Fans mourn the loss of Trout.
WASHINGTON – Monday, “Kilgoar” Trout, founder of the beloved Internet Chronicle, died from a simultaneous drug overdose and car wreck while on his way to a “business meeting.” Police forensics experts seemed befuddled reporting, “We’ve never had a case of death by the combination of overdose and car accident, but this is what appears to have happened.” Trout was not driving the vehicle at the time of the wreck, but the driver, who escaped unscathed, was tested by police at the scene and was reportedly extremely drunk. Obsessive teary-eyed fanboy Geo Hotz said, “This is just like Princess Diana. We will have no justice.”
Long-time friend of Trout, Niall Coffey, said, “Kilgoar fell prey to his own lavish lifestyle and instantaneous Internet success. We knew it was bad when he did a cameo on EpicMealTime, but we didn’t know it was this bad. He will be deeply missed.” Critics of The Internet Chronicle say the site descended from a darkly funny and intelligent source for satire into an endless stream of transparent death hoaxes, which were nonetheless highly successful in bringing in massive streams of advertising revenue.
Known for obsessively attacking the hacktivist collective Anonymous, perhaps Trout’s most famous and controversial work was the Anti-Leader’s Handbook, a longwinded 8,000-word self-centered exegesis full of red-faced rants and recycled postmodern tropes on the paradoxical nature of Anarchist Collectives and archetypal anti-heroes. It also featured the now-famous “Stratfor hack is not Anonymous” hoax, which rightly accused Sabu of working with the FBI months before the public became aware. The self-styled “King of Trolls,” Trout viciously taunted every sect of humanity in the name of non-violence and tolerance.
The Internet Chronicle’s remaining assets have been transferred to Tyler Bass, who plans to sell the business to News Corporation for 11.2 million USD. Mr. Trout’s personal fortune, upwards of $5.6 billion, has been set aside to buy laptops for children in the third world. These laptops come with an operating system designed personally by Trout to block all viral content and only show information produced or curated by verified experts.
The pop singer of internet stardom has been accused of molesting children.
Astley to give it up?
INTERNET – Rick Astley battles fresh accusations of child molestation, which surfaced Monday on YouTube.
Accusers arrived in full force, leaving graphic remarks surrounding the wretched details of his case.
News broke around 2 a.m. EST after events came to light. Stay tuned, and refresh: we will update this story as details come to light.
Usually it all starts with a sickly transparent appeal for the acceptance and affection of a group by a complete outsider. Often the fawning stage is baldly disguised as self-deprecation, but more often it begins as a contrived yet frank attempt to become part of a group. The endorphin rush of acceptance accompanies the act of fawning rather than the acceptance itself.
Suffering from the contradictory feelings of total rejection and overwhelming delusional acceptance, the rejected outsider’s ego snaps and he or she inevitably posts jocular comments under many different names, always usurping the identities of those who refuse to validate his or her fawning. This is a sad attempt at “play” from an outsider in complete denial of the obvious rejection. I have seen this stage last for months, and the number of handles used by the same individual, “Geo,” reached a record of 63 different “identities.” This list is incomplete, however, and dates from July of 2011. Since then, “Geo” has repeatedly continued through this cycle and added countless nicks to his trophy case of shame.
Having finally reconciled the rejection, the subject goes on the attack. The most common statement is something like, “I used to like your group, but you’ve gone way downhill recently.” This stage may also last for months, and often the use of transparent alternate identities will persist, even though the repetitive and absurd comments follow an all-too-easily recognized pattern.
