In Wake of Devastating DDoS Attack, Chronicle Staff Finds Solace in Works of Internet Anthropologists

Hacker collective Anonymous takes credit for decimating the Internet Chronicles servers or something.

INTERNET — The Internet Chronicle was under siege Sunday evening, as packets flooded in from across the globe, shutting down the site temporarily. This tactic is widely known and used by Anonymous, a loose-knit offshoot of Anonymous hacker group known as Anonymous, as an act of censorship to protest censorship and other such social injustices. Sure enough, moments after the attack began, the Anonymous flagship account @YourAnonNews took credit for the attack, issuing an ominous “Mango Down,” which is a technique pioneered by Anonymous subset troll organization the “Rustle League.” The @YourAnonNews attack was rumored to be spearheaded by Anonymous Commander “xyz” and collaborator “xnite.”

Staff writers were initially taken aback by this ugly turn of events, as we’ve always had a really great relationship with Anonymous and all of its offshoot groups. However, spiritual peace in our office was soon attained once resident Internet anthropologist Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador relished in the idea that we were actually a target of a “virtual sit-in.”

At a board meeting this morning, Dr. Troubador expressed with great exuberance how this pseudoevent was actually a blessing in disguise, as it cemented the Internet Chronicle forever in the annals of Internet history as a target of Anonymous. During his two hour long slide-show, Dr. Troubador referenced respected Internet anthropologists Gabriella Coleman and Peter Ludlow, the former actually being the current leader of Anonymous, and blamed Chronicle writers for making fun of Christ-like martyr and ex-leader of Anonymous, Barrett Brown, citing this as the cause for the attack.

“You idiots think you can just run around writing about whatever you want and get away with it? This isn’t the Internet of yesterday, my friends, this is an Internet ruled by the power of Anonymous and it’s about time we fucking recognized it.” Troubador said, poetically taking a drag from his spliff.

Upon leaving the meeting, all staff had to purchase Coleman’s book “Coding Freedom” to be read immediately and were forced to sign an agreement form that said we would pre-order her upcoming book on the hegemonic Internet force that is Anonymous.

Litecoin trading increases in both volume and value along with the Bitcoin


Litecoin trades now for $4.15

People invested in Bitcoin argue the Litecoin will never gain traction in their precious magical money market. Poor Litecoin investors who are jealous of the Bitcoin master race’s infinite foresight profess feverishly on Bitcoin sub-forums that their currency WILL see come-uppance! Their dialogue is often one-sided as they battle the image of Johnny-Come-Lately who secretly wants himself a Bitcoin.

He wants it so bad. And now he is left to monitor Litecoin as she rises and falls like the tide of a bleak moonless beach, illuminated by the passing glimmer of the Bitcoin lighthouse which, with every sweeping motion, shines brighter – $100 brighter – on each irritating pass.

Temples to Litecoin were built in its honor, where crypto-shamans beg piously for restitution over of their doubts in the Bitcoin, and plea for a second chance. The Litecoin is perfect, they say. It’s faster. It’s quiet. It’ll stay out of Bitcoin’s way. It can be there, too. Can’t it?

The arguments  playing out around Litecoin – ranging from whether it will ever increase in value, to whether the world can stand another cryptocurrency, to whether or not China is actually adopting the coin or simply “pumping it and dumping it” – are all tinged with the doubt of a million atheists who just caught a glimpse of God but are still too proud to admit it.

The fact that Litecoin even exists is “proof that there is room enough in the world for another cryptocurrency,” according to economist Dr. Angstrom Hydrocopolous Troubadour, who said he invests heavily in the market regardless of God’s wishes that he not gamble, or lust over his neighbor’s two wives.

Congress convened for a hearing this week to determine exactly what a Litecoin is and – being capitalists – how to profit from it. The results, Troubadour said, don’t look good.

The Litecoin may currently be cheap and accessible but, like the Bitcoin before it, could eventually become so bloated that only the 1% can ever afford to use it, and they will be so busy spending their Bitcoins they won’t even let go of a Litecoin for the plebeian masses to attempt to buy drugs with it, to escape from their meaningless, Bitcoin-absent lives.

Pray to the money gods for Litecoin to increase in value. Make a small sacrifice of $100, and in three years’ time, you too will have many hundreds of thousands of dollars to spend on anything you like.

I’m buying an ethanol-powered yacht. What will you buy?

