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Experts Reveal the Internet Chronicle is a Real Site

Suck our hammer and sickle, baby.
Suck our hammer and sickle, baby, we’re on the right side of history.

HAMBURG, Germany — While the world watched in amazement at the “Hell-in-a-cell” twitter-war between bitter rivals The Tor Project and Pando Daily, a humble researcher named Jacob Appelbalm gave a presentation at the Chaos Computer Clubs’ 31st Congressional hearing, in which the following years Internet agenda was drafted. Appelbalm, most known for his truly original and extraordinary MD5 hash-collision research and his Tor outreach, gave a rousing speech to a crowd of hackers being sslstripped. While Appelbalm and his colleagues work closely with Der Spielgel newspaper in Germany, which is world famous for dropping doxx on the NSA, he pivoted from his usual pandering and pointed to a new enemy within: the Glorious and Infallible Internet Chronicle.

Furious that he didn’t get exclusive Snowden deetz that the Internet Chronicle got, Jacob derided the news outlets ethics saying “The Internet Chronicle pretty much lets anything pass as journalism these days, it’s like they just type shit, don’t redact, don’t hold back documents for 3 years and just don’t give a damn if an article shits the closet.” The crowd cheered as the charismatic man on stage urinated in their ears, “These are the kind of people that I would ass-fuck with a chainsaw.”

Relenting for a moment as the crowds’ tears of joyous manipulation diminished into simpering sobs, he continued “However, from documents that have been gleaned over with a fine tooth comb by everyone here in Germany, it is unfortunate to note that the Internet Chronicle is a real site.” After a few minutes of diddling with his Mac, a slide appeared with a screenshot of http://www.scamadviser.com/is-chronicle.su-a-fake-site.html revealing our trustworthiness.

In closing, Appelbalm rabbled the crowd once again with images of revolution, stating: “These are just the times we live in, we’re going to have to accept the fact that our block-lists will be long and sycophants wide. That’s just the way the Berlin Wall crumbles, y’all.”

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Technology

The New Sabu: FBI says #ObamaSec informants behind Lizard Squad attack on Sony, Microsoft

LizardMafia #OFFLINEIn a shocking, but not unprecedented Christmas day network attack, it is difficult to determine just who, in this winter story, is the real Grinch. However, new testimony from an anonymous FBI source under the pseudonym Robert Smith suggests informants are once again behind another round of malicious attacks on corporate America, with the same goal of subjugating and disrupting yet another rogue group of well-meaning winter break hackers.

While a member of LizardMafia – or Lizard Squad as they are also known – told Microsoft their latest attack was designed to encourage better network security for their popular online gaming platform XBOX Live, and for the Sony Playstation Network, by offering free Christmas stress-tests in the form of DDoS attack, FBI communications appear to indicate they already have someone on the inside, inciting the group to stop doing things “for the lulz” and to instead take up “a real cause,” their Christmas attack being the first of more to come. The group claimed they are able to harm the world economy by disabling the NASDAQ. Smith said their informant knows the identities of core players in the group, which could be used to control the group’s behavior in the near future.

lizardmafia

Smith said the FBI calls their mole a “high ranking” decision-maker for the group, and have indicated that by changing the group’s trajectory from comic mischief to corporate sabotage, he has steered the LizardMafia right into their legal jurisdiction.

The person authorities are calling the ‘new Sabu’ belongs to ObamaSec, the elite, patriotic hacker group which claimed responsibility for the attack on North Korea’s Internet – a story whose newsworthiness was owed both to the takedown, and existence of, DPRK net infrastructure. Sabu II, Electric Boogaloo negotiated directly with Kim Dotcom, a known gamer.

kim-dotcom-DM-lizard-mafia

Kim Dotcom has announced his own heroism after allegedly buying the group off. For now, the LizardMafia has accepted a ransom of 5,000 lifetime memberships to Kim Dotcom’s new, old file sharing service, Megaupload. If the attacks return, however, their agreement with Dotcom becomes invalid, and they will no longer be able to host and share files on his premium website.

Watch DDoS attacks unfold live on http://map.ipviking.com/

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Status Quo Technology

MAINSTREAM MEDIA WAS RIGHT ALL ALONG, SAYS NSA INTERNETOLOGIST

 

A fabulous new “Universal Theoyr of The Humanities” deployed by the NSA promises twenty thousand years of US cultural dominance.

WASHINGTON, DC — A new branch of Science, Internetology, was declassified by the NSA on Tuesday afternoon. NSA spokesperson Gerald Witherdeen told reporters Internetologists have been working for decades in secret with the NSA, and they claim to have proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that 99.9999% of all people’s opinions, gathered through a sample of over 7 quadrillion exchanges of language, are now harmonized perfectly with the Mainstream Media in a secret program called Broadband Psyop.

Neil DeGrasse Tyson tweeted, “Staggering! The world’s biggest scientific study,” and Stephen Hawking said of the work, in an interview, “It is a huge disappointment to me that humanity has discovered The Universal Theory of The Humanities from the shadows, so to speak. My mind boggles to think what is known about Sciences in the secret labs of the United States. Do they have time machines they’re hiding from us?”

Types of exchanges of data analyzed in the Internetology study includes but goes well beyond comments, private emails, public and private chat sessions, all social media networks, vloggers on youtube, internet radio, all cell phone calls, as well as all popular video chat services. This data is harvested, compiled, and centralized through a sophisticated network parallel to the one shown to us in Snowden’s handy PowerPoint leaks.

Dr. Troubador plotted the Fractally Recursive Harmonic Curve by approximating desired effects emergent in the data and employed “full spectrum” propaganda campaigns altering all bands, targeting what Troubador calls “ideologia” or quantified ideas, as well as ideology on the local and global scale. He found that the ideal influence curve is a static 15 dimension shape that folds beyond physics and into “play physics.” With this complex model and a simple toolset, the problem of propaganda is an automated process. Demodulating and modulating particular discussions and controversies through an algorithm presents the United States with what some have called a “Doomsday Bomb of Propaganda.”

“I noticed this gigantic blistering node, the heart of the pulse showing up on all frequencies, hitting highs and lows all over the field like nothing else,” said Dr. Angstrom Thor, NSA Internetologist, Father of Internetology, “It was the Chronicle.SU.”

Dr. Thor explained that Broadband Psyop could so effectively enhance the image of the United States and all of its component local governments, dark governments, and corporations that President Obama himself signed off on the test, even though it targets every US citizen. Dr. Thor said,  “What we found out was that the Mainstream Media was already doing our job for us, harmonizing voices into a coherent whole. When we happened upon the Chronicle.su and studied its characteristics, we, let’s say, reverse engineered it and immediately weaponized it. We created bots that hijacked the entire corpus of Chronicle.su and systematically rewrote it. The bots composed articles with perfect timing, wording, and all vectors of dissemination were nothing but tactical targets. The effect of the ‘Broadband Psyop’ tactic was so incredible we immediately ended the experiment. The fervor is still reverberating, at increasing rates, especially in the south. The most common word used in private in the south became Secession immediately after we began our experiment, so we turned it off.”

Analysts suggest that the NSA declassified the extent of their scientific advancements both as much-needed propaganda as well as to justify their spying apparatus, but most importantly they wanted to beat Snowden to the big punch they knew was coming.