Vatican Forces Storm Dome of the Rock, Pope names Snowden Messiah

The Dome of the Rock was captured by Vatican Forces and Pope Francis named Saint Snowden Messiah upon the rock where God spared Abraham the sacrifice of his firstborn son Isaac.
The Dome of the Rock was captured by Vatican Forces and Pope Francis named Saint Snowden Messiah upon the Rock.

JERUSALEM — Saint Edward Snowden landed in Jerusalem today, accompanied by Pope Francis, Glen Greenwild, and an entourage of WikiLeaks agents. After leaking documents proving HAARP assassinations, Chemtrails, Ultraterrestrials, and NSA surveillance, Pope Francis quickly sanctified Saint Snowden.

Tuesday Morning, several hundred heavily armed Swiss commandos from the Vatican captured the Dome of the Rock from Muslim forces. Soon after, in a ceremony which took place atop the Rock — Jews and Christians believe God spared Abraham the sacrifice of his firstborn son Isaac upon the Rock — Pope Francis gave Snowden the name Messiah.

Catholics around the world are celebrating the second coming of Christ, and rabidly searching out a candidate for the Anti-Christ. Because Snowden has pitted himself as the main aggressor in a proxy cyberbattle between America and its most potent allies, most Catholics believe Obama to be the Anti-Christ. Pope Francis has made no comment. However, the Moscow Patriarchate, head of the Russian Orthodox Church, issued statements recognizing Snowden as Messiah and condemned Obama for “unforgivable crimes against humanity.”

The Dome of the Rock has been under Muslim control for centuries, as they believe it is the spot where Mohammed ascended to heaven after discussing matters with both Jesus and Abraham. Those of other religions are no longer allowed near the rock, which is well known to be the place where God is most sensitive to prayer. Jews have lamented their muted prayers by praying at the last remnant of their long-destroyed temple outside the Dome, the Wailing Wall, where some shred of God may still be listening, but probably not. The Wailing Wall is also commonly used by Christians as “God’s Mailbox,” where written prayers reach top priority in God’s reading.

Religious experts do not all agree that Snowden is the second coming of Christ. “Snowden’s another prophet, sure, but no Messiah. Christians have too many messiahs! You know Saint Francis was a messiah, too! Pope Francis is mad. A messiah can’t happen until Jews get the Rock and the temple back,” said Rabbi Jacob Seinfeld, adding, “Gentiles just do not count.”

Snowden Granted Sainthood

Asylum in the Vatican!

Edward SnowdenPope Francis not only offered Asylum to the renegade NSA staffer and media villain, Edward Snowden, but has granted the man Sainthood in a controversial decision that has the highest priests in Rome praying for simple answers.

“What Snowden did for the suffering masses,” said the Pope, “is something we should expect not from worldly saints such as Kateri Tekakwitha or our hero Edward Snowden – but from ourselves. All people should be attuned to be atoned, to our suffering flock. We are all Edward Snowden. We all have the capacity to be saints.”

Hardline Vatican conservatives blasted the Pope for what is being called “reckless saint honor” in the church.

The Pope offers asylum to Snowden as a gesture of peace to South American Catholics who suffered at the hands of American CIA operations to remove democratically elected officials by assassination and replace them with fundamentalist dictators, turning the entire continent into a Third World Plantation.

“The next thing you know,” said opponent Benito Del Mussili, “We’ll grant sainthood to Barack Obama, or a Kardashian. When will this reckless saint honor before the media finally stop?”

Some priests have reportedly blessed their computers and handheld mobile devices.

Although the Guardian today released a newly-edited version of Glenn Greenwald’s interview with Snowden, there is still no official word from Snowden as to whether he will accept either Sainthood, asylum in Vatican City, neither, or both.

Battle Stations!

Plato said that a city driven by luxuries was fevered, and in a state of Eternal War the entire planet is overrun by Jungles as Carbon Dioxide and Global Warming alter the climate and lead to mass-famines in every city except on small islands. Repeated Nuclear Detonations release just enough ash to partially cancel the global warming, ironically becoming the only reason life on Earth can possibly survive.
Plato said that a city driven by luxuries was fevered, and in a state of Eternal War the entire planet is overrun by Jungles as Carbon Dioxide and Global Warming alter the climate and lead to mass-famines in every city except on small islands. Repeated Nuclear Detonations release just enough ash to partially cancel the global warming, ironically becoming the only reason life on Earth can possibly survive.

FROM WITHIN PRISM’S PANOTPIC GAZE — The Empire Has No Clothes, and the Revolution draws ever nearer, just as me and all my friends on Twitter have always agreed. It’s so close I can taste it.

As the Panopticon’s Black Iron Prison encloses the planet Earth from a panoply of hateful Imperial powers — America, China, and every tinpot dictator in each patsy state on the planet, We, The People of the Internet have been busy plotting the perfect and most intellectual plans for the New World Order, which also happens to be the thing conspiracy theorists like me fear most. I’ve done tremendous research on this problem, and have logged untold thousands of hours on many different versions of Sid Meyer’s Civilization series.

