Americans gathered around their televisions Friday, satisfied, because even between commercial breaks, some say they are continuously entertained “by the war.”
American Emily Jessup, 23, said a broken nation of war can be a good thing. It can even be fun, she said.
“We can finally reap the spoils of war – even a losing one!” Jessup said. Jessup and four friends discussed the war Wednesday after a long and painful evening of ‘hanging out.’
“Aw, we was just hanging out,” Jessup explained. “Hanging out’s just a good old however-long session of silently staring into smart phones, watching the reality TV show Catfish on Netflix.
I looked around the room into my friends’ dead eyes, and that’s when I knew it was time to talk about the war.
Gerald Samberg, former reality television enthusiast, first had the idea to discuss war during what was undoubtedly an agonizing reappraisal of his own sexual market value.
Samberg said, “I looked around the room into my friends’ dead eyes, and that’s when I knew it was time to talk about the war.”
America – the war about nothing
Social media critic and behaviorist Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador hailed the war as “the perfect topic for discussion, anytime.” He added, “Even if you don’t know what to talk about, you can always just talk about the war. May the loudest opinion win!”
“The war has given us so much… to talk about,” Samberg said. “I’m shocked I even used to watch that old reality television. It just bores me now, and I can’t think about anything but this new ‘reality TV’ called war.”
Jeremy Thornton, another friend in Samberg’s group set, said he is good with activities that don’t require human interaction. Thornton said he enjoys masturbation and videogames, but when it comes to “smalltalk,” he just can’t cope.
“I can look at Redtube.com for six hours straight,” Jeremy said, “but you put me around people and my mouth gets all whiskey-dick. I just can’t talk to people. It’s awful. But then I remember we’re a nation at war, and I’m happy again.”
Billy Bell “Ray” Thornton, Jeremy’s younger brother and emotional punching bag, added, “Our Grandpa died in the war, shot down by the slopes – Pacific Theater. I never really understood it, but now I’m getting it. Grandpa didn’t die in vain. I like to think Grandpa died for a cause, afterall. Grandpa died so we’d have something to talk about, didn’t he?”
Later, Billy Bell Ray said the war helps him feel better about himself. Other members of their friend group agreed that the war makes them feel better about themselves in general, and that they were willing to talk about it made them deeper, more thoughtful and intelligent people.
And it does.
The War™ is brought to you gloriously by Lebal Drocer, Inc.
The inverted pyramid of the Bitcoin Occult Association represents upside down capitalism acting as the horizon for the all-seeing-eye.
INTERNET — Many Bitcoin investors panicked as all Bitcoin trading came to a mysterious stop on Sunday.
Cryptanalyst Dr. Angstrom Troubador of the Secret FISA Cuthbert Institute of Technology at Palantir stepped forward to take responsibility, telling the press, “A new generation of bitcoin millionaires and billionaires have infested the streets of America with hybrid cars which are designed to last for exactly 8 years. Bitcoin’s annihilation and incorporation into the general world economy acts as a turbo-boost for the empire. Can you feel it happening? The Shift is here. Capitalism 2.0, man. Artificial moneymaking crowdbanking fads which work to the benefit of the individual and the whole. It’s trickle-up fad economics, but it just swings. People will make billions, even trillions, and then the banks will kill it at a pre-ordained time. This will happen again and again, and it is a part of their plan to rebuild the middle class and the — uh — developing class.”
After many reporters chanted “Occupy Wall Street” and were thrown out of the room, Doctor Troubador continued, “The Occult knowledge of Bitcoin has been hidden, but I quote the seminal message of its creator: ‘Live by the coin. Die by the coin. For know one day a coin will always rise again, better than all others, and at this point a peaceful sanity will descend over the planet.'”
Trading continues at a much depressed state in markets continuing to sell Litecoins and PPCoins. but dogecoins are now traded at an astounding rate and worth, quadrupling in value over night.
The owner of MtGox, Dr. Satoshi Nakomoto, pounded his corporate fist at his podium, “We aren’t closing down, but we’re downsizing. If they bust Litecoin, we’re done. The Coin Fad is almost over, man. I’m calling it now. It was exactly like Tulips. Funny money. No one should have taken it, it was a bogus hacker prank from the get-go. Mt. Gox will continue to offer an alternative to Paypal, who if you’ll remember once blockaded our dear friends at Anonymous — the brave ones who stand for freedom and mere destruction of all governments everywhere. Support Mt. Gox, and you support a proud member of Anonymous.” Dr. Nakomoto winked at the camera.
