‘Anonymous’ Idea Arrested

“You can’t arrest an idea”~Topiary

INTERNET — Thursday, Anonymous, the idea, was arrested by the U.S. Government. Tired of butthurt countercultural types touting such a smug slogan, Anonymous imagery was symbolically “imprisoned” at Guantanamo Bay. “We just wanted to show those kids that, yes, we can arrest an idea. We’ve arrested every single one of those snide kids and we’re waiting on evidence so we can make a move on the rest,” said Guantanamo Torture Artist President Obama.

Barrett Brown didn’t have time to comment, as he was busy rewriting his book to reflect how wrong he was about Sabu. When offered advice from Chronicle.SU strategists on countering persona management with increased use of reverse Turing Tests, Brown flew into an uncontrollable rage. “Why should I listen to YOU? You’re just some freak who was completely right when I was woefully wrong about Sabu.” Brown’s indictment for grievous lapses in journalistic ethics remains hilarious, and his continued hijacking of Anonymous for huge personal profits has paid off with his new fake title of “Ex-Anonymous Spokesperson Security Expert.” Brown has been featured by clueless networks like Bloomberg and Russia Today because of his facile relationship with so-called Anonymous ‘Snitch’ leadership.

Kids, the hate’s only beginning! Hold on Tight, because if you think Barrett Brown’s been a silly-nilly wait till you hear about Assange!

Assange has gone completely insane with power! The mission of WikiLeaks has drifted from revealing government ‘cover ups’ of accidental killings of journalists to ratting out internal gossip at Stratfor, a ‘fellow’ publisher! If that’s not enough, they’re responsible for at least one hoax planting lies (!) on a New York Times columnist who would never say such things.

AND ANONYMOUS HAS FINALLY, INEXTRICABLY, BLOWN THEIR COVER!

As we all know, Anonymous is a longstanding phenomenon of angry kids who gang up out of nowhere to DDoS web sites that piss them off for some reason. This has been going on long before the term ‘Anonymous’ gave such a group a crystallized identity. Now that the ‘Internet’ and ‘Social Media’ are big things, they’re able to generate huge headlines by leeching of of Internet-related media events and leveraging the ‘cool,’ threatening imagery. Used to be they’d have to take down Yahoo or something to get any attention, but that was back when Yahoo meant something. Kids these days, I’m tellin’ ya…

BUT WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH CHRIST ASSANGE?

So now this contrived mantra, “DDoS is something like a sit-in during the Civil Rights movement,” has been put to the fucking test. The sacred WikiLeaks has come under DDoS attack from an opposing camp, AntiLeaks, which considers WikiLeaks a new form of terrorism. The argument, which is consistent with Assange’s own theories, is that these major leaks are not intended to reveal specific crimes but rather to inhibit communications networks and undermine, specifically, America’s imperialism. There’s nails, strings, and planks of wood. You probably couldn’t understand Assange’s transcendently enlightened Theory of Conspiracy without decades of self-absorption.

What did Anonymous say to this act of ‘free speech?’ WE WILL DESTROY YOU, ANTILEAKS!

PLEASE CONCLUDE SO MY SIMPLE MIND CAN SYNTHESIZE ALL THIS NONSENSE!

Assange let his Jimmies get Rustled and became worse than Rupert Murdoch. Much worse. Instead of letting a broken bureaucracy do his dirty work through mismanagement, Assange has engaged directly, if the body of evidence is not all fabricated, in intensely unethical, questionable practices. Enlisting hackers, educating informants in hacking techniques, and putting on hoaxes is not behavior I can defend. It’s disgusting and sick! Shame on Assange! Shame on Brown! Shame on Topiary! Shame! Shame! Shame! Shame! *chant continues until all of Occupy has been arrested.*

 

 

Topiary pleads guilty to satisfy the butthurt bloodlust of a wretched justice system

This is a horse

Topiary (Jake Davis) plead guilty to excellent charges of heroism, including an attack on the Serious Organized Crime Agency (SOCA).

