#ISIS joins Al Qaeda in mutual promise to deliver Ebola virus to USA

President Barack Hussein Obama was visibly upset by what they done to our boys today in upstate Canada.

President Barack Hussein Obama was visibly upset by what they done to our boys in upstate Canada.

Wash. D.C.– Not to be pushed into obscurity, Al Qaeda has teamed up again with #ISIS  to deliver the deadliest biological weapon known to man: Living Ebola carriers who are not yet symptomatic will bring the virus from Africa to the United States by exploiting dangerous flaws in airport security.

Once thought to be a Western myth, ISIS was originally kicked out of the Al Qaeda terror-ring for being “too extreme.” But desperate times call for desperate crimes, according to the world’s biggest Muslim, President Barack Hussein Obama. And Al Qaeda’s back, and blacker than ever.

“Conventional warfare is no longer hip,” Obama said Wednesday. “If Al Qaeda’s going to keep up, they’re going to have to play by a whole new set of fucked up rules.”

The new wave of terror, dubbed by the President as “Terror 3.0,” is spearheaded by a Canadian sleeper cell bearing direct ties to #ISIS. Rumor has it they had plans to attack a Parliamentary building in Ottawa, however there is no evidence to suggest they carried out their idle, meaningless threats. Still, Obama has said, the new terrorists do not need sleep. They persist without food, air or water. They are white ghosts behind the black, ink-stained pages of pure, unwritten history.

“The terrorist is a grim-faced lunatic who wants nothing more than to destroy freedom by instilling fears into the hearts of good, white American people, and exterminate babies out of hatred for life itself,” Obama said. “They eat clean coal for breakfast and sweat concentrated, crude oil. Just one glance from one of these Jihadist maniacs can turn even our bravest soldiers into stone.”

The president, who has already spoken out against the terrorist organization’s heinous crimes against babies, sparked controversy again by mandating forcible, rape-like anal searches for every man, woman, and especially child, coming into the US via airplane.

“I want fingers in every hole,” the President dictated. “There will be the gnashing of teeth. There will be … tribulation.”

President Obama, moments before he assumed his final form.

President Obama, moments before he assumed his final form.

And with the last breath of his final, ominous warning, the President of the United States exploded into a cloud of bats, enveloping the front row of the White House Press Corps, and carried them to Mount Vesuvius where torture awaits lost souls.

The devil is coming, scripture reads. The Antichrist is borne of hatred and paranoid superstition. And he’s looking you right in the eyes, promising a better tomorrow in 2016.

A Titan of a Job

GTA Online - Titan of a JobMidnight: total darkness takes over the desert. Call comes through. It’s Ron, sez I’m due down at the docks in two hours for a crate job. Well, well, well, looks like my Saturday night just got a little more lucrative, doesn’t it?

But a sudden smell came over me. Perhaps a phantom, but it sniffed real. I inhaled, deeply. It reminded me not unlike the aroma of my youth, just a kid coming up in Blaine County: the sweet smell of a soiled lawn on a farm after its barn has just been set ablaze.

I looked down IRL. I had shat myself somewhere along my six-hour gaming session.

I changed my pants. I missed the crate job. Fuck my life, I texted a friend in a nearby lobby.

Seen a little white dot up at the gas station near Trevor’s. Figured I’d pop in, see what was happening.

I pulled into the gas station. He was leaning against the wall, Pisswasser in one hand, pack of Redwoods in the other. But he was dressed smartly: blue suit shirt, tucked in; black suit pants; black shoes; intelligent glasses. This motherfucker didn’t shop at Suburban. No, he looked right off the rack at Ponsonby’s.

Got another beer, brother? I said.

Sure, he said.

Silence. Until finally, he asked for my name. I told him. I asked him for his. He told me:

OG_Whistleblower_ES.

I didn’t think much of it. I’ve gamed with gents claiming to be Australian media magnates, god’s, hell I even raced an Arabian fellow through the Vespucci Canals that said he was the courier to UBL.

He asked if I wanted to do a job. Shit, had missed the crate drop, hadn’t I? Money wasn’t exactly long, you see. Had just purchased a place up in the Rockford Hills for a pretty penny.