It’s hanging onto everyone, leering around at the room as it gropes the family children, probing for stuff it’s not supposed to find.
“Uh-oh, what have we here? Something you’re not supposed to be doing. Your parents would be very upset if they knew that you did that. There, there. Don’t cry. Really. You can make it all better. That’s a good girl. You don’t have to cry. Uncle NSA can help you make it all better. Shhhhhhhh.”
The NSA knows all the best changing rooms, where they can take a peek at your children’s sexting photos and blackmail their enemies with the same handy multi-tool, connected right into that magical cloud like it’s Ghost in the Fucking Shell.
But I already know you’re not mad. I’m just saying.
Heck, I’m glad we have something like the NSA protecting our freedoms, like other paramilitary, sub-governmental groups such as the Taliban, Hezbollah and Hamas protect the freedoms of their constituents.
Thanks, creepy Uncle NSA! Give me a hug. Hey! Tee-hee. Watch the hands!
This message brought to you jingoistically by Lebal Drocer, Inc. – American patriotism at its finest.
NSA’s Richard Ledgett will spy on everyone and everything, including the NSA.
It was announced Thursday the NSA is installing an all-seeing Eye of Sauron headed by Richard Ledgett. Ledgett will spy on his own spying agency to prevent more incidents like former contractor Edward Snowden.
He was quoted by the AP as saying, “The Lord of America sees all.”
“Concealed within his fortress, the Lord of America sees all. His gaze pierces cloud, shadow, earth, and flesh. You know of what I speak, Greenwald: a great Eye, lidless, wreathed in flame.”
With Sauron Technology, Dick Ledgett can see his National Security Agents of Misfortune fucking up in real time, and make them disappear.
This entire story was broken on conditions of anonymity. Not even the NSA spokeswoman would comment on Ledgett’s simple position change.
One thing’s for sure: We’ll all be a lot more free this way.
INTERNET — Everything you thought you knew about hacking is bullshit.
After years of living underground, in refuge from the whitehat warlords, blackhat hackers will finally be eliminated in what is being dubbed the “Blackhat Holocaust.” What was once a rich and vibrant scene has been co-opted by the far right-left corporatarians, meaning dollar bills, fellas. Your hats are meaningless in the eyes of governments and corporations alike. All of your ideas, inventions, theories, exploits are being freely(at a cost) distributed amongst the wealthy to piss in the collective pool with.
The NSA are the biggest blackhats, man.
Your OPSEC is futile. You mull over the thousands of possibilities for event(x) out loud on twitter, while the blackhats laugh in the background. Such ugly schadenfreude; but their time has come.
The Internet Chronicles Chief Technology Officer and avid Biella Coleman fan, Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador elaborates: “Blackhats aren’t Anonymous, they aren’t carders, script kiddies, packeteers or those owning Linode for fun. Nay, they are something far more villainous.”
For about 15 years now, people touted whitehats as the enemy of the hacking community at large, but the real harbinger of destruction was the peddling of a deluded belief that being a blackhat meant you could still work for the government, you could still be a corporate lackey, you’d have to sell your soul, but you could still write your exploits… though you’d have to sell those too. Everyone needs money though, right? We understand.
Is there a way to overthrow the omnipresent blackhat hegemony? Absolutely! You must learn the ways of the blackhat, become a blackhat hacker, immerse yourself in all things blackhat. Write as many exploits as possible. You will be challenged though, oh you will be challenged. This task is not for the faint at heart or wallet. With your exploits comes the potential for sale to nation-state actors that will use your own tools against you, your friends and loved ones. You will be lured in by unimaginable riches, the wealth of a thousand kingdoms and oh the power, the mother fucking power! However grandiose it all may seem, don’t fuck your fellow hackers and citizens in the ass. Just don’t fucking do it.
