HAMBURG, Germany — While the world watched in amazement at the “Hell-in-a-cell” twitter-war between bitter rivals The Tor Project and Pando Daily, a humble researcher named Jacob Appelbalm gave a presentation at the Chaos Computer Clubs’ 31st Congressional hearing, in which the following years Internet agenda was drafted. Appelbalm, most known for his truly original and extraordinary MD5 hash-collision research and his Tor outreach, gave a rousing speech to a crowd of hackers being sslstripped. While Appelbalm and his colleagues work closely with Der Spielgel newspaper in Germany, which is world famous for dropping doxx on the NSA, he pivoted from his usual pandering and pointed to a new enemy within: the Glorious and Infallible Internet Chronicle.
Furious that he didn’t get exclusive Snowden deetz that the Internet Chronicle got, Jacob derided the news outlets ethics saying “The Internet Chronicle pretty much lets anything pass as journalism these days, it’s like they just type shit, don’t redact, don’t hold back documents for 3 years and just don’t give a damn if an article shits the closet.” The crowd cheered as the charismatic man on stage urinated in their ears, “These are the kind of people that I would ass-fuck with a chainsaw.”
Relenting for a moment as the crowds’ tears of joyous manipulation diminished into simpering sobs, he continued “However, from documents that have been gleaned over with a fine tooth comb by everyone here in Germany, it is unfortunate to note that the Internet Chronicleis a real site.” After a few minutes of diddling with his Mac, a slide appeared with a screenshot of http://www.scamadviser.com/is-chronicle.su-a-fake-site.html revealing our trustworthiness.
In closing, Appelbalm rabbled the crowd once again with images of revolution, stating: “These are just the times we live in, we’re going to have to accept the fact that our block-lists will be long and sycophants wide. That’s just the way the Berlin Wall crumbles, y’all.”
In a shocking, but not unprecedented Christmas day network attack, it is difficult to determine just who, in this winter story, is the real Grinch. However, new testimony from an anonymous FBI source under the pseudonym Robert Smith suggests informants are once again behind another round of malicious attacks on corporate America, with the same goal of subjugating and disrupting yet another rogue group of well-meaning winter break hackers.
While a member of LizardMafia – or Lizard Squad as they are also known – told Microsoft their latest attack was designed to encourage better network security for their popular online gaming platform XBOX Live, and for the Sony Playstation Network, by offering free Christmas stress-tests in the form of DDoS attack, FBI communications appear to indicate they already have someone on the inside, inciting the group to stop doing things “for the lulz” and to instead take up “a real cause,” their Christmas attack being the first of more to come. The group claimed they are able to harm the world economy by disabling the NASDAQ. Smith said their informant knows the identities of core players in the group, which could be used to control the group’s behavior in the near future.
Smith said the FBI calls their mole a “high ranking” decision-maker for the group, and have indicated that by changing the group’s trajectory from comic mischief to corporate sabotage, he has steered the LizardMafia right into their legal jurisdiction.
The person authorities are calling the ‘new Sabu’ belongs to ObamaSec, the elite, patriotic hacker group which claimed responsibility for the attack on North Korea’s Internet – a story whose newsworthiness was owed both to the takedown, and existence of, DPRK net infrastructure. Sabu II, Electric Boogaloo negotiated directly with Kim Dotcom, a known gamer.
Kim Dotcom has announced his own heroism after allegedly buying the group off. For now, the LizardMafia has accepted a ransom of 5,000 lifetime memberships to Kim Dotcom’s new, old file sharing service, Megaupload. If the attacks return, however, their agreement with Dotcom becomes invalid, and they will no longer be able to host and share files on his premium website.
An angry flash of pinkish-white light sparked the signal fires of a burgeoning utopia. Evaporated with the rest of humanity were its triumphs, achievements, and star-spangled banners. Its failures, too, burned up in the pulse. The domination, subjugation, torture and genocides behind them, an innocent people survived for some time on rations of Hamburger Helper and expired MREs from the first and last space-age, the year they photographed Gliese.
By the time the thousand-or-so people had stepped out of the capsule, 150 years had lapsed. Infrastructure, homes, museums, municipal buildings, Manhattan, Shanghai – even the village outside the capsule – everything was entirely destroyed. But they knew this was coming…
A series of qualifications determined entry to the capsule. Not all engineers, physicists, and planetary scientists would make it aboard, but let it be said the only people who survived had a career in the humanities, sciences and mathematics. Politicians, good as they were, would not be needed on the other side of the flash. Corporatists, too – sorry to say – were all left behind. Even my family: Though their nurturing smiles were filled only with the best of intentions, they did not come. And neither could I. The society who made it were good for tomorrow. They were educated; indoctrinated, sure, but who could help that? The plan was final, so it hardly mattered at all. On the other side, the same goal filled each head which ached in the true sunlight, its powerful stare. No one looked up.