The famously obvious Ragequit is often extremely dramatic, but always entirely meaningless. Sometimes it’s really just a part of the aggression stage and it doesn’t necessarily signify a reset in the cycle. Often saying absurd things like “I’m quitting the Internet” or “I’m never visiting this website again,” the rejected person might even try to portray their rage as a quiet and sad admission to the failure of their fawning, only to revert back to the fawning stage within a few days. (Or a single day in THIS case)
I recently posted a very long work to the secretive and prickly SubGenius newsgroup at the suggestion of a SubGenius friend. Many supporters and detractors of Anonymous found this work a valuable analysis of the stagnant discourse plaguing the nascent Anarchic movement, and much of it was obviously inspired or borrowed from the Book of the SubGenius. Some SubGenii, however, immediately identified this as an act of fawning, and set to the same kind of public shaming I’ve dealt out to “Geo” for the past year. My ironic wit immediately engaged in a rapid-fire parody of the vicious cycle of rejection, but this “Satire and Parody fan club” seemed to have succumbed to dementia and failed to recognize the sarcasm. Sadly, I am now trapped in this cycle and any move will be interpreted as one of the four stages of Internet rejection.
“Keep telling yourself that, pinkboy.” ~ Rev. Ivan Stang
Ryan Cleary was seen wearing the same clothes during his March arrest as when he was arrested last summer, but according to eyewitness reports, "looked more like a zombie this time."
LONDON – Internet snitch Ryan Cleary‘s lawyer made no attempt to defend her client’s retardation Saturday as she told chronicle.su he has been in prison since March 5 for talking to Sabu over Christmas, a violation of his bail.
Even though Sabu was, by that time, fully employed by the FBI, Ryan and a few other people who don’t read chronicle.su still thought he was on their side, and probably said some criminal-ass shit to him.
Cleary is lurking Chelmsford Prison near London.
He will go before a judge in May alongside LulzSec‘s very own Jake Davis, a.k.a. Topiary.
In a highly charged article by Frank Mason, executive editor for the Internet Chronicle, questions were raised about an Anonymous “moralfag” known as MotorMouth, who runs the MotorMouthNews twitter feed. MotorMouth might be described as one of many leaders within Anonymous, but he considers himself more of an educator. His self-styled role in Anonymous is purportedly to keep new members in line with the principles of freedom of press, freedom of religion, and freedom of information.
In Frank Mason’s article, MotorMouth is depicted as a “bounty hunter.” While MotorMouth has confirmed that the pastebin referenced in Mason’s article was legitimate, he says the statements were taken out of context. “I said I was a bounty hunter as a part of an experiment to see how [Jamie Corne] would react. And she took the bait,” MotorMouth stated.
This disinformation campaign against MotorMouth allegedly started over MotorMouth’s refusal to support the Stratfor hack. MotorMouth suggests that the smear campaign against him might have even been Sabu’s idea.
While this is all very interesting, this cyberwar bullshit must be taken with a grain of salt. In the heavily edited words of Frank Mason: “So remember anons, if you see this man[/woman/ANYONE WHO CLAIMS TO BE FROM ANONYMOUS], do not divulge information to him[/her]. He[/she] could be a bounty hunter hooking up crooked cops, so better safe than sorry. Like we used to say back in the World War II days: ‘Loose Lips Sink Ships!'”
In the post Sabu era, this is more true than ever.
So today I signed onto Chronicle.SU and saw fucking porn ADS popping up all over the place. What the shit has this place become?
Just a couple of days ago I read a really great article and I thought Chronicle was finally making a comeback…
Now they’re just going to make a bunch of ridiculous stories up for hits, you know. Not even writing funny stories, just hit stunts using search engine tricks. Fuck the Internet Chroncile. Yeah you heard me, fuck this place.
I’m quitting this fucking web site, you’ll never see me here again. Kilgoar and Ol Brutus are dead to me. Everything they write from this point on is just to make money. Fuck. I hate this.
AnonymousIRC's Rush Limbaugh Moment
Friday, the @AnonymousIRC Twitter account made an uncalled for and wholly sexist attack against @RevMagdalen, a church leader who has faced religious persecution. Reverend Magdalen’s feed has often featured opinions about the manifold dangers created by Occupy and Anonymous, as well as educational material on related subjects.