LinkedIn to merge with

man fired for sickening addiction

“I understand. I’ll begin packing my desk.”

INTERNET – Here’s a bit of good news for all you porntubers out there — LinkedIn has made the distribution of jailbait pornography a simple matter of clicking “Like”. With a click of the Like button, users instantaneously share their pornography history with coworkers, family and friends.

“Let’s say there’s an awesome image you’ve found on Motherless,” LinkedIn CEO Jim Nottaway said, “that if anybody else – even your wife – knew you were jacking off to this, you’d be institutionalized. Well, now they know.”

Leaving a remark on a photograph such as, “wat i wuldnt give to bust a load into her tight pussy” automatically shares the comment and video to your LinkedIn account, and emails a copy of itself into your subscribers’ inbox.

The speed of social networking has advanced beyond confirmation dialogues, so information and content is shared without warning at the time of consumption.

“It’s just basic knowledge,” said Internet Psychopathologist Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour. Troubadour said the forced merger between content-based community websites and social networking sites heralds a new era of information networking. “It’s a great way to bring the power of social tools into community-based porno distribution rings. I am already seeing things, for free, that I used to have to travel to Bangkok and pay for.”

“Destroying your own life has never been easier,” said Nottaway. “With the power of LinkedIn, users will soon be able to share their favorite surreptitious jailbait photographs with people they know in real life, at unprecedented profits to us.”

Mark Daffadin has been on LinkedIn for years, where he said he got his first full time engineering job after college. Now, they’re taking it all back. “All my loved ones should know what I do on the Internet without my consent.,” Daffadin said. “LinkedIn is making huge progress to that end. It’s fun, and I’m horrified by what my future holds. Three days ago, Friday, I commented on the veracity of a lesbian three-way pink salad. Now, it’s Monday morning, and I’ve already started packing my desk.”

But not all people are happy with the merger. Thomas Mulligan of Dublin, Ireland said he works from home, and therefore can not be fired, but told reporters he has grown sick of seeing his inbox spammed with invites to join exclusive groups dedicated to images of pre-teens in bathing suits.

“Why do I need to look at this stuff?” Mulligan asked. “I have kids of my own.”

NSA totally behaving like creepy uncle at the Internet family reunion

Creepy old Uncle NSA. Where are his hands??

Creepy old Uncle NSA. Where are his hands??

It’s hanging onto everyone, leering around at the room as it gropes the family children, probing for stuff it’s not supposed to find.

“Uh-oh, what have we here? Something you’re not supposed to be doing. Your parents would be very upset if they knew that you did that. There, there. Don’t cry. Really. You can make it all better. That’s a good girl. You don’t have to cry. Uncle NSA can help you make it all better. Shhhhhhhh.”

The NSA knows all the best changing rooms, where they can take a peek at your children’s sexting photos and blackmail their enemies with the same handy multi-tool, connected right into that magical cloud like it’s Ghost in the Fucking Shell.

But I already know you’re not mad. I’m just saying.

Heck, I’m glad we have something like the NSA protecting our freedoms, like other paramilitary, sub-governmental groups such as the Taliban, Hezbollah and Hamas protect the freedoms of their constituents.

Thanks, creepy Uncle NSA! Give me a hug. Hey! Tee-hee. Watch the hands!

This message brought to you jingoistically by Lebal Drocer, Inc. – American patriotism at its finest.

Snowden Reveals Revolutionary Hacking Method

Snowden says CryptoParty factions will shut the Internet down if they do not allow U.N. collectivization under Agenda 21MOSCOW – In his new video, a sleepy Edward Snowden demonstrated how to hack any website using only an iPhone and the RAM from a scientific calculator. With these new secrets, Snowden said, literally anyone in the world can carry out an attack on a government agency.

“You hear a lot of talk about TOR and VPNs,” he cautioned, “that’s what LulzSec used to do.” Snowden said use of TOR and VPNs is what blew LulzSec’s cover.

With this new method, he said, “You’re free to take on any government agency. You can carry out really any attack vector on any website … And once you’ve done that, you’re basically a hacker,” he said. “And you’re completely untraceable.”

The Blackhat Holocaust

uncle_sam2INTERNET — Everything you thought you knew about hacking is bullshit.

