Violent J of the Insane Clown Posse diagnosed with skin cancer

Here is a rare photo of “Violent J” without his carcinogenic face-paint.

DETROIT, MICH. — Joseph Bruce, aka Violent J, founding member of the Insane Clown Posse, released a statement to fans Friday canceling further tour dates pending his recovery from skin cancer. Doctors say the cancer was caused by carcinogens in the oil-based “dark carnival” style face paint, which Bruce wore at home and for all public appearances.

Oncologist Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour said, “Sadly, the face paint not only caused the skin cancer but it also hid the tell-tale signs of growth before the tumor became deadly. Violent J is putting up a strong fight, but at this stage his chances of survival are slim.”

Over the course of a year, the survival rate for skin cancer that has progressed to this stage on the face is estimated at about 10 percent. “We’re hoping for a magical miracle,” said Michelle “Sugar Slam” Rapp, Bruce’s babies’ momma.

Shaggy 2 Dope, another member of the Insane Clown Posse rap group, stated “I’m switchin’ to motherfuckin’ safe face paints from now on. All you other juggalos out there, spray-paintin’ yourselves ‘n shit, y’all need to get real. Clown makeup ain’t no joke no more. Woop woop!”

Fans of the Insane Clown Posse were recently declared a gang by the FBI, and crimes by so-called “Juggalos” now carry extra sentences in some urban areas.

 

Nutritionist declares recent poop a success

Dr. Angstrom H. Troubedaur

Dr. Angstrom H. Troubedaur enjoyed a “soft, but firm” poop Thursday.

In what might have otherwise been an uneventful bowel movement, Chronicle nutritionist Dr. Angstrom H. Troubedaur noticed a peculiar softness and consistency in Thursday’s stool, such that he was moved to turn around and declare the specimen “a major success.”

“A major success.”

Dr. Troubedaur said he was thumbing a medical journal when he recognized what he called “true anal progress.” Troubedauer explained, “I was just sitting there [on the ceramic throne] minding my own business, thumbing through a medical journal when I detected with my sphincter a consistency most desirable in human waste. Yes sir, this poop was a major success.”

Dr. Troubedaur described the poop as brown in color with the consistency of “a snake sliding through the grass,” which then “crept stealthily into the water.” Dr. Troubedaur said he was relieved to report the noted absence of a splash, because he dislikes the sensation of cold dirty toilet water lapping at his butthole. “After a good poop, [cold water in your ass] just feels like a bad joke,” he added.

Dr. Troubedaur said he anticipates a fifteen follow-up wiping session “that could lead to a shower” in order to avoid wasting more toilet paper.

New Miracle breakthrough drug containing dead baby flesh “adds years” to your sex life

Knock-off baby dust pills "not as good as the real thing"SEOUL – A New Miracle™ breakthrough coming out of Lebal Drocer Laboratories and Pharmaceuticals that promises to beat competitors by curing erectile dysfunction as well as performance anxiety, “whiskey-dick” and numerous other problems with male genitalia, has men a-Twitter in the shadow of their own sexual inability.

Said 44-year-old Richmond, Virginia trucker Gary Malosky, “I’m just happy something came along to repair all this damage I done to my pecker abusing stimulants to stay awake on them 13-hour-long drives.”

Already, Chinese piracy is ravaging the good, honest American profiteering of Lebal Drocer, known around the world for bringing you the finest in male enhancement supplements that get your cock rock hard. The knock-off pills being smuggled around the Republic of Korea are a profitable by-product of forced Communist Chinese abortions. Inside capsules comprised of old strips of leather is a tightly packed concentration of powder made from raw fetus and baby parts, which are chopped up and ground into a fine dust. The problem with this is Chinese abortions are an inferior source of baby dust, unlike American range-fed white babies brought to full term in a controlled environment.

American Free Range (TM) by Lebal Drocer

American Free Range (TM) children grow up to make better, wetter baby dust.

