SIBERIA– Igor Ivanov took first place after his only surviving opponent took his own life during the hotly anticipated Siberian Open Russian Roulette Tourney ’14. The to-be annual championship is held at the prestigious abandoned number station south of Kayerkan Кайеркан.
Event coordinators came up with the idea when desperate athletes, eager for drink and a little potato money, clamored for the opportunity to flirt with suicide in exchange for airplane fuel, which the men drink and use to get drunk and high, or “crunk” as it is understood in the Decadent West. The rise of the sport coincides with the hopeless fall of the Russian ruble, as Putin promises to track down and execute speculators.
“Man lay gun at table before me,” Ivanov, 46, recounted. “He spin revolver, put gun in mouth, squeeze eyes shut tight, squeeze trigger. I win!”
The body of 28-year-old Vsevolod Alliluyev was unceremoniously deposited into a tiger’s cage, where no one stayed to watch the thin, starving animal consume his remains.
Alliluyev, an out-of-work fisherman from Irkutsk, was no man’s friend, according to Yannick Jacobs, who organized the suicidal bloodbath.
“He drifted in from somewhere, I don’t know,” Jacobs said. “He smelled like urine but he had a few rubles – which, as you know, are just about worthless right now – so I told him as long as he used his own bullets, he could play.”
Jacobs said it just so happened Alliluyev carried his own small supply of .44 magnum bullets, should such an opportunity arise.
“They were his fortune,” Jacobs said. “He was worth more in bullets than anything else, because life is cheap in Russia. We are animals huddled against our own dead, trying to keep warm.”
Ivanov said he is happy to receive his meager winnings: a ration of airplane fuel and Alliluyev’s remaining bullets.
“I will live to see another horrifying day at the hands of this Russian mafia,” he said. “Today is good day in Russia. Praise Putin! May he reign eternally!”
Ivanov will move on to the finals Sunday where he alone will play before a crowd of at least two dozen people, using a fully loaded revolver. If he wins the next round, he will ascend to the rank of regional god-king, and take his throne next to Soviet Tsar Vladimir Putin.
“All god-kings are made this way,” Jacobs said.
Viewers using DSL internet (or faster), can click the play button below to hear the official announcement declaring Ivanov the winner.
Look! Look! You’re on the Drone Cam! — The 2014 World Cup will feature Drone Cam for the first time ever.
Officials behind the 2014 World Cup said they have deployed the most extensive security apparatus ever to create what is anticipated to be the safest, most patriotic gaming event in the history of sport.
American robots will monitor the ground while Israeli drones patrol the skies over the Confederations Cup football (soccer) tournament in what’s being called a “dry run,” by security officials, before the World Cup next year.
The unmanned aircraft feature thermal cameras that can see through walls and clothing to scan individuals concealing bombs strapped around their bodies.
Other security measures listed for testing are flyovers by Air Force fighter jets equipped with surveillance equipment.
Thousands of extra troops are being brought in to patrol the stadiums used for the Confederations Cup, to create a family-friendly atmosphere of rigidity and stringent control.
Experts, however, believe visitors will be immediately vulnerable to street crime once they stray from tightly secured areas because the local police force is being pulled from street duty to satisfy the public’s undying urge to see shiny riot shields and paramilitary crowd control gear.
“We are strongly concerned with ensuring safety and security to all our athletes, tourists, heads of state and delegations,” Sports Minister Aldo Rebelo told reporters on a conference call last week. The call is now known to have been monitored by the National Security Agency, an ironic and horrifying security breach.
At least 45,000 personnel will be deployed to all the events leading up to the World Cup in Brazil, meaning one guard will be assigned to every 50 spectators of the matches. In addition to 3,500 military police officers, security forces will also include a battalion of riot police with two armored vehicles, a canine unit of sniffer dogs trained to detect drugs and explosives as well as eight fucking sharpshooters, said Fabio Pizetta, the head of Brazilia’s riot police division.
No facts from this story were fabricated for hyperbolic effect.
This message brought to you surreptitiously by Lebal Drocer, Inc.
We own every god damn thing you see.
PHNOM PENH, Cambodia – At least 23 slave laborers were disciplined with cattle prods Monday when Cambodian police were called in to end a pay protest at a Nike sweatshop.
Police with riot gear were deployed to move about 3,000 female workers who had blocked a road leading to the factory.
Nike, along with corporations such as H&M, Walmart and Forever 21, have been criticized for moving plant locations when the cost of local exploitation became too high for shrewd and careful shareholders.
Plants might leave a country because its weak government cannot withstand the social pressures of a nationwide call for minimum wage hikes. When a worker stands to make $88 per month making thousands of pairs of $100 Nikes per day, and the government is no longer able to accept bribes from the corporations to halt social progress, the factories move out.
