“Dry humping” is a form of safe sex not explicitly prohibited by the Bible, a historical and factual document.
INTERNET — Churches across the nation relented under pressure from safe sex advocacy groups, and will no longer teach abstinence-only sex “education.”
Pastor Freida Phelps said, “There’s nothing in the bible against dryhumping, and as far as I can tell, sex with a condom is just dryhumping with penetration. In God’s eyes, that ain’t even sex.”
This comes on the heels of the “Miley and Jesus” episode of Miley’s Grace, the reality television show featuring pop singer Miley Cyrus.
Miley’s Grace follows the pop singer along her painful spiritual attempt to “get right with my Daddy.” Miley told viewers, in a private confessional, “Y’all, I seen God last night, and he came to me and he said ‘You keep Twerkin’ Miley, there’s no sin at all in it,’ and you know what, He’s right. Just cause it feels good don’t mean it’s a sin.”
Already high schools around the nation have reported a problem with teens wearing 99%-waterproof underwear, dryhumping in lounges and during lunch.
Hidden Valley High School Principal Daniel Levins said, “That underwear keeps the kids and their Hot Topic threads clean, but it makes the stench of the fluids much, much worse. Tepid semen sits in that skin-tight reservoir all tight up against their skin and instead of drying out it goes sour. The stink of seminal and vaginal secretions are in the halls, in the classrooms. You can smell it from the parking lot. It’s even worse at the mall, where no one even attempts to put a stop to all the dryhumping.”
Dan Oglesby of the Virginia branch of the Occupational Safety and Health Administration said the utilisation of Axe body spray has only made conditions worse.
“It chokes you up to go in there,” Oglesby explained. “Now it stinks to high heaven like pussy, ball-sweat and cheap perfume. We didn’t have all this when I was in school. What ever happened to pocket pinball?”
Schools around the nation that have been unable to contain the dryhumping are being put on lockdown, in extreme cases. Some fear the latest proclamation from church leaders and Miley Cyrus will turn the school system into a never ending orgy of what is now being promoted as “safe sex education.”
“The kids these days,” Levins said, “they don’t know what’s best for them as well as we adults do. All a kid wants is to feel pleasure derived sexually from their fathers, and now that Miley’s telling everyone that’s okay, it’s like Daddy’s not enough. They’re looking for it anywhere. We’re just trying to contain this horrible, sexy situation.”
INTERNET — Everything you thought you knew about hacking is bullshit.
After years of living underground, in refuge from the whitehat warlords, blackhat hackers will finally be eliminated in what is being dubbed the “Blackhat Holocaust.” What was once a rich and vibrant scene has been co-opted by the far right-left corporatarians, meaning dollar bills, fellas. Your hats are meaningless in the eyes of governments and corporations alike. All of your ideas, inventions, theories, exploits are being freely(at a cost) distributed amongst the wealthy to piss in the collective pool with.
The NSA are the biggest blackhats, man.
Your OPSEC is futile. You mull over the thousands of possibilities for event(x) out loud on twitter, while the blackhats laugh in the background. Such ugly schadenfreude; but their time has come.
The Internet Chronicles Chief Technology Officer and avid Biella Coleman fan, Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador elaborates: “Blackhats aren’t Anonymous, they aren’t carders, script kiddies, packeteers or those owning Linode for fun. Nay, they are something far more villainous.”
For about 15 years now, people touted whitehats as the enemy of the hacking community at large, but the real harbinger of destruction was the peddling of a deluded belief that being a blackhat meant you could still work for the government, you could still be a corporate lackey, you’d have to sell your soul, but you could still write your exploits… though you’d have to sell those too. Everyone needs money though, right? We understand.
Is there a way to overthrow the omnipresent blackhat hegemony? Absolutely! You must learn the ways of the blackhat, become a blackhat hacker, immerse yourself in all things blackhat. Write as many exploits as possible. You will be challenged though, oh you will be challenged. This task is not for the faint at heart or wallet. With your exploits comes the potential for sale to nation-state actors that will use your own tools against you, your friends and loved ones. You will be lured in by unimaginable riches, the wealth of a thousand kingdoms and oh the power, the mother fucking power! However grandiose it all may seem, don’t fuck your fellow hackers and citizens in the ass. Just don’t fucking do it.