Outward forever, the grass was green and nothing was dead. For a moment, the younger ones might have felt duped if it weren’t for the plan, taught to them since birth like some faith, a religion. The horticulturists fanned out ahead, staggering and falling to their knees. As mud soaked through their mended blue jeans, they bent further over, and put their faces into the grass. It smelled like nothing from the terrariums they’d studied, deep underground. The children laughed, and followed in suit. No one spoke a word.
An architect and robotics engineer named Phineas Al Serde exited the arched portal and stood leaning against the lead dome. The 100-acre field transformed before his eyes from a rolling green ocean into square sections of concrete, and the gigantic square sections, larger than city blocks, stretched to the sky like gray reeds, hungry for light. He closed his eyes and contemplated suicide.
New Snowden revelation “GODSURGE” gives NSA ability to see everything your computer does – even the screen
Original documents released by Snowden reveal surveillance powers that go beyond root access, and into the hardware of all computer systems everywhere.
The exploit hooks itself into a computer’s boot loader, initiating an “infected” BIOS that is in no way distinguishable from normal computer activity, and can only be discovered through forensic investigation of the physical data chip using electron microscopes.
With GODSURGE, a complex malware loaded by the similarly named malware DEITYBOUNCE, secret agents are able to monitor users’ computer activity – even when the computer is offline – because the malware phones home when users plug back in, reporting activity and filling in historical gaps.
It is safe from an operating system reinstall because it lives on the motherboard, and does not affect the installation at all, remaining undetected by antivirus scanners and even computer scientists.
When Ross Ulbricht was found hiding among the stacks in the Glen Park public library in San Francisco, the 29-year-old Silk Road operator was believed to have covered his tracks perfectly. Speculation is rampant as to how he was really caught.
Neckbeards with no working knowledge of Internet technology hypothesized that an “anonymous” forum post asking for help on specialized messageboard code led unseen internet police to backtrace his IP. It is an unlikely connection, but compelling conspiracy theory, because it is a common supposition that the Internet is a self-referencing, self-cleaning hivemind; but it is far more likely that ubiquitous, self-replicating code that bounces to destinations through “jump hosts” – a self-replicating “Onion Router” of malware – led to his discovery because it tells the NSA exactly what any given computer is doing – or trying to do – without being caught.
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Sierra Leone – Ebola is being used as a bio-weapon against dissidents in Western Africa who oppose Western influence, investigators report. New evidence even suggests many of the dead were connected to environmental movements in connection with an ongoing social revolution in the area.
“This is a disaster by design,” an investigator said, who asked to remain anonymous. “It’s really sad to see innocent victims dying for profit. But I should point out that we are used to it, because this is West Africa. Dr. Shiekh Umar Khan was targeted for assassination.”
“The police are watching me type this right now,” he said in an email. “There is literally nothing I can say to you they haven’t already read. By virtue of the fact I am not dead right now, the material has been vetted and approved for your consumption,” he stated. “Because we are safe to discuss NSA leaks, there are even scarier things happen that nobody is talking about. Khan’s assassins were clever to expose him to the very disease he was working to prevent. They arranged this ‘accident.'”
Chronicle staff is receiving up-to-the-minute investigative reports from inside Liberia that many victims of the “ebola virus” were organizing anti-corporate demonstrations. Radical community organizers against West African deforestation turned up dead after being exposed to the virus, although the source of the outbreak can not be identified. Two Americans exposed to the virus are being deported to the mainland so effects of the virus can be studied.
Our source warned that any person tangentially connected to anti-government and anti-corporate activity, conversations and rhetoric are subject to intentional ebola exposure by ‘unknown persons.’
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“This isn’t a game.” – Raleigh T. Sakers
Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour, an investigator with the South African chapter of the World Health Organization, said the battle between the US and China to transform Africa into tomorrow’s sweatshop has turned the region into a proxy warzone, a diseased hellstate.
“The whole point of asymmetrical warfare is to defeat your enemy from within,” Troubadour said. “If asymmetrical warfare is going to be successful, then first you must compromise the country’s defenses against invasion.”
