After much thought and heavy consideration, Media Mogul of Chronicle.SU ended his long-running campaign of support for Libyan leader Muammar Gaddafi, and denounced him Thursday.
“We believe he’s been kind of mean,” said Mogul.
Chronicle.SU described Gaddafi’s actions as “rude, unnecessary and uncalled for.”
“We don’t like how he treated them boys,” said Mogul. “I think those people deserve drugs and videogames more than anybody, and it’s a tragedy he ever took it away when that whole thing went down. But I guess that is why, as he died, they raped him with a broom handle.”
Coming up, after the break:Why YOU should medicate YOUR depressed children, starting from birth.
Preconceived notions of what it means to “look like a rapist” are being challenged in the Virginia State Supreme Court after admitted serial killer Victor Champ was apprehended by police in yet another case of mistaken identity, and having to go before dozens of police lineups following a rash of sexual assaults around college campuses in the Southeastern US.
It was embarrassing… humiliating… and sick.
Victor “Angel of Death” Champ, known serial killer
“Just because you might think I’m dressed like I want to rape somebody doesn’t doesn’t make it my fault when police stop me as I’m skulking around town,” Champ said. “What I do with my body is my choice, and I should not have to feel ashamed for wearing blood on my clothes, learning people’s habits, and sitting for hours in a van parked outside your house.”
A murderer calling himself Vince said there is no safe space where a murderer can openly be himself anymore.
“We used to meet up at Pop’s Chocolate Shop on the third Tuesday of every month for ice cream sundaes,” Vince, who asked that his first name not be given, told Internet Chronicle on Thursday. “I would eat Victor’s cherries, because he couldn’t eat cherries.”
That’s when police began to notice the men. “We were just killing people in our spare time, doing our thing, having coffee together in the evenings,” Champ said. “But now it’s late at night. We’re stalking neighborhoods.”
A haggard and mangy bum whom Richmond locals call ‘Brooks’ said he knows when he is being profiled, and blames police prejudice for Champ’s recent mistreatment. Brooks says it isn’t fair how police believe all scraggly, cold-eyed men everywhere, wearing dirty clothes in cul-de-sacs are there to commit violent sex crimes.
“My god, we aren’t rapists!” Brooks said. “We were looking for murder victims. What do you think, I’m some kind of animal? No, man, I kill middle-aged businessmen who are on their way back home from the gym, and are too tired to put up a struggle, and later I mail pieces of their bodies to their family members over long periods of time. Okay, so please, spare me your judgment.”
Out of 25 police departments contacted for this story, none would respond but the Richmond Police Department, who most recently misapprehended Champ, the “Angel of Death” serial killer responsible for the murders and disappearances of more than 60 people from Alabama, Texas and Arkansas. RPD released a statement refusing to name the offending officer, adding only that the matter is being investigated internally, and they will punish anyone found fucking up or whatever, definitely. Just chill.
Washington, D.C.–The cost of freedom rose another ten barrels of crude Friday, according to a Pentagon report published by Secretary of War Donald Scumsfeld.
Freedom, experts say, might never be free again, according to projections by the War Secretary that reveal an alarming increase in the cost of freedom over time.
“We expect the cost of freedom to double, or possibly even triple with the cost of oil in the third quarter, depending on what rights people are willing to give up, and in exchange for which illusions of security the NSA might reasonably offer.”
Millennials are pussies.
Donald Scumsfeld, Sec. of Ass-Kickin’ Drone Warfare
Some liberal cowards don’t want war, Scumsfeld said. Others hate foreigners enough to support total invasion and occupation their oil-rich desert countries.
“Our research shows Millennials are pussies, this much is obvious,” Scumsfeld said. “But even so, [they] don’t mind drone strikes as long as they don’t have to see pictures of dead kids on Instagram or Twitter.”
“Ew, get these gross dead people off my timeline!” – @J3ssicaR4bbit27
An unanswered CNN poll revealed that – although Americans are still largely divided along party lines – one thing Americans can agree on is that freedom of choice represents a right to the freedom not to choose.