Fuck it, what you got? I sez.

Believe me when I say: motherfucker had a real Titan of a Job lined up.

He hosted. I waited. But he invited no others. Guess you could say he trusted me like I was GG. While the mission loaded he began prying, asking about things that were none of his business. He sez, who knows, may be in the public interest? This was my god damn personal information. Told him I didn’t like his leadings. He said, it’s okay, your dox are safe with me.

Job loaded. I peered off into the distance towards the road. Fucker was riding a neon Dinka Blista Compact, crew logo on the hood: an X over an hourglass, a globe leaking onto another.

Jesus Christ, let me get my mechanic on the line, I said.

Before I could click call he was honking his horn like a god damn fed. Hop in, he sez.

You wouldn’t believe how he drove. Stopped at every light. Used his fucking turn signal. Let little old lady’s pop in front of him from freeway ramps. In short, shithead followed every road rule and regulation.

We ended up stealing the Titan, no thanks to him. Said he wanted to do it clean, no murder, no collateral damage. I told him to go fuck himself, and murked every last motherfucker in that hanger, while he stayed back, vetting every enemy.

During the flight to Sandy Shores he regaled me with what I initially thought were fabricated tales of Hong Kong hotel room service, brutal Soviet-style architecture, some chick in Hawaii he was hung up on, another British bird he said was stitching him up. At one point asshole even burst out in some Slavic shit to someone: Da Misha! Da! DAAA!!!

It wasn’t until after the mission, when he dropped me off at my place, leaving at a slow, drip-drop pace, saying only in his wake, Courage is contagious, that I realized I had just spent the night in the careful arms of an American hero, traitor, father, daughter, etc.: Edward Joseph Snowden.

I know that God blesses America; I seen it in the wake of 9/11. But that night I saw a man sacrifice everything—everything­— for the sake of this great nation. A Titan of a Whistleblower. God bless us all. And thank you, Eddie, for everything.

Comcast deploys military police to Ferguson, MO

In an unprecedented display of power, the telcom giant Comcast has stationed a battery of private paramilitary forces around the insurrecting township of Ferguson, MO.

The industry giant’s spokesman, Jeremy Malestrong, said the need for intervention became apparent when existing customer service measures proved insufficient to quell the bubbling uprising.

The Comcast customer service agency Xfinity Force Alpha executes orders to "kill on sight" any civilian who resists their fastest in-home WiFi limited time deal.

The Comcast customer service agency Xfinity Force Alpha executes orders to “kill on sight” any civilian who resists their fastest in-home WiFi limited time deal.

“The free market has a solution for Ferguson,” Malestrong said. “State and local customer service representatives armed with tanks, teargas and M-16s are not enough if the agents are unwilling to use them. Our Comcastic death squads will ensure the kind of customer service Comcast users are accustomed to by restoring stability to the region and answering Ferguson citizen complaints, all – and I mean all – of whom are loyal Comcast customers.”

Malestrong said privatized oppression is the next logical step of customer satisfaction, adding that the coming merger with Time Warner Cable could offer a direct solution to the problem of choice.[pullquote]There will be only one source of Internet: us!

Comcast representative[/pullquote]

“After the merger, our customers will no longer be forced into the uncomfortable decision of choosing where to go for the best Internet,” Malestrong said. “There will be only one source of Internet: us!”

Lieutenant Harry Coinpurse of the Ferguson County branch of Comcast customer service issued a press release stating that with the arrival of paramilitary hate forces, the Ferguson Police Department is free to return to the day-to-day police work of pulling over black people and asking where they’re headed.

“By way of the marriage of neoliberalism and socialized oppression,” Coinpurse stated, “we are proud to announce the dispersal of ALL dissatisfied Comcast customers, and will be expanding the curfew to include daytime hours so that you are safer indoors and have more time to spend on your secure, not-at-all monitored Comcast high speed Internet featuring 99.9% uptime.”*

Ferguson residents have issued a slew of responses to their reiterated enslavement ranging from satisfied, to very satisfied. In a survey at the end of the call, at least half of respondents said they would recommend Comcast Systematic Oppression of Justice to a friend.