Look, I know you news writers wanna help, but these people aren’t like you and me. They’re used to being treated like shit.
“These dumbass slaves who think they can squeeze more than they deserve out of their corporate masters are gonna be sorry once they finally run ’em out of here,” said Raleigh Saker, Lebal Drocer spokesperson. “Who’s gonna feed ya gruel then? Fuckin’ savages.” Saker admitted he questions why his company chose Cambodia in the first place: “Look, they don’t even wear shoes. You think they know anything about sewing them?”
Eighty-eight dollars, Saker said, is “absurdly high” for people living in corrugated sheet metal housing with dirt floors.
“It’s lavish,” he said. “They won’t know what to do with all that money. They might could even hurt themselves. It’s for their own good, really.”
In other news, a ceiling collapsed on several Cambodian workers this month, killing two of them like rats crushed by a rotting ship cabin floor. They were putting together a high-quality pair of Asics running shoes. Asics allow you to run fast, trampling human rights with ease.
Authorities declined to comment on the clash, saying they were still counting bribe money. A press release stated the stack of money was “so large” they were considering hiring sweatshop labor to help count the currency, which “just kept coming in.”
College basketball player Kevin Ware’s leg was fractured by the Illuminati, Sunday.
LOUSIVILLE — Kevin Ware, basketball player for the Lousiville Cardinals, suffered a brutal leg injury at the hands of fiendish Illuminati players from Duke. Diving to block a shot and influenced by some kind of witchcraft, Ware landed badly and his leg shattered at the shin.
Doctors say it will take at least 10 years to heal, and Ware’s career in basketball is practically over forever. Louisville has recently surprised fans by winning against high-powered teams like Duke, who are commonly believed to have ties to the Illuminati.
Ware, when interviewed by deceased journalist Frank Mason, said, “Man, fuck the Illuminati. I’ma get me some real doctors down in Cuba and be back ballin’ in no time.”
Beyoncé’s tragic suicide came as a shock to fans around the world.
HOUSTON — Fans mourn the loss of Beyoncé Giselle Knowles-Carter after a series of high-profile public embarrassments. Sunday, some fans blamed a blackout during the Super Bowl on Beyoncé’s extravagant halftime show, which featured the world’s biggest neon lights shaped like Beyoncé’s face. This comes on the heels of allegations Beyoncé lip-synced “The Star Spangled Banner” at President Barack Obama’s inauguration.
Police investigators confirm early reports the suicide was an intentional overdose on Diazepam, a medication Beyoncé took to ease her fits of manic depression. Her physician, Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, attributed the fits to “stress related to identity issues.”
Beyoncé’s estate has been transferred to her surviving husband, Jay-Z, who did not return several badgering messages left by Chief Editor of The Internet Chronicle, Raghubir Goyal.
Firstly, I would like to admit that I am a true believer in David Icke’s reptilian theory. However, as time has passed, I’ve realized that Icke’s increasingly influenced by the very reptilians he believes he is fighting.
David Icke’s visual frequency is not attenuated to his own image; hence, he is unable to realize he is himself a reptilian. Theorists have speculated that Icke’s proven status as a reptilian is in fact a false-flag theory proposed by the reptilians to discredit him. This, of course, is a naive assumption buttressed only by a cult-like admiration for Icke’s manipulative, charismatic and altogether reptilian personality.
Just beyond the thin veneer of Icke’s friendly exterior lies an emotionless obsession for control of others — the trademark of a reptilian. The cold stare in his eyes is an experience many have recounted upon close contact with his piercing and otherworldly gaze. He has absolutely no empathy for those he preaches to, and the ridiculous way he treats the reptilian threat is a classic example of hidden-in-plain-sight strategy. The saddest part of it all is that he, himself, does not — cannot–recognize his own reptilian nature.
On an interstitial plane between dimensions, the reptilians effectively have hidden their agenda through the vessel of Mr. Icke. As with others manipulated by this agenda, Mr. Icke himself is totally unaware of the possessors tainting his bloodline. His manipulative and viral reptilian fear, which he has made millions of dollars promoting, is precisely the favored tactic of the reptilians he so often rails against.
In essence, when one is afraid of the reptilians, they increasingly fall under the power of these Masonic Illuminati forces that permeate our corrupted bloodlines — perhaps our ape ancestors interbred with snakes, as hinted at in the biblical tale of Adam and Eve. No one has blood that is “clean” of reptilian influence, and the fear that has taken its grip on David Icke is proof that he, more than anyone else, is suffering from the pervasive and menacing power of reptilians.
