So you’ve started work at a new office, and you want to make a good impression. You’re not trying to make friends, but you don’t want to come off as an unapproachable ogre, either.
Here are a few useful tips designed to help you get along with any coworker, in any office setting. Don’t be nervous! Be sneaky, vindictive and judgmental with these four easy tips.
DO discuss politics. Choose a polarizing subject like abortion. Don’t be afraid to play devil’s advocate! You can learn a lot about someone by measuring their reactions to statements such as, “Killing unborn children is not just murder, it’s a sin.” You will quickly find yourself bringing groups of different people together in fun, friendly discourse.
Be playful. Try a funny prank, like farting near a group and blaming it on the guy who packs his own lunch. “Christ Larry, is this what you call living organically?” In the same vein, poison a coworker’s coffee and wait for him to get sick. Because you’re in on the joke, you should have plenty of time to think of a witty remark, which will score huge points around the office. While your coworker is writhing in pain on the floor of the ambulance, you can quip, “Budget meetings are bad, but this is ridiculous!” Pain is hilarious.
Tell jokes. Identify a remark or catchphrase that seems to work, and stick to this joke like glue. “You’re alright, Lisa. I don’t care what they say about you.” The more people hear this, the more it is likely to grow on them. Do not deviate from this canned phrase, and you’ll soon be “a character” remembered for ages as “a pretty good guy, too.” Jokes that are hurtful to others is a surefire way to gain status in the pecking order. Identify some previously unnoticed weakness in a colleague, and choose the right time to identify and ridicule your target in front of everybody. “Say, Thomas, I never noticed until I was helping you convert last quarter’s graphs that you’ve got a dead tooth. I used to think you just rolled around in something dead before work.” Thomas is such a faggot now.
Blame others for your shortcomings. Starting a new job is difficult, especially if you’ve only been doing it for 25 years when you make a mistake. Someone didn’t get paid for two months because of your clerical error? No problem! You didn’t come this far by owning up to your faults. Admitting to mistakes reveals weakness, and suggests to others you have a tiny penis. Abuse the power you worked so hard for, and blame everyone for what you do wrong. Lie because it’s easier, not as a last resort. You aren’t desperate. You’re callous. You aren’t evil. You’re new, and you want people to like you!
With these easy tips you are ready to win people and influence friends. You have enough on your plate to deal with, and when you’re the new guy in town, you’ll need every bit of help you can get, because you are a pathetic, weak piece of shit and nobody can ever know. Unless you want to die miserable and alone, the butt of every last joke, and remembered as a loser, you will follow these helpful tips.
INTERNET – Social media platforms, apparently fascinated by the roundness of circles, are pretty must just, like, totally circles now.
The phenomenon began when some neurotic designer decided to break away from every convention, including the shape itself of windows and computer screens.
With a twinkle in his eye, chronicle.su media historian Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour recalls “them good old days.”
“Like the old TVs, remember how crappy they were? They weren’t squares,” he said. “They didn’t have corners. But now social media, on sites which started as squares, are just circles again. They want to go back to when floor model TVs were the focus of the room and were somewhat more aesthetically pleasing, I guess. But TV back then sucked. It was just horses and cowboys and shit, because it was on crappy technology. TV was so bad back then, they didn’t even record it. Producers just aired it live and said, ‘Ah, forget about it.’ And now that’s what social media is. A bunch of shit you’d never want to see, all taking place inside of a stupid, fucking circle.”
Circular designs is the ultimate hipster black hole, Troubadour says.
“Hey, haven’t you heard? Stuff that sucks is good now – ask any hipster – and so we’re going full circle. Social media sucks again!”
When social media was composed of rectangles and squares, you could literally pull pussy out of your computer screen, according to Anonymous. Now, with these circles, it’s all you can do to even get a girl to notice you, users report.
“What’s that? Sorry, I couldn’t tell you had any personality, edginess or discernible features at all, because I see everything through a circle now. All the edges are cut off.”
-Circle Plus user
It wasn’t until like, 1999 we finally got a perfectly square television screen, and all of a sudden these millennials are scrambling for circles again, Troubadour said. He said it’s the same reason Instagram’s icon is a roundish Polaroid, and all their filters and borders harken back to shitty technology, as if it’s something we would ever want to return to. And now people are reducing the fidelity of their media to the grainy, blurry, sepia-tone point of uselessness.