*Conditions may apply; does not pertain to the entire Internet, and especially not to chronicle.su.

Police "Desperately Outgunned" by Nonviolent Criminals, 'Obama Study' Shows

Roanoke County Va. police officers cower behind one of only four humvees, and await public insurrection.

Roanoke County Va. police officers cower behind one of only four humvees, and await public insurrection.

WASHINGTON – Raped by images of rioters menacing barely-armed peace officers, President Barack Obama received results from a comprehensive review of the Department of Defense program which hands down military-grade equipment to police departments in need.

What the study found was concerning: Obama said the shocking results of his study revealed police departments are not receiving enough decommissioned body armor, mine-resistant trucks, flashbang hand grenades and silencers, and forces nationwide are “desperately low” on illegal fully automatic rifles.

Executive of Freedom James Clapper said the findings deliver a staggering blow to police forces across the country operating in a culture of growing intimidation and fear.

“We’re taking their legs right out from under them,” Clapper said in a statement. “Without the advanced weaponry they need, our boys in blue are powerless to overcome ecstasy and pot dealers poisoning our youth from behind their videogames and Led Zeppelin regalia.”

Clapper said police forces are unable to escalate many situations beyond baseline paranoid hostility.

“Just the other day, one of our men went in without a gas mask and lost his bearings in a cloud of marijuana smoke. He couldn’t even shoot a dog that was asleep on the rug, threatening the safety of our fellow officers.”

Clapper concluded that “more guns, not less” is the only way to satisfy “a police officer’s natural bloodlust and desire to kill,” without the added responsibility of proper training and moral integrity.

Chief of Roanoke Police Department Rambo H. Atesic said his officers are dragging their knuckles around like apes, beating their chests in a savage display of impotent rage, setting up daytime checkpoints just to menace motorists in 5 o’clock traffic.

“Roanoke, Virginia just placed 1,000 package orders of midnight-black flak jackets, ski masks, rape sticks and explosive hollow-point rounds that spray awesome radioactive sand all over a crowd of demonstrators,” Atesic said. “So naturally, they’re itching to use it. Hell, I can’t fucking wait to shoot a dog, let alone some meaningless colored person.”

Atesic’s pupils dilated as wide as the iris, and a tiny flame flickered behind his hollow gaze.

“Our boys’ dicks are harder than Donkey Kong and there’s niggers that need oppressing,” Atesic surmounted. “Don’t take their guns away right when they need them the most. No sir, boys. We got a war to win. Now get out of my face with your camera, before I fucking kill you.”

Of VICE and Men

The subject of Gavin McInnes being fired from the news outlet he created because of a piece he wrote was brought to my attention today through Justine Tunney’s article “In Defense of Gavin McInnes“. As a transwoman myself, I completely identify with Tunney’s words, however unpopular they may be. Not because I’m transgendered, but simply because she’s right. She speaks of freedom of expression and press, and as a journalist it frightens me that we can be torn from our own publication, have our families targeted and threatened with financial ruin by a mob of hysterical speech-hating cretins, simply for the words we write.

The public forums with integrated up/down-voting mechanisms for discussion, such as reddit, showed a rise in the idea that you could lessen the value of speech with the press of a button, not because it was wrong or because you rebutted with a superior counter-argument, rather because you just don’t like what you’re reading. It’s this mentality that has seeped into the minds of most people using the Internet, and it’s truly a testament to a willing erosion of our rights to express ourselves. When it becomes not about discussion, dialogue and diversity of opinion, but instead about censoring what we don’t agree with(along with trying to destroy the other persons life), we have truly lost our way.

I was featured in an article in VICE about a trolling organization I was a part of, known as the Rustle League. In the article I openly support the Westboro Baptist Church, not because I agree with them, but because they are one of the final bastions of freedom of speech in America and I will defend, to my death, their right to protest as many fags as they want. I also received threats because of that article.

VICE

OH FUCK!

Before that, I was included on an Australian television show about Internet trolling, where I was portrayed as the devil incarnate as a crowd of onlookers passed judgement before the show had even begun, not for what I said or had said, but because it could be said. The following week, I did an interview as a companion piece to the airing of the television show and the amount of vitriol spewed toward me in the comment section far exceeded anything I have ever said or done, but God bless them for saying it. It’s unfortunate the website had to close the comments section down because of the influx of troll-hating trolls being trolled into trolling, it made for quality trolling.