After years of living underground, in refuge from the whitehat warlords, blackhat hackers will finally be eliminated in what is being dubbed the “Blackhat Holocaust.” What was once a rich and vibrant scene has been co-opted by the far right-left corporatarians, meaning dollar bills, fellas. Your hats are meaningless in the eyes of governments and corporations alike. All of your ideas, inventions, theories, exploits are being freely(at a cost) distributed amongst the wealthy to piss in the collective pool with.

The NSA are the biggest blackhats, man.

Your OPSEC is futile. You mull over the thousands of possibilities for event(x) out loud on twitter, while the blackhats laugh in the background. Such ugly schadenfreude; but their time has come.

The Internet Chronicles Chief Technology Officer and avid Biella Coleman fan, Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador elaborates: “Blackhats aren’t Anonymous, they aren’t carders, script kiddies, packeteers or those owning Linode for fun. Nay, they are something far more villainous.”

For about 15 years now, people touted whitehats as the enemy of the hacking community at large, but the real harbinger of destruction was the peddling of a deluded belief that being a blackhat meant you could still work for the government, you could still be a corporate lackey, you’d have to sell your soul, but you could still write your exploits… though you’d have to sell those too. Everyone needs money though, right? We understand.

Is there a way to overthrow the omnipresent blackhat hegemony? Absolutely! You must learn the ways of the blackhat, become a blackhat hacker, immerse yourself in all things blackhat. Write as many exploits as possible. You will be challenged though, oh you will be challenged. This task is not for the faint at heart or wallet. With your exploits comes the potential for sale to nation-state actors that will use your own tools against you, your friends and loved ones. You will be lured in by unimaginable riches, the wealth of a thousand kingdoms and oh the power, the mother fucking power! However grandiose it all may seem, don’t fuck your fellow hackers and citizens in the ass. Just don’t fucking do it.

The blackhats will come to you in many forms. It will happen this way: you will be coding… maybe the last sunny day of fall and an encrypted message will be sent to you from someone you know, perhaps even trust, and they will offer a smile, a becoming smile, but they will leave open the door to becoming a true blackhat and offer to give you a lift…

For this day: release your exploits, tools, techniques, everything you’ve ever learned! Destroy all of your 0day via disclosure or distribute them amongst the poor and impoverished! Take the power you collected through your quest for great knowledge and destroy it in one fell swoop.

Cum on them before they cum on you.

And then create something beautiful.

I suppose it doesn’t matter though, guys and dolls, because there’s a war going on and this war is prefixed with “cyber,” fellas. Buyin’ in, sellin’ out.

Lebal Drocer officials enter Chronicle offices, destroy hard drives

LEBAL DROCERThe Internet Chronicle’s editor-in-chief, Raghubir Goyal, explains that he is now forced to work on stories about insider trading from inside the USSR, because Lebal Drocer Intelligence Freedom and Internet Liberty officials went into the Chronicle’s headquarters in Cuthbert, Ga. and destroyed hard drives containing copies of Lebal Drocer stationary outlining some of their misdeeds.

Agents for Lebal Drocer, Inc. recently detained Vic Livingston, the gay Internet boyfriend of Chronicle staff writer Frank Mason who died mysteriously last year. Livingston, who is also a real journalist, was detained for several hours and questioned insistently by agents of the corporation, who would not let him out of their sight, even to go to the bathroom. They made him go number two a coffee can.

“Lebal Drocer knew their stocks were plummeting, so they sold shares of their company to unsuspecting idiots for nearly a thousand times their estimated value.”

Angstrom Troubadour, Financial Analyst.

Lebal Drocer, Inc. has toughened their stance on Internet freedom, citing the upswing in information terrorism as one reason for writing new legislation that would grant them “unfathomable” control over Internet traffic all over the world.

Lebal Drocer’s control over matters of Internet Freedom and Security is . . . unfathomable . . . frightening.

Dan Brown, author

Per protocol, the new measures will be written by Lebal Drocer’s “Litigation Legion” dream team of attorneys, and handed to indeterminate congresspersons – who will then be paid to introduce the legislation in the House – where other representatives will then be paid to vote for it.

[Editor’s note: Surprisingly enough, this is how American politics really work!]

Features added to the new draconian Internet security measures include the outlawing of “copy and paste” for its ability to inherently defy Intellectual Property law, and will forbid all usage of the domain extension .se, .sx and .su – country-specific domain extensions used primarily by hackers and piracy advocates worldwide.