This disrespectful and frankly sexist attack against Reverend Magdalen is exactly the same as what Rush Limbaugh did to Sandra Fluke. Both Rush Limbaugh and AnonymousIRC found themselves threatened by a woman of greater intellect and resorted to sexist remarks. Limbaugh did use coarser language, but the message was the same: You are a sexual object and nothing more, now be quiet while the boys talk about important stuff. AnonymousIRC could not be bothered to apologize to Reverend Magdalen, so in that way he is actually worse than Limbaugh.
Among such “radical activists” as Anonymous, this kind of sexism should have no place. No voices within “Anonymiss,” a bitterly repressed class of the Anonymous collective, have spoken up to support Reverend Magdalen. Anonymiss is too busy entertaining their superiors by posing naked with Guy Fawkes masks and putting sharpies in their anus. The demand for increasingly demeaning pictures of Anonymous-supporting women is a hallmark of the Anonymous culture, and in this light the demands of AnonymousIRC become even more clear.
Reverend Magdalen is a lot more than just stupid tweets. AnonymousIRC isn’t.
This man is our IDOL!!!!
Finally, we have ignited Helter Skelter. Our inflammatory and hateful divisive attacks on black celebrities have brought about a race war of trolling never seen even on 4chan. Welcome to a NEW LOW, Internet! And each day, hundreds of thousands of you fools swarm upon the simulated death of your beloved AKON, LIL WAYNE, or WHITNEY HOUSTON, but NEVER Kanye West. We MAKE SO MUCH DAMN MONEY DOING THIS! Thems Chronicle boys’ a’paid by the government, I tells ya!'”
Yes, we knew it would come to this from the very first day the Internet Chronicle was founded. HELTER SKELTER! FINALLY!!!!
Charles Masnon was just another LULZ extremist just like us. Lulz! LUzl1! WE gonna hack your brains n’ control you litle fuxors ta DDoS teh Government!!!!
I wrote a letter to Charles Manson and asked him the best way to control people, and he said “It’s the Internet, dummy,” so I fed the internet a continuous dose of LSD. And lies.
Now the entire Internet is eating out of my hands, scrambling desperately for my sweet nectar of explanation. None of this makes sense, Anonymous is just destroying human rights. The 9/11 truthers are killing my GOD DAMN anti-war movement with their POISONOUS double false flag conspiracy.
God Damn America!
Rest in Pain, Andrew Breitbart!
Have an eternally dry cock, Rush Limbaugh!
GO TO HELL, ANONYMOUS!
TAKE YOUR “PEACE” AND SHOVE IT, OCCUPY!!!!!
WE GOT A FULL ON RACE WAR A BREWIN’
WE ARE THE INCITERS
WE STARTED IT
IT WILL NEVER END!!!!!!!!!11111!!1
WE’ve GOT PURE RACISM!
DEATH RAPE GORE PORN HELL MMORPG!!!!!
+33hp Heart Eat Regeneration Spell
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On Friday, I obtained a digital copy of the Book of the SubGenius. I noticed, upon completion of the download, a definite increase in the computer’s performance. The dark spots in my monitor became the deep black of a $10,000 OLED display, providing me with infinite contrast. I knew this was some serious magick, the binary equivalent of a fullblooded Yeti’s DNA… or possibly the grocery list of “Bob.” I read the entire damn thing in one sitting, sucked into a tunnel-vision vortex which was, looking back, definitely my own subconscious practicing time control.
After reading the Book of the SubGenius, a giddying amount of Slack straight from “Bob” seemed to flow from my fingertips. My life finally had the importance which I had always programmed myself to ignore as some kind of delusion! Ah, but as I pulled the wool over my own eyes, rather than over the eyes of others, I saw, I mean really saw, for the first time in probably at least FIFTEEN lifetimes.
But the seriousness, the grave consequences, had not yet occurred to me. Even now, I’m writing this at extreme danger to my own personal well-being. Under the influence of way too much Slack, I told a Pink about my life-changing experience with “Bob.” BIG MISTAKE! I can’t pretend to know how the Conspiracy works, but I will tell you it works FAST. Pinks who had no way of knowing I had ever uttered the name of “Bob” were hitting me with thinly-veiled anti-SubGenius messages from every direction. These Pinks smelled the emanations of Slack and wanted it all for themselves. Oh, the shit Pinks say when they think they can get a little slack off you.
