathy schtick.”
I thought it would be funny if I identified with, and cared for, other people. I did it as a joke.
And it was hysterical. Months became years as brick-by-brick, David built around himself an igloo of cold irony.
Tender, loving communication washed over David’s lens to the world and blew away as though his very soul was coated in Rain-X. So did messages of hostility and outrage.
Though David could feel neither, he believed it would be funny to behave like these things got to him, because with David, that’s not what you expected.
“I’m just a husk of a man, now. I’m a hollow, bitter old log wearing the same painted on smile television whores use. I was doing a bit!”
A man’s ego was shattered Thursday while in the depths of an LSD freakout so intense, even his neighbors reported feeling it.
Jill Stern, 73, says she was peering suspiciously at the world through her blinds when she felt uneasy.
“I sort of felt what I’d call a cosmic disturbance, like Danny was up there freaking out,” Stern said. “I just knew that when I got up there, Danny’s ego wouldn’t be there no more. By the way, something’s wrong with me.”
Sure enough, when Stern arrived in the bedroom, there sat the hollow shell of Daniel Serling who, after partying with friends, reportedly went home and listened to Pink Floyd all night.
Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour, chief chemist at Lebal Drocer Pharmaceuticals and Chemical Research Labs, says Roger Waters so systematically and effectively breaks down the ego, that Troubadour and others are lobbying congress to reclassify Pink Floyd’s music as a schedule I drug.
Dr. Troubadour said LSD overdose ain’t nothin to fuck with, adding that he hasn’t been right since The Wall 2014 tour.
“I mean they’re all sitting around, dosed out of their skulls, evolving in front of us and meticulously presenting it in perfect musical form. That’s fucked up, it’s illegal, and it’s bad for the economy.”
Dr. Troubadour said his research leads him to believe that after Serling’s meltdown, people are less likely to buy the sweet new iPhone 7 Replacement Plus that Serling unfortunately believed were made from babies, ground into dust. Ordinarily, this story would end there. But because Danny’s ego collapsed so hard in on itself, the event has already begun pulling the collective unconscious down with it, destroying our shared concept of self, piece by piece, and replacing our motives with his enduring “Baby Dust craze.”
“He’s making us all dumb!” Troubadour told reporters. Suddenly, the doctor stood up and roared, slamming his fist down through the particle board coffee table decorating the Internet Chronicle‘s Grand Foyer.
“I already feel retarded! But the lucky bastard up in that apartment right now doesn’t think anything anymore. Do you understand me?” Troubadour demanded, corralling a huddled group of petrified reporters into his back office. “I want baby dust.”
Danny’s best friend, Attorney John DeSoto, said Danny was one of those dudes who seemed dead inside anyway, and the world is unlikely to notice the death of his ego, the realization of which is what caused the collapse and oh my god what’s it all for, it’s all for nothing.
“Like there just wasn’t anything behind his eyes, you know? Me stupid at the moment, and must forgive but I forgetting empathy, but I bet that was tough, being a flake and weirding everyone out with your presence,” DeSoto said. “We were usually happy to see him leave the party, anyway.”
DeSoto reckons Danny’s ego being shattered was not such a bad thing for the community, and maybe even serves some greater purpose to humanity. But Dr. Troubadour disagreed, adding that a steady regimen of vitamins and TerrorMax could straighten Danny out and reshape him into the laborer, citizen, and believer God wants him to be.
“We’re going to get him some Vitamin B-12 and help him relearn how to go to work on Mondays. So in the meantime, keep him away from those Garfield comics!”
Dr. Troubadour said LSD overdose ain’t nothin’ to fuck with, adding that he hasn’t been right since The Wall 2014 tour.
But that’s nothin’ a little TerrorMax can’t FIX RIGHT UP!
That’s right moms, all new TerrorMax SSRI-Legal US Version PRODUCT PATENT 2018-01-24-692379.b tablets are just the thing to get your mopey teens off their butts and ontoThe Right Track.
“Our little Stacey’s ego nearly died after an enlightening experience in the woods with her friends on mushrooms. But ever since then, we started lacing her dinner with TerrorMax PM, her night vision has improved 20-fold, and she is the most popular kid in school.”
Never feel depressed again with all new TerrorMax SSRI-“Legal US Version rated ‘Safe for Human Consumption'” again, or your money back, guaranteed! Again!
