Flint, Mich. — After calling American Sniper hero Chris Kyle a “coward,” and “a camping faggot,” US filmmaker Michael Moore issued a colossal apology in the form of his own enlistment in the armed forces.
“Not only should I not have said those things, I should not have a right to say them,” Moore explained in a tweet. “I understand there are limits to free speech. These people died so Seth Rogen and I could make movies.”
In a statement, Moore acknowledged that the American Army is the best in the world, adding that their fight for freedom has nothing to do with defense firm profits or the goals of arms manufacturers.
Because of his superior physique, commanding officers plan to fast-track Moore into an elite Navy Seal school, where he will learn how to become a master killer, and speak only when necessary.
“Semper Fi motherfuckers,” Moore stated. “I’m an infantryman, now. Bare bones. USA! USA!”
WASHINGTON – Raped by images of rioters menacing barely-armed peace officers, President Barack Obama received results from a comprehensive review of the Department of Defense program which hands down military-grade equipment to police departments in need.
What the study found was concerning: Obama said the shocking results of his study revealed police departments are not receiving enough decommissioned body armor, mine-resistant trucks, flashbang hand grenades and silencers, and forces nationwide are “desperately low” on illegal fully automatic rifles.
Executive of Freedom James Clapper said the findings deliver a staggering blow to police forces across the country operating in a culture of growing intimidation and fear.
“We’re taking their legs right out from under them,” Clapper said in a statement. “Without the advanced weaponry they need, our boys in blue are powerless to overcome ecstasy and pot dealers poisoning our youth from behind their videogames and Led Zeppelin regalia.”
Clapper said police forces are unable to escalate many situations beyond baseline paranoid hostility.
“Just the other day, one of our men went in without a gas mask and lost his bearings in a cloud of marijuana smoke. He couldn’t even shoot a dog that was asleep on the rug, threatening the safety of our fellow officers.”
Clapper concluded that “more guns, not less” is the only way to satisfy “a police officer’s natural bloodlust and desire to kill,” without the added responsibility of proper training and moral integrity.
Chief of Roanoke Police Department Rambo H. Atesic said his officers are dragging their knuckles around like apes, beating their chests in a savage display of impotent rage, setting up daytime checkpoints just to menace motorists in 5 o’clock traffic.
“Roanoke, Virginia just placed 1,000 package orders of midnight-black flak jackets, ski masks, rape sticks and explosive hollow-point rounds that spray awesome radioactive sand all over a crowd of demonstrators,” Atesic said. “So naturally, they’re itching to use it. Hell, I can’t fucking wait to shoot a dog, let alone some meaningless colored person.”
Atesic’s pupils dilated as wide as the iris, and a tiny flame flickered behind his hollow gaze.
“Our boys’ dicks are harder than Donkey Kong and there’s niggers that need oppressing,” Atesic surmounted. “Don’t take their guns away right when they need them the most. No sir, boys. We got a war to win. Now get out of my face with your camera, before I fucking kill you.”
The subject of Gavin McInnes being fired from the news outlet he created because of a piece he wrote was brought to my attention today through Justine Tunney’s article “In Defense of Gavin McInnes“. As a transwoman myself, I completely identify with Tunney’s words, however unpopular they may be. Not because I’m transgendered, but simply because she’s right. She speaks of freedom of expression and press, and as a journalist it frightens me that we can be torn from our own publication, have our families targeted and threatened with financial ruin by a mob of hysterical speech-hating cretins, simply for the words we write.
The public forums with integrated up/down-voting mechanisms for discussion, such as reddit, showed a rise in the idea that you could lessen the value of speech with the press of a button, not because it was wrong or because you rebutted with a superior counter-argument, rather because you just don’t like what you’re reading. It’s this mentality that has seeped into the minds of most people using the Internet, and it’s truly a testament to a willing erosion of our rights to express ourselves. When it becomes not about discussion, dialogue and diversity of opinion, but instead about censoring what we don’t agree with(along with trying to destroy the other persons life), we have truly lost our way.
I was featured in an article in VICE about a trolling organization I was a part of, known as the Rustle League. In the article I openly support the Westboro Baptist Church, not because I agree with them, but because they are one of the final bastions of freedom of speech in America and I will defend, to my death, their right to protest as many fags as they want. I also received threats because of that article.