My tenure on the Internet spans from the mid-nineties to present and the amount of hatred directed towards me in a week is more than some people get in a lifetime. Does it bother me? No. Why? Because we all have a right to our opinions. What does bother me, however, is how quickly people will be there to try to take that right away and most of all, how successful they are.

Love it or leave it, just don’t delete it.

Ascend, Eagle

Patriotic American

My president is my president.

He tucks me in. He kisses me goodnight. He loves me for me.

He knows that I struggle. He knows that even though I may gamble away this weeks wages, it does not mean that I do not love my children. He takes the smallest of cuts, just to make sure my children have a future.

My president knows the importance of health. He cares about my well-being. He cares enough to provide me with binders of options for adequate coverage.

My president understands that I have friends. He knows my friends are people. Walmart, GE, Nestle—my pres defends my friends, making sure their rights are there.

My president is not black. My president is not white. My president is my president.

He told me a story:

A Latino man
saw something, said something.
He took actions into his own hands.
The bandit fled leaving a rainbow trail
our Man stood his ground. Stand!
Stop! the man called out to no avail.
He did the right thing, with a conscience to bear:
He shot thrice, God weeps.
Bang.
Bang.
Bang.
Goodnight, Trayvon, sleep.

My president. My president.

Barack Hussein Obama cries for his nation

Is Fear Healthy? You Won't Believe How This One Drug Is Changing The World

There’s a new drug that will literally tear your life apart under a wave of euphoria. TerrorMax, by Lebal Drocer Pharmaceuticals, will put your eyes on the sky, and a fire in your belly; a hunger for liberty.

Our loyal and intelligent readers do not trust the government. You know there is such a thing as Absolute Truth, and Facts are Facts. TerrorMax keeps your spine pointed straight up, aligned to the North Star, a point of light astronomers have studied for centuries. The North Star is a trusted point of reference for everyone from Jesus to Napoleon. Patriots may trust Jesus. You trust no one.

terrormax

This message is brought to you proudly by Lebal Drocer Pharmaceuticals. TerrorMax: Don’t Blink Twice. (It’s Alright)

Like LSD, TerrorMax permanently changes your DNA, heightening your lineage’s sensitivity to fear, promoting survival and enhancing the human experience of terror.

TerrorMax gives you the energy to stay awake through the night. It enhances night vision, allowing you to scan the horizon for threats of terror. TerrorMax builds awareness of your surroundings. Is that a laser gun-sight or a cell tower? On TerrorMax, you can focus on a point of light up to 14 miles away, with perfect clarity.

Every bottle of TerrorMax comes with a TerrorMax Steam key, enabling you to download the TerrorMax Terror Alert Center client for Mac and PC. The Terror Alert Center lets you rant hatefully into your webcam microphone about unseen enemies of the state who are jealous of your freedom. Be a Patriot. Spy on your neighbors. Report unAmerican activities to the White House straight from your PC!

Even medical experts don’t know how TerrorMax works.

“It just … works.”

-Dr. Angstrom H. Terrordour, M.D.

TerrorMax gives world leaders the courage to deploy troops and assassinate “innocent” (non-American) dissidents abroad.

“I’m Terry McAuliffe, and I prefer TerrorMax to AnataBloc. It helps me think and raises my awareness. We should look into [TerrorMax].” -Virginia Gov. Terry McAuliffe (D), Governor of Va.

TerrorMax is not a dietary supplement, and is not regulated by the FDA. TerrorMax has been associated with tremors, seizures, and sleeplessness. If you experience a terror lasting four years or more, do not stop taking TerrorMax. Stopping TerrorMax cold turkey is shown to lead to seizure or death. Instead, vote for a Democrat. If you already voted Democrat – and continue to experience incessant terror – wait four years, and vote Republican. Once you take TerrorMax, you can not stop. In rare cases, some TerrorMax users report difficulty urinating, and permanent disruption of their sleep cycle. If you are unable to urinate while using TerrorMax, consult your Catastrophic Healthcare Options to learn which Death Panel is right for you.