One participant in the poll, who did not answer the poll but instead commented in the field below, said:
“We don’t care what all the government takes, as long as they don’t take away my American Pickers.”
Another good American citizen said he doesn’t like the way people in turbans make him feel, and that a search-and-seizure warrant should not be necessary as long as the government’s suspicions were “justifiable” and based on “gut instinct.”
“When I look at somebody’s different from me, I can’t really put into words the terror and confusion I feel in my gut instinct,” Anonymous bravely stated. “All I know is, when I get scared, I get mean and hateful, and buddy let me tell you this right now: If I get scared and attack somebody I hate on the basis of my prejudgments – or, prejudice, if you will – and you want to call that a hate crime, then by God, I guess I’m a hate criminal. What do you call that? Like a terrorist, but the other way around, right?”
Like many Americans on the Fourth of July, the despicable Chinese also take a break from stamping out iPhone 7s to celebrate their freedom every year on June Fourth – the same date of “the incident” that should under no circumstance be named.
At that, we turn to our Freedom Correspondent who writes from Freedom, Wisconsin, located at the crossroads of the Fox Valley. That’s right. Freedom is really located on the FOX Valley.
Freedom, Wi.–Nothing’s free here. You have to pay for groceries, a house, your car – even gasoline. Some people just stare at the Sun, because it appears free. Little do they know, even staring at the Sun comes at a great cost. Little Timmy Sutherland, of Cartaret County, Wisconsin, lost his vision after staring directly into the sun during a commercial break from Naruto.
And so on, you get the idea. Good lord, are you still reading this?
WARNING: Parental Discretion is ABSOLUTELY ADVISED.
THE FOLLOWING IS EXTREMELY INSENSITIVE AND SHOULD NOT BE VIEWED BY ANYONE, EVER. Original Tragedies happen every day, but at Lebal Drocer, they can happen any time!
And now this message:
9/11 is retarded. Listen to this. If you are still falling for that old, watch-out-or-9/11-could-happen-again trick, I got news for you, son:
Ain’t nothin‘ in that for you. This about money. This about power. This about high level politics that have nothing to do with your cowardly fear and hatred of other people who ain’t like you. This about hacking, brother. This about the nukes. Park in the hot sun and come out here.
This about the Moon Landing, which happened. This about the political Mind Crawler that penetrated your thoughts, printed itself onto every page in the media, and left you high and dry on propaganda, sucking daddy’s thumb. This about the rocket that just landed twice. Of course I still love you.
This is like the 9/11 of thought, dude
From sportswriters to President Business, the 9/11 incantation is spat out across altars and danced around until a devil appears in the smoke and asbestos, and the towers fall on command. This is the real news.
Happiness is an illusory reprieve from deep suffering. Some folks call it a kaiser blade. I call it a sling blade. Baby’s buried in the yard. Moles found him.
Remember TV, when you had to “catch” things? 9/11 got the highest ratings in TV history. Catch the all-new 9/11 Thursday at 8, on NBC. See why critics are calling it the worst tragedy in history!
This episode is brought to you by Lockheed-Martin, United Airlines, and Tyler Perry’s Drone Wars, a new sitcom about four quirky Muslims hiding in a bomb shelter.
LEBAL DROCER OWNS THIS WEBSITE AND EVERYTHING YOU SEE It’s still a pretty good old website, though.
The funniest part about the 911 truth movement is when they said the whole northeast fleet had training that day and they were outta the office.
They said every fucking aircraft was occupied. They couldn’t bring down the other plane.
We were baked watching ground zero footage.
They said they were taking an early lunch.
There’s a recruitment center right in the middle of Times Square, in front of the famous tiny NYPD station. Go in there and join us, or die.
To ensure sustainable resource quantities for all people of the United States, President Trump visited the Roanoke River Catfish Farm.
The Juche Farm has successfully become a world-class, large-scale fish farm, pumping fish on an industrial scale into the Roanoke River from high within the Blue Ridge Mountains, supplying Virginians with food and resources.
Trump looked around the newly arranged room for education in the revolutionary history room, dedicated to the history of the farm.
