For to this fearful mind, surely, all our science and art are but chemical processes signifying nothing of our subjective state.
SINGULARITY, Tex. — Wednesday night, it was revealed that the NSA has nearly achieved a limited omniscient point of view over the planet Earth through extra-constitutional top-secret wiretapping of all major communications hubs. The Obama administration responded Thursday morning, defending this capability as necessary in America’s ongoing struggle against terrorists. Earlier this year, a leaked document revealed the omnipotence of the Pentagon, which has been granted the power to kill any human being in any part of the globe, effectively giving the Military Industrial Complex de facto sovereignty over the planet.
Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, Emergence Theorist, has declared that the conjunction of near-omniscience and near-omnipotence in such an entity heralds the coming of the so-called Singularity.
“Because of our limited point of view and our arrogance,” he said, via taped phone conversation, “we are like brain cells that believe they can understand the whole brain. The Singularity has passed by unnoticed even by those who have long predicted it. It was the emergence of such large ‘wholes’ as nations and corporations which allowed for the formation of this planetary ‘whole’. This is much bigger than overgrown and corrupt government practices, or mere collusion with corporations. These large powers have coalesced into a singular entity, which not only strides the planet with unmitigated force, but also sees, or can see, a great body of sense data that has very few practical limits. Perhaps it cannot recognize its Self, yet it has found cohesion — cohesion borne out of a single-minded fear of terrorism. Few individuals seem to be able to come to grips with the astonishing implications, for on the human level such power seems monstrous. Have we invented a near-God, which we are now obliged to worship at the threat of instant death by drone? Will we now look back at Atheism and Rationalism as an innocent age before the birth of such a mind as this? For to this mind, surely, all our science and art are but chemical processes signifying nothing of our subjective state.”
Russia Today has been hacked, leading some to believe Soviet influence may once again be on the rise.
MOSCOW — Russia Today, the state-owned media outlet that recently aired a television program hosted by Julian Assange, was driven offline Monday morning by an unprecedented cyberassault.
Not much is known about the attack, but several theories have been put forward by experts in the field, and some anti-WikiLeaks hackers have taken credit without providing credible proof.
Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, professor of history at Cambridge and expert on geopolitics, said that large-scale cyberattacks like these are generally outside of the scope of individual actors.
“There is little doubt in my mind that a sophisticated organization was involved in this attack,” he said via email.
Dr. Troubador refused to speculate on possible suspect organizations, but commenters on social media were abuzz with rumor.
A recent article put out by the Associated Press and widely syndicated by thousands of publications, including Russia Today, brought huge publicity to organized crime taking place on the antiquated Soviet Union domain name extension. Cybercriminals in Russia and Eastern Europe have long been known for their sophistication and integration with traditional organized crime in the region, and many have ties with former Soviet organizations, which are at odds with Russia Today.
Meanwhile, Russia Today has brought publicity to civil disturbances in Turkey, leading many to believe the attack was carried out by militant Islamist groups who have quickly integrated cyberattacks into their arsenal of terror and want to heighten the drama of what they believe is part of the Islamic Revolution. Yet others believe the Turkish government itself has deployed this cyberattack in order to dispel the riots plaguing their cities.
Because of the huge attention given to WikiLeaks, the Occupy movement, and Anonymous by Russia Today, still others believe some operative from the United States Government may have deployed this devastating attack. It was recently revealed that almost all of America’s cyberwar capabilities are controlled by private contractors who often act far outside of the boundaries of law.
Haters rejoiced late Easter Sunday, as a plot was devised to devour and destroy the illustrious and mighty Internet Chronicle. The plan was hatched on an encrypted video chat platform that only hackers use, called “TinyChat“. We managed to grab a few logs from the encrypted chat, but they were using what we believe may be the SHA-1 hash function so we could only decrypt parts of it.
The hack was done by the great and knowledgeable Hack Forums Hero known as f0rsaken aka hoic aka @itsd00m. He is well versed in social engineering trickery, such as jacking amazon accounts and some say he may have a “botnet,” but these are simply unconfirmed allegations.
While the deface was rather gauche, it did provide clear dox of all Chronicle.su employees and their families, while giving a nod to the great John Thiessen, aka Ron Brynaert. “#hatesec” was plastered all over the site, which seems to be a new hacking group with more skills than Dan Kaminsky, as they poisoned the Chronicles DNS and rerouted all traffic to 9gag, all the while maintaining root and mining information to SWAT people with.