In coordination with Lebal Drocer, Inc., Welch’s NATURAL Concord Grape Jelly Spread have spearheaded anti-piracy measures after their recipe, “SUGAR, GRAPE FLAVORING™ AND PRESERVATIVE BASE,” were distributed via BitTorrent through audio, video, software and recipe piracy website The Pirate Bay, which is hosted on the illicit webservers that spam the Internet with Julian Assange’s propaganda known as Wikileaks.

President Barack Obama was overheard praising the efforts of Lebal Drocer, Inc. who paid for him to take office in 2012, narrowly defeating their darling candidate Mitt Romney, whose campaign was also financed and coordinated by Lebal Drocer, Inc.

This message is brought to you proudly by your big brother, Lebal Drocer, Inc.

There’s A Little Touch Of Lebal Drocer In Every Message You Send.™

Snowden unveils Sewer Drone drug surveillance program

Snowden flew into a rage at the lack of response to recent NSA revelations and said he would "cut to the chase."

Snowden flew into a rage at the lack of response to recent NSA revelations and said he would “cut to the chase” with disclosure of the secret Sewer Drone program.

MOSCOW — Sunday afternoon, Snowden once again stunned Americans with information about a secret NSA Sewer Drone program which detects traces of drugs by snooping through human excrement in public sewers. According to Snowden, the NSA relays the information gleaned from the Sewer Drone program to local police, who then construct a “parallel” investigation which excludes all mention of the secret drones so drug offenders can then be “legitimately” prosecuted. Repeat offenders, Snowden claims, may be identified by comparing traces of DNA in excrement to prison records.

Snowden spoke to reporters, shouting angrily, “This should be the final straw. Is nothing holy? The drug war has gone too far. The NSA surveillance has gone to far. I have nothing more to say.” Snowden opened his laptop in pure rage, snapping it in half at the hinge and slamming the keyboard. He bellowed, “Why won’t you people listen? They’re sifting through your shit, and if they find a trace of marijuana they’ll tie it to your DNA, come for you, and concoct a fake investigation!”

Astonished, all reporters left the press conference, but Internet Chronicle reporter Frank Mason was unaffected due to a mild buzz. Mason offered Snowden a bong rip, which Snowden gladly accepted. Once calmed, Snowden said, “The problem is that these drones — they can detect disease. They can be used for good, but now they’re simply used to target the poor.”

InfoWars shill covers up Solar Flare Killshot

Sources close to the Internet Chronicle have confirmed Alex Jones is employed by FEMA death camps.

Sources close to the Internet Chronicle have confirmed Alex Jones is employed by FEMA death camps.

INTERNET — Thursday morning, the shills at Alex Jones’ InfoWars posted a story denying the validity of Edward Snowden’s latest and most shocking “Solar Flare Killshot” leak.

As long reported by the Internet Chronicle, “controlled opposition” web sites like InfoWars and Prison Planet are a CIA effort guided by Alex Jones. Controlled opposition is a technique by which governments co-opt threatening information by infiltrating and manipulating subversive movements. Jones is able to distract skeptics from truly important stories with a stream of false alarms which directly serve the interests of the US government’s bid for global hegemony. Now targeting Edward Snowden, Jones’ agenda has never been more clear. Sources close to the Internet Chronicle infiltrated the Prison Planet servers and have found incontrovertible proof Alex Jones is a propagandist employed by FEMA death camps.

The Anonymous representative said, “This is worse than we ever feared. The one source we turned to for the unvarnished truth that mainstream media won’t report is in bed with the government’s worst program and probably has been from the start. We have shared this data to the Internet Chronicle because they are the last bastion of free speech that has not — and cannot — be co-opted to serve the needs of the New World Order.”

Even the hierarchy at Anonymous was infiltrated and turned towards the purposes of the New World Order when a charismatic leader, Sabu, was blackmailed and used to control a Christmas Day heist which cost many charities and innocent journalists well over a million dollars. If not for vanguard reporting of the Internet Chronicle, many hundreds more Anonymous hackers may have been arrested and turned to serve the will of the “Deep State.” The Deep State works by blackmailing individual members of congress with embarrassing information gleaned from the many unconstitutional NSA spy programs. Because of this power, the Deep State is able to easily circumvent the rule of law. Our source within Anonymous also claimed that the Deep State is planning a genocide which targets drug offenders, computer hackers, and anyone practicing the Islamic faith in any capacity.