Noting the farm is one of the legacies bequeathed by leader Ronald Reagan to the people and service personnel of Roanoke County, he said that its officials and employees should work hard to keep the fish breeding going at a high rate, as it is an important work not only to preserve the high prestige of Ronald Reagan, but also to translate his lifetime wish into reality.
Going around various places of the farm, including sci-tech rooms, combined control rooms, breeding grounds where the fish fuck, hatcheries, and fattening grounds, he learned in detail, and with fatherly care, about the progress made in fish breeding and modernization.
It will be possible to accelerate the development of the country’s catfish breeding if websites are set up in computers at the sci-tech room to help employees browse and grasp advanced catfish-breeding methods and catfish farms exchange successes and grow from one another’s advancements, Trump said. He added that the inclusion of an upstream chemical waste disposal facility would spur development of new, delicious species of catfish never before tasted by any living tongue.
Scrutinizing the performance of an automatic feeding machine manufactured by scientists and engineers of the State Academy of Sciences with their concerted efforts, he said it was well-made and believes it will suit the development of any new species created as gestures of his Love and Goodwill to all American subjects.
“It was modernly made with recourse to indigenous brain power and efficiency,” Trump said. “And it’s how we’ll soon make people.”
Being pleased to see only two employees of the farm manage 16 large ponds housing more than 10,000 catfishes, he praised it as a manpower-saving farm wanted by the Party.
He was satisfied to see swarms of big catfishes in each pond and frozen catfishes piled up at the freezing storage.
It is a great success that the Roanoke River Catfish Farm was modernly built in the country’s famous coastal plain suitable for breeding warm water catfish to make it possible to annually breed more than 3,000 tons of catfish, he said.
He gave important instructions for managing and operating the farm, saying its officials and employees should set a higher goal and work hard to attain it as the farm has been transformed into an iconic catfish farm, to compete against Hilton hotels.
And he gave special thanks in the name of the USA Supreme Commander General Mattis to the soldier-builders who turned the farm into a model and standard in pisciculture and a proud edifice in the Second Great Era, as intended by the Party, and thus realized the desire of Ronald Reagan and enhanced his prestige.
Noting the Party reposes high expectations of the farm, he expressed belief that its officials and employees would take the lead in implementing Party policies.
Accompanying Him were Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour, head of Research and Development Program of the USSA Population Planning Kommittee.
Troubadour, a loving devotee to President Trump, said the fish farm tricks people into thinking they’ve caught the real thing.
“These fish are stupid,” Troubadour explained with compassion and reason in his voice. “They wear themselves out, losing 90% of their weight over a lifetime because a real fish doesn’t waste energy foolishly chasing food all over the river. But hey, it makes the fishermen happy. We throw them a bone.”
Hi, I’m Dr. Angstrom Hire Troubledames and I am chief of human resources at the legendary chemical warfare contractor and Internet Chronicle publisher Lebal Drocer, Inc. At Lebal Drocer we specialize in putting tear gas and mustard gas into the wrong hands at the right time. Watch out Assad! The chemical monster’s comin’ to gitcha! (Just kidding. We like to have fun, here! [But seriously, watch it]).
But I come to you today with a message. Good tidings. And I’d like to extend a veiny, rock-hard olive branch to all the pretty ladies out there just looking for a job, or an excuse to leave the house.
More to the point, my bosses have been riding me like a whore four on the floor over hiring practices, and our lawyers are telling me it’s high time we show a little beaver in the workplace. So here’s my pitch (a “pitch” is when one man tries to sell his idea to another man – or, in this case – a woman):
Construction workers are often misunderstood as misogynistic, aggressive cat callers according to Lebal Drocer Ethics Board Chairman Raleigh T. Hatesec.
“In actuality,” Dr. Hatesec explained, “the men shouting from down in that hole are trying to lure more women into the workplace, where their absence is sorely frustrating.”
I get it. Sometimes while we’re driving rivets into steel, we like to be reminded it’s nice to FUCK something, so this is why I look around at the cock-worshiping, Freudian dildo cigar gauntlet that is the Lebal Drocer Tower lobby and I think, ‘Hey, you know what would look good in that corner right over there? A beautiful woman. Have her answer the phone or something.’