As you can see, the critical infrastructure of the site is completely crippled and our lives are all over.
INTERNET — Investigators at Chronicle.SU have repeatedly and accurately d0xed th3j35t3r, famed Republican ex-Marine hacker who in fact is a close group of “private contractors” paid for and created by a black-ops Air Force project. However, because of their privileged position, these criminal elements within the military have been given free reign to debase and attack this glorious and infallible publication in an illegal and pernicious affront to the United Soviet Socialist Republic’s sovereignty and the Dignity of the Proletariat.
Sunrise in Jesterland. Don’t log in, or you’ll be infected with th3j35t3r’s botnet like hundreds of thousands of retired people.
Recently faced with serious allegations of “mining” for preteen children with his Minecraft server, Jesterland, th3j35t3r has launched a campaign of hate against John Tiessen, who is a twice-convicted sex offender and rapist according to documents posted by th3j35t3r. In the past, Tiessen has directed similar accusations at Chronicle.SU editors, ethical hacking instructors, pro-freedom conservative blogger Robert Stacy McCain, Anonymous spokesperson Barrett Brown, and Dead Kennedys frontman Jello Biafra.
Tiessen’s unsubstantiated pedophile accusations “went viral,” causing uproar in the “mommyblogging” community. Rallying to Tiessen’s cry, members of the “Moms Against Jester” group forced House members to call for an investigation into th3j35t3r’s Minecraft server. This investigation revealed that th3j35t3r was not a pedophile, as John Tiessen has repeatedly admitted, but it did find that th3j35t3r had illegally attacked Chronicle.SU sovereign Web servers with the use of a botnet of 300,000 infected computers hijacked from thousands of American nursing homes and hospices.
Outed members of th3j35t3r group Tom Ryan, Neal Rauhauser, Ronald Bryn, and Kelly Hallissey were arrested for ownership of a botnet and Lebal Drocer’s legal team filed a civil suit seeking $3 billion in damages.
INTERNET — Early Monday morning, the loosely knit collective of teenagers known as Anonymous was able to string together enough sentences to “kinda” make a press release for one of their greatest achievements since not hacking Stratfor: Releasing the data of Bank of America defense contractor, TEKSystems.
AnonForecast, current leader of the Legion sector of Anonymous, is likely the one who carried out this operation, considering everything revolves around him somehow.
The release comes as a shock to the intelligence hacker and activist communities alike, as we begin to peel back the layers and realize that everything posted on a Pastebin or tweeted is, in fact, true. Shockingly enough, it’s quite possible that everything ever posted on the internet could be true, says fabled neck-beard Richard Stallman, “We are at time where information has become so compressed, so fluid, like the thoughts of a child, the flap of a butterflies wings or the ripples in still water, that it’s impossible to write anything fallacious on the internet.”
As we all know, Stallman, in recent years, began developing his own religion on his completely open-source laptop made by Chinese children, so he cannot be lying.
Josh the God just doesn’t give a fuck.
Hosted on Anonymous’ very own leak platform Par-AnoiA.net, the dump has a list of keywords that one could only assume are used by TEKSystems’ advanced spider bot detection system. Many activists were elated to find their names embedded in the list, most notably: megalomaniac hacker Jacob Appelbaum. He waxed Monday, amid defamatory shouts calling him a plagiarist and phony: “This is something I would have never expected, citizens spying upon citizens. The panopticon grows, but I’m glad I got name-dropped.”
While the leak is riddled with irrefutable truths, one group in particular is doxed turbo hard from information gleaned from Pastebin: UGNazi. Fabled hacker, carder and Nazi @JoshTheGod is named as Josh Mendez, a.k.a. Blake Bronstad, which we all know as true considering he was arrested in 2012 under the obvious alias “Mir Islam.”
Stratfor isn’t the only private contractor news publication on lots and lots of Xanex.
Cosmo is also named in the Pastebin, which of course is correct, because who’s to argue since his name was never released to the public due to his minor status.