Before that, I was included on an Australian television show about Internet trolling, where I was portrayed as the devil incarnate as a crowd of onlookers passed judgement before the show had even begun, not for what I said or had said, but because it could be said. The following week, I did an interview as a companion piece to the airing of the television show and the amount of vitriol spewed toward me in the comment section far exceeded anything I have ever said or done, but God bless them for saying it. It’s unfortunate the website had to close the comments section down because of the influx of troll-hating trolls being trolled into trolling, it made for quality trolling.
My tenure on the Internet spans from the mid-nineties to present and the amount of hatred directed towards me in a week is more than some people get in a lifetime. Does it bother me? No. Why? Because we all have a right to our opinions. What does bother me, however, is how quickly people will be there to try to take that right away and most of all, how successful they are.
He tucks me in. He kisses me goodnight. He loves me for me.
He knows that I struggle. He knows that even though I may gamble away this weeks wages, it does not mean that I do not love my children. He takes the smallest of cuts, just to make sure my children have a future.
My president knows the importance of health. He cares about my well-being. He cares enough to provide me with binders of options for adequate coverage.
My president understands that I have friends. He knows my friends are people. Walmart, GE, Nestle—my pres defends my friends, making sure their rights are there.
My president is not black. My president is not white. My president is my president.
He told me a story:
A Latino man
saw something, said something.
He took actions into his own hands.
The bandit fled leaving a rainbow trail
our Man stood his ground. Stand!
Stop! the man called out to no avail.
He did the right thing, with a conscience to bear:
He shot thrice, God weeps.
Goodnight, Trayvon, sleep.
TERRORISTS HATE HIM! AMERICANS STAY CONSTANTLY AFRAID USING THIS SIMPLE TRICK
There’s a new drug that will literally tear your life apart under a wave of euphoria. TerrorMax, by Lebal Drocer Pharmaceuticals, will put your eyes on the sky, and a fire in your belly; a hunger for liberty.
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“It just … works.”
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TerrorMax gives world leaders the courage to deploy troops and assassinate “innocent” (non-American) dissidents abroad.
“I’m Terry McAuliffe, and I prefer TerrorMax to AnataBloc. It helps me think and raises my awareness. We should look into [TerrorMax].” -Virginia Gov. Terry McAuliffe (D), Governor of Va.
TerrorMax is not a dietary supplement, and is not regulated by the FDA. TerrorMax has been associated with tremors, seizures, and sleeplessness. If you experience a terror lasting four years or more, do not stop taking TerrorMax. Stopping TerrorMax cold turkey is shown to lead to seizure or death. Instead, vote for a Democrat. If you already voted Democrat – and continue to experience incessant terror – wait four years, and vote Republican. Once you take TerrorMax, you can not stop. In rare cases, some TerrorMax users report difficulty urinating, and permanent disruption of their sleep cycle. If you are unable to urinate while using TerrorMax, consult your Catastrophic Healthcare Options to learn which Death Panel is right for you.
As the Israeli occupation and subjugation of decadent hedons in Palestine continues, young excited Jewish-Americans lined the streets of every major American city this weekend to show their unwavering support for the Zionist state.
On a day typically reserved for reflections on America’s puritan foundation, fanatical Zionists – per tradition – celebrated our nation’s independence by calling for Palestinian extermination.
“Independence comes in many forms,” Benji Benjamin said, an eight year old Ohio native marching up the streets of Manhattan. “I think the Palestinians, for their own good, might be better off wiped off the map. It will, at the least, free up some space in the budget, which is important to many third graders I know.”
Mr. Benjamin was in New York City on his way to board a flight for his birthright trip, a rite-of-brainwash for most Jewish Americans.
Tensions have never been higher between Israelis and Palestinians as crime within the Holy Land has seen a sharp spike in the last week. In part, this dramatic flux can be contributed to the recent kidnapping of three Israeli youth, the bombing of Palestinian children before that, the Palestinian rocket attack on a local Regional Council before that, an Israeli raid on an aid ship en route to the Gaza Strip before that, Hitler’s Final Solution, the Israelites murdering Moses, and God’s supreme fuck-up by promising land rights to chosen religious groups in the first place.
Angstrom H. Truedaberg, the Chronicle’s resident schlemiel, said, “These folks are expressing their right to exist. Many-a-Mensch took to the streets on this July 4th. I’m proud to be a part of such a peaceful, compassionate movement like Liberal Zionism.”
The United States has historically had nothing but support for the Zionist movement, rightly shunning the legitimate concerns of the residents of the occupied West Bank and Gaza Strip. However, many hard-knocked Zionists view the current administration’s attitudes towards the Jewish State as not supportive enough.