“People fought wars and died for the square, people spent their life’s work developing perfectly flat, square television pictures and computer monitors, and now you want to go BACK to the circle?” he asked. “Come on, let’s be reasonable.”
This clever story is brought to you by Lebal Drocer, Inc.
We own everything that matters, including Facebook, Yahoo Plus and Google Chrome!
Roanoke, Va. – I recently returned from a fantastic experience that took place in a close, personal friend’s house where he lives in squalor and disease. When I walked in the front door, two cats escaped the house by running between my legs. I just stepped over them. The hot odor of sick animal piss, a cat’s territorial spray, hit me in the face immediately followed by the shrill cacophony of tiny dogs barking.
The humid, poorly-circulating air inflamed every sense as I fought the urge to swallow. My body only wanted to hurry up and accept the tainted air. Just stop fighting it. This is for hatesec, my dear friend.
My allergies seized violently – instantly – as I breathed in my first full breath of air. Pet dander drifted through the sunrays which beamed three thin slices of light through the dark, heavy foyer of my fellow real-journalist-for-a-big-news-outlet’s home. I bent over at the waist to pick up my PlayStation 3 and clear, liquid snot poured from my nose as if someone left the water running in a clogged bathroom sink.
Hatesec tossed me a Coke from the kitchen as he darted upstairs to his room, like he usually does, because it is the only place in the house , he says, that isn’t caked with cat feces and piss. So I made my way over the green, grimy living room carpet. I stepped on a Dungeons and Dragons guidebook, but took care not to kick any 20-sided dice under the couch. There was no telling what else might live under there.
As my unconscious mind beckoned in wonderment of how any dungeon master could relax in this mire, my eyes fell on a cat, whose long body stretched across the refrigerator, atop which – clearly in control as he surveys the house from his Frigidaire throne – the animal lay comfortable in a thick bed of its own sallow fur.
How harmful could the creature be? I wondered. This house was his territory. I could smell it.
Nah, it was a good house, though.
This is part 1 in a series of stories called barnburners.
The company, like other big tech firms, has been criticized for being mostly male and predominantly white.
Last year, Lebal Drocer CEO Raleigh Theodore Sakers praised a diverse workplace. He said diversity is “whatever, pretty good I guess,” adding that having colored folk around, and women, could improve the company’s image.
But Lebal Drocer’s board of directors opposes a new proposal to increase diversity among its white, cis male-dominated Alpha Management team at the top.
The proposal, submitted by Lebal Drocer shareholder Lequita McNority, would require an aggressive recruitment policy to change the company’s demographic makeup.
“You can’t say anything anymore.”
The board rejected it, saying it is “unduly burdensome and kind of gay sounding,” according to an announcement sent last week ahead of its February shareholder meeting held each month in the basement of a Richmond, Va. gentleman’s club.
There are eight people on Lebal Drocer’s board. They are all white, bearded men, except for Lequita who got the job because she was “at one time, always down to fuck.” Her diversity proposal, the company says, sounds just like something a woman would do.
Lebal Drocer’s executive team, like many major tech and chemical firms, is united by a common struggle: being a white male minority in a crazy, mixed up world of political correctness.
Lebal Drocer insists that it is doing its part to improve the stats:
Lebal Drocer has demonstrated to shareholders its commitment to whitewashing anything having to do with inclusion and diversity, which – as we continue to reiterate, but just like a woman not to listen – are core values for our company. Our 2015 diversity report reveals that 69% of the company is male and 31% are males who identify as women. So back the fuck up, shitlords.”
The board said its efforts are already much “broader” than what’s requested in the proposal.
“We already hire coloreds: We have an efficient, proud janitorial staff at Lebal Drocer headquarters in Cuthbert, and a fantastic team of secretaries composed of some of the most beautiful women in Atlanta.”
Lebal Drocer did not immediately respond to a request for comment, but they did pay us to write this article.
Social media is abuzz with hype over the unveiling of Subway’s new spokesman. After news broke of legendary Subway spokesman Jared Fogle’s involvement in a child porn ring, the sandwich giant wants to distance itself as far as possible from the unfortunate stigma of child rape, even going so far as to abandon their iconic “Eat Fresh” trademark slogan.
