TERRORISTS HATE HIM! AMERICANS STAY CONSTANTLY AFRAID USING THIS SIMPLE TRICK
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Our loyal and intelligent readers do not trust the government. You know there is such a thing as Absolute Truth, and Facts are Facts. TerrorMax keeps your spine pointed straight up, aligned to the North Star, a point of light astronomers have studied for centuries. The North Star is a trusted point of reference for everyone from Jesus to Napoleon. Patriots may trust Jesus. You trust no one.
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Like LSD, TerrorMax permanently changes your DNA, heightening your lineage’s sensitivity to fear, promoting survival and enhancing the human experience of terror.
TerrorMax gives you the energy to stay awake through the night. It enhances night vision, allowing you to scan the horizon for threats of terror. TerrorMax builds awareness of your surroundings. Is that a laser gun-sight or a cell tower? On TerrorMax, you can focus on a point of light up to 14 miles away, with perfect clarity.
Every bottle of TerrorMax comes with a TerrorMax Steam key, enabling you to download the TerrorMax Terror Alert Center client for Mac and PC. The Terror Alert Center™ lets you rant hatefully into your webcam microphone about unseen enemies of the state who are jealous of your freedom. Be a Patriot. Spy on your neighbors. Report unAmerican activities to the White House straight from your PC!
Even medical experts don’t know how TerrorMax works.
“It just … works.”
-Dr. Angstrom H. Terrordour, M.D.
TerrorMax gives world leaders the courage to deploy troops and assassinate “innocent” (non-American) dissidents abroad.
“I’m Terry McAuliffe, and I prefer TerrorMax to AnataBloc. It helps me think and raises my awareness. We should look into [TerrorMax].” -Virginia Gov. Terry McAuliffe (D), Governor of Va.
TerrorMax is not a dietary supplement, and is not regulated by the FDA. TerrorMax has been associated with tremors, seizures, and sleeplessness. If you experience a terror lasting four years or more, do not stop taking TerrorMax. Stopping TerrorMax cold turkey is shown to lead to seizure or death. Instead, vote for a Democrat. If you already voted Democrat – and continue to experience incessant terror – wait four years, and vote Republican. Once you take TerrorMax, you can not stop. In rare cases, some TerrorMax users report difficulty urinating, and permanent disruption of their sleep cycle. If you are unable to urinate while using TerrorMax, consult your Catastrophic Healthcare Options to learn which Death Panel is right for you.
Intentional Exposure: Dr. Sheikh Umar Khan was murdered while fighting Western efforts to spread the deadly ebola virus through Sierra Leone.
Sierra Leone – Ebola is being used as a bio-weapon against dissidents in Western Africa who oppose Western influence, investigators report. New evidence even suggests many of the dead were connected to environmental movements in connection with an ongoing social revolution in the area.
“This is a disaster by design,” an investigator said, who asked to remain anonymous. “It’s really sad to see innocent victims dying for profit. But I should point out that we are used to it, because this is West Africa. Dr. Shiekh Umar Khan was targeted for assassination.”
“The police are watching me type this right now,” he said in an email. “There is literally nothing I can say to you they haven’t already read. By virtue of the fact I am not dead right now, the material has been vetted and approved for your consumption,” he stated. “Because we are safe to discuss NSA leaks, there are even scarier things happen that nobody is talking about. Khan’s assassins were clever to expose him to the very disease he was working to prevent. They arranged this ‘accident.'”
Chronicle staff is receiving up-to-the-minute investigative reports from inside Liberia that many victims of the “ebola virus” were organizing anti-corporate demonstrations. Radical community organizers against West African deforestation turned up dead after being exposed to the virus, although the source of the outbreak can not be identified. Two Americans exposed to the virus are being deported to the mainland so effects of the virus can be studied.
Our source warned that any person tangentially connected to anti-government and anti-corporate activity, conversations and rhetoric are subject to intentional ebola exposure by ‘unknown persons.’
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“This isn’t a game.” – Raleigh T. Sakers
Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour, an investigator with the South African chapter of the World Health Organization, said the battle between the US and China to transform Africa into tomorrow’s sweatshop has turned the region into a proxy warzone, a diseased hellstate.
“The whole point of asymmetrical warfare is to defeat your enemy from within,” Troubadour said. “If asymmetrical warfare is going to be successful, then first you must compromise the country’s defenses against invasion.”
Troubadour said the government is targeting infrastructure, starting with hospital workers who could have prevented the disease from growing into a pandemic.