TerrOrganics – Life’s getting worse.

Restraint! Israel Razes Gaza Death Camp

Good guy Zionist

Good Guy Zionist Taking Care of Business

As the Israeli occupation and subjugation of decadent hedons in Palestine continues, young excited Jewish-Americans lined the streets of every major American city this weekend to show their unwavering support for the Zionist state.

On a day typically reserved for reflections on America’s puritan foundation, fanatical Zionists – per tradition – celebrated our nation’s independence by calling for Palestinian extermination.

“Independence comes in many forms,” Benji Benjamin said, an eight year old Ohio native marching up the streets of Manhattan. “I think the Palestinians, for their own good, might be better off wiped off the map. It will, at the least, free up some space in the budget, which is important to many third graders I know.”

Mr. Benjamin was in New York City on his way to board a flight for his birthright trip, a rite-of-brainwash for most Jewish Americans.

Tensions have never been higher between Israelis and Palestinians as crime within the Holy Land has seen a sharp spike in the last week. In part, this dramatic flux can be contributed to the recent kidnapping of three Israeli youth, the bombing of Palestinian children before that, the Palestinian rocket attack on a local Regional Council before that, an Israeli raid on an aid ship en route to the Gaza Strip before that, Hitler’s Final Solution, the Israelites murdering Moses, and God’s supreme fuck-up by promising land rights to chosen religious groups in the first place.

Angstrom H. Truedaberg, the Chronicle’s resident schlemiel, said, “These folks are expressing their right to exist. Many-a-Mensch took to the streets on this July 4th. I’m proud to be a part of such a peaceful, compassionate movement like Liberal Zionism.”

The United States has historically had nothing but support for the Zionist movement, rightly shunning the legitimate concerns of the residents of the occupied West Bank and Gaza Strip. However, many hard-knocked Zionists view the current administration’s attitudes towards the Jewish State as not supportive enough.

“Sure, Barack ‘Roof-Knock’ Nobama has increased funding to Israel’s military to $3 billion and denied Palestinian statehood, but why does he stay silent on the real issue: the savage barbarianism of the Arab, in general?” a beautiful Aryan editor at a local college newspaper said, speaking on the condition of anonymity so as not to expose her fucking stupidity.

“Is it because he himself is a Moslem?” she asked. “Is it because he was born in Kenya? Which almost borders Iran? Cuba? Hitler? The President must be forced to answer these types of questions.”

At the time of publication, the White House commented, “Look, it’s Ramadan. Give our Pres a minute. Can’t solve ethnic tensions on an empty stomach!”

Ascend Unto Savings

With the 2016 primaries fast approaching, a lot of Americans are asking themselves which white collar criminal they should vote for. It’s a Hard Choice.

Why not both?

There is no reason not to trust an oligarchical institute of competing parties.

When I drive my family to the polls November after the November after next, I’ll make sure that we’re all ready to vote for Hil͏̟̳̱̤̘l̜̞̫̝͈̝̫a͇̼͓̘͠ͅr̯̹̩͝y̠̹ ͔͔͈̖̰͖ͅR̴͓̲̥̠̜od͈̳ͅh̼͇̯̗ͅa͚͚͘m͈ ͎̪̦̯̤̜C̢̱̲͈͇̯̦l̶͎̺̯͎in͉̘̩̭̖̬ton, of the 45th estate of Dark Lord Inglip, Home of the Titans.

I am so confident in the Democratic Party to represent my interests, I’d even trust a Republican to vote for them. Besides, i̴̱̲͓t̤̦͖͚̲ ̼͈̦̖̺̫̳̤̀d̬̗́o͏̥͖̙̻̗̦̣ẹ̛̼͕̠̪̹͢s̤̼̜͈͔̀͟͝n͏̜̻̟̮̣͈̘̼̕’̙̦̣̳̟͝t̵̩̮͕̳̩ ͟͏̳̤̮̟͘m̪͖͓͎͟a̢̨͔̦t̵̡̞̲͝t͏̶̺̜ḙ͍͝ŕ̬̗̳͕͓̺̬̺ ̨̖̤̲͚̦̘̭̙̻͜á̵̵̰̯̭̳̝n̶̟͇̭͓͓y̨̠̪̤̗͈͇̰̙ͅw̷̢̱̯͉̜̝̺͢a̷̘̙y̧̡̝͚̪̟̦̬̤̩͟.͕̣̫̤̺͞ We’re all gonna die!