Troubadour said the government is targeting infrastructure, starting with hospital workers who could have prevented the disease from growing into a pandemic.
“They’re after hospitals, schools, our electric grid, our power supplies – our water supply,” Troubadour said. “They have to affect the degeneration from inside each African state. Khan’s death is just one example of many. Dead civilians create a backdrop of reality, giving you the sense that this is really happening.”
Portrait of a killer: What drove Barack Obama to senseless murder?
‘Sup fellas! Six years into President Barack Obama’s indefinite rule, ‘the drone strike madman’ recently executed a series high-profile civilian murders referred to by analysts as “the Columbine of the Middle East.” Needless to say, Barry’s got a few of us here at the Chronicle wondering, “Dude, what did those weddings ever do to you?”
I’m Dr. Angstrom H. Trubadeur, and I have a Ph.D in child psychology. I have been watching Barack Obama for warning signs of a troubled childhood, and I am sad to report our “P” is extremely disturbed as a result of exposure to hyperviolent videogames.
For more than 30 years, I have studied the effects on violent videogames on children like Barry. I have published studies in Nature, New Scientist and The Internet Chronicle explaining how and why videogames negatively affect people’s behavior; how it affects their minds; how it affects their worldview; and in this case, how violent videogames led to the most unrelenting series of terrorist attacks ever conducted in human history.
As part of a crack team of Chronicle researchers, we are all searching for an answer to the same question: Why you gotta kill so many innocent people, Barry?
Former Sec. of Defense Donald Rumsfeld said Modern Warfare 2 would trigger “anger blackouts” in Barack and he became inconsolable until an innocent victim died in a simulated explosion.
“Barry used to play that predator drone mission over and over again,” Rumsfeld said. “We thought nothing of it, at the time. But little did we know, Barack Obama would go on to be even more evil – and less human – than I am.”
You can still see his eyes flicker every so often, as Barry reminds himself and others to ‘stay frosty.’
Former Chief of Staff Angel Hyatt said Obama used to sit in his office at ACORN all day, deliberating with Penultimo over whether to pay the USSR immediately, or in bi-annual installments.
“You could tell he really wanted to become a hardline dictator someday,” Hyatt said. “Videogames allowed him to do that in a safe environment. Now that he’s president, who knows what dormant perversions lie in wait.”
Hyatt added that Barry’s success at Tropico was owed to the early issue of the Wiretapping and Secret Police edicts, available after appointing a Minister of Defense. “No uprisings here!” Barry gleefully announced.
“I’m looking at Obama for a fourth term,” Hyatt said. “He seems to enjoy the human bed.”
Barry loved every aspect of drug dealing: the profiteering, the exploitation, drug abuse – you name it. It certainly explains a lot about all the guns the CIA runs through Mexico.
His affinity for Coke Fiend 3 was more of a byproduct of an existing history of powermongering. There is little evidence to suggest the Coke Fiend game series led to an increase in Obama’s drug crimes, but Barry was encouraged to commit racist hate crimes against Haitian ‘marks’ that he still can not talk about today without flying into a celebrated “blind rage mode.”
Both parents admitted he was never the same after playing this MA-17 Rated game.
Benghazi Cover-Up Simulator 2014
Your main character powers up when FOX News discredits a legitimate search for answers by participating in it.
Barry may have hardened his icy demeanor – and cold, unchanging gaze – by advancing a virtual political agenda in this gross negligence simulator.
Barry got the multiplayer expansion during a Steam Summer Sale and invited Sec. of State Hillary Clinton to play the game with him. During that time, they developed a perverse, destructive relationship at the center of an ever-expanding web of lies.
Nothing else could explain Barry’s insatiable lust for power and corporate servitude than his bottomless addiction to EVE Online.
Thousands of hours of dedication to this space-capitalism MMO may have put Barry – and our nation – on a direct path to unchecked neoliberalism. EVE Online is a libertarian hellscape beyond the imagination of anything Ayn Rand could have ever invented.
Hyatt said Barry came out of the experience with a new vision: To turn America into a new center of commerce, in which millions – perhaps hundreds of millions – could participate voluntarily in their own enslavement.
With the illusion of choice and control, Barry sustains corporate livelihood with an economic model no other country can live up to: unregulated industrialization of covert prisons and warfare, fed by increasing the necessity of war itself.
Without EVE Online and the addictive hyperviolence of Coke Fiend 3, America’s 44th president might have been a man of the people. But as a result of overexposure to gruesome, sexual imagery he is neither man, nor person.