“Sure, Barack ‘Roof-Knock’ Nobama has increased funding to Israel’s military to $3 billion and denied Palestinian statehood, but why does he stay silent on the real issue: the savage barbarianism of the Arab, in general?” a beautiful Aryan editor at a local college newspaper said, speaking on the condition of anonymity so as not to expose her fucking stupidity.
“Is it because he himself is a Moslem?” she asked. “Is it because he was born in Kenya? Which almost borders Iran? Cuba? Hitler? The President must be forced to answer these types of questions.”
At the time of publication, the White House commented, “Look, it’s Ramadan. Give our Pres a minute. Can’t solve ethnic tensions on an empty stomach!”
With the 2016 primaries fast approaching, a lot of Americans are asking themselves which white collar criminal they should vote for. It’s a Hard Choice.
When I drive my family to the polls November after the November after next, I’ll make sure that we’re all ready to vote for Hil͏̟̳̱̤̘l̜̞̫̝͈̝̫a͇̼͓̘͠ͅr̯̹̩͝y̠̹ ͔͔͈̖̰͖ͅR̴͓̲̥̠̜od͈̳ͅh̼͇̯̗ͅa͚͚͘m͈ ͎̪̦̯̤̜C̢̱̲͈͇̯̦l̶͎̺̯͎in͉̘̩̭̖̬ton, of the 45th estate of Dark Lord Inglip, Home of the Titans.
I am so confident in the Democratic Party to represent my interests, I’d even trust a Republican to vote for them. Besides, i̴̱̲͓t̤̦͖͚̲ ̼͈̦̖̺̫̳̤̀d̬̗́o͏̥͖̙̻̗̦̣ẹ̛̼͕̠̪̹͢s̤̼̜͈͔̀͟͝n͏̜̻̟̮̣͈̘̼̕’̙̦̣̳̟͝t̵̩̮͕̳̩ ͟͏̳̤̮̟͘m̪͖͓͎͟a̢̨͔̦t̵̡̞̲͝t͏̶̺̜ḙ͍͝ŕ̬̗̳͕͓̺̬̺ ̨̖̤̲͚̦̘̭̙̻͜á̵̵̰̯̭̳̝n̶̟͇̭͓͓y̨̠̪̤̗͈͇̰̙ͅw̷̢̱̯͉̜̝̺͢a̷̘̙y̧̡̝͚̪̟̦̬̤̩͟.͕̣̫̤̺͞ We’re all gonna die!
I am the night. I am the crystalline hatred of His Glory! I am the cold void of space, dark matter itself. And I’m always shopping for bargains. That’s why I cut coupons. I even have a coupon for open democracy I plan to inject next Tuesday, assuming the F̤̹̼̣̠̿ͫ̊ͦiͩ̚͏f̗̺̬͇t̹̹̥̱͍ͫ͑h̠̆̄̈́ͥͬ̀ ͙̻͉̲̕Dimensional Pa̧̤̱̰̰̘͗̏́̒̋̅ȓ̵͇̼̱͍̗̼̞̜͉̿͗̂ͫͬ̿̚a͍͇̼͈̎͌ͣ́͑̍̿digm Shift doesn’t invert the 98th God’s isosceles invective (like last time!).