“They’re after hospitals, schools, our electric grid, our power supplies – our water supply,” Troubadour said. “They have to affect the degeneration from inside each African state. Khan’s death is just one example of many. Dead civilians create a backdrop of reality, giving you the sense that this is really happening.”
Portrait of a killer: What drove Barack Obama to senseless murder?
Brought to you patriotically by Lebal Drocer, Inc.
‘Sup fellas! Six years into President Barack Obama’s indefinite rule, ‘the drone strike madman’ recently executed a series high-profile civilian murders referred to by analysts as “the Columbine of the Middle East.” Needless to say, Barry’s got a few of us here at the Chronicle wondering, “Dude, what did those weddings ever do to you?”
I’m Dr. Angstrom H. Trubadeur, and I have a Ph.D in child psychology. I have been watching Barack Obama for warning signs of a troubled childhood, and I am sad to report our “P” is extremely disturbed as a result of exposure to hyperviolent videogames.
For more than 30 years, I have studied the effects on violent videogames on children like Barry. I have published studies in Nature, New Scientist and The Internet Chronicle explaining how and why videogames negatively affect people’s behavior; how it affects their minds; how it affects their worldview; and in this case, how violent videogames led to the most unrelenting series of terrorist attacks ever conducted in human history.
As part of a crack team of Chronicle researchers, we are all searching for an answer to the same question: Why you gotta kill so many innocent people, Barry?
Former Sec. of Defense Donald Rumsfeld said Modern Warfare 2 would trigger “anger blackouts” in Barack and he became inconsolable until an innocent victim died in a simulated explosion.
“Barry used to play that predator drone mission over and over again,” Rumsfeld said. “We thought nothing of it, at the time. But little did we know, Barack Obama would go on to be even more evil – and less human – than I am.”
You can still see his eyes flicker every so often, as Barry reminds himself and others to ‘stay frosty.’
Former Chief of Staff Angel Hyatt said Obama used to sit in his office at ACORN all day, deliberating with Penultimo over whether to pay the USSR immediately, or in bi-annual installments.
“You could tell he really wanted to become a hardline dictator someday,” Hyatt said. “Videogames allowed him to do that in a safe environment. Now that he’s president, who knows what dormant perversions lie in wait.”
Hyatt added that Barry’s success at Tropico was owed to the early issue of the Wiretapping and Secret Police edicts, available after appointing a Minister of Defense. “No uprisings here!” Barry gleefully announced.
“I’m looking at Obama for a fourth term,” Hyatt said. “He seems to enjoy the human bed.”
This is the first Coke Fiend to feature a secret spousal abuse mini-game.
Barry loved every aspect of drug dealing: the profiteering, the exploitation, drug abuse – you name it. It certainly explains a lot about all the guns the CIA runs through Mexico.
His affinity for Coke Fiend 3 was more of a byproduct of an existing history of powermongering. There is little evidence to suggest the Coke Fiend game series led to an increase in Obama’s drug crimes, but Barry was encouraged to commit racist hate crimes against Haitian ‘marks’ that he still can not talk about today without flying into a celebrated “blind rage mode.”
Both parents admitted he was never the same after playing this MA-17 Rated game.
Benghazi Cover-Up Simulator 2014
Your main character powers up when FOX News discredits a legitimate search for answers by participating in it.
Barry may have hardened his icy demeanor – and cold, unchanging gaze – by advancing a virtual political agenda in this gross negligence simulator.
Barry got the multiplayer expansion during a Steam Summer Sale and invited Sec. of State Hillary Clinton to play the game with him. During that time, they developed a perverse, destructive relationship at the center of an ever-expanding web of lies.
Nothing else could explain Barry’s insatiable lust for power and corporate servitude than his bottomless addiction to EVE Online.
Thousands of hours of dedication to this space-capitalism MMO may have put Barry – and our nation – on a direct path to unchecked neoliberalism. EVE Online is a libertarian hellscape beyond the imagination of anything Ayn Rand could have ever invented.
Hyatt said Barry came out of the experience with a new vision: To turn America into a new center of commerce, in which millions – perhaps hundreds of millions – could participate voluntarily in their own enslavement.
With the illusion of choice and control, Barry sustains corporate livelihood with an economic model no other country can live up to: unregulated industrialization of covert prisons and warfare, fed by increasing the necessity of war itself.
Without EVE Online and the addictive hyperviolence of Coke Fiend 3, America’s 44th president might have been a man of the people. But as a result of overexposure to gruesome, sexual imagery he is neither man, nor person.