Rumor has it Subway’s new spokesman, an IT specialist from Utah named William Grecko, is well known for his attraction exclusively to adults. Subway announced Grecko famously walked two miles to Subway from work each day, just to avoid schoolyards and daycare centers, improving health and raising sandwich awareness.
The Subway Corporation said they extend the benefit of the doubt to each individual under employment through the company. Just to be safe, however, Subway executives ordered an official investigation into Grecko’s background and confirmed he is the real deal.
“Unlike my predecessor,” Grecko said on Twitter, “I have no record of sexual misconduct and there is nothing I love more than unprotected sex between two completely shaven, consenting adults on videotape. And I think the investigation will show that.”
Los Angeles authorities confirmed William Grecko’s browser histories contained only legal pornography featuring only adults who work for reputable porn publishers, like Brazzers and Bang Bros, Inc.
Leading detective for the LAPD Todd Herring said his staff searched across three platforms – Internet Explorer, Google Chrome and Mozilla Firefox – and, barring a few outliers, Herring said they found nothing unusual about Grecko’s porn habits.
“We assessed Mr. Grecko’s browser history and found records congruent with California state law, including – but not limited to – interracial granny, lesbian tribadism and Japanese watersports,” Herring told reporters outside a Santa Monica Subway restaurant. “And while our initial findings raised some red flags, we concluded that high-definition German scat porn – while offensive to the senses and strongly indicative of mental illness – is well within the bounds of the law, and decidedly very adult.”
Subway expressed gratitude in an official statement on their website, and Grecko told a pedophile-weary crowd of Subway patrons they have nothing to fear but whether the store is open on Thanksgiving (it is!).
“Ladies and gentlemen, families of all backgrounds, I am pleased to announce I do not want to touch, lick or fondle the supple white bodies of your nonconsenting and sexually unaware innocent young children,” Grecko said, “And I can assure you right now that I will not so much as glance in the direction of their hot little tight asses.”
And before you ask: No, I have no idea what The Onion Router is.
William Grecko, Subway spokesperson
Sensing apprehension from the crowd, Grecko then added how he hates the “dead look” in a child’s eyes during intercourse, and would not be opposed to stricter child endangerment laws.
“I go out of my way to make sure I do not come within 150 yards of places where children are known to be,” Grecko said. “And when I move into my mansion in the Palisades, I’ll be going door-to-door, personally introducing myself and delivering a special message to each and every one of my neighbors, as mandated by both Utah and California state laws!”
Fuck all of you who suddenly care about people in Paris, people in Uganda, and people scooping oil sands out of the Niger Delta (oh wait, it isn’t time to care about them yet?).
You know who you are: You just saw it on the news, and suddenly now you care. If I hate anything more than hypocrisy, it’s those of you pretending to give a shit about x because y is happening on CNN. They are using you. THE WHOLE PURPOSE OF CABLE TV NEWS IS TO MANIPULATE YOU.
You want to impress me? (No.) Get the fuck off Twitter and Facebook, where I see you cunts, and shut the fuck up and then I’ll really start to notice. Because every time someone hashtags #PrayForParis neither a fuck nor a care is given and I do not recognize your so-called empathy. You are being manipulated into taking a position on an issue you didn’t know exists. Case in point:
I’m not about to waste my time researching whether it’s an authentic video or not because it doesn’t matter. Saudi Arabia, our strongest ally in the Middle East, funds ISIS which means the USA might as well fund ISIS and make their videos for them too. This ain’t yo’ daddy’s worldview! This is the technolibertarian hellscape of the New Century and you’re reading about it live on the Internet Chronicle.
Now, if I am to understand our reasons for destabilizing the Middle East via war and conflict are somehow tied to an improvement in human life, doesn’t it stand to reason we would have started in the absolute asshole of that region? Saudi Arabia: the women-hatin’est, gay-bashin’est, slave-beatin’est, religionest, rootin’ tootin’ HATEHOLE OF THE MIDDLE EAST, Saudi Arabia – with its control over global oil prices, public opinion and influence over mass media – is an abscess on human society. BUT THEY DO OUR BOMBING FOR US SO WE DON’T HAVE TO STRIKE YEMEN OURSELVES. What’s that saying, the shithole of my enemy is my shithole? Saudi Arabia must be about as American as a bald eagle’s pussy because we would question Palestine’s existence before even challenging the Saudi connection to global terrorism – our two best friends got married and we weren’t invited? Well we paid for the wedding, anyway.