So come on out and try the all-new 2015 Ford Focus with rear-facing artillery cannons. For a limited time sign up for a new subscription on timespace-distorting plasma charges and receive your first cybernetic counter-enslavement upgrade ABSOLUTELY F̙̫̩͇̰͍̠̦̯̀͜R͕̰̬̹̼̦̙̕͟͡ͅE̷̻͙͉̝̟Ȩ͚͇̯̝͈̦. I am the darkness which flows through the hearts of men. Act now and SAVE on inner-oblivion anti-trust coating. D̪̟o̩̙̻͉͟ͅn̗̫̩͔̝̖’͘t́ ̀w̢̩̬a̞̙͙s̩̥̲̯̞̰ͅt̺͡ę͚̣̗ ̝̣̲̲̳̀ḁ͚̟̤͕̬ͅw̰̳̣̥a͉̼̼̰͜y͙̬͎̩ ͈̺̜̠͕̣l҉̘̫͖̲͕̟ḁ̰̮̱ț̦e҉r̰͙͈̼͕̥ ̣̣b̶̦̦̺̘e̢̗͚͎̫c̛̼a̲͍͎̣u̲̲̹̳͓̖ͅs̼̗̰͚e ͍͍͓͎̭y̯o̤̩͔͍͖̳̳ṳ͞ ̵̠͎̲̹̤̝̱͖͍̰͙̘̯̜̰̗͡c̵̸̸̱̫̘̟̰̀͘o̸̶͙̮͎̪̠̫̗̤u͏̴҉̰̙̖͉̪̼̣͎̱̭̠͉͡͞ͅl͎̳̘̮̦͈͇̬̜͞d̸̷̡̯̘̠̤̖̩̮̻̥̯̞͍̣̮͘ǹ͔̜̯͚̝͎̗̱͖͙̘̰͖̰͙̣́͜͟ͅͅ’̸̨̢͡҉̤̬̪̙̮̫ţ̴̣̬̫͈̖̬̫̀ ̸̷̨̗̣̟̜͘͝i̴̢͖̠̯̖͖̱̕͘͘ͅn̢̛͢҉̞̘̩̱͙̪̲͙̺͓̠͍̳͇͖̙ͅs̸̢̛̙̞͔̫͈̺͈̥̪̰̜͖̻͙͚̯̞͎ư̶͎̩͉͔͚͍̹̻ͅͅr̗̘̝̞̫͘͜e̝̻̩͓͚̻͟͜͝ ̳̞̝̹͍̠̜̪͕̘͍̖͢á̲͎͕̮̥̟̥̀̕g̛͚̖̣̘͢͝á̸̻̬̯̩̯͍i̧̧̗̩̘̻̤̟̲̮̻͓̪̱͈͍͙̺͎̕͝n̴͚̞̝̞̕͞s̴̛̱̩̝̩͓̖̪̩͍͚̮͍̲͡ͅt͘͜҉̧̱̥͔̭ ͏̵͇͕̥̗̗̣̩̳̣̞͉͙̲̤̫͟͞ṭ̮̹̲͇͎̖̼̥̲̻͙͜͟͠ḩ̼̱̯͎̘͎̗͈̩̗̲͉͉̥͍̘̣̭̼̕e̴̡͖̹̱̳ ̟̰͓̩̥̪͕͕͝H̡̦̜͍̗̮͉̣͈͍̺͠ͅͅa̵̩̩̫͈̜̭͇͜t̸͖̤͚̘̮̩̪̝̙͚͉̲͝͞e͏͙͍̞͍̼̗̥͉̮̘͉͍͖̠̜̻͚̕͜ ̡̛҉̮̣̲̖̩R̟̗̠̫̞̜͕͜à͇͚͙̺͕͕̥͠i̡̤̤̮̣͎͓̮̯̱̪͓͙̤̦͙̩̼̕͜͢͠n̴̢҉̬͚͍͉̻͈̻̮̲͘ ̕҉̶͓͎̬̪̺̬̣̩̟̬̱̤̥̮̹̯̱͇t҉͏͏͙͕̥̙̞̘͚͉͍̼̗͙̦̤͠ó̸̡̹̺̼̼̱̝̱̖̝͖͕̠̯̼͜d҉̵̗̞͉̟̯̗̗̱͍̝̳̲̼a͏҉̗͔͚̦͕̜͕̻͚̞͙ͅͅy͡͞͏̰̲̠͕͈̩.
Israel is attacking American universities with data shared to them by the National Security Agency, and “busy” professors are responsible for the degradation of Occupy Wall Street, author and journalist Chris Hedges said.
Hedges said while he and Dr. Cornel West were having dinner, the two of them lambasted lazy journalism professors and other intellectuals of being “too busy” to support free speech. During a speech to Northeastern University in Boston, Massachusetts, Hedges revealed a sinister Jewish plot to undermine American efforts at free dialog.
[Teachers] develop a secret respect for television media; a self-reinforced trust of the government.”
Documents leaked by former NSA contractor Edward Snowden – who previously worked for Booz-Allen Hamilton – revealed the zealous scrutiny of private American citizens’ information provided to Israel by the NSA. Experts have pointed out Israeli intelligence agencies are beginning to target intellectuals who question the two nations’ militant right-wing confederacy.
Internet Chronicle anthropologist and Chief Executive of Economic Research Adviser Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour said American university professors recuse themselves from forming a strong opinion because of a combination of factors.