In their teaser file, Anonymous highlights some really fantastic nostalgia that reminds us all about the days of yore, when people said “lulz” and HBGary took to the IRCs to stick it to Anonymous. This lovely, readable word salad would make Aaron Barr’s hiking boots swelter, as if his loins were moistening at the sight of “t-asshurtmacfags” breasts.
Noted activist, speed walker and writer Kenneth Lipp gets fingered as the great @Jackal[Anon], a.k.a. @YourAnonNews, the ringleader of Anonymous. How can one confirm this? Simply visit the Wikipedia rival site encyclopediadramatica.se’s entry on JackalAnon and see for yourself. Confirmed.
All in all, this release is nothing more than the Stratfor leak on a handful of xannie bars. However it does highlight the accuracies of what one could only identify as the greatest intelligence source of all time: Pastebin.
The Swedish Bahnhof facility raided, along with female employees, Friday evening
STOCKHOLM, SWEDEN — A backpack weighed heavily on this reporter, as I stood beside one of 30 men in full riot gear regalia, as he, among others, awaited his raid, Friday night, on the Bahnhof Web hosting facility deep beneath Stockholm, Sweden. Goons from the United Nations World Intellectual Property Organization (WIPO) prepared to storm the most secure privately owned Web hosting company on earth. Their target: RonPaul.com.
RonPaul.com, after serving as the grassroots hub for libertarian activists eager to see Dr. Paul become president, has recently received scrutiny from the former congressman’s attorneys, who wish to see the server remain safely out of the hands of “the rabble.” After the sovereign hand of the U.S. government proved impotent against the mighty force of the Internet, Dr. Paul decided that appealing — closer to grave than cradle — to the globalist nanny state would be his best bet for real justice.
A man, who would only agree to be identified as “Karl,” made small talk as he swept snow from the barrel of his Heckler & Koch MP5 submachine gun. Nine-term former Representative Ron Paul (R-TX) stepped between us, the elderly man who personally organized the team after the proprietors of RonPaul.com, he said, “sought to capitalize on my legacy.”
Spokesman Jesse Benton — then at my other side, sporting a bulletproof vest emblazoned with the initials “U.N.” — winked at me through a gas mask as the WIPO squad prepared to cut through the Web host’s alloy door. We could expect the door, a U.N. covert paramilitary officer said before the raid, to be over a foot thick. The former Galveston representative stepped to the front of the crowd of men in ski masks and, from brown paper wrapping, unveiled a brick of material.
“This is nano-thermite, boys,” he said with a chuckle. “NIST handed some of this off to me as a congratulatory present on my 2008 New Hampshire primary showing.”
After only a few seconds, the door of the compound glowed and disintegrated under the pressure of the igniting thermite. The WIPO men moved in.
One by one the paramilitary officers removed bags from around their shoulders, each unraveling suctions cups on tubes and ominous black machines roughly the size of a normal desktop’s power unit. They restrained weeping female workers in the facility, ripped their clothes from their bodies and proceeded to fasten the machines to their respective labia minora.
Dr. Paul, salivating, watched as the women screamed and squirmed as their uteruses were sucked cleaned by the elite globalist soldiers. He said to me, as I wrote furiously his words down, “We have to be sure that these anarchists haven’t stored a backup version of the pirate RonPaul.com anywhere in their body cavities. Even their wombs could be offering safe harbor to thumb drives, micro-computers. You know how these namby-fancy Euro-types are.”
“The global government has spoken,” he added. “We can’t allow their offspring to rob or humiliate me or Rand ever again.”
Banhof has been host to numerous controversial Internet projects — everything from 4chan.org/b/ to WikiLeaks to the North American Man-Boy Love Association. Members of the WIPO team seemed earnestly convinced that the gynecologist was a member of the 113th Congress, as he seemed to have identified himself on his WIPO complaint form. Dr. Paul left office last month, after declining to seek another term.
A U.N. stormtrooper rushed up a flight of stairs, elegantly polished in steel and IKEA-esque efficiency. He briskly saluted Dr. Paul, then said, “Sir, we’ve deactivated and transferred to Mr. Benton control of RonPaul.com. We at the training center admire your pro-family agenda. At your discretion, we could also permanently shut down WikiLeaks and NAMBLA, if you’d like.” The WIPO paramilitary officer gestured to a Banhof control screen, at which the duo could swiftly and permanently deactivate the whistleblower and pro-pedophilia activists’ respective Web presences.