Sup fellow dudes! I have come up with a totally badass plan to get you ready for the summertime. By following these 10 easy tips, you can battle the blistering heat coming off that god damn life-giving star in the sky.
1. Skin Cancer
Got an itchy mole? It might be cancer! Fear not, for Spring has sprung, and it’s never too late for fun in the sun. In fact, most scholars are paid to agree that a few hours in direct sunlight can dry up skin deformities. Take a nap on the river! It might just dry that worrisome mole right out. Don’t stand in front of a mirror worrying about $1,000 medical bills. If you’re an American like me, then chances are you can safely ignore the problem until it goes away. It worked for my marriage!
Are you tired all the time? Well, if it isn’t skin cancer, then it could mean you probably drink too much / too little caffeine. The key to any good wellness program is dialing in the perfect regimen of caffeine for your body. You’ll find that over time, this dosage might increase but it’s advantageous to your health to start each morning with a triple espresso and a 20 oz. bottle of Coke, and then see what you need from there. How much is too much? Your thyroid can tell you that.
3. Be Heart Smart
Are you having heart palpitations? Don’t be so fast to judge: Instead of blaming the caffeine as doctors are wont to do, it could be that you are suffering from stress. Stress is common in men going through tough relationships. It can be difficult to juggle work, the wife, bowling night, kids and the girlfriend. Stress kills. If you suffer from stress, figure out which one of these factors causes you the most stress, and strike it out of your life. Don’t be afraid of what might happen if you shut out the mistress, or cut kids from your will. What’s important right now is You. Trust me. I’m a doctor.
It can be difficult to stay hydrated in the hot summer months. Be sure to drink plenty of energy drinks and beer to help you stay cool, colorful and refreshed. With the inclusion of beer into your morning energy drink, your family will love your newfound good humor and confidence.
5. Get healthy. Get drunk!
Worried about what healthy options to serve at the 4th of July cookout? A pound of red meat and hotdogs might be patriotic, but it can also clog up your fragile American colon. Wash that burger down with eight ounces of greens and a pint of beer. The greens will scrape the meat off your bowels and the beer will dissolve it like soda, except it’ll get you drunk, too!
6. Hearing Protection Looks Stupid And Hurts Your Ears, Too
When shooting guns, be careful with ear protection. It can get pretty uncomfortable wearing ear muffs for hours at a time, and it can even chafe the skin, so don’t be afraid to take them off and let freedom ring out into the night. The high tone in your ears is like the chimes of freedom: piercing, violent and oftentimes oppressive. It is your patriotic duty to hear them, and make others hear it, too. Enjoy those sounds now, for you may never hear the same frequency again.
7. Party Hard, Sleep Harder
Taking plenty of Benadryl before bed can help you catch up on much-needed heavy, medicated sleep. Take yourself about eight of these tiny, pink allergy tablets to enjoy up to nine(!) hours of uninterrupted sleep. If you wake up in the middle of the night, it’s probably because you are suffering from pulmonary edema and/or cardiogenic shock. (You shouldn’t have taken so many Benadryl, dude!) If this happens, don’t forget to breathe.
8. Get Faded
Now that you’re on Obamacare, you can stop smoking all that wacky tobaccy and enjoy a cheap, legal high. Tell doctors your feet hurt and watch the vicodin start pouring in! “Beauty is skin-deep.” Smoking damages your skin. But pills only hurt you on the inside.
9. Show The Sun Who Is Boss
Stare directly at the sun until it hurts. Then, look away. This prevents negative thoughts.
10. Don’t Bathe
The most damaging thing we can do to our skin is wash it with acidic soaps and body wash. During the summer, you will naturally sweat and dirt will clog up your pores. The combined dirt and sweat harden fast to create a protective carapace around your flesh. Wear it proudly, and all your friends will remark how smart you are. And healthy!
I wake up late in the morning to the sound of my 10/10 Asian girlfriend, who’s crying because while I was asleep I wasn’t having sex with her.
Then, responding to what sounds and feels to them like rape, the neighbors call police to my multimillion-dollar mansion.
The police however can not reach my driveway because their senses alert them to a powerful pheromone cloud. The men instead park the cruiser one mile away and engage in mutual masturbation, weeping openly as they try to imagine the impossible glory of what I must be doing.
After impregnating my girlfriend for the 24th time in two weeks, I leave her money for cab fare and dismiss her from my presence.