Danny’s dying ego made us dumb. Isn’t it time you felt numb?
Grieving? Destitute? Has the cruel pointlessness of life got you down? Teachers, preachers and therapists might offer tedious solutions with no guaranteed success. Don’t just sit there and “pray” the pain away. Now you can Spray the pain away — with SprayPain!
New from Lebal Drocer Laboratories, SprayPain™ takes the hassle out of overcoming emotional turmoil. Use SprayPain to get rid of unsightly pain related to any agonizing condition:
Tragic loss of life!
Death of a pet!
Even failed marriage!
With SprayPain, every single thing you can think of that causes pain becomes a little, ticklish gift from God – in a bottle!
Spray away pain away. Come again another dark day.
SprayPain is a Lebal Drocer Product.
This message is brought to you graciously by Lebal Drocer, Inc.
The Coca-Cola corporation has spent hundreds of millions of valuable US dollars on “independent” research firms who cast doubt on the faulty link between sugar-water and obesity.
Coca-Cola boasts power over more than a dozen British scientists, among them government health advisers, all of whom resist propaganda connecting obesity to the delicious taste of Coca-Cola.
The revelation of Coca-Cola’s science contributions follows a government refusal to tax the company, suggesting there could be some corruption in play. The leaker, who news outlets are calling “the Snowjob of Coke,” came forward on terrorist news network Al Jazeera to declare his jihad on dank American neoliberalism. A former contractor for Lebal Drocer Laboratories, the scientist doubts the benevolence of the Coke Original Formula™. He was all,
Doesn’t it seem like Barack Obama’s career was designed for two terms, though? The guy wasn’t exactly ‘going for Roosevelt.'”
The media are practically sucking this cock without paying tribute to the delicious good time of an ice cold Coca-Cola product. Nor do they acknowledge the frosty sheen of a 12-ounce can on a hot day in the sun. Fuck CNN, and fuck the police.
Share a Coke with your dialysis technician, and enjoy the refreshing breeze as your feet shrivel up like in the Wizard of Oz.
Has the daily grind got you contemplating suicide? At Lebal Drocer Laboratories is leading the way in assisted suicide thanks to groundbreaking new research by Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour and his magnificent staff of scientists, scholars and lobbyists. Using state-of-the-art techniques, Troubadour and his team were able to isolate literally thousands of variables that could aide in assisted suicide.
Starting with an intravenous injection of TerrorMax, a Lebal Drocer product, a team of real doctors will carefully consider all the stupid bullshit challenging you as you play out your pointless, insignificant life. A decision to go through with the suicide is almost always reached within your first visit to our facility, and we have top-notch lawyers to make sure of it. Live every day like it’s your last, at Lebal Drocer Laboratories!
“We wanted to give people a choice in how they die,” Dr. Troubadour said in a press release, our only source in this story. “Fondly I remember how Jack Kevorkian would kill his patients with ease and a sense of duty. Back then, it was manly to kill yourself. Hemingway did it. We knew we could deliver that. At Lebal Drocer Labs, people can become a larger-than-life martyr in their own self-image, joining the ranks of heroic men like Kurt Cobain and Michael Hastings.
You know the routine: Wake up, put on your pants (one leg at a time), brush your teeth and then start the day. But what if you woke up and had no genitals? Such is the story of Lawrence Joyce, woke up on the morning of June 25 without a soul.
Most people wake up with their souls, carry their souls around with them throughout the day (comfortably, in their back pockets), and return home and go to sleep with a soul. So did Lawrence, until this fateful morning. Doctors are stumped as to what could have nerfed the Joyce family continuum, but legal experts are already preparing his defense against Lebal Drocer, Inc., the unsavory corporate entity who spearheaded the TPP Fast Track and is already under fire for the destruction of other “souls.”
His attorneys say Joyce wasn’t happy to wake up without a cock, but were not at liberty to go into details, because they are lawyers.
Lebal Drocer had this to say:
“We didn’t rot your dicks off, you heathens were just playing with it too much!”
Lebal Drocer Public Relations Dept.
Dissident Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour said the probability Lebal Drocer’s new fear miracle drug TerrorMax, which boasts on the box a “new, proprietary formula” is contributing to Lawrence’s loss of cock is “quite high. Stoned, even.”