“Oh, you’re joining a church?”
“Yeah, I’ve listened to DEVO before, too.”
“Aren’t you taking this joke a little seriously?”
“Don’t lose your journalistic OBJECTIVITY to this religion!”
Thank “Bob,” I have been ARMED TO THE TEETH with weapons to fight the Conspiracy, and I knew these attempts to drain away my Slack would come sometime. However, it was shocking how quickly and efficiently the Con caught on to me. It is a testament to how hungry Pinkboys are for Slack.
This "jpeg" actually "lured" me into a dangerous "cult"
Now, I will admit that I probably wouldn’t know about the SubGenius Church if it wasn’t for Reverend Magdalen, but the Con has worked up all sorts of strange ideas about her brainwashing me with sex. Some have even said I’m in love with her, or that she’s my muse! Well, as preposterous and PINK as these theories are, I will admit that any SubGenius is naturally going to be infinitely more lovable and overflow with more creativity than any Pink. But holy hell! Have you read how Magdalen fought tooth and nail to protect her family, as the entire might of the Conspiracy tried and failed to beat all the Slack and SubGenius out of her!? Obviously, these Pinks are projecting their own deeply suppressed feelings for Magdalen onto myself, but hey, Pinks will do that. And anyway, I guess I can’t really blame them.
“Hmmmm, I am worried about you Billy Goat….I could hear you breathing hard on the show, I guess you were sexting with Rev.M, and there is nothing wrong with that I suppose but sex and cults is a dangerous mix…just sayin’. I had not looked at your time in long time till last weekend and my women’s intuition told these two must be mind/cyberfucking. Yes it looks that obvious…”
Even now, the shocking power and blinding speed of the Conspiracy reveals itself, e-mailing me messages of how “obvious” my “cyberfucking” with Reverend Magdalen has become. And before I even published the “refutation!”
The Slack generated just by writing this will probably draw the Conspiracy Pinks even closer, if that is possible, but in the words of J.R. “Bob” Dobbs, “Give me Slack or KILL ME!”
Wind Turbines can catch fire and kill all the ULTRA RARE piratebush found ONLY on Poor Mountain
I knew Old Man Charlie from the days of my youth on Poor Mountain. That old man mostly kept to himself, but when I’d see him walking around on the mountain, he’d talk my ear off. Charlie told a lot of stories, but the ones that always got him worked up the most were the stories of what he called “dem saclones.” Charlie spent a lot of time walking the ridge of Poor Mountain, just to pass the time, but I always liked to ask him about dem saclones.
From what the old man told me, I gathered that he had been experiencing some kind of ultra-rare meteorological phenomenon that may be unique to Poor Mountain. It’s hard for me to go into any detail, but Charlie described clouds quickly forming very close to the ground, twisting like a cyclone. Within the course of a few minutes, an extremely small area would be pelted with up to quarter-sized hail. Sometimes the hail would be smaller, and the affected area could be as large as a house or as small as a frisbee.
Honestly, I never believed that old man. After he died, I wondered a little about Charlie’s stories and eventually researched some information on the internet. I learned that it’s possible “dem saclones” were also called Microstorms. No one on the internet seemed to have seen these vicious kind of tornadic hail Microstorms, and I tried contacting a few meteorologists. None of them seemed to believe the stories from Charlie, and just said that Microstorms were not proven science. However, Poor Mountain surely has great importance as a possible meteorological oddity.
Poor Mountain is located in Roanoke, Virginia, and is currently under threat of industrial development for wind power. Help us, Anonymous. Hack our government into submission for Old Man Charlie and his crazy cyclones. They’re probably real, and when those wind turbines go up, the Microstorms may disappear forever. Have you ever seen what happens when a wind turbine gets pelted with an intense cyclone full of quarter-size hail? Mayhem. Pure mayhem is coming to Poor Mountain if this wind farm is approved. STOP THEM NOW.