“The omniscient gaze of the NSA and Israel are one reason you don’t want to be caught planning a demonstration against your government,” Troubadour said. “Fear of losing their jobs. Should they become impartial and dare to question Obama’s commitment to transparency, why, a teacher could disappear for that. So they develop a secret respect for television media; a self-reinforced trust of the government.”
A great leader once asked, “How’s that hopey, changey stuff workin’ out for ya?”
America found her answer. Former President George W. Bush announced a plan Monday to “take America back,” starting with a campaign to reignite nationalism in the American people.
“We’re gonna, you know, we’re gonna take America back,” Bush said, with a gleam in his eye, “We’ll return this great nation to its former glory.”
Bush said America needs a new image of strength and prosperity – a picture of change it can believe in. Village elders close to the president have said Bush began his “spirit campaign” two years ago, starting with impressionist paintings.
“I’ve talked with village elders. I’ve spoken to the proletariat. America’s sat by too long watching a womanly president fuck things up beyond recognition,” Bush said. “I think it’s time we took this country in the right direction. Don’t believe me? Look at this way: Are we better off now than we were in 2008?”
New photos surfaced of a strong, bear-like President Bush dressed for hunting, knowing it will inspire Americans to take up arms against the Red menace in the Ukraine.
A protest scheduled May 16 will give Americans their chance to register grievances in Washington, D.C. and call for the overthrow of the Obama regime. Demonstrators said they will call for the reinstatement of a further-right Bush doctrine “that would make the Tea Party look like a six-year-old’s imaginary affair.”
President Bush is expected to take office before the 2016 presidential election if necessary, but insiders caution that he could better secure “legitimacy” by waiting for a “vote” next year.
With a fried voice and look of stoned desperation in her eyes, Trail Boss Jamie Jo Corne delivered new orders Tuesday to her rapidly-growing cult following.
Corne commands her collective to delay the Washington Bull Party Plan until May 16.
The Bull Party is a rally to restore freedom, which involves dumping seeds on the Capitol in Washington, D.C. and turning loose “thousands” of heads of cattle in the city streets, heralded by Corne who is expected to arrive on horseback with The Articles of Separation in hand.
“This is what’s gonna happen,” Corne said, bumping her fists together. “This is when the people meet the government.”
She slammed the Occupy Wall Street movement for its pacifism, saying hers is the movement of True Change, adding that her changes might even lead to economic collapse as America returns to the barter system.
In her video message to the collective, the Trail Boss said she needed to push back the cattle rustling after speculation that a number of unidentified homeless people “went missing” and are being detained in FEMA camps. Corne ordered the farming collective to stand by while she and General Lee sort out the logistics of transferring people and animals into the gridlocked city of Washington, D.C.
“Large amounts of cattle … to herd them into Washington, D.C. is going to take a little bit more planning than 30 days,” Corne said over the clicking of the Battletruck hazard lights. “Not really planning, but prepping.
Corne said she is “sick of fucking around,” and to complete her plan, she will need cattle ranchers to volunteer to turn their cattle loose into the streets.
“There have been several, multiple cattle ranchers. Multiple,” Corne said. “A multitude of farmers coming through, that want to dump their GMO seed all over the place in Washington, D.C.”
Corne is Trail Boss of a group of farmers ready to take up arms against the government at any moment. Corne herself has already threatened President Barack Obama’s life: a stunning preemptive strike in what she and her people refer to as “the American Spring.”
The alternative effects of spreading genetically modified seed throughout the nation’s capital would likely be unknown for at least a decade, according to Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour, an Internet Chronicle botany consultant.
“It might not change anything,” Troubadour cautioned. “But then again, shit could be pretty fucked up for a while. Let’s wait and see.”
[UPDATE: THE TRAILBOSS HAS BEEN SILENCED. SHE HAS DELETED HER VIDEOS BECAUSE OF ATTEMPTS BY OUR GOVERNMENT TO SUPPRESS THE AMERICAN SPRING FREEDOM MOVEMENT. THE VIDEO CITED BELOW HAS BEEN LOST, BUT THIS REPORT REMAINS FACTUAL. PLEASE ENJOY A COMPLEMENTARY JAMIE JO CORNE VIDEO, COURTESY OF CHRONICLE.SU]
The plan is to give Congress three days to comply with demands. Consequences of non-compliance, Corne said, will be delivered in phases. Retaliation will be exacted by seizure of ports by collective forces, restrictions on imports, and the burning of social security cards.
“I’m changing the date to May 16th,” Corne said, “and we’re gonna get shit done. We’re gonna git’r’done.”