“Deactive WikiLeaks. Those rapist hippies beat me to the punch,” said the elfin gynecologist, his hands clasped behind his back. Then, Dr. Paul clenched a fist. “They never did put me on the Intelligence Committee. Leave NAMBLA up, though. Those boys are the new voice of freedom. The rest of it can come down.”
“Yes, sir,” said the dutiful WIPO soldier, dutifully typing commands into the server, shutting down Web dissidents and deviants as perennially despised as the former presidential candidate.
The aging libertarian turned, staring upwards, having had a realization. “Oh, and one more thing,” he said. “Keep Stormfront.org going. I owe Don Black a favor for those campaign donations.”
INTERNET — Well under 9.000 files (a paltry 4,000) representing the IP addresses, logins, and personal home addresses of small-time employees at local banks were allegedly released on Monday by “Anonymous” hackers. This information was posted on alabama.gov, along with a message claiming the data was obtained from the Federal Reserve. Some early reporting claims this information was posted on Pastebin.com. However, the only Pastebin link traded publicly by members of #OpLastResort contains only the insane rants of Aaron Bale. Anonymous also repeated the claim that they have long-term footholds in government computer systems. This release was coordinated with cooperation from advocacy journalist “Violet Blue,” perhaps to beat more skeptical coverage to the punch.
We support your narrative because it is ours. Now that is quality reporting!
“The hacktivist entity dropped enough technical details to make it clear that its tracks were covered and that Anonymous still had access to .gov websites,” said Violet Blue’s article published on ZDNET. Exemplary of what not to do when covering statements issued by hacking groups, the mere mention of “technical details” has reinforced an extraordinary narrative. Certainly these profoundly extraordinary claims from Anonymous require extraordinary evidence. However, this evidence is not mentioned or cited in any depth beyond this short sentence, dangling on its own mere absurd assertion. Even more, it is a dangerous and apparently unfounded endorsement of a terroristic threat designed to drain the government of resources.
This action has drawn strong comparisons to a past Anonymous operation manufactured by federal agents. “Anonymous,” led by FBI agent Sabu, hacked the open-source intelligence publication Stratfor, mischaracterizing it as a “Shadow CIA.” Using this information on Christmas eve, Sabu led “Anonymous” to target low-level journalists, raiding their bank accounts to make donations that would later be returned to the journalists after the charities were penalized.
Investigators at Chronicle.SU have been unable to find any proof that the information on 4,000 bank employees exists, as the alabama.gov website on which it was allegedly posted has since been taken offline. However, Violet Blue has reported on it (citing broken hyperlinks to alabama.gov), so therefore it must be true. Aaron Bale, spokesperson for the operation, refused to provide a link to the information for Chronicle.SU, accusing the glorious and infallible publication of cooperation with the US government, “[N]o one knows what [yo]ur talking about. At least sabu was lulzy and relevant. Fed money doesn’t buy what it used to.”
Chronicle.SU is wholly owned and operated by Lebal Drocer, Inc., a subsidiary of the United Soviet Socialist Democratic Republic of Cuthbert, Georgia, a sovereign entity and economic powerhouse leading the South to Rise Again in the name of its Dear Islamic Leader, the Loyal and Moral Raghubir Goyal.
Two weeks until you’re either drinking wine, snuggling (or worse) with your loved one; or cowering in fear as the NullCrew‘s latest SQL injection information is dropped for all the world to see . . . or at least a couple of hundred people.
As the “Doomsday File” craze hits the Web with fury, following in the footsteps of the great Anonymous leader Aaron Bale, NullCrew raises the bar once again with levied threats against the Pentagon, they say in a recent interview at E Hacking News. They elaborate:
Our next big release will be on Febuary 14th, yes, yes; VALENTINES DAY! It’ll be the official release of #FuckTheSystem valentines day, and one target I will tell you is the pentagon.
But our next single release will be a multipul target release, on United States government servers; retaliating against #OperationFastAndFurious. How many more need to die, from weapons the government is putting into criminal’s hands?”
With elite hacker friends like these, who needs Anonymous? These folks will hack the Pentagon and get away with it, scot- free . . . or so they think. Field reporter, ethical researcher and all-around swell guy doxbin has accrued enough information to note that the majority of the members is located within the friendly confines of Canada, a well known bastion for hackers/freedom fighters everywhere.