I am the night. I am the crystalline hatred of His Glory! I am the cold void of space, dark matter itself. And I’m always shopping for bargains. That’s why I cut coupons. I even have a coupon for open democracy I plan to inject next Tuesday, assuming the F̤̹̼̣̠̿ͫ̊ͦiͩ̚͏f̗̺̬͇t̹̹̥̱͍ͫ͑h̠̆̄̈́ͥͬ̀ ͙̻͉̲̕Dimensional Pa̧̤̱̰̰̘͗̏́̒̋̅ȓ̵͇̼̱͍̗̼̞̜͉̿͗̂ͫͬ̿̚a͍͇̼͈̎͌ͣ́͑̍̿digm Shift doesn’t invert the 98th God’s isosceles invective (like last time!).

So come on out and try the all-new 2015 Ford Focus with rear-facing artillery cannons. For a limited time sign up for a new subscription on timespace-distorting plasma charges and receive your first cybernetic counter-enslavement upgrade ABSOLUTELY F̙̫̩͇̰͍̠̦̯̀͜R͕̰̬̹̼̦̙̕͟͡ͅE̷̻͙͉̝̟Ȩ͚͇̯̝͈̦. I am the darkness which flows through the hearts of men. Act now and SAVE on inner-oblivion anti-trust coating. D̪̟o̩̙̻͉͟ͅn̗̫̩͔̝̖’͘t́ ̀w̢̩̬a̞̙͙s̩̥̲̯̞̰ͅt̺͡ę͚̣̗ ̝̣̲̲̳̀ḁ͚̟̤͕̬ͅw̰̳̣̥a͉̼̼̰͜y͙̬͎̩ ͈̺̜̠͕̣l҉̘̫͖̲͕̟ḁ̰̮̱ț̦e҉r̰͙͈̼͕̥ ̣̣b̶̦̦̺̘e̢̗͚͎̫c̛̼a̲͍͎̣u̲̲̹̳͓̖ͅs̼̗̰͚e ͍͍͓͎̭y̯o̤̩͔͍͖̳̳ṳ͞ ̵̠͎̲̹̤̝̱͖͍̰͙̘̯̜̰̗͡c̵̸̸̱̫̘̟̰̀͘o̸̶͙̮͎̪̠̫̗̤u͏̴҉̰̙̖͉̪̼̣͎̱̭̠͉͡͞ͅl͎̳̘̮̦͈͇̬̜͞d̸̷̡̯̘̠̤̖̩̮̻̥̯̞͍̣̮͘ǹ͔̜̯͚̝͎̗̱͖͙̘̰͖̰͙̣́͜͟ͅͅ’̸̨̢͡҉̤̬̪̙̮̫ţ̴̣̬̫͈̖̬̫̀ ̸̷̨̗̣̟̜͘͝i̴̢͖̠̯̖͖̱̕͘͘ͅn̢̛͢҉̞̘̩̱͙̪̲͙̺͓̠͍̳͇͖̙ͅs̸̢̛̙̞͔̫͈̺͈̥̪̰̜͖̻͙͚̯̞͎ư̶͎̩͉͔͚͍̹̻ͅͅr̗̘̝̞̫͘͜e̝̻̩͓͚̻͟͜͝ ̳̞̝̹͍̠̜̪͕̘͍̖͢á̲͎͕̮̥̟̥̀̕g̛͚̖̣̘͢͝á̸̻̬̯̩̯͍i̧̧̗̩̘̻̤̟̲̮̻͓̪̱͈͍͙̺͎̕͝n̴͚̞̝̞̕͞s̴̛̱̩̝̩͓̖̪̩͍͚̮͍̲͡ͅt͘͜҉̧̱̥͔̭ ͏̵͇͕̥̗̗̣̩̳̣̞͉͙̲̤̫͟͞ṭ̮̹̲͇͎̖̼̥̲̻͙͜͟͠ḩ̼̱̯͎̘͎̗͈̩̗̲͉͉̥͍̘̣̭̼̕e̴̡͖̹̱̳ ̟̰͓̩̥̪͕͕͝H̡̦̜͍̗̮͉̣͈͍̺͠ͅͅa̵̩̩̫͈̜̭͇͜t̸͖̤͚̘̮̩̪̝̙͚͉̲͝͞e͏͙͍̞͍̼̗̥͉̮̘͉͍͖̠̜̻͚̕͜ ̡̛҉̮̣̲̖̩R̟̗̠̫̞̜͕͜à͇͚͙̺͕͕̥͠i̡̤̤̮̣͎͓̮̯̱̪͓͙̤̦͙̩̼̕͜͢͠n̴̢҉̬͚͍͉̻͈̻̮̲͘ ̕҉̶͓͎̬̪̺̬̣̩̟̬̱̤̥̮̹̯̱͇t҉͏͏͙͕̥̙̞̘͚͉͍̼̗͙̦̤͠ó̸̡̹̺̼̼̱̝̱̖̝͖͕̠̯̼͜d҉̵̗̞͉̟̯̗̗̱͍̝̳̲̼a͏҉̗͔͚̦͕̜͕̻͚̞͙ͅͅy͡͞͏̰̲̠͕͈̩.