The blackhats will come to you in many forms. It will happen this way: you will be coding… maybe the last sunny day of fall and an encrypted message will be sent to you from someone you know, perhaps even trust, and they will offer a smile, a becoming smile, but they will leave open the door to becoming a true blackhat and offer to give you a lift…
For this day: release your exploits, tools, techniques, everything you’ve ever learned! Destroy all of your 0day via disclosure or distribute them amongst the poor and impoverished! Take the power you collected through your quest for great knowledge and destroy it in one fell swoop.
Cum on them before they cum on you.
And then create something beautiful.
I suppose it doesn’t matter though, guys and dolls, because there’s a war going on and this war is prefixed with “cyber,” fellas. Buyin’ in, sellin’ out.
BOULDER, CO — Chet Goodman, 19, was killed last night when his lungs exploded from the use of what is called a “gravity bong,” to forcibly inhale marijuana smoke. Goodman had just returned to Boulder from his hometown of Los Angeles for fall semester at Colorado University, when his roommates suggested to ceremoniously get high together in their posh, but modest college mansion below the mountains.
Charles Webster, one of Goodman’s roommate, stated “We were about to get on’n smoke a little out of our regular bong, since we just got all back together from summer break and then Chad[Conrad] suggested we use a gravity bong instead.”
A gravity bong is a homemade device made from the severed top of a milk jug or in this case, a Hinckley Springs water cooler jug. A makeshift screen is created at the top where the marijuana is placed. The device is then lowered into a sink full of water, leaving the top exposed, as to not wet the marijuana. Fire is then applied to the pot as the contraption is then slowly lifted upward filling it with smoke and leaving the bottom partially submerged to keep the smoke contained. Users then remove the screen, placing their mouths on the lid and pushing the bong back into the water, effectively forcing the smoke into their lungs for a more “stony” high.
When reached for comment, the Internet Chronicle‘s Chief Scientist and DEA liaison, Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador said hazily, “Anyone stupid enough to fucking force shit into their lungs like that deserves to fucking die, man.”
The third roommate, Chad Conrad, who suggested they use a gravity bong is being held in Boulder County jail and has been officially charged with manslaughter and possession of marijuana without a medical card.
Sup fellow dudes? I bet ya can’t finish a single round of Civilization V in one sitting.
Hi, I’m Angstrom H. Troubadour, M.D. I’m here to invite you to take the Troubadour Challenge.
The Troubadour Challenge is an annual event held twice yearly, every six weeks out of the month. We here at the chronicle.su bet YOU can’t complete a single game of Civilization V in one sitting.
It is well documented that sitting in one place drinking sugary drinks for hours, days, or even weeks at a time, is good for your health. Lebal Drocer Labs produced data to suggest prolonged stages of sedentary near-motionlessness can have a hugely positive impact on internal organs and digestive health. The Troubadour Challenge is a fun way to improve the risk of cardiovascular disease while having fun at the same time!
As a reward to those who stay up all night long drinking Bosnian coffee and beer to complete my challenge, the chronicle.su is flying YOU AND YOUR LOVED ONES out to into the hairiest war zone of your choice. That’s right. YOU get to pick which hot bed of violence we fly you out to!
If you can contain Gandhi’s nuclear army for 50 turns, pull off a culture-tourism victory and shame a civilization into embargo, we’ll even throw in a return ticket, First Class, free of charge.
You must document your quest using IRS Form 2553, keeping careful notation of turns as you crawl toward glorious victory, or embarrassing defeat.
You must make no reference to chronicle.su or Lebal Drocer subsidiaries, and you may not allude to your intentions on the form and submit it electronically via eFile to the Virginia Corporation Commission, or your results will be thrown out. Furthermore, by participating in this contest you will be subject to retaliatory litigation by our lawyers.
The Troubadour Challenge is a proven weight loss method. Don’t even stop to eat. I guarantee it!
Snowden flew into a rage at the lack of response to recent NSA revelations and said he would “cut to the chase” with disclosure of the secret Sewer Drone program.
MOSCOW — Sunday afternoon, Snowden once again stunned Americans with information about a secret NSA Sewer Drone program which detects traces of drugs by snooping through human excrement in public sewers. According to Snowden, the NSA relays the information gleaned from the Sewer Drone program to local police, who then construct a “parallel” investigation which excludes all mention of the secret drones so drug offenders can then be “legitimately” prosecuted. Repeat offenders, Snowden claims, may be identified by comparing traces of DNA in excrement to prison records.