Sup fellow dudes! I have come up with a totally badass plan to get you ready for the summertime. By following these 10 easy tips, you can battle the blistering heat coming off that god damn life-giving star in the sky.
1. Skin Cancer
Got an itchy mole? It might be cancer! Fear not, for Spring has sprung, and it’s never too late for fun in the sun. In fact, most scholars are paid to agree that a few hours in direct sunlight can dry up skin deformities. Take a nap on the river! It might just dry that worrisome mole right out. Don’t stand in front of a mirror worrying about $1,000 medical bills. If you’re an American like me, then chances are you can safely ignore the problem until it goes away. It worked for my marriage!
Are you tired all the time? Well, if it isn’t skin cancer, then it could mean you probably drink too much / too little caffeine. The key to any good wellness program is dialing in the perfect regimen of caffeine for your body. You’ll find that over time, this dosage might increase but it’s advantageous to your health to start each morning with a triple espresso and a 20 oz. bottle of Coke, and then see what you need from there. How much is too much? Your thyroid can tell you that.
3. Be Heart Smart
Are you having heart palpitations? Don’t be so fast to judge: Instead of blaming the caffeine as doctors are wont to do, it could be that you are suffering from stress. Stress is common in men going through tough relationships. It can be difficult to juggle work, the wife, bowling night, kids and the girlfriend. Stress kills. If you suffer from stress, figure out which one of these factors causes you the most stress, and strike it out of your life. Don’t be afraid of what might happen if you shut out the mistress, or cut kids from your will. What’s important right now is You. Trust me. I’m a doctor.
Families are a breeding ground for heart disease. One of these risk factors has to go.
It can be difficult to stay hydrated in the hot summer months. Be sure to drink plenty of energy drinks and beer to help you stay cool, colorful and refreshed. With the inclusion of beer into your morning energy drink, your family will love your newfound good humor and confidence.
5. Get healthy. Get drunk!
Worried about what healthy options to serve at the 4th of July cookout? A pound of red meat and hotdogs might be patriotic, but it can also clog up your fragile American colon. Wash that burger down with eight ounces of greens and a pint of beer. The greens will scrape the meat off your bowels and the beer will dissolve it like soda, except it’ll get you drunk, too!
6. Hearing Protection Looks Stupid And Hurts Your Ears, Too
When shooting guns, be careful with ear protection. It can get pretty uncomfortable wearing ear muffs for hours at a time, and it can even chafe the skin, so don’t be afraid to take them off and let freedom ring out into the night. The high tone in your ears is like the chimes of freedom: piercing, violent and oftentimes oppressive. It is your patriotic duty to hear them, and make others hear it, too. Enjoy those sounds now, for you may never hear the same frequency again.
7. Party Hard, Sleep Harder
Taking plenty of Benadryl before bed can help you catch up on much-needed heavy, medicated sleep. Take yourself about eight of these tiny, pink allergy tablets to enjoy up to nine(!) hours of uninterrupted sleep. If you wake up in the middle of the night, it’s probably because you are suffering from pulmonary edema and/or cardiogenic shock. (You shouldn’t have taken so many Benadryl, dude!) If this happens, don’t forget to breathe.
It might look like this woman is in a coma, but she’s having the best sleep of her life.
8. Get Faded
Now that you’re on Obamacare, you can stop smoking all that wacky tobaccy and enjoy a cheap, legal high. Tell doctors your feet hurt and watch the vicodin start pouring in! “Beauty is skin-deep.” Smoking damages your skin. But pills only hurt you on the inside.
9. Show The Sun Who Is Boss
Stare directly at the sun until it hurts. Then, look away. This prevents negative thoughts.
10. Don’t Bathe
The most damaging thing we can do to our skin is wash it with acidic soaps and body wash. During the summer, you will naturally sweat and dirt will clog up your pores. The combined dirt and sweat harden fast to create a protective carapace around your flesh. Wear it proudly, and all your friends will remark how smart you are. And healthy!
I wake up late in the morning to the sound of my 10/10 Asian girlfriend, who’s crying because while I was asleep I wasn’t having sex with her.
Then, responding to what sounds and feels to them like rape, the neighbors call police to my multimillion-dollar mansion.
The police however can not reach my driveway because their senses alert them to a powerful pheromone cloud. The men instead park the cruiser one mile away and engage in mutual masturbation, weeping openly as they try to imagine the impossible glory of what I must be doing.