Hillary 2016

T̷̛̮͈̹͕̘̬̞̞̋͆ͨ̈́̋͑͆͂̽̓͆̀h̴̡̢̛̠̬͇͚̮̺̠̼̘͕͈̻̜ͪ̑ͦͭ̿ͫ͐̋͑̽͌̀ͧ̇ͮ̚ͅeͮ̅ͣ̀͡͏̯͍̱̬̻͓̗̗̻̠̥͔͈̞͞ ̗͖͍ͩ̏ͫͮ͆̉͛̌̈́͒ͤͦ̑͋ͫ́ͪͫ̕͟͟C̓͑̏̍̿ͮ͊͗̓̇ͪ͑̂͘͏̴̵̨̝̯͚̲̦̱̳̩ȍ̶͛̓̾ͯ͋̑͂̂ͬ̊ͭ͂͋ͭ҉̛̯̟̙̞̯̥̮̱̪̀ͅŗ̶̤̫͓͓͉̱̗̘̲̯̫͔̞̖͙͓ͤͨͦͦ̀́p̧͇͉͈̥̜̘̣̞̬̠͉̣͔̭̹̦̿ͦͮ̅͋̓ͨ̑̾̽̒̑̈́̅͆͑́͞ͅo̧̿͒̍̎ͧ͆ͭͭ̿ͣͧ͌̚҉͉͔̲̜̥̱͙͍͍͈͇r̛̳̠̦̗̩̭͖̲͇̠͍͊̅̈ͥͪ̓ͪ̓͑ͭ́͢͠ḁ̴̡̧̙͙̫̣̮͇̫̰͕͊̏͗ͧ̾ͯ͐t̨̢͈̠̗̻̻͙̞͙̱̜͓̫̟̝̺͕ͣ̀̂̆͜e̱̮̥͉̟̦̮̹͙̗ͥ̀͌ͯ̂̓̆ͪ͗ͨͣ̽̃̊̒ͭͭ̚͟͟ ̷̧̥͎̤̳͕̼̲̭͈͙͚̯͗̀͛̈́̀͠M̧̛͚̹͎͍̝ͤͦͫ͂ͩͨͧ͋̀̂ͩ͋͠a̷̢̤̥͖͖ͨ̓̇͂̽̉͐̅ͣͤ̿̕̕͠sͤ̎̋ͫ͏̧̥̗̗̜̳͇͚̙̺̦̞̯̱̰̗͓͖̼t̸̶̡̮̱̹͎͇͍̝̻̼̱͔͖͈̝̑̾͒̍̅ͬ̍ͬ̓́͢e̢̧̨̯̙͇̳̹͍̼̥͍̗̥̘̝̭̣̝͈̓̏̿̀̽̈́̈ͥͥ̇̚͢͞ͅͅr̡̗̹̥ͣ͆ͧ͂̍ͦ͒ͪ ̗̞̤̹̝ͧ̋͋̌̀͠Ä̴̸̴̲̹̳̪̩͍̱̙͇͇̗̙̎ͫͭ͂̾̓ͯ͂ͧ̃̿͌̎͜͢w̨͙̣̬͓͉̖͈̺̣͚̯͍̠͌ͬ͊̔̔͂̏ͮͥ̍̔̇̒̔ͮ͐̀̊̀́͢͜ͅą̧̛͎͉̣̦̭͎̫̯̻̯̯̘͉̪̣̻͔̺̔̏̆̽͋̑̂ͣͮ̎͐͠i̅͐͒͗͏̶̟̮̬̦͈̻͉͙͉̣̻͞t̸̢̡͉̜̦̠̲̮͛͗ͬ͐̐̑͆̿͂̈́̾̊̔ͧͣ̌ͨ̈́̚ş̴̥̬̦̼̮̖̻̃͆̑͐͐ͤ̀͊̎̏ͥͥ̀̚