BUYER BEWARE

THOUGH THESE PILLS CONTAIN THE DEAD BABY DUST YOUR BODY IS ALREADY ACCUSTOMED TO, THE PILLS BEING TRADED OUT OF SOUTH KOREA ARE NOT THE SAME AS THE OFFICIAL MALE ENHANCEMENT BABY DUST PILLS SOLD BY LEBAL DROCER. SOME USERS HAVE INGESTED A RARE SUPERBACTERIA FOUND ONLY IN CHINESE INFANTS USED IN THE INFERIOR PILL-MAKING PROCESS TAILORED TO THE EASTERN BLACK MARKET.

Hard-core users have chosen to crush and snort the baby dust pills for instant gratification. This is dangerous, however, because the pills are oftentimes made in China and therefore contain high levels of chromium, a toxic element used as a “wood preservative” but not in the member-hardening way originally intended by Lebal Drocer Pharmaceuticals.

Lebal Drocer Spokesman Raleigh Theodore Sakers told Chronicle.su the chromium found in his patented male enhancement pill is “safe enough for human ingestion through the stomach,” but he warned users the drug, if snorted, “will go straight to the brain, causing immediate, satisfying erections with the very likely possibility of sudden death.”

“I recommend it… Highly.”

Dr. Angstrom H. Troubedaur

THIS JUST IN

NEW FROM LEBAL DROCER PHARMACEUTICALS!

BABY DUST LOTION

Baby Dust Lotion by Lebal Drocer Pharmaceuticals

“We make you sick, and then we make you better.” –The Lebal Drocer Promise

“Try the new Baby Dust Lotion and satisfy her in bed all night long! This new paste comes with the Chinese Communist Lebal Drocer guarantee she will ‘love you long time!'”

Raleigh T. Sakers, Lebal Drocer, Inc.

Just rub it on your limp cock!

It’ll grow bigger. Guaranteed!

Ask your doctor about the New Miracle™ breakthrough male enhancement product guaranteed to change your sex life today!

This message is brought to you ceremoniously by Lebal Drocer, Inc.
We own everything that matters.

Stay tuned for a special message about New Miracle babydust from CHRONICLE.SU’s very own Old Brutus!

<CUE INFOMERCIAL>

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McDonald’s allows employees in Denver to vaporize marijuana

T̙̜̦̦hͅḙy͎͉̙͔'͙͔̜̫r͈e̯͙̠̪̤̦ͅ ̯̟ͅgeͅṭ̱t̲ͅin̦̘g̳̙̱͉̫ ̜̯͕̹̼ͅh̜͚̯̫i͓̩̝̞̰͖̤g̤ͅh̝͉̮, ͉̫̬̮̳͉̞r̝̖̭e͍̼̯͇̖͔ͅa̗͔͈͙l̰̝̣̯̮͙̳l͉̞̣̗͕̥ỵ̲̟ ̬̥͕̺̝h̤i̳̰g̗̪̤h̩̲͖̹.͍͍ W̻̺h͉ͅi͚̙̝l̳̪͚̼͓e̠̪̥͔̲͈ ̯̰̞̲̱͍o͚n̦̝̭̺̟ ̪̰̘̠ț̣̖he ̘͚̹̭̤jo͈͙b̬͓̞͙.

DENVER- Offices across America have begun to allow indoor use of “e-cigs,” the popular battery-powered nicotine vaporizers. Medical marijuana patients employed at McDonald’s corporate office in Denver complained it was unfair for them to now step outside, provided they use the same vaporizer technology for their entirely non-recreational drug-taking.

Critics are fearful that marijuana will become a “normal” part of American life, and this is just one more step down the slippery-slope to a nation of people who sit around in front of televisions eating way too much food while actually laughing at Family Guy.

Medicinal Marijuana patient and Human Resource official for McDonalds Sidney McSherron said, “My days at work sitting on the computer watching YouTube are just that much better now.”

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Report: Kim Jong Un a clone of Kim Jong Il

Yes, Kim Jong Un is a clone of Kim Jong Il

Reports from within the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea claim that Kim Jong Il successfully cloned himself sometime in the 80’s using a crude, but effective technique widely available at the time. Kim Jong Un was the only survivor after thousands of failed attempts.

Kim Jong Un is virtually indistinguishable from depictions of Kim Jong Il at the same age, except that he is slightly more overweight. This is, of course, a product of North Korea’s economic successes and in no way a genetic factor.