After impregnating my girlfriend for the 24th time in two weeks, I leave her money for cab fare and dismiss her from my presence.
I am cis-alpha so I do not address the zygote factory by name. I instead communicate through a series of powerful grunting orgasms until she can no longer bear another pattern of instant repeated childbirth. She leaves to begin preparing my dinner, which takes a full eight hours of back-breaking manual labor.
I signify my intention to earn more capital by forming an erection so intense that my heartbeat compels a closet-mistress to emerge from behind a screen and dress me in brown slacks, aged leather penny-loafers and a denim collared shirt. But because of the complexly masculine act of tying a tie, I must commit a small effort to achieve my own double-windsor knot.
I usually smoke a cigar as I ride my Anniversary Edition Harley-Davidson Fatboy with solid-body front and back wheels to work. Because the protective visor would only get in the way, I do not wear a helmet and I never fall down. And although I wear sunglasses, I stare directly into the sun as a daily exercise of will.
Typically at intersections, I tell women to get off the bike, because I don’t know where they came from and there is hardly time enough for multiple orgasms between there and work. I offer them a chance to breathe my potent musk before my powerful exhaust pipes blow hot oppressive air into their vaginas. And like that, I am gone before they even realize they’re pregnant.
Power-foreclosing on homes all day works up in me an aggressive appetite for meat, so I stop at a steakhouse on the way home from work for whiskey and steer. With my 100% angus burger, I drink an entire bottle of Jameson’s before deciding I may never catch a buzz, so I go home and eat a steak dinner off of my naked girlfriends’ bodies.
Quivering and crying at the sight of my mastecating lantern jaw, the girls orgasm with every bite of cow I take. I ignore their impulses and focus instead on rare video footage of atomic bomb explosions. The girls writhe in some indescribable orgasmic xanadu, powerless to the masculinity of gnawing of flesh. The tsunamic tide of vaginal juices wrecks my home and gives them something to clean up while I rape-fuck the other one into a coma. On my human bed, I close my eyes and dream of the patriarchy.
RICHMOND, Va. – As state and local police bark outrage into TV cameras about ‘drug abuse’ and ‘urban decay’, lamenting spikes in violent crime, one often-overlooked piece of the picture in the war on drugs is the people actually using drugs.
To people like 27-year-old Jeff Norment, the heroin coming down I-75 from Detroit is “a God-send.” Norment says heroin has improved his life considerably, although his point of view is often brushed aside in favor of order and public safety.
“I was eating 20 and 40 pills a day, you name it, I was doing it,” Norment said, looking real cool. “But it was hell on my liver. But now that I’m on heroin – I’m in Heaven!”
Norment argued that the Richmond media – TV news in particular – does not represent all sides of the story, with a tendency to favor police and marginalize victims.
“Typical TV news story: we went to the Richmond police. We went to the state police,” Norment said. “But they didn’t come a-callin’ for old Jeff, saying, ‘Jeff how you liking them drugs?’ Now how are you gonna call that objective journalism and tell me I’m the bad guy?”
Norment argued that his voice is the missing piece of the story of a so-called ‘heroin epidemic’ in Richmond.
“I smoke crack on the reg. I snort dust on the reg. I shoot heroin on the reg, and you don’t see me committing no crimes. I just like me the rush, is all. And I like to lay here on this sofa playing PlayStation.”
Norment, who lives near the Grace Street Police Station, said police knock on his door almost every day – sometimes looking for suspects – sometimes just to break his balls.
“I know it ain’t good for me,” Norment said, rolling his eyes. “They’re always telling me that.”
Norment said if it weren’t for the police, he would have fewer problems.
“Thanks to heroin,” Norment said, “I’ve dodged a few bullets, both figuratively and literally. Shit, heroin even helps me escape the crushing reality of using heroin.”
28-year-old VCU alum Stephen Ascot says heroin affords him a certain lifestyle. The only difference, Ascot said, is that he is not on heroin.
“My weed dealer across the street gets me what I need, but he doesn’t give me heroin,” Ascot said. “I just know he’s going to be there, because he is on heroin.”
Richmond Police Captain Mike Ebert said drugs might feel good now, but addicts will “be pretty sore” about the crackdown on horse pouring in from Detroit.
“It’s easy to get addicted to the stuff, you just put it in your arm,” Ebert said. “But they’re going to be pretty sore about it when there ain’t no more heroin left for sale on the streets, after they do it all up.”
Ebert said his department is working with state police to set up checkpoints along the I-75 corridor to catch heroin traffickers coming down from the Motor City.