I went into the Yahoo! office and first thing I noticed was this beautiful blonde with big tits, dressed like she wanted it. I said ,”Now there’s a tall drink of water!” And this dame works here. I leaned into her, real close – she could smell my essence – and I said, “Hey there Sugar Tits, you got a daddy? Because Daddy’s standing right here, you feel me? ‘Cause I feel you. Now here’s 20 bucks. Buy yourself somethin’ cheap.”
The answer to the question, where are all the broads, is you, ladies. Get off your asses, quit spending your husbands’ money, and come get a job already. If you act now, and submit your little resumé to Lebal Drocer, Inc. Cuthbert, Ga. we’ll even throw in a complimentary handbag, because we know how much you like that shit.
ROANOKE, Va. — In a piece rejected by VICE, The Internet Chronicle staked out a nearby voter registration office and harangued new voters with invasive personal questions. In their unlikely, but convenient responses, these new voters expressed an uncommon sense of belief in the system, and some stood in awe of the broad, diverse spectrum of choices ranging from rich white man, to rich white woman – and everything in between!
Maria Pleskin, student
“Which celebrity criminal do I vote for?” said Maria Pleskin, who just turned 18 and is voting for her very first time. Pleskin, who for some reason has a very stupid name, is a community college student at Virginia Western Community College in Roanoke, Virginia. “I’ll tell you this: I’m telling you, I admire Trump’s speeches but I’m in love with Hillary’s corporatism.” Pleskin was noticeably off-the-cuff and casual about the presidential election, while maintaining an almost painful awareness of the stakes.
Gary Marvin, political science professor and first-time voter
“I am afraid Trump would celebrate war crimes with brash bravado, whereas Hillary would handle civilian murder with quiet class, a serious face, and stern dignity,” said Gary Marvin, a political science professor at Virginia Commonwealth University in Richmond. “I never used to participate in this sham of an electoral system, but when it comes to extralegal murder of US citizens, hashtag-I’m-with-her!”
Steven Harris, barista
“No shit all the third party candidates are crazy,” Steven says. He plays Counterstrike with a Steam group of ironic Communists. “You have to be crazy to run for president, but at least they’re crazy and ostracized. I took an online personality test, and it said I most identify with crazy, alienated people, which is why I’m voting third party.”
Hunter Bellard, glassblower
I’ve always admired Larry David’s work. I loved Seinfeld, and Curb Your Enthusiasm is one of the funniest comedies ever written. So obviously, I am sticking to my guns, and voting Bernie Sanders.
“Sanders is cool,” Bellard said. “I saw him on Twitter one time and I said ‘what’s up.’ But he’s busy, so he didn’t respond.”
I entertain no hope of ever owning land, people or property. I’m voting for Jill Stein.
Melissa Summers, 5th grade teacher
“I remember learning in Civics class about the differences between the two parties. It is a balanced and inclusive system.”
Melissa Summers, a 35-year-old school teacher from Arkansas, said she’s voting for Clinton out of a shared belief in the essential beauty of two-party oligarchies.
“Look, if the United States was an oligarch, power would rest only in the hands of a small group of wealthy military corporatists,” Summers said. “You know, our system might not be perfect, but it works. Progress takes time.”
Finally, our story turns to Dirty Johnny, an eighth grader at Hidden Valley Middle School in Roanoke. Even though he is too young to vote, Johnny is taking advantage of lax Virginia voter ID laws and voting for Trump in November, because he says Trump will stop the voices in his head.
“Trump understands me,” Johnny explained. “He loves me. That is what he tells me every night, from the air vent underneath my bed.”
VOTE YOU FILTHY ANIMALS. VOTE LIKE YOU’RE TOLD TO
At the time of publication, Vice did not respond to inquiries relating to this story.
ROANOKE, Va. — Trump aides confirmed Humanity Party leader Chris Nemelka, a neoconservative religious cult leader who plies his congregation with opioids, is scheduled to introduce the 2016 Republican presidential nominee at a rally in the quiet mountain village of Roanoke, Virginia.