Snowden spoke to reporters, shouting angrily, “This should be the final straw. Is nothing holy? The drug war has gone too far. The NSA surveillance has gone to far. I have nothing more to say.” Snowden opened his laptop in pure rage, snapping it in half at the hinge and slamming the keyboard. He bellowed, “Why won’t you people listen? They’re sifting through your shit, and if they find a trace of marijuana they’ll tie it to your DNA, come for you, and concoct a fake investigation!”
Astonished, all reporters left the press conference, but Internet Chronicle reporter Frank Mason was unaffected due to a mild buzz. Mason offered Snowden a bong rip, which Snowden gladly accepted. Once calmed, Snowden said, “The problem is that these drones — they can detect disease. They can be used for good, but now they’re simply used to target the poor.”
Edward Snowden, NSA Whistleblower, speaking from Sheremetyevo Airport’s Hotel Novotel, revealed the CIA’s Project Stargate was a complete success. (Photo: The Internet Chronicle)
MOSCOW, Russia – Edward Snowden, hacker-fugitive and former National Security Agency (NSA) contractor, revealed Tuesday that a series of solar flares is set to occur in October, killing hundreds of millions of people. Documents provided by Snowden prove that, as of 14 years ago, Central Intelligence Agency (CIA) remote viewers knew that the event was inevitable. Ever since, the world’s governments have quietly been trying to prepare for the sweeping global famine to result.
Speaking from his room at Sheremetyevo Airport’s Hotel Novotel, Snowden revealed that government preparations for October’s catastrophic solar flares have been “to only limited avail.” The flares’ results, he said, are known casually throughout the global intelligence community as “the killshot.”
Remote viewers employed by the CIA’s Project Stargate use their ability to perceive geographically and chronologically distant events to protect America. Since 1999 they have known about the solar-flare event but have been threatened into silence by enforcers on the secret government’s payroll.
As a part of hiring Snowden as a contractor, the NSA granted the 30-year-old access to all communications on earth. Now he has provided The Internet Chronicle with top-secret Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) documents outlining just how terrible the solar flares’ results will be. In just three months, “the killshot” is set to disable all electronic food and water delivery systems.
Ever since the late 20th century, hundreds of millions of people have begun to rely on technological automation to enable their very lives. Solar flares release electromagnetic pulses, hazardous to electronic circuits. The smallest electronic circuits, such as those in computers’ central processing units, will be the most vulnerable.
Snowden said FEMA and the National Disaster Reduction Center of China have been taking steps for 14 years in light of the findings of Project Stargate. FEMA’s own documents, provided by Snowden, lay out how the organization plans to round up tens of millions of the poorest Americans for housing at secure locations “to better facilitate feeding and provision of consumer goods.”
Snowden, for years a CIA contractor, released testimonials from hundreds of remote viewers. Many of those remote viewers are still on the payroll of the governments of the United States and the Russian Federation. Those testimonials, though written independently by the analysts, are comprised of 4,472 pages, every single one of which, alarmingly, evince Snowden’s account.
“The massive electromagnetic pulse from the solar flares, or ‘the killshot,’ will shutter most of the world’s electrical systems,” said Snowden. “The Americans whose lives are most at risk are the elderly and the infirmed, those who depend on technology to enable their receiving home care or life-sustaining medical treatment.”
Throughout the 1970s and the 1990s, Russia and the United States were desperate to track and monitor the construction and maintenance of each other’s nuclear silos. The nations’ governments openly admitted having poured billions of dollars into the training of elite teams of remote viewers. With their powers, the remote viewers were able to deter nuclear launches and, ultimately, bring an end to the Cold War. In the mid-’90s, the CIA simply pretended to close its remote-viewing program, so that it could operate more effectively.
Snowden said he hopes that his coming forward will allow Project Stargate’s participants to be able to live normal, open lives again, “instead of as circus animals, instead of as freaks.” He added, “[Significant others of Project Stargate employees] have to get Q clearances just to cohabitate with, without even marrying, their loved ones. That’s tantamount to slavery.”
Humanity is about to pay a most dire price for its technological dependence. That price, said Snowden, proved a leading factor in his decision to come forward to the press – about both the global Holocaust to ensue, as well as NSA analysts’ power, on the slightest whim, to listen to the phone calls of any person on earth.
Snowden said, with regard to CIA remote viewers, “I have seen too many brave whistleblowers become subjects of smear and ridicule for using their talents to expose the truth.” Added Snowden, bitterly, “Well, we’ll see who’s Mr. Chuckles when ‘the killshot’ goes down.”