The New World Order is a horror, of course, unless you happen to believe in Reparations for all Blacks in America, Gay Marriage, Legal Marijuana, Maximum Salaries, and Maximum Work Weeks. You want some hope? I’ll throw that in, but you’ve got to send me bitcoins.

That’s right! No one in America (Or our patsy semi-colonies!) will EVER work more than 20 hours a week. It’s a bitch when all these RedBoxes, McBoxes, and Combine Harvesters take the jobs of all our illegal immigrants and we have to start paying for their healthcare. But not anymore! No, No! We will have enough jobs even for the freeloaders and the tramps, and people will still be able to become unbelievably filthy fucking rich with a maximum yearly income of 5 million dollars. Sure, some people might say I want to unfairly tax the everliving shit out of those who bring in billions, but I don’t see it that way. They made it all on your dime! Think about it, we’ve been investing tax money into computers and robots for a hundred years in order to fight for freedom and defeat the Nazi Scum. We SHOULD be living in a Techno Utopia with Robots doing Everything! To HELL with Nazi-sympathizing billionaires who think that THEY should get ALL profit off of The Only God Damned GOOD war we’ve fought in a long time. We’re gonna invest it in robots, motherfucker! If you Vote for ME as president of the New World Order, which will surely follow the oncoming Revolution (I believe it was instigated by the Chinese! They’ve taken Snowden into their grips, and I’m afraid it’s too late for Obama. (We can’t fall into the grips of China. Trust me, I would prefer Prism to the Great FireWall ANY DAY.))

FEMA CAMPS ACTIVATE AS MILITIA GROUPS ASSEMBLE IN WAKE OF NSA SURVEILLANCE DEBACLE

Armed militia groups have assembled in public spaces around the nation in response to totalitarian government surveillance.
Armed militia groups have assembled in public spaces around the nation in response to totalitarian government surveillance.

WASHINGTON – Floods of concerned citizens around the nation are reporting the same chilling story: Convoys of military and paramilitary forces are arriving at Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) camps, which are capable of indefinitely interning a large proportion of American citizens. Militia groups have reportedly assembled in downtown Grand Rapids, N.D., at the Citadel patriot community in Benewah County, Idaho, and at least a hundred public spaces across the nation. Hundreds of protesters have gathered outside of the entrance to the access road leading to the deep-underground FEMA Mount Weather Emergency Operations Center. It is unclear whether this is a response to activation of FEMA camps, or if the FEMA camps activated in response to the assembly of these militias, who are likening themselves to an armed Occupy movement.

A spokesperson for the OccupyMilitia, as the spontaneous militarized protest movement has been dubbed, said, “We don’t want death or violence. We just want an end to totalitarian Internet surveillance, and we know from watching the Occupy protests that we need to be armed if we want to be heard.”

Citizens around the nation wait with bated breath as the inevitable conflict approaches, and for some the story has become too much to handle.

“We’ve had several suicides related to this NSA wiretap story,” said Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador of Mercy Hospital in Cuthbert, Ga. “More are coming in by the hour as these FEMA stories spread. People are certain they will soon be sent to their death in these camps, especially those who already believe Obama is the Antichrist.”

Pope taking media joke “a little too far”

Pope Kisses For Photo Op
Pope Francis grovels Thursday at the hairy feet of a sub-human Muslim girl.

Top Cardinals at the Vatican said Pope Francis is “taking that whole ‘respecting the smallest and least-fortunate’ joke a little too far.”

The move has the Vatican PR Department worried the public has finally caught on to Catholic efforts to paint the church as a sympathetic, non-child-fucking institution.

“That was supposed to be tongue in cheek, you know, to pacify the media. Now he’s washing the feet of a Muslim prisoner? This is just sick. It’s time to come on back inside, Mr. Pope, and wash your hands for a dinner of souls.” – Pope Handler Jacob Inglacius

Inglacius said he told the Pope to break tradition on the Hope and Fear campaign that launched President Obama into permanent dictatorship.Pope of Change

“We asked him to do some stuff the Pope would never do – you know, ‘Be Christlike!’ – and all that – but now I think the joke is on us. I think he wants us to look bad by acting so good. I mean, you know he’s not really like this, right?  I’ve seen him play Euro Truck Simulator 2 14 hours straight.”

Chronicle religion expert Kilgoar Trout said the PR move comes as no surprise. The new Pope, Kilgoar said, is likely to go so far as take a positive stance on homosexuality – “How else is it ever going to be alright again for men of the cloth to fuck supple young altar boys?”

Pastor Hal W. Hubbard outrages nation by endorsing gay marriage, abortion

Pastor Hal W. Hubbard caresses an Eastern Diamondback rattlesnake.
Pastor Hal W. Hubbard caresses an Eastern Diamondback rattlesnake.