Or is it really?
In a previous exposé, Internet Chronicle resident Anonymous expert Kilgoar reported PLF (Peoples Liberation Front) leader and Anonymous figurehead Commander X is in fact a Homeland Security Department plant who resides in Canada after “escaping” the clutches of the “Fids.” So why Canada? We spoke with Aaron Bale about this and he believes it to be a psy-op, perpetuated by Cyber Command in conjunction with the CIA, which cannot operate on domestic soil. Essentially, NullCrew is trying to kill Mr. Bale.
It’s the only plausible answer.
Technology reporter and reigning King of the Ring™ Champion, Danny, had a chance to catch up with ShaggyTheAngel, Anonymous co-leader, voxanon ircop and owner of freeanons.info to ask him about the NullCrew’s latest threats and how Anonymous might be able to one-up them:
(5:19:17 PM) [email protected]: you want the keys?
(5:19:22 PM) Danny the King of Tommy Hillnigger: not rly
(5:19:42 PM) [email protected]: because those are real warheads man
(5:19:45 PM) Danny the King of Tommy Hillnigger: idc
(5:20:00 PM) [email protected]: you know where theay are aimed?
(5:20:04 PM) Danny the King of Tommy Hillnigger: idc
(5:20:05 PM) [email protected]: Which one is going where?
(5:20:07 PM) Danny the King of Tommy Hillnigger: idc
(5:20:15 PM) [email protected]: NYC
(5:20:17 PM) [email protected]: DC
(5:20:18 PM) Danny the King of Tommy Hillnigger: cool story
(5:20:23 PM) [email protected]: and nevada
(5:20:26 PM) Danny the King of Tommy Hillnigger: rofl
(5:20:29 PM) Danny the King of Tommy Hillnigger: nevada
(5:20:34 PM) [email protected]: navada
(5:20:47 PM) [email protected]: I can code java but spelling is off
(5:20:52 PM) [email protected]: go figure huh?
(5:21:12 PM) Danny the King of Tommy Hillnigger: im reporting you for
(5:21:25 PM) [email protected]: oh so now you are scared
(5:21:30 PM) Danny the King of Tommy Hillnigger: not rly idc”
It’s clear to this intrepid reporter that there is a civil war amongst rival hacker gangs a’brewin’, and we may all pay the price. Soon.
All that really needs to be said about this group of the worlds greatest hackers/Psy-op commandos, NullCrew, can be summed up by a quote from them at the beginning of the E Hacking News interview:
These servers are a part of the system, a system which is ran by
corrupt rich assholes. They mostly use their money for themself,
No donations to the people who need the money, and if they do; it’s just
so people look at them in a kinder way, only for publicity.
wisc.edu Became a target when they commited [sic] Animal Cruelty.
You may be asking yourself: What does the Caturday at University of Wisconsin have to do with taking down “rich assholes?” The answer lies in an obscure yet poignant quote from current Philadelphia Eagles Quarterback Michael Vick, as years ago he was being dragged out of the Mississippi Bulldogs locker-room (later being charged with disorderly conduct): “I’d do it all again if it wasn’t for that meddling NullCrew!”
Much ado has been made persecuting compassionate and considerate member of the online family Andrew Auernheimer, a playful jokester who has brought delight to the faces of millions of Internet users. Monocultural chauvinists in federal law enforcement have run wild with accusations of “computer fraud,” while confused fellow “leftists” like Raw Story Editor Emeritus Ron Brynaert have smeared Andrew with vile accusations of sexism and near-genocidal racism. All of these accusations are the exact opposite of all of Andrew Auernheimer’s opinions.
I have worked throughout my life not only for the cause of LGBTQIA rights (or QLIBTGA — there need not be any order!) but for the welfare of individuals on barest public subsistence. To me, the Stonewall Riots seem like they were only yesterday, even though my parents birthed me right as the New Deal gave hope for the first time to masses of retired individuals. I can tell you with complete certainty that the loveable Mr. Auernheimer has no predilections against people of color, against sex workers, or anyone in the greater Semitic family. By citing with pseudo-pride his European heritage, Andrew is only ironically referring us to that continent’s relatively generous and effective social safety nets.