SOCA is an unjust, contradictory agency established by the Illuminati to attack internet security through freedom reduction.

Dr. Liebehart Schwartz of the Cannibiological Institute of Human Progress called Topiary a “hero” and “a freedom fighter,” for fighting against authority with not just technical prowess, but his words, too. “Because of toxic organizations like SOCA and the NSA, people are less safe on the internet now than they were in the year 2000.

With Topiary’s wit and charm, LulzSec was able to captivate a larger audience, earning their sympathy and support. That’s what made him dangerous.

“Any blind nigger can exploit a security vulnerability left over from Web 2.0.” said Schwartz, “But with Topiary’s wit and charm, LulzSec was able to captivate a larger audience, earning their sympathy and support. That’s what made him dangerous.”

Asperger’s enthusiast Ryan Cleary also pled guilty to various charges, none of which included being a snitch.

Eat your cheese, rat.

Topiary enjoys a large support base including #FreeTopiary on Twitter, young intellectuals, and the mighty thundercock of justice and hate better known by you as the chronicle.su.

Topiary and his lesser counterparts will stand trial April 2013. If convicted, Topiary faces prison time. Make no bones about it, he will be handed a prison sentence, which should make for a more interesting year for everyone who has watched the LulzSec case from beginning to end, after the Beast of Greed and Delusions rears its ugly head once again.

This message was brought to you by Norton Internet Security. Are you scared yet?

Gamer retires from life as time consuming Diablo III career takes off

Jim Hannahan

Jim Hannahan, pictured during his last known public appearance, smiles comfortably just outside the wretched clutches of a long and rewarding Diablo III career.

Roanoke, Va.– 28-year-old Kroger clerk Jim Hannahan stopped going into work when he realized being a cashier at the supermarket was not only beneath a level 60 Legendary Monk, but cut directly into game time.

What at first he believed might be a rough transition came more naturally than expected, Jim said. “I used to just play it in my spare time,” he explained, “but then I found myself abandoning heavy responsibilities like work and nutrition. Now I’m peeing in bottles and setting them by the desk. I just dump ’em out later, whenever I’m in town.”

What began as a casual hobby gradually assumed full time control of area man Jim’s coping mechanisms, creeping into his sex drive and profoundly changing his habits among regular society. There is no longer a facet of Jim’s life Diablo III does not touch.

While experts suggest Jim suffers from depression and social anxiety, others aspire to his achievements, which are logged indefinitely at his profile, BabyDust#1662, on the Battle.net servers.

Tommy Sellers, 14, purchased Diablo III on release day but, because of school and extracurricular activities his parents “forced him into,” he is only level 52 on the Hell difficulty setting. Tommy expressed a desire to drop more time consuming activities like baseball and French Club in order to play Diablo III (Game of the Year) and eat Hot Pockets, a wonderful product. “Jimmy’s already on Inferno pushing the devil back into the underworld,” said Tommy, “and here I am learning French like a sap – like a fucking faggot. All I’m learning in French class is surrender – to my parents! I wish I didn’t have to do anything so I could just go up to my room and play Diablo III forever. I hate my fucking bitch mom.”

One night, out of nowhere, Jim woke up the whole neighborhood, bellowing ‘YOU CAN’T FUCKING HEAL ME!?’

To fully engage Diablo III, Jim takes dietary supplements for nourishment and has resorted to daily intake of Baby Dust Pills, a tremendous product, in order to release aggression through masturbation. Jim said dying all the time is not only costly monetarily, but causes unhealthy spikes in blood pressure followed by “inexplicable” heart palpitations and crying fits.

“Jim’s in a world of pain he’s just going to have to fight his way out of, alongside Barbarians and Demon Hunters.”

Tammy Hannahan, Jim’s mother

A friend close to Jim, who asked that she remain Anonymous, said he is prone to sudden outbursts between long stretches of tomb-like silence. “One night, out of nowhere, Jim woke up the whole neighborhood, bellowing ‘YOU CAN’T FUCKING HEAL ME!?’ at the NPC [non-playable character] following him around. I said, ‘Jim, they can’t hear you!’ and he didn’t respond, not a word. He just kept shaking his head, and clicking. Oh, the clicking!”