By the way: The 9/11 hijackers were Saudi
Your blind support for anything you don’t know or understand is a blank check for powers that extend beyond anything you’ll ever know – all the way to the top – all the way to the masked sex parties where people you’ve never heard of who control the movement of hundreds of billions of dollars are banging virgin sex slaves, who weren’t taught English but trained instead only to articulate “Pray for Paris! Pray for Paris, MASTER!” as some greasy billionaire destroys them before they knew what life was. And you’re right there behind them, sucking the powercock.
So the next time you want to #PrayforParis do it somewhere I can’t see you or hear you, because I don’t give a fuck about Paris because IT WASN’T MY FUCKING IDEA TO CARE ABOUT PARIS. I care about writing this story more than I care how many thousands of people died in the World Trade Center attack, because it wasn’t my idea to care about that, either. How many people bemoan the loss of innocence who remembers where they were when a teacher announced JFK’s assassination, and suddenly they care about a pillar of power they can neither see nor understand, but it controls them?
The next time someone asks you to #PrayforBabyCailey or #PrayforAfrica here’s what you say. “I pray thee: Go fuck yourself. I’ll pray for who I want.”
Of course, prayer is bullshit anyway. If you believe in that shit you should check out The Secret on DVD, and after that, What the Bleep Do We Know? and after that, dude, check out this dank-ass Scientology, it’s got answers, man. Real Solutions. And after that, check out the Nazis, man. Final Solutions.
This is all a ruse to distract you from the systematic subjugation of human culture by turning over our sympathies to whatever is to then be done in our names: In America, everybody fell for that 9/11 bullshit and gave the executive branch more powers, unchecked aggression, and a Patriot ACT that will outlive us all. And rightfully so, your emotional weakness put us here. (Wow, aren’t you afraid of TERRORISM? How about some Terror Raids to correct that!) And they’re using the same tactics in France, where local police will use fears that don’t exist to justify acquisition of MRAPs, an arsenal of automatic machine guns, teargas hand grenades and fresh new black uniforms to battle the mean old fascists! Not turn into them, right? Right?
And the crowds came down to break Old Malvern’s legs. But they didn’t stop there. They couldn’t help themselves. They encircled him and snarled.
“This terrorist doesn’t deserve to live among us. The civilized.” Arms were raised in celebration, and came down in a fury. The hurting stopped only because he died.
Now the Malverns keep a stone by the fireplace, inscribed by the only Malvern son. “Us.”
His peers lit a torch. His followers cut lumber like he was still there among them. Watching. But no one watched their work that day. No one saw through the haze of Malvern’s memory.
Now a quiet settles like dust on the ruins of his achievements. At 4 a.m. the Malvern wife and mother does watch. A calm washes over her as she surveys the wasteland. To know sweet Mr. Malvern never saw it with his own eyes, how she saw it, this colorless morning.
Richmond, Va. — Knowledge is power and it must be checked, according to gender studies undergraduates at Virginia Commonwealth University in Richmond, Virginia who say the material to which the university has exposed them triggers PTSD relating to past incidences of vicious cyberbullying they have experienced in their lives.
The young womyn, who have asked not to be named because capital pronouns impose prejudice, say the “mental rape” they endure from their VCU education even violates the sanctity of the controversial and rarely cited Title IX anti-rape law that makes rape in a place of learning extra bad.
Humanity’s history of war, genocide and slavery challenge the precious and unique nature of VCU’s fragile, recovering victims of the patriarchy. And it could happen to you, says one womyn.
“I was raped by Troilus and Criseyde’s codependency,” the person said. “Criseyde lived under the patriarchy and Chaucer, whose name is the root word of chauvinism, killed Troilus just to make Criseyde look bad. She had no choice but to cheat on Troilus. The patriarchy cheated on itself, if you ask me.”