Shaytards patriarch strikes pedestrian while vlogging

Shaytards' fans criticized police for seeking Shay Carl in connection with a crime.

Shaytards’ fans criticized police overreaction to the supposed crime.

VENICE, LOS ANGELES — A Venice man is in critical condition after an unlikely Sunday driver ran him down at a crosswalk. The 34-year-old YouTube celebrity Shay Butler was observed “vlogging” while driving his Toyota Tundra along Washington Boulevard, when he ran over a man who has not yet been identified.

Sources close to “youtube’s family” confirmed the celebrity patriarch was out getting ice cream for the ‘Tards and vlogging while driving when he struck a middle-aged man with his truck.

“Vlogging” is the practice of blogging through live or recorded video.

“He almost didn’t stop,” said Marina Del Ray patron Thomas Bandy. Bandy said he was nearby when the accident occurred.

“He had one of those flip cameras and the flip panel was turned out, pointed at him and you could see he was just staring at himself, going down the road. I don’t think he knew he hit somebody. We was all yelling, ‘stop, stop’.”

Shay Carl still has not apologized.

Shay Carl rarely apologizes.

The victim’s family has asked the media to respect his privacy. Shay Carl, who is known for putting every inconsequential moment of his family’s lives on display for the Internet, still has not released a video explanation for why he left the scene before officers could respond. [pullquote]Shay Carl was always trying to prove Mormonism did not affect his demeanor.[/pullquote]

The Shaytards, who still have not let go of their derogatory self-title, refuse to give in to the growing number of requests to change their name on the grounds that it is not what it looks like. “Shay Carl” loves retards, and viewers say the name comes from an early viral video in which the patriarch chases one of his children around in a leotard.

“Shay Carl was always trying to prove Mormonism did not affect his demeanor, but he came off too happy – too approachable,” said longtime acquaintance Jeremy Hoffstetter, 32.

“It was off-putting. Whenever he came around and was being overly nice, I got worried he was gonna try to push his freaky cult religion on me. You know, Mitt Romney’s a Mormon, too. Think about that.”

The following video demonstrates Shay Carl’s blatant disregard for public safety, as he records himself driving his pregnant wife around in the middle of the night

Fans describe the Shaytards’ YouTube show as being “more real than reality TV,” because of its lack of direct conflict. Some say the Shaytards are the YouTube family they never had.

Dr. Angstrom H. Troubladauer, Resident physician for the Internet Chronicle, said celebrity worship is an old social disease.

“People are going to be really upset about their Internet folk hero running someone over,” Troubladauer said. “But what you’re going to have to realize is that while you might love and adore this Tard family – and even consider yourselves to be a ‘Tard – the ‘Tards don’t even know you.”

Troubladauer said society’s distorted view of love and the human condition presents new problems as our heroes, by virtue of the Internet, look more and more like us.

“They appreciate you in the sense that because you watch them, they don’t have to work. But I’m going to be real interested to see how the mom-Tard handles this. I always got the sense she doesn’t want to be on camera, anyway. Women can’t stand anything that even remotely resembles work.”