As reports of the cloning spread throughout North Korea, citizens are wildly celebrating a future of endless military and economic victories thanks to the survival of their now immortal leader.

Western powers fear the nuclear-armed Kim Jong-Un, successor to the great empire of Korea. Unification of Korea will follow shortly, as the world applauds the greatness of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea.

Miley Cyrus announces she is pregnant at press conference in Los Angeles

Teen idol and Hanna Montana star, Miley Cyrus, announced today that she is two months pregnant with Australian actor Liam Hemsworth’s child. Cyrus held a special press conference in Los Angeles, taking time to emphasize the importance of safe sex and abstinence for teens. When asked by a reporter if her pregnancy was planned, Cyrus said only, “Me and Liam are happy for this unexpected blessing.”

Miley likely succumbed to her baser instincts after using Salvia Divinorum, a legal drug which is known to cause innocent young women to crave sexual intercourse. Numerous reports of Miley’s prolific Salvia use have surfaced in the past, such as this video of her taking a bong rip.

Miley’s father, Billy Ray Cyrus was not present at his daughter’s press conference, and when questioned about his daughter’s pregnancy via Twitter, Cyrus tweeted the following:

Miley’s shocking announcement comes on the heels of an unprecedented move by health secretary, Kathleen Sibelius, banning over the counter sales of the “morning after pill” to girls under the age of 17. For all the young women out there dealing with rampant Salvia abuse and images of “creampies” fetishized by the media, this news is decidedly terrible.

Dating Advice: from Doctor Angstrom H. Troubedaur

Dr. Angstrom H. TroubedaurHey, what’s up fellow dudes?

I’m here to chill on a problem that has plagued humanity since the dawn of the Internet: Dating.

Now, there are an unlimited number of ways to date, and many cultures have backward traditions different from our own. But this doesn’t mean it has to be impossible! Perhaps some of us young American men have just forgotten how to hunt.

After decades of studying human behavior, I’ve come up with a short list of do’s and dont’s – and some other shit that is sure to land you the kind of submissive sex object you think you desire. That is, of course, before she backstabs you like a bitch whore, which always happens 100% of the time. Am I right, dudes?

When dating, here are seven things you should definitely do:

1. Repeatedly send her friend requests on Facebook. This demonstrates persistence, showing her you are dedicated and ready for a worthwhile mate. Make status updates that passingly reference her and her interests. Mirror her personality in every way that you can. She will appreciate this.

2. Find out where she hangs out, and go there. Be careful not to approach her right away; instead, take the time to study her habits and personality so you can best approach her successfully.

3. Make joking insults about her in the company of others. She will be impressed with your edgy sense of humor.

4. Once you’re “in,” be as cold and emotionally distant as possible. She will grow to crave your emotional warmth more and more, and you can use this as a “power tool” to control her behavior.

5. Keep a clean apartment. If a woman comes over and sees that it is dirty, her feminine instincts will cause her to resent you because she will assume it is her obligation to clean it. Even though it is, you want to wait till she is completely submissive before allowing her the cleaning duties she naturally desires.

6. Constantly be on the lookout for any clues that might suggest insubordination. All women will naturally want to cheat on you and eventually break up with you. Be prepared for this and stamp it out ahead of time, if you can.

7. It is your job to predict the many unseen forces which are at work. As the relationship finally fails, it may dawn on you that it is your fault for lacking knowledge of her indiscretions. It is never too late to go through her email. Install a keylogger on her computer. This will give you valuable insights into her opinion of you and let you know for sure whether or not she is cheating on you yet.

Is your love interest microwaved or prepared fresh on the stove? Try to avoid doing any of the following while on your first hot date, to keep it from getting cold:

Under NO circumstance should you:

1. Reveal that you are human. This is off-putting and violates a woman’s natural boundaries.

2. Freely voice your opinion. If anything you say is objectionable, the lady twirling her martini across the table from you may shut down, or go into hibernation – and you’ll be stuck paying the full bill without a hope in the world of even touching her breasts.

3. Be quiet. But also try not to talk about yourself. Women just don’t give a fuck. If you can’t think of anything else to say, ask about her obsession with cats. Once she starts flapping her gums, you can zone back out again. Picture yourself playing Minecraft while she babbles on about her meaningless life.