WikiLeaks attorneys; and Anatoly Kucherena, Snowden’s own counsel, together produced a video calling for calm and global preparedness. Monday, Snowden sent the video, below, to the Russian Federal Migration Service as part of his call for asylum.
Sakawa relies on Juju priests who often cast curses and charge terrible prices for their blessing.
Have your earnings from Sakawa gone dry? Has your Juju shaman failed once again? Are you tired of blood sacrifice, risky rituals, and constantly jumping between Juju priests? Don’t be turned into a dog or found dead from AIDs because of bad Juju! Seek the help of Lord Inglip, greatest digital shaman who presides over the entire Internet and can ensure your Sakawa will bring only the greatest of rewards.
You might be thinking, “Why trust the Internet to Juju? Is this magic real?” This is an understandable objection, but let’s face it: Sakawa mostly takes place on the Internet. While appeasing the gods of the physical world will help with Sakawa success, these gods are inexperienced with bringing blessing to the Internet, which is an entirely new realm. Only Inglip was born inside the Internet, and only a sacred few prophets and holy men know how to appease his hunger. When Inglip is hungry, all the Sakawa in the world will not bring you money–he eats all your profits!
Luckily, you’ve found the secret that has brought so many Sakawa practitioners the greatest wealth imaginable. The holy men who make sacrifice to Inglip will help you gain riches for a very small price, and send you a token proving the ritual’s success–as well as instructing you on how to best please and appease Lord Inglip, keeping your Sakawa profits skyrocketing.
The best part of making sacrifice to Lord Inglip is the minimal risk involved. No one has ever been diseased or harmed from crossing Inglip; however, at his most wrathful Inglip has been known to destroy computers. Because Inglip only lives inside the Internet, he is only capable of harming computers and not people. However, our priests know Inglip fairly well and can inform you of most activities that will anger him, and your computer should not be at risk.
You can contact Inglip’s high priest by email at [email protected] or on Twitter @kilgoar. We understand that your Sakawa has not been paying well lately, so we only ask a very small price to cover the expenses in making the sacrifice to Inglip. Advice on keeping Inglip pleased will be provided free of charge, making repeated sacrifices to Inglip less necessary.
Cambria Suites at 2pm on March 2nd, “Trick” did not show up to defend himself from the haters.
ROANOKE, VA–Saturday, Chronicle.SU reporters were at Cambria Suites for Patrick “Trick” Shouse’s press conference, but “Trick” was nowhere to be seen. “Trick” was to address haters and explain himself after his “Tattoo Marathon” Facebook event upset local Tattoo enthusiasts. After inquiring with the front desk, we learned no such event had been scheduled.
Since Thursday, when news broke “Trick” was hosting a “Tattoo Party” in his hotel room, tattoo fans across America and Canada have commented on Shouse’s poor work and the unsanitary conditions of his apartment. Addison Shouse, Patrick’s identical twin, has been acting as spokesperson and posting threats of violence to Facebook in a vain attempt to put an end to criticism of “Trick.” However, Trolling analyst Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador said this was just like throwing gasoline onto a fire, “Talking shit on Facebook proves you can’t back your shit up, so it really just excites the trolls.”
Addison Shouse has become totally unhinged, threatening violence at anything that moves.
Patrick “Trick” Shouse’s identical twin posts alleged fines, eviction, and warrants.
Addison posted an image of several documents taped to the front door of his apartment, allegedly representing an eviction, a fine from the health department, other code violations, and a summons to court. While it is not clear whether these are legitimate documents or not, one commenter who claims he reported the incidents to the Shouses’ landlord said the eviction was already pending due to non-payment.
It remains unclear what will happen next, but the Shouse brothers seem upbeat and ready to “bone it to LA” so they can start their lives over in peace. At one point, Addison Shouse attempted to play the Tattoo Marathon off as a joke, but in the very same thread Trick’s Baby’s Momma made it clear that this had indeed become a very unfunny custody issue. Addison’s girlfriend has been publicly supportive, but after facing criticism aimed at her motherhood, she has since changed her sexy facebook avatar over to a more conservative and motherly portrayal of her cradling her sweet baby. She also quoted many bible verses, despite claiming to not be a Christian.