Jim Hannahan has not expressed plans to go back to work, because playing Diablo III, dying repeatedly and farming for gold, he said, “feels enough like work already.”

th3j35t3r brings the heat down on Wounded Warriors

UGNazi's leader: Dana White?

Self-styled “Patriot hacktivist for good,” th3j35t3r, has famously used his platform as a criminal vigilante to solicit donations for the Wounded Warrior Project. The Wounded Warrior Project came under attack early Friday morning from a possible Anonymous splinter group known as UGNazi, which insistently denies any affiliation with Anonymous.

Critics of th3j35t3r suggest that using such highly controversial and illegal acts of vigilantism to promote the Wounded Warrior Project is not appropriate, and most soldiers would not approve if they were aware. However, the Wounded Warrior Project has indeed thanked th3j35t3r for his support in the past, possibly unaware they may have jeopardized the safety of their own web presence by doing so.

Although the story is still developing, it is important to note that UGNazi did not, in fact, attack the Wounded Warrior Project’s actual donation page. Predictably, th3j35t3r has accused UGNazi of an alliance with Anonymous and has promised reprisal, as vigilante law dictates.

Lurk moar: Ryan Cleary violates bail after talking to Sabu, goes directly to jail

Ryan Cleary

Ryan Cleary was seen wearing the same clothes during his March arrest as when he was arrested last summer, but according to eyewitness reports, "looked more like a zombie this time."

LONDON — Internet snitch Ryan Cleary‘s lawyer made no attempt to defend her client’s retardation Saturday as she told chronicle.su he has been in prison since March 5 for talking to Sabu over Christmas, a violation of his bail.

Even though Sabu was, by that time, fully employed by the FBI, Ryan and a few other people who don’t read chronicle.su still thought he was on their side, and probably said some criminal-ass shit to him.

Cleary is lurking Chelmsford Prison near London.

He will go before a judge in May alongside LulzSec‘s very own Jake Davis, a.k.a. Topiary.

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The Lebal Drocer Hate-Coil "Mind Over Matter"

Sabu: Fall From Grace

[10:16:53 PM] Frank Mason:

The biggest named hacker in the world right now used to endorse chronicle.su until we found out he’s working for the FBI. Then he decided he hates us. He wrote nasty stuff about us. Nobody believed us when we warned them he’s working with the government. About three days ago, news hit that Sabu is the biggest snitch in online criminal history, revealing that Hector Xavier Monsegur, his true identity, has been working from within FBI offices since early August of last year.
We were right, before anyone else was.

How I got close to Sabu [and sniffed him out]

I was close friends with Sabu and he had not yet learned to distrust the lethal journo-satirist combo that I turned out to be, so our friendship began something like this:

2011-07-26 @ANONYMOUSABU

July 5, 2011 3:45 p.m. EST
I often lurk as Gacy but changed my name so Sabu could identify me.