He said Lawrence could be facing a lifetime of soulless, sexual mediocrity as his ventures are restricted now to anal play.
“Poor old Lawrence is probably just going to have to play with his butthole now, and that’s all the little feller’s got,” Troubadour said, empathetically. “Think about it, you got no soul anymore, and all you’ve got left is to diddle your own asshole. You wouldn’t even want to look at it, because the choice was never yours to start with.”
Troubadour’s veiled sexual phobias came to light really not very long after this latest statement to the press, and are already casting doubts on his ability to self-manage a crippling peer-review scandal that threatens to end his career commentating for The Internet Chronicle.
What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and I’m the top sniper in the entire US armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You’re fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You’re fucking dead, kiddo.
What might normally constitute a paralyzing blow to an independent doctor’s career did not move Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour, whose wealthy financiers include none other than Lebal Drocer Pharmaceuticals, the powerful medicine firm that allegedly paid the journal Nature to introduce the untested “miracle drug” TerrorMax™ to an unassuming and naive readership of scientists and medical scholars.
Court records show Troubadour faked more than 33 “peer reviews” forcing The Internet Chronicle to revoke several articles referencing him. To be clear, all of Dr. Truebadour’s articles that are factual and accurate remain published under his pseudonym, Troubedaur.
Dr. Troubedauer said after the witch hunt dies down, he plans to go on vacation in the beautiful former bomb testing site, the beautiful Nye County, Nv.
“After they quit trying to figure out ‘who’s a real doctor and who’s a fake’ – nonsense, if you ask me – I aim to go out West and prove radiation poisoning is a myth,” Troubedoure said. “I think it is a shame these fake reports came to light. People need to be more careful, like Monsanto. Now there’s a company with its priorities in order.”
TERRORISTS HATE HIM! AMERICANS STAY CONSTANTLY AFRAID USING THIS SIMPLE TRICK
There’s a new drug that will literally tear your life apart under a wave of euphoria. TerrorMax, by Lebal Drocer Pharmaceuticals, will put your eyes on the sky, and a fire in your belly; a hunger for liberty.
Our loyal and intelligent readers do not trust the government. You know there is such a thing as Absolute Truth, and Facts are Facts. TerrorMax keeps your spine pointed straight up, aligned to the North Star, a point of light astronomers have studied for centuries. The North Star is a trusted point of reference for everyone from Jesus to Napoleon. Patriots may trust Jesus. You trust no one.
Like LSD, TerrorMax permanently changes your DNA, heightening your lineage’s sensitivity to fear, promoting survival and enhancing the human experience of terror.
TerrorMax gives you the energy to stay awake through the night. It enhances night vision, allowing you to scan the horizon for threats of terror. TerrorMax builds awareness of your surroundings. Is that a laser gun-sight or a cell tower? On TerrorMax, you can focus on a point of light up to 14 miles away, with perfect clarity.
Every bottle of TerrorMax comes with a TerrorMax Steam key, enabling you to download the TerrorMax Terror Alert Center client for Mac and PC. The Terror Alert Center™ lets you rant hatefully into your webcam microphone about unseen enemies of the state who are jealous of your freedom. Be a Patriot. Spy on your neighbors. Report unAmerican activities to the White House straight from your PC!
Even medical experts don’t know how TerrorMax works.
“It just … works.”
-Dr. Angstrom H. Terrordour, M.D.
TerrorMax gives world leaders the courage to deploy troops and assassinate “innocent” (non-American) dissidents abroad.
“I’m Terry McAuliffe, and I prefer TerrorMax to AnataBloc. It helps me think and raises my awareness. We should look into [TerrorMax].” -Virginia Gov. Terry McAuliffe (D), Governor of Va.
TerrorMax is not a dietary supplement, and is not regulated by the FDA. TerrorMax has been associated with tremors, seizures, and sleeplessness. If you experience a terror lasting four years or more, do not stop taking TerrorMax. Stopping TerrorMax cold turkey is shown to lead to seizure or death. Instead, vote for a Democrat. If you already voted Democrat – and continue to experience incessant terror – wait four years, and vote Republican. Once you take TerrorMax, you can not stop. In rare cases, some TerrorMax users report difficulty urinating, and permanent disruption of their sleep cycle. If you are unable to urinate while using TerrorMax, consult your Catastrophic Healthcare Options to learn which Death Panel is right for you.