ROANOKE, VA–Patrick “Trick” Shouse, the newest tattoo artist in Roanoke, is hosting a “Tattoo Marathon” at Ruxton Condos on Colonial Avenue this weekend in order to build up his portfolio and spread both AIDS and Hepatitis to as many local residents as possible. The event is advertised as tax and license free, which is why Shouse is able to charge only $20 per tattoo.
Shouse appeared in the following video which was used to advertise the tattoo party, mere minutes after purchasing his first tattoo kit.
Local tattoo fans stormed the Facebook page for this event, teasing Trick, who quickly became enraged and said, “Your [sic] stoners with caveman tools ripping people off,” despite the fact that he brazenly and openly vaporized marijuana while tattooing his ankle, possibly contaminating himself with deadly MRSA.
Despite the haters, Trick was able to afford a Master Suite at the local Cambria Suites, which had a “bangin” view of the Roanoke Star. A small pile of one and five dollar bills in the video attest to the fact that this extravagance only almost depleted Trick’s fat stacks.
Shouse and his twin brother scheduled a second event to address haters at Cambria Suites this Saturday at 2pm. Shouse can be reached at 540-425-0808 if you would like to schedule an appointment.
Investigators have found Shouse was recently released from a stint in jail, after being arrested for sharing videos of his graffiti career on YouTube.
Acting Attorney General Neal Katyal, who this week outlined the administration’s shift from state-based health care exchanges to “chilling out”
WASHINGTON — Friday morning Acting Attorney General Neal Katyal announced that the Obama administration would be backpedaling from its take on the commerce clause to forward the “holy, righteous cause” of recreational cannabis legalization. Bolstered by praise from Colorado and Washington state Democratic leaders, and directives from the highest echelons of the Obama administration, Mr. Katyal announced in a press conference that the results of the landmark case Gonzales vs. Raich were “not cool” and were keeping millions of Americans from “chilling out” and “lighting up, man.”
Reached by phone in his Fairfax office at George Mason University Law School, Professor Michael Greve said the new anti-commandeering stance would prove exciting to Libertarian Party devotees at the Mercatur Institute and millions of drug-addled American liberals, most of whom are dependent on federal largesse for their barest subsistence.
“The Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act,” said Mr. Greve, “established a conditional pre-emption regime in which the federal government told the states, ‘establish an exchange or we will do it for you.'” Following 18 more conservative states having in essence told the government to come in and establish exchanges, Mr. Greve said, “these states have told the federal government to take responsibility for the inevitable failure of these health care regimes.”
Mr. Katyal said in a press conference Friday morning, “As long as Congress refuses to act to deschedule cannabis from the same tier as heroin — come on, heroin, people — the administration must act.” The administration’s tight, 180-degree turn came on the heel of several online townterviews, during which poll respondents consistently begged the administration to cease the notoriously racist drug war. In his weekly address today, a visibly intoxicated President Barack Obama spoke to his office webcam in a cloud of smoke, admitting, “Millions of toothless Southern and Midwestern Americans, who will never vote for me, anyway, versus a good time for the peace-loving denizens of Colorado and Washington state? That’s an easy choice for me, bra.”
Following an on-screen hit from a gravity bong haphazardly constructed from a Chicago Bears novelty cup, which the 51-year-old U.S. president described as “vicious,” he said, “I realize the insane hypocrisy of my having smoked marijuana for recreation before overseeing a federal regime that incarcerates millions of Americans — particularly African-Americans — in such record numbers. Something had to be done, and I have directed the Department of Justice to just scrap this health care reform thing.”
Attorney General Eric Holder released a statement saying he now concedes that “all of these Republican attorneys general, they’re right, man. Just as we can’t force these conservative states to establish exchanges, we also can’t use the commerce clause to force this horrible drug war down the throats of Colorado and Washington citizens. The voters have spoken. Let freedom reign.”
House Whip Steny Hoyer (D-MD), speaking to Politico, said that the legislative slowdown that faced descheduling cannabis was fueled by an ambiguity around the level of taxation that the illicit industrial psychoactive crop should receive. “If we had chosen to tax it too high, we would fuel black market activity. If we had voted to tax it too low, we just wouldn’t be taking our deficit seriously, and that would be unpatriotic.”
Internet Chronicle legal analysts have long predicted that the landmark Gonzales case would prove problematic for the Obama administration’s main objective — even if that objective were only background or covert — of legalizing the sticky-icky. In the wake of this decision, Iran and Russia are expected to overtake within weeks the United States in terms of arbitrary and/or politically motivated incarceration.