Gacy: Hey Sabu
Sabu: hi
Hatefiend: I write for Chronicle.SU
Hatefiend: I don’t want to see you put away. The A-team bullshit, though.
Sabu: theres no need to worry mate, I’m nto being out away
Sabu: all that dox and info is failed/incorrect/or disinfo
Sabu: btw thanks for those articles they’ve been great :)
Hatefiend: That’s a relief, like you don’t even know.
Hatefiend: And thank you, it’s a huge compliment coming from you.
Sabu: no problem
Sabu: if theres anything I can do to help Chronicle.SU by all means take advantage now mate
Sabu: cause at this point hal of the worlds agencies are after me
Sabu: dont be surprised if you see interpol.int warrants on me
Sabu: half*
Sabu: haha
Sabu: I feel like I’m sounded a bit overzealous but sadly its the truth
Sabu: .win 285
Hatefiend: You gave me hope where there was none before.
Sabu: thanks mate. and you’re giving me more motivation
Hatefiend: If people carry this trend forward, then you’ll always live on. I hope you have a good-looking face, because I am afraid it’s only a matter of time before it becomes associated with the movement.
Sabu: indeed. I’m handsome methinks don’t worry about that. I’ll make sure to stash a top hat in my house in case I am raided
Sabu: and if media is there
Sabu: I’ll come out with class
Sabu: :D
Hatefiend: What could you possibly do for the Chronicle.SU?
Sabu: not sure, wear a chronicle.su shirt while I get raided?
Sabu: so its all over the news
Sabu: and all you see is CHRONICLE.SU and my handsome ass in a tophat and a pair of boxers
Sabu: I’ll be put into a fucking mental asylum honestly
Hatefiend: lol’d
Sabu: not sure man just let me know if there is anything I can do
Hatefiend: I remember back when you guys were taking hack requests, I had a really good one in mind but now I can’t remember it.
Hatefiend: Maybe we could do an interview soon?
Hatefiend: Like, about your daily life
Hatefiend: who you respect
Hatefiend: stuff like that
Hatefiend: The guy who makes our t-shirts said he’d try to work something out with you.

Tyler Bass of chronicle.su obtained the world’s very first interview with LulzSec.

LulzSec uniquely inspired many creative individuals, such as ourselves, to tap into our roots and what makes us laugh. It was all about the lulz.

SABU-KICKER

This is a kicker image used to introduce an article. Hugo Carvalho was incorrectly identified as Sabu July 13, 2011. Click the picture for the relevant, but incorrect story.

July 27, 2011

Topiary of LulzSec fame is one of the first people to take the fall under sabu’s tyranny. If you know the whole story, you might think it’s a bit early in the game to make that call, but perhaps you forgot you’re reading the fucking chronicle.su and need to be reminded that not only are we funny, lovable guys, but we’re also way smarter than you.

Sabu happily accepted any conspiracy theory regarding Topiary I could invent on his behalf, as he deflected accusations of his own:

July 26, 2011 4:42 a.m. EST

Hatefiend: how ya been man
Sabu: I’ve been good mate
Sabu: and you?
Hatefiend: recovering from a collapsed lung.
Hatefiend: it might’ve recollapsed tonight. I’m gonna wait it out
Sabu: you serious man?
Sabu: I’m sorry to hear that
Hatefiend: yep. this is old brutus btw. thanks broseph
Sabu: I hope you recover soon
Hatefiend: i appreciate it
Sabu: you sounded good on the radio wtf you’re a pro
Hatefiend: me too
Hatefiend: thanks, but I pause quite a bit for a “pro”
Sabu: haha
Sabu: been reading the site. you guys are doing great
Sabu: honestly you’re literally something we need for #voice project
Hatefiend: well we’re just doing what we do, man.
Hatefiend: I appreciate your compliments
Sabu: ;)
Hatefiend: that drunk bitch in washington, melissa hopkins, actually thought my interview with topiary was real
Hatefiend: asking why it didn’t go mainstream
Sabu: ROFL
Sabu: I know man
Sabu: people are slow
Sabu: I had literally
Sabu: like
Sabu: 20 tweets and 50 messages here
Sabu: OMFG IS IT TRUE
Sabu: no..
Hatefiend: looool
Hatefiend: that’s great
Sabu: I should have said yes
Hatefiend: it couldn’t hurt, dude. he’s been quiet from his personal account so it would’ve fit the conspiracy
Hatefiend: well shit I am gonna probably actually go to the hospital and get a chest x-ray now. It’s getting painful
Sabu: ok brother
Sabu: good luck and becareful
Sabu: let me know how it goes when you get back
Hatefiend: thanks. i keeps it real. catch you later man. I’ll be in touch

July 26, 2011

Sabu loves chronicle.su - as long as we're preaching the party line

Sabu loved chronicle.su - as long as we echoed the party line he and the feds were preaching.

I spoke some meaningful words on behalf of our dear friend, Topiary:

Sabu’s Twitter account fell silent for about one week while the feds processed him. As high profile as his disappearance was, rumors indicating Sabu had been caught with his pants down were readily dispelled with a lie about some dead grandmother of his who never existed.