“Of course, the stops are designed to appear random,” he said. “But they’re not. We’ll know who to stop.”
This news is brought to you graciously by Lebal Drocer Pharmaceuticals.
Lebal Drocer, Inc Security Advisory-0001:
Multiple Cosmic Vulnerabilities in the Universe
Vendor: Gene Ray (http://timecube.com/)
Product: Cubic Time
Versions affected: ALL
Threat Level: Mauve
Cubic Time is a Reality that posits:
"EARTH HAS 4 CORNER
WITHIN SINGLE ROTATION.
1 of God Is Only 1/4 Of God."
Finding 1: Gene Ray’s Cubic Time Reality is Truth, but suffers from a Remote Logic Collision(RLC). This new class of bugs has been pioneered by Lebal Drocer, Inc,’s Chief Security Researcher, Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador. “From the outsiders perspective, Ray’s Time Cube Reality is the only absolute truth, but after years of analysis of his cryptic, peer-reviewed text and implementing a small simulation of the Time Cube in a isolated setting– I was able to remotely identify a logic collision which could cause catastrophic events.” he says, “I won’t go into how to crash the universe though,” Troubador said with a crooked smile.
“There are, however ways to use RLC vulnerabilities for the good of the universe and, in turn, mankind. One being, if you applied Hawking’s black hole “Apparent Horizon” theory, using it against a rotating XOR cipher with the gravitational constant, the Time Cube would result in a logic collision, leaking “unmangled” data from the black hole. Essentially, the Apparent Horizon/Time Cube RLC attack can be used to “decrypt” lost data from black holes, which Hawking has said was previously retrievable, yet mangled.”
Patch: Vendor contacted, no reply. Go wild, everyone!
Americans are actually RETARDED from
Religious Academia taughtONEism
The ONEist educated with their flawed 1 eye
perspective (opposite eyes overlay) Cyclops
mentality, inflicts static nonpulsatinglogos
as a fictitious queer same sex transformation.
Finding 2: Severe logic flaw in the Time Cube Reality causes cosmic confusion, resulting in Truth segmentation faults to the unaware. Dr. Troubador elaborates, “While Ray’s Time Cube is logically sound at this point, it suffers from a few misconfigurations in its base system of implementation, which can be leveraged to cause a “neuro-modulating Reality slow-torture cluster” to infuse itself into unwitting victims. The logic flaw above shows that Religious Academia teaches oneness, leading to “queer same sex transformations,” which is preposterous, considering God hates fags.”
Patch: Vendor alerted. No response.
Temporary fix/mitigation: Keep reading www.timecube.com for further englightenment.
This advisory has been brought to you by Lebal Drocer, Inc., your very own safe, secure blanket of protection from all dangerous things known and unknown. Purchase our products and pay for our security update subscriptions now, today!
[Editor’s note: Okay, alright now we are going to write this. I smoked a big old fat thing of weed and now we are going to write an article about]
The state of our world
…digital and otherwise – assuming there’s a difference (based on a paper forwarded to me by Kilgoar, I unconsciously pore over the definition of reality. The paper – originally published in a scientific journal, but now Aaron Swarz’d on this subversive website – stipulated that substantial evidence “exists” to suggest reality as we know it is a computer simulation.
The cat pictured above is exhibiting extra-binary political analysis.
Let’s just say for a second that we do live in a computer simulation designed to reproduce (or produce for the very first time) each facet of our existence – from the evolution of the single-celled organism to mankind, or from illiteracy to telekinesis. Let’s assume that every instance of reality exists not only in probability but in practicality. If we are part of “one” simulation then we may infer there possibly could be many others. Perhaps these alternate realities play out in widening variations – even to the extent we no longer recognize existence in its many otherworldly iterations.
Or let’s just say that’s all bullshit. Either way, does a two-party system actually reflect the needs of mankind?
Even fucking binary code “needs” more than 1′s and 0′s to function. Binary needs a processor.
Our false-binary political system does not allow us to recognize what goes on outside that vote – or that the government itself is a sort of processor, and not the result of voting itself. The processor is designed for certain purposes; all of them acted out, at its most basic level, in binary. And that is how America votes (and the results are menacingly consistent). Republican or Democrat, “left” or “right,” this one or that one, the lesser of two evils, and so on … it is by design that these are our choices.
It is of the utmost importance that we question, at every opportunity, what “reality” is, or is not.
To be, or not to be, that is the question—
This is a classic example of pre-computer false binary. I would have sailed out across God’s green ocean, and to hell with revenge and the idolization of one’s enemies.