Nemelke said in a podcast he supports Trump specifically because Trump stands for a stronger, militarized Israel.
Nemelke, who compares military funding to a hit of heroin – the best thing he says a Humanity Party member can feel – uses his position as a psycho cult leader to push for greater military spending and greater dissemination of military hand-me-downs to state and local police departments.
Nemelka, who believes no one but himself can experience a rare form of sex called “Ultimate Sex,” prescribes heroin as an entheogen to members of his religious following, whom he refers to collectively as “The Humanity Party.”
He will introduce Trump at the Roanoke, Va. rally on Saturday and has promised not to turn the event into a promotion for his book, The Sealed Portion (available everywhere books are sold), a researched, canonical continuation of the holy Book of Mormon, written directly from sacred plates only he and Donald Trump have ever seen.
Nemelka famously tricked Joseph Smith’s heiress into giving him her plot in the Mormon holy center, where he purchased a tombstone advertising his book and website. Nemelka unsuccessfully attempted to use the loose internet collective Anonymous as his proselytizing vehicle, and has since deleted videos from YouTube documenting his failed attempts to convert impressionable young Internet weirdos into book-purchasing, drug cult weirdos.
Together, Trump and Nemelka are expected to reveal the stones to adoring fans Saturday, Sept. 24 at the Salem Civic Center, a once-sacred Mormon holy site.
It is rumored staff reporter @kilgoar trout could report live from inside the rally, with tantalizing results!
So you’ve started work at a new office, and you want to make a good impression. You’re not trying to make friends, but you don’t want to come off as an unapproachable ogre, either.
Here are a few useful tips designed to help you get along with any coworker, in any office setting. Don’t be nervous! Be sneaky, vindictive and judgmental with these four easy tips.
DO discuss politics. Choose a polarizing subject like abortion. Don’t be afraid to play devil’s advocate! You can learn a lot about someone by measuring their reactions to statements such as, “Killing unborn children is not just murder, it’s a sin.” You will quickly find yourself bringing groups of different people together in fun, friendly discourse.
Be playful. Try a funny prank, like farting near a group and blaming it on the guy who packs his own lunch. “Christ Larry, is this what you call living organically?” In the same vein, poison a coworker’s coffee and wait for him to get sick. Because you’re in on the joke, you should have plenty of time to think of a witty remark, which will score huge points around the office. While your coworker is writhing in pain on the floor of the ambulance, you can quip, “Budget meetings are bad, but this is ridiculous!” Pain is hilarious.
Tell jokes. Identify a remark or catchphrase that seems to work, and stick to this joke like glue. “You’re alright, Lisa. I don’t care what they say about you.” The more people hear this, the more it is likely to grow on them. Do not deviate from this canned phrase, and you’ll soon be “a character” remembered for ages as “a pretty good guy, too.” Jokes that are hurtful to others is a surefire way to gain status in the pecking order. Identify some previously unnoticed weakness in a colleague, and choose the right time to identify and ridicule your target in front of everybody. “Say, Thomas, I never noticed until I was helping you convert last quarter’s graphs that you’ve got a dead tooth. I used to think you just rolled around in something dead before work.” Thomas is such a faggot now.
Blame others for your shortcomings. Starting a new job is difficult, especially if you’ve only been doing it for 25 years when you make a mistake. Someone didn’t get paid for two months because of your clerical error? No problem! You didn’t come this far by owning up to your faults. Admitting to mistakes reveals weakness, and suggests to others you have a tiny penis. Abuse the power you worked so hard for, and blame everyone for what you do wrong. Lie because it’s easier, not as a last resort. You aren’t desperate. You’re callous. You aren’t evil. You’re new, and you want people to like you!
With these easy tips you are ready to win people and influence friends. You have enough on your plate to deal with, and when you’re the new guy in town, you’ll need every bit of help you can get, because you are a pathetic, weak piece of shit and nobody can ever know. Unless you want to die miserable and alone, the butt of every last joke, and remembered as a loser, you will follow these helpful tips.