Edward Snowden: Solar-Flare ‘Killshot’ Cataclysm Imminent

Edward Snowden, NSA Whistleblower, speaking from Sheremetyevo Airport’s Hotel Novotel, revealed the CIA's Project Stargate was a complete success. (Photo: The Internet Chronicle)

Edward Snowden, NSA Whistleblower, speaking from Sheremetyevo Airport’s Hotel Novotel, revealed the CIA’s Project Stargate was a complete success. (Photo: The Internet Chronicle)

MOSCOW, Russia – Edward Snowden, hacker-fugitive and former National Security Agency (NSA) contractor, revealed Tuesday that a series of solar flares is set to occur in October, killing hundreds of millions of people. Documents provided by Snowden prove that, as of 14 years ago, Central Intelligence Agency (CIA) remote viewers knew that the event was inevitable. Ever since, the world’s governments have quietly been trying to prepare for the sweeping global famine to result.

Speaking from his room at Sheremetyevo Airport’s Hotel Novotel, Snowden revealed that government preparations for October’s catastrophic solar flares have been “to only limited avail.” The flares’ results, he said, are known casually throughout the global intelligence community as “the killshot.”

Remote viewers employed by the CIA’s Project Stargate use their ability to perceive geographically and chronologically distant events to protect America. Since 1999 they have known about the solar-flare event but have been threatened into silence by enforcers on the secret government’s payroll.

As a part of hiring Snowden as a contractor, the NSA granted the 30-year-old access to all communications on earth. Now he has provided The Internet Chronicle with top-secret Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) documents outlining just how terrible the solar flares’ results will be. In just three months, “the killshot” is set to disable all electronic food and water delivery systems.

Ever since the late 20th century, hundreds of millions of people have begun to rely on technological automation to enable their very lives. Solar flares release electromagnetic pulses, hazardous to electronic circuits. The smallest electronic circuits, such as those in computers’ central processing units, will be the most vulnerable.

Snowden said FEMA and the National Disaster Reduction Center of China have been taking steps for 14 years in light of the findings of Project Stargate. FEMA’s own documents, provided by Snowden, lay out how the organization plans to round up tens of millions of the poorest Americans for housing at secure locations “to better facilitate feeding and provision of consumer goods.”

Snowden, for years a CIA contractor, released testimonials from hundreds of remote viewers. Many of those remote viewers are still on the payroll of the governments of the United States and the Russian Federation. Those testimonials, though written independently by the analysts, are comprised of 4,472 pages, every single one of which, alarmingly, evince Snowden’s account.

“The massive electromagnetic pulse from the solar flares, or ‘the killshot,’ will shutter most of the world’s electrical systems,” said Snowden. “The Americans whose lives are most at risk are the elderly and the infirmed, those who depend on technology to enable their receiving home care or life-sustaining medical treatment.”

Throughout the 1970s and the 1990s, Russia and the United States were desperate to track and monitor the construction and maintenance of each other’s nuclear silos. The nations’ governments openly admitted having poured billions of dollars into the training of elite teams of remote viewers. With their powers, the remote viewers were able to deter nuclear launches and, ultimately, bring an end to the Cold War.  In the mid-’90s, the CIA simply pretended to close its remote-viewing program, so that it could operate more effectively.

Snowden said he hopes that his coming forward will allow Project Stargate’s participants to be able to live normal, open lives again, “instead of as circus animals, instead of as freaks.” He added, “[Significant others of Project Stargate employees] have to get Q clearances just to cohabitate with, without even marrying, their loved ones. That’s tantamount to slavery.”

Humanity is about to pay a most dire price for its technological dependence. That price, said Snowden, proved a leading factor in his decision to come forward to the press – about both the global Holocaust to ensue, as well as NSA analysts’ power, on the slightest whim, to listen to the phone calls of any person on earth.

Snowden said, with regard to CIA remote viewers, “I have seen too many brave whistleblowers become subjects of smear and ridicule for using their talents to expose the truth.” Added Snowden, bitterly, “Well, we’ll see who’s Mr. Chuckles when ‘the killshot’ goes down.”

WikiLeaks attorneys; and Anatoly Kucherena, Snowden’s own counsel, together produced a video calling for calm and global preparedness. Monday, Snowden sent the video, below, to the Russian Federal Migration Service as part of his call for asylum.