The blackhats will come to you in many forms. It will happen this way: you will be coding… maybe the last sunny day of fall and an encrypted message will be sent to you from someone you know, perhaps even trust, and they will offer a smile, a becoming smile, but they will leave open the door to becoming a true blackhat and offer to give you a lift…
For this day: release your exploits, tools, techniques, everything you’ve ever learned! Destroy all of your 0day via disclosure or distribute them amongst the poor and impoverished! Take the power you collected through your quest for great knowledge and destroy it in one fell swoop.
Cum on them before they cum on you.
And then create something beautiful.
I suppose it doesn’t matter though, guys and dolls, because there’s a war going on and this war is prefixed with “cyber,” fellas. Buyin’ in, sellin’ out.
INTERNET – In 1994, critics led by Tipper Gore called for the rare Adults Only ESRB rating of a controversial videogame that encouraged gamers to hack fictional government mainframes and turn over data for points.
Gore’s fears were not misplaced. New evidence suggests Snowden grew up playing certain games against all caution, such as Dissent, for Playstation 1, and Bureau Kombat.
With technological advances vastly exceeding the predictions of Murphy’s Law, gaming has evolved. Whistleblow Auto V gives players realtime access to actual top-tier government agencies using Antisocial Club, the in-game hacker interface connecting gamers to stocks, politicians’ emails and realtime Skype conversations to destroy political enemies before they can react.
As a result of exposure to the influence of violently helpful videogames, Snowden later downloaded what he could en masse, and hand picked the journalists he wanted disseminating it. He chose Laura Poitras because of her hyper-violent access to the mainstream press.
Poitras profited heavily from the Snowden leaks he stole while working as a contractor for the CIA. And as far as Poitras goes, the US Government doesn’t know whether to prosecute her for publishing leaks, or to turn her into the poster child for American capitalism.
As long as The Truth sells, people will buy it. What would we do without access to absolute reality the mainstream press is selling? What would you do without an imagined baseline of morality? What would we do with the truth?
These are all questions Whistleblow Auto V purports to address under the guise of “entertainment.”
New fears of youth organizing have arisen of EA’s proposal to develop Sim Militia, which EA said will be released in a painful series of full-priced DLC that slowly opens new territory and an innovative hate tree similar to the tech trees of Starcraft and Civilization.
A transcendental John F. Kennedy once said, “Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country.”
JFK might have been a no-good Communist sympathizer, but by God, he was right about one thing: serving your country. Besides, why do you think we had him assassinated?
The new frontier is wrought with peril – freedom-threatening, America-hating, chemically weaponized peril. But we don’t have to stand for it!
Who would have thought a man named Barack HusseinObama would someday turn out to serve Al-Qaeda?
NOT US! But things are different.By gum, times have changed. America’s taking on a new image. No, we still don’t negotiate with terrorists; we FINANCE them! Where are our tax dollars going? Follow the money! Sign up for Al-Qaeda now, and take part in some of the most freedom-enhancing, civilian-terrorizing fun you can have with your pants off – raping countless victims!
Enlist within one hour of reading this to sign up for our Syrian Autumn event and receive premium access to maximum firepower with minimum consequences!
Sign up Wednesday for OUR PATRIOT DAY SPECIAL. Can’t beat ‘em?Join ‘em! 12 years ago tomorrow, Al-Qaeda bombed the World Trade Center, effectively castrating the American spirit of self-determination. Now, we are more reliant on Al-Qaeda for survival than ever before.
Domestic Extremists: Al Jazeera America’s Coverage is Covering up the Truth about Syria
WASHINGTON – As a full-scale NATO offensive against Syrian dictator Bashar al-Assad looms, the Obama administration’s Commerce Department is ensuring that Americans have full access to accurate information about the upcoming struggle. Commerce Secretary Penny Pritzker said Tuesday that any Americans attempting to Web-stream Al Jazeera English, as opposed to Al Jazeera America, would face felony charges.
In an on-the-record teleconference Tuesday Sec. Penny Pritzker said, “Al Jazeera America is the go-to source for Americans interested in news about the conflict. In a time of war, it’s time for Americans to unify around one story and one nation.”
State Public Affairs Undersecretary Tara Sonenshine joined Sec. Pritzker on the call, and added what she described as “much-needed” context to State Secretary Hillary Clinton’s Spring 2011 advisement that Al Jazeera English had proven the “real news.”