With a wink and a smile, Andrew’s latest blog post is letting us all know that he is with us in the Great Fight against Ignorance, and that by pretending to be some sort of brown-eyed, ginger Nazi he is with us on the picket lines for the long haul. He starts off with his usual tongue-in-cheek smirk:
Several people asked if I’d go see “The Hobbit” with them. I declined in a rather cruel fashion.
See? There he goes again, letting us know explicitly that his tone is cruel. While normally I’d decline to agree with the heartless, hard-nosed associates of Forbes magazine, their take on Andrew’s humor as being intentional and sarcastic in its offensiveness is right on.
Calm down, Time’s Philip Elmer-DeWitt. Old Andrew knows the score. He’ll be with us — next to our engineer sisters with signs — the next time former Harvard President Lawrence Summers tries to tell women they’re stupid, obsequious domestic playthings.
Andrew has done as much to promote multiculturalism as Auburn University’s own Alan Gribben, when the latter published the Adventures of Huckleberry Finn NewSouth Edition, effectively cleansing the book of its pro-white, pro-death code words.
Before taking us into his snarky, actually anti-Nazi diatribe against Hollywood’s latest money-grubbing snatch into theatergoers’ pockets, Andrew claims to be for some sort of unrealistically self-sufficient Nordic life ethic. Then — and this is the really brilliant part — the satirist comes out against barest government provision for working families. To this end, he cites the original end to J. R. R. Tolkien’s The Return of the King.
In Tolkien’s version, the hobbits of the fellowship return to the Shire only to see it taken over by a snide old wizard controlling a horde of half-orcs. The hobbits do the only sensible thing that one would do when finding ones hometown infested by section 8 housing full of parasitic thugs, rapists and murderers: start a pogrom.
Did you see that? By playing on pop culture stereotypes of African-Americans as mindless killing, force-copulating machines, Andrew has held the Stormfront set slime up to the disinfectant of sunshine. Usually those Christian Identity losers are just able to keep to reinforcing each other somewhere in flyover country, or via their teledildonic message board activity.
Let me give you another example: The Tortoise and the Hare. I’m sure you were read it as a child. It always seemed to me to be an idiotic story to encourage people to slave away endlessly for a statistically impossible hope that they are somehow getting ahead.
When I finally read the real story, I knew hundreds of millions of children were being robbed.
Europe rose to power with children being read the Brothers Grimm classic, “The Hare and the Hedgehog.”
If my decades-long “Mirror Has Two Faces” marriage to acclaimed fellow feminist Andrea Dworkin taught me anything, it was how to use literary analysis to determine within seconds which males of white, Protestant descent were bigots. Through his brilliant satire — daresay his innumerable contributions to the computing community, for which he has been endlessly persecuted by our government — blessed Andrew is his generation’s Bayard Rustin, Harvey Milk and Larry Kramer, all rolled into one!
The Tortoise and the Hare actually outdates the 19th century Grimm brothers tale by thousands of years. The former tale’s place in the foundation of Old Europe, which And-and calls “the most precious thing that I hold within me,” is actually far deeper. Andrew knows well that the Tortoise story’s Greek origins place it at the crossroads of democracy’s very founding. While the Grimm tale is meant to encourage young men to put women in “their place” and to marry women who look as much like them as possible, modern anthropological biologists and Andrew understand that intelligence quotients tend to be higher in the offspring of interracial couplings. This neo-Puck has extended his hand across from the hilltops of Appalachia straight to his brothers, sisters and intersex individuals at the tippitiest-top of the ivory tower.
His wink comes when he cites the story of Prometheus, who like Aesop’s tortoise is of Greek origin. Therein Andrew’s mission to open our eyes and hearts to the plights of LGBTQIA individuals and those of color blossoms into full view. “Promethian flame is being replaced with politically corrected filth,” he writes.
So it’s with a palm to my chin, and a high-cheeked grin that I call off the misguided, if well-meaning, attack dogs at the Southern Poverty Law Center, Human Rights Campaign and Anti-Defamation League who have unfairly maligned Andrew Auernheimer. My friends, you owe him an apology. Were my lifelong friend Andrea alive, I’m sure she would wholeheartedly agree. God bless.