But Prince Hamlet let himself get wrapped up in the binary when he should have been thinking about wrecking the processors. If you don’t like what your Pentium IV from 1999 is doing, then you don’t delete out a line of code. You replace that motherfucker. I’m talking about a processor revolution, and people don’t think like that. We are taught to think in binary. Yes and no.
So what if you KNEW “everything” was a computer simulation. Wouldn’t you want to play in it? Wouldn’t you be interested in seeing what it can do? Or does being a process relegate us to certain behaviors, certain parameters – certain “rules.” Maybe, right? But isn’t it worth a try?
LOS ANGELES, CA – The popular smartphone application “Snapchat” came under siege last week due to a decimating security breach, which allowed Internet hackers to enumerate 4.6 million user names and their corresponding phone numbers, before being halted by the servers API rate limit. Just as the snappy startup fixed its security faults, there came another blow to the reputation of what has become one of the most popular forms of sending sexually provocative, explicit even, pictures to friends, especially amongst teens.
Saturday, January 4th, the home of Snapchat employee and co-founder Dave Davidson was raided by the FBI, along with the Snapchat office in Los Angeles. When reached for comment, a spokesperson from the FBI’s Los Angeles branch had little to offer, but shed some light on the allegations: “The investigation is ongoing, but we can tell you that Davidson is being held under suspicion of distributing child pornography– pictures of teens he’d gathered from the Snapchat server– and selling them in bulk on what we have dubbed the “darknet,” a haven for pedophiles and Internet hackers, but we got’em this time… We got’em,” he said with a nod.
The “darknet” the agent referred to is a known nickname for the Tor network, which anonymizes Internet traffic and uses its own pseudo-top-level-domains known as “.onions” where anonymous communities are setup to disseminate child porn, atomic bombs and homeopathic cancer cures.
Colleagues of Davidson were shocked to find out what he had done: “He was always staying late, you know, putting in the extra work or so we thought,” said a Snapchat employee, “He always wore a hoodie with “REVENGE PORN” on the back, but we just thought he was being ironic. This is all quite chilling, really.”
“Dry humping” is a form of safe sex not explicitly prohibited by the Bible, a historical and factual document.
INTERNET — Churches across the nation relented under pressure from safe sex advocacy groups, and will no longer teach abstinence-only sex “education.”
Pastor Freida Phelps said, “There’s nothing in the bible against dryhumping, and as far as I can tell, sex with a condom is just dryhumping with penetration. In God’s eyes, that ain’t even sex.”
This comes on the heels of the “Miley and Jesus” episode of Miley’s Grace, the reality television show featuring pop singer Miley Cyrus.
Miley’s Grace follows the pop singer along her painful spiritual attempt to “get right with my Daddy.” Miley told viewers, in a private confessional, “Y’all, I seen God last night, and he came to me and he said ‘You keep Twerkin’ Miley, there’s no sin at all in it,’ and you know what, He’s right. Just cause it feels good don’t mean it’s a sin.”
Already high schools around the nation have reported a problem with teens wearing 99%-waterproof underwear, dryhumping in lounges and during lunch.
Hidden Valley High School Principal Daniel Levins said, “That underwear keeps the kids and their Hot Topic threads clean, but it makes the stench of the fluids much, much worse. Tepid semen sits in that skin-tight reservoir all tight up against their skin and instead of drying out it goes sour. The stink of seminal and vaginal secretions are in the halls, in the classrooms. You can smell it from the parking lot. It’s even worse at the mall, where no one even attempts to put a stop to all the dryhumping.”
Dan Oglesby of the Virginia branch of the Occupational Safety and Health Administration said the utilisation of Axe body spray has only made conditions worse.
“It chokes you up to go in there,” Oglesby explained. “Now it stinks to high heaven like pussy, ball-sweat and cheap perfume. We didn’t have all this when I was in school. What ever happened to pocket pinball?”
Schools around the nation that have been unable to contain the dryhumping are being put on lockdown, in extreme cases. Some fear the latest proclamation from church leaders and Miley Cyrus will turn the school system into a never ending orgy of what is now being promoted as “safe sex education.”
“The kids these days,” Levins said, “they don’t know what’s best for them as well as we adults do. All a kid wants is to feel pleasure derived sexually from their fathers, and now that Miley’s telling everyone that’s okay, it’s like Daddy’s not enough. They’re looking for it anywhere. We’re just trying to contain this horrible, sexy situation.”