Saddleback Mountain, VA — Pastor Hal W. Hubbard of the Pentecostal Church of Holiness outraged the nation Wednesday with statements denouncing traditional marriage and the sacrosanct status of fetal life. In a recent sermon, Hubbard said, “God’s children are killing this planet, and soon his creation will be trampled into a wasteland of dust and refuse by the unholy feet of devil-worshiping breeders. Those married to the opposite sex will burn in hell along with those women who refuse the sacrament of holy abortion.”

Pastor Hubbard is known for fiery snake-handling sermons and speaking in tongues, and reportedly changed his position on gay marriage during a mystical experience in which he was bitten by a copperhead. “God sunk his venom into my veins as punishment for preaching against his will. Gay marriage and abortion are the only way we can save this planet; what was once evil may now be our only chance at salvation.”

Some have drawn a parallel between Hubbard and Westboro Baptist’s Fred Phelps, as both preachers use radical polemics in order to popularize their seemingly satirical message. Hubbard was offended by such comparisons, “I ain’t ruinin’ anyone’s funerals or sending my family marching around like moron hippies with retard signs. I just listen to the snakes and the people speakin’ in tongues. I believe what I believe, and only gay marriage and abortion can save God’s creation now.”

Did Vic Livingston Sacrifice Frank Mason to Illuminati to Become Journalist?

Vic LivingstonMORRISVILLE, PA. — New analysis from The Internet Chronicle suggests that the 2012 murder of its editor-in-chief may have been a work of Pennsylvania journalist Vic Livingston. Livingston’s explosive reporting, fueled by an unreal Rolodex of establishment who’s-whos, has yielded exposé after exposé so groundbreaking that many believe there is no other possible conclusion than he has had to cannibalize one of his own to take a place amongst the inner fold. In October Livingston issued an astonishing report uncovering the “brain-fogging” of President Obama during the first presidential debate.

Rumors once again swirled around Mason’s Virginia death after local Illuminati human sacrifice activity was revealed this month by the Richmond Times-Dispatch. The secret society’s ruthless initiation rituals were let out of the bag when would-be victim Thomas Johnson accidentally survived rapper Wafeeq Sabir El-Amin’s sacrifice attempt.

“You are my sacrifice,” Johnson quoted El-Amin as saying before he allegedly fired a shot toward his friend’s head inside a Henrico home that was to become a music studio.

[…]

The victim awoke from a drowsy sleep to see El-Amin pointing a gun at his head and saying he needed to be sacrificed, according to the search warrant.

[…]

The bullet ricocheted off the victim’s hand sending bone and skin fragments into his eye, according to the warrant, but the victim was able to get hold of the gun and shoot El-Amin in the stomach before he ran off.

[…]

[A] sacrifice had to occur in order to join the Illuminati that allegedly incited El-Amin, Johnson said. Investigators recovered from the Athens Avenue home, according to the search warrant . . . literature dealing with the Illuminati and its . . . connection to the music industry.

And as any working journalist can tell you, the reporting game is no less competitive than the rap game.

Angstrom Troubadour, parasociologist at University of California-Berkley, tells the Chronicle that human sacrifice is a routine demand for those hoping to cross the blood-drenched line into the world of “journalism.”  Unlike the widely celebrated role of the journalist, that of the blogger is thankless. Substantiating credential means approval of the powers-that-be — at the cost of one’s soul.

“Grassroots researchers, speculating on rapidly deleted Democratic Underground forum threads,” said Troubadour by phone, “have long sought to pinpoint the specific human sacrifices that empowered the media elite. Just how did Matt Yglesias execute Gary Webb to convince Atlantic editors he was for real? MSNBC viewers have long suspected Luke Russert executed his own father to assure a place in the sun.”

But when Professor Troubadour first laid out the latter question in a lecture to the Columbia School of Journalism last fall, many graduate students and faculty expressed skepticism. The late “Meet the Press” host, Tim Russert, they insisted, might have permitted an assisted suicide to ensure his son any prospects whatsoever.

The winter 2012 “panic attacks” that claimed Mason came soon after the editor attracted the ire of Bilderberg attendees and the Club of Rome. In mid-2011, for example, he reported on the signing of the cloak-and-dagger National Defense Authorization Act, which permits the indefinite detention of American citizens.

UPDATE 1:33 a.m. EDT — Hat tip to a Twitter follower who direct-messaged me this amazing Breitbart report from Thursday. Breitbart blogger Ben Shapiro has uncovered that the aforementioned Slate economics reporter, Matt Yglesias, has just purchased a $1.2 million condominium — an impossible task on a writer’s meager salary.

MattYglesias
Foreground: Slate Economics Reporter Matt Yglesias atop New, Inexplicably Acquired Personal Ivory Tower; Background: Pyramid Skylights Unmistakably Illuminati Trappings (Photo: Breitbart)

What else to make of reports . . . Matthew Yglesias . . . owns a three-bedroom, three-bath home on Q Street in Logan Circle that clocks in at that hefty sum?

[…]

How much is Yglesias being paid to write for Slate?

One point is, Mr. Shapiro, we can really never know. But the better question is: What else is he being paid to do? Or whom?