[10:22:37 PM] Frank Mason:

He started offering sums of money to people out of nowhere, to hack this system, or that one.

6:17:22 PM virus: he gave me IPs, asked me to access their accounts with their IP and asked me to access their emails
6:17:25 PM virus: told me he would pay me
6:17:42 PM Sam Biddle: did you?
6:17:53 PM virus: no, I found that to be suspicious and declined

[10:23:06 PM] Frank Mason:

I joined him in IRC for a private chat, and his attitude toward me had shifted. I soon found myself perched safely on the outside of Sabu’s circle of trust. Because chronicle.su didn’t play the game Sabu wanted us to play, he disregarded all my further efforts to reach him.

Sabu’s attitude toward me shifted further as I began pressing him for details as to why he sucked my best buddy Topiary back into LulzSec after he knew the feds had a fix on him – but not before he publicly dodged my public line of questioning altogether:

[10:24:03 PM] Frank Mason:

Little did I know Sabu had already been at Kilgore Trout’s throat because Trout had just revealed Sabu’s role as a government informant:

Sabu butthurt

I don't see why he was so mad. Nobody believed us anyway.

[10:24:50 PM] Frank Mason:

Topiary was a good writer, and friend to chronicle.su. Better than Sabu. Sabu destroyed that young boy’s life, who was only out to have a bit of fun. When shit got heavy, Jake Davis stepped out because all Jake wanted to do was write satire and fuck with Murdoch, and play XBOX and read his science fiction. He didn’t want to be involved in this shit but Sabu lured him back in like a trapdoor spider, knowing full well the gravity of Topiary’s (Jake’s) situation, because Sabu was working for the feds. Jake is scheduled to enter his plea May 11.

As recently as last month, Sabu the Snitch [inappropriately] hung another, even younger boy, Charrie Wongz, out to dry:

Now it’s your turn, motherfucker.

call naked negi from encyclopedia dramatica tonite only.

NegiSpringfield 1800 sexsmells

CALL HIM HE LOVES TO CHAT ABOUT EVERTHING. FROM GNAA-CHRISCHAN-TINA TURNERS RECENT PASSING.

 

STRATFOR HACK A FALSE FLAG!

SABU was working with the FBI when Stratfor was hacked

Sabu, leader of both AntiSec and LulzSec, was actually working with the FBI during the Christmas hack of STRATFOR, and the entire meaning of this event has come into question. Is it possible that what has become the biggest story for WikiLeaks in several months was actually planned by the FBI from the outset? Analysts suggest that yes, this entire leak was designed from the ground up by the FBI to discredit the hacktivism movement. In fact, the bizarre and uncharacteristic move by Anonymous to work with WikiLeaks was the first sign something was not right.

Experts have all agreed that Stratfor is actually not a well-connected intelligence agency, but instead a bumbling assortment of analysts who are mostly amateurs. Many of the outlandish statements made by amateurs at Stratfor have been blown out of proportion and taken out of context. This is exactly what law enforcement wants, because it discredits Anonymous, WikiLeaks, and most importantly Julian Assange.

In related news, Barrett Brown’s apartment was raided, but he was not arrested. This can only mean that Barrett Brown is most likely working with the FBI as well.

TehWongz retires from hacking

Charrie Wongz (@TehWongz) was recently kicked out of Destructivesec following his alleged arrest and cooperation with law enforcement agencies. In a recently leaked conference call, agents used derisive terms to refer to Wongz.

Wongz is fifteen years old and has been hacking since he was twelve. He has hacked the online video game service Steam, as well as going on the offensive against his own school. By planting a malicious batch file into the school’s system, he crashed every computer with one swift stroke.

Wongz denies allegations that he is in any way working with law enforcement or that he was ever affiliated with Anonymous. However, he does admit he did have his computer equipment confiscated and had a voluntary interview with police. He is currently campaigning to raise money for a new laptop.

Sadly, Wongz informed us that he has retired from hacking at the request of his girlfriend.