4. Reveal your juvenile hobbies, such as comic books or videogames. This is a glaring signal that you are not yet disconnected from your worthless past. This is known to later cause feelings of tension or guilt in the female mind after she recognizes she is not only destroying you as a human being, but your inner child as well.

5. Let on like you are responsible with money. She will assume you’re poor and unable to buy her luxuries. Luxuries are the only thing women really care about in life, other than cats, so before you reveal even a shade of frugality, consider stealing jewelry and clothing from Macy’s.

6. Take “no” for an answer. This is self-explanatory.

7. Get bitter because you are an unlovable, abusive monster. If she can’t accept you for who you are, then she can GET FUCKED, like the little SLUT she IS.

Be on the lookout for the woman who:

1. Doesn’t eat, abuses serious drugs. This is a sign she needs help. Let somebody else deal with it. She’s probably got AIDS anyway.

2. Has children. She will eventually expect you to adopt it. That’s heavy shit, bro.

3. Wants commitment. You’re a wild eagle, man. And eagles gotta be free.

4. Is vegetarian, vegan, religious, political, or otherwise predisposed to strong beliefs of any kind. Eventually, she will force her beliefs upon you and that just won’t do. This is also a sign of independent thought, which is anathema to a healthy relationship.

5. Is against abortion. Since you never use a condom, she will have to be down with the coat hanger one way or another.

If you catch her reading this list[http://www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/manipulator/redflaglist.shtml], or anything like it, immediately forbid her from the internet! Material like this will nullify all the do’s and dont’s, inevitably leading your pet girlfriend to think for herself, dissolving her love for you.

Toast Sandwich craze sweeps Britain

The Chef serves up a piece of toast, cleverly sandwiched between two pieces of untoasted bread. (This image is used without permission)

The Royal Society of Chemistry unveiled a delicious new sandwich, rediscovered from the golden Victorian era. The toast sandwich, a piece of toast between two pieces of untoasted bread, is touted as the cheapest lunch possible. UK residents have celebrated this incredible discovery by throwing lavish toast sandwich parties, as they are finally able to afford to eat a healthy meal full of necessary vitamins and minerals.

Gerard Loffington-Starkley spoke high praise of his new favorite meal, “I fucking love toast sandwiches they taste so fucking good and saved me enough money to finally afford toothpaste. Hopefully in another week my gums will stop bleeding from all this fucking toast I eat at every single meal!”

The Royal Society of Chemistry has offered an extremely generous reward of £200 for anyone who can come up with a cheaper meal. Some have already suggested cutting the toast sandwich to only one piece of bread, but the Royal Society has denied such innovators any reward. Lord of Chemistry, Sir Mitchell Dunkworthington III, said “That doesn’t even count as a different type of sandwich, it’s just the same thing with less bread. No prize.”

Austerity is finally coming full circle for the people of Great Britain, and with ingenious ideas like the toast sandwich, the British empire may finally be seeing a glimmer of hope for the end of this terrible economic collapse.

Recreational Drug Advice from Doctor Angstrom H. Troubedaur

Dr. Angstrom H. TroubedaurHey, what’s up fellow dudes! It’s been a while since we last spoke but I’m clean now, and all my tests have been coming back negative so they said I can do this again.

Let’s get down to business. Your health. I need you to feel this great new idea I came up with. It’s the totally legal and healthy way to get high since pot is still against the law. It’s so simple your mother can do it using materials you’ve already got laying around the house – but it really works!

  • First, what you wanna do – is you wanna take a few Benadryl allergy capsules – as many as you want – these can’t kill you!
  • then wash it down with a Red Bull![pullquote]Benadryl and Red Bull is like 5 hour energy that makes you feel wrong.[/pullquote]
  • every once in a while check your blood pressure, but really just try not to sweat it
  • Ignore hunger for youtube for added weight loss benefits.
  • You’ll wanna save room for medicine which after a short while should become all you really want, anyway!

You’ll feel totally groovy and you’ll swear people like you better too!

It gives you energy and mellows you out, which is perfect for school teachers and safe for children.

Oh, last but not least:
Try not to operate heavy machinery unless you’ve had a LOT of pills!