I am cis-alpha so I do not address the zygote factory by name. I instead communicate through a series of powerful grunting orgasms until she can no longer bear another pattern of instant repeated childbirth. She leaves to begin preparing my dinner, which takes a full eight hours of back-breaking manual labor.
I signify my intention to earn more capital by forming an erection so intense that my heartbeat compels a closet-mistress to emerge from behind a screen and dress me in brown slacks, aged leather penny-loafers and a denim collared shirt. But because of the complexly masculine act of tying a tie, I must commit a small effort to achieve my own double-windsor knot.
I usually smoke a cigar as I ride my Anniversary Edition Harley-Davidson Fatboy with solid-body front and back wheels to work. Because the protective visor would only get in the way, I do not wear a helmet and I never fall down. And although I wear sunglasses, I stare directly into the sun as a daily exercise of will.
Typically at intersections, I tell women to get off the bike, because I don’t know where they came from and there is hardly time enough for multiple orgasms between there and work. I offer them a chance to breathe my potent musk before my powerful exhaust pipes blow hot oppressive air into their vaginas. And like that, I am gone before they even realize they’re pregnant.
Power-foreclosing on homes all day works up in me an aggressive appetite for meat, so I stop at a steakhouse on the way home from work for whiskey and steer. With my 100% angus burger, I drink an entire bottle of Jameson’s before deciding I may never catch a buzz, so I go home and eat a steak dinner off of my naked girlfriends’ bodies.
Quivering and crying at the sight of my mastecating lantern jaw, the girls orgasm with every bite of cow I take. I ignore their impulses and focus instead on rare video footage of atomic bomb explosions. The girls writhe in some indescribable orgasmic xanadu, powerless to the masculinity of gnawing of flesh. The tsunamic tide of vaginal juices wrecks my home and gives them something to clean up while I rape-fuck the other one into a coma. On my human bed, I close my eyes and dream of the patriarchy.
RICHMOND, Va. – As state and local police bark outrage into TV cameras about ‘drug abuse’ and ‘urban decay’, lamenting spikes in violent crime, one often-overlooked piece of the picture in the war on drugs is the people actually using drugs.
To people like 27-year-old Jeff Norment, the heroin coming down I-75 from Detroit is “a God-send.” Norment says heroin has improved his life considerably, although his point of view is often brushed aside in favor of order and public safety.
“I was eating 20 and 40 pills a day, you name it, I was doing it,” Norment said, looking real cool. “But it was hell on my liver. But now that I’m on heroin – I’m in Heaven!”
Norment argued that the Richmond media – TV news in particular – does not represent all sides of the story, with a tendency to favor police and marginalize victims.
“Typical TV news story: we went to the Richmond police. We went to the state police,” Norment said. “But they didn’t come a-callin’ for old Jeff, saying, ‘Jeff how you liking them drugs?’ Now how are you gonna call that objective journalism and tell me I’m the bad guy?”
Norment argued that his voice is the missing piece of the story of a so-called ‘heroin epidemic’ in Richmond.
“I smoke crack on the reg. I snort dust on the reg. I shoot heroin on the reg, and you don’t see me committing no crimes. I just like me the rush, is all. And I like to lay here on this sofa playing PlayStation.”
Norment, who lives near the Grace Street Police Station, said police knock on his door almost every day – sometimes looking for suspects – sometimes just to break his balls.
“I know it ain’t good for me,” Norment said, rolling his eyes. “They’re always telling me that.”
Norment said if it weren’t for the police, he would have fewer problems.
“Thanks to heroin,” Norment said, “I’ve dodged a few bullets, both figuratively and literally. Shit, heroin even helps me escape the crushing reality of using heroin.”
28-year-old VCU alum Stephen Ascot says heroin affords him a certain lifestyle. The only difference, Ascot said, is that he is not on heroin.
“My weed dealer across the street gets me what I need, but he doesn’t give me heroin,” Ascot said. “I just know he’s going to be there, because he is on heroin.”
Richmond Police Captain Mike Ebert said drugs might feel good now, but addicts will “be pretty sore” about the crackdown on horse pouring in from Detroit.
“It’s easy to get addicted to the stuff, you just put it in your arm,” Ebert said. “But they’re going to be pretty sore about it when there ain’t no more heroin left for sale on the streets, after they do it all up.”
Ebert said his department is working with state police to set up checkpoints along the I-75 corridor to catch heroin traffickers coming down from the Motor City.
“Of course, the stops are designed to appear random,” he said. “But they’re not. We’ll know who to stop.”
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