It was then, in the midst of the Arab spring, that Sec. Clinton said, “Al Jazeera has been the leader in … literally changing people’s minds and attitudes” and that it had been “really effective.”
Ms. Sonenshine addressed complaints by disloyal Al Jazeera staff, published in Lebanon’s Al Akhbar, that Al Jazeera had become oblivious to suffering allegedly caused at the hands of the Free Syrian Army’s freedom fighters.
Screenshot: Al Jazeera English, Inappropriate for Americans
Ms Sec. Sonenshine said, “Unfortunately, frivolous public statements by violators of NDAs [nondisclosure agreements] have compromised what remains an interest in global awareness and the free flow of information.”
The high-level officials’ comments echo a Commerce Department position articulated last month. A department Green Paper made clear the administration’s position that Congress should “enact legislation adopting the same range of penalties for criminal streaming of copyrighted works as now exists for criminal reproduction and distribution.” As the liberation of Syria has become more certain, Congress has acted to ensure that violators of intellectual property rights are delivered justice.
“Would-be offenders,” said Ms. Sonenshine, “should understand our commitment to protecting the innovation of all of our global partners, including Al Jazeera America. I want the international community to understand we take our IP [intellectual property] obligations as seriously as ever.”
Al Jazeera provided what the state secretary regarded as “cutting-edge” coverage of the Arab Spring. Since then, the Qatar-based news service has launched a new channel, Al Jazeera America, tailored especially to the interests and – said Undersecretary Sonenshine – self-interests of middle-class Americans.
Sec. Pritzer cited her concern that citizens might become “confused” about the United States’ and al-Qaeda’s new, mutual front against the barbarism of the Assad regime. Al-Qaeda, a Salafist and Wahhabist group slandered throughout the Gulf, is now on the front lines against the Syrian evildoers.
“While Americans have every right to feel misgivings over al-Qaeda’s role in perpetrating the 9/11 attacks,” said Sec. Pritzker, “it is far more important, for national security, for them to now remember the plight of Syrians suffering from the Assad regime’s morally obscene deployment of weapons of mass destruction.” Added Pritzer, “The agenda of freedom in the Middle East is larger than any given sect or clique. We can’t kowtow to domestic extremists bent on enforcing their grudges on the rest of civil society.”
DAMASCUS, Syria – Syrian President Bashar al-Assad – in Iran right now, presumably waiting for his country to collapse – would not have been “so stupid” as to deploy chemical weapons near Damascus, said Saleh Muslim, head of the Kurdish Democratic Union Party (PYD).
Secretary of State John Kerry said Tuesday, “Anyone who can claim that an attack of this staggering scale could be contrived or fabricated needs to check their conscience and their own moral compass.”
The facts are that the United States has no proof, no need to attack, and certainly no need for advice on the direction of our moral compass from a career politician.
It has grown increasingly clear the chemical attack on rebels was a false-flag meant to trigger international outrage. Al Assad studied medicine in the West, surfs the Internet and knows a chemical weapons attack is the golden ticket to losing his seat in power. So why would he do it?
Chances are, Assad didn’t suddenly come to the realization that having all this power, wealth and fame totally sucks ass and decide to commit suicide. He’s already been briefed on hegemonic stability theory and patterns of conflict. So instead of using chemical weapons before now, he ordered regime forces to encircle the rebels before attacking so that none could retreat. This has caused rebel leaders to scurry like rats for the highest ground, beheading each other for control over shrinking turf.
So does Assad need gas attacks? Does he want them? All evidence suggests he’s been doing just fine up until now. Even the Taliban actively discourages its members from joining this Jihad, with recent historical knowledge to predict how U.S.-trained forces later serve U.S. hegemony and ultimate destruction. Eventually, some forces may, in the name of justice for humanitarian abuses, cultural decimation, or whatever, eventually attack the United States in a terrorist bombing, but that only serves to justify our continued actions.
Americans hold onto their butts in anticipation of Barack Hussein Obama’s husk of hope and change ordering military strikes on Syria, and Assad’s days are numbered as the world looks to Turkey and the confrontation makes its way, once again, to Putin’s doorstep.