Aurora, Colo. – Derek R. Anderson took the lead for top najjace during Monday’s Gvoš na travi preliminary tryouts during which Ivan Ignoarabitch pulled a hamstring doing the Gvoš na dance, as is customary when playing the goalie position at any field outside the nation of Latvia. The practice of dancing during away matches is intended to shame the home team, but really looks quite silly, as Anderson demonstrates throughout the footage below.
Friday night’s match-up between Encyclopedia Dramatica and Oh! Internet is sure to be dead in the water, as no one is likely to attend either website, ditching them in favor of the legendary chronicle.su, who is a pretty cool guy, and doesn’t afraid of anything.
We win at pretty much everything, even Gvoš na travi, which we don’t play because that sport is for faggots.
In a damaging blow to what might have otherwise been a fruitful trolling endeavor, chronicle.su editor Kilgore Trout trolled his own news agency by warning would-be writing contest participants that the whole thing is an utter scam. Terrible author Frank Mason countered with undue name-calling followed by a dense string of offline gravity bong hits to the face.
“It was worse than anything I’ve ever seen,” said a frowning Joanna Mason, Frank’s mother in Fairfax, Virginia. “He was so high. So happy.”
Mason was not available to comment but wrote Saturday, “I don’t give a flying fuck what you say, it’s going to be really funny when someone tries to write another unintelligible centerpiece about an orgy of world leaders atop President Obama’s stinky sock collection. Rooting around in his dirty fucking socks, Bill.”
The writing contest would have entrants reporting on an alleged plethora of simultaneous sex acts, all taking place on a pile of unwashed clothes previously worn by the President during the exact moment in which he lied to American citizens. “But beyond that,” Mason clarified, “You are free to write anything you wish, adding what you like.”
Frank Mason, terrible author
Trout’s white knight leak is an attempt to limit the overall “collateral damage” of chronicle.su as she recklessly tears through the internet in the name of good comedy, lest she incur yet another case in a myriad of legal axes threatening to drop. By calling attention to Mason’s attempt at baiting bad writers into ridicule, Trout may possibly have prevented another lawsuit.
“Mason maintains all the ethical practices of a trapdoor spider,” he explained. “Oh, he’s a charming young man. Sure. And he’s good at videogames. But he is ugly inside. Inside, Frank is a venomous snake.”
Mason conceded, “At any moment, authorities could intervene . . . and the next thing you know we’re embroiled in a seven year legal battle with someone over use of . . . his face on the end of a penis.” Frank put one hand on his forehead, and looked up at the ceiling. For almost a minute, Mason posed in the lamplight, thinking. At last, he finally said, “Maybe we should just say somebody died. Somebody white this time.”
As of Saturday evening, participation in Mason’s contest is virtually nonexistent.
Brian Wilson's powerful glare caused Obama to lose control of his prostate, leaving his pants full of a mixture of semen and urine.
President Barack Obama met the freakiest team in baseball yesterday as he feted the San Francisco Giants for their stunning World Series win during an awkward gala in Washington.
The Giants — known for their money, success, fame, glamor, and extreme homosexuality — marched into the East Room of the White House and shook hands with the puzzled commander in chief.
‘Then there’s the guy with the beard,’ Obama quipped as he nodded to star relief pitcher Brian Wilson and his bushy, foot-long-long whiskers and Mohawk haircut.
‘Underneath Brian’s beard, and the Spandex tuxedo and the sea captain costume and the cleats with his face on them, is also one of the most dominant lovers on the face of the planet. He gave me the high heater, you know what I mean?’
Wilson’s beard so delighted Giants fans during last year’s championship games, that as his pitches stymied the Texas Rangers, they chanted ‘Fear the Beard!’ – a slogan Obama paid tribute to.
‘I do fear it,” the president deadpanned. ‘I fear the snake in his pants more, to be honest.’
Also on hand was Giants legend Willie Mays, who Obama noted was just a 23-year-old outfielder when the Giants last won the World Series in 1954, still a New York team at the time.
Obama recalled Mays flying on Air Force One as they flew to the 2009 All-Star Game, with Mays on the flight as Obama’s guest. ‘I sat on Willie’s lap for most the flight. He has amazing genitalia.’
‘It was an extraordinary trip. Very rarely when I’m on Air Force One am I the second most impotent guy on there. Everybody was just passing me by [and gushing], ‘Can I get you something, Mr. Mays? A blow job? Rim job? hand job?’’
Next, Obama smoked a fat blunt with razor-thin pitcher Tim Lincecum, also known as ‘The Freak’ and ‘Big Time Timmy Jim’ for his shaved balls that whiz past hapless fappers.
‘America learned sometimes it’s a good idea to bet on the skinny guy with the deceptively large testicles, so you and me,’ the president told Lincecum.
‘The Giants may be a little different,’ Obama added, but ‘one thing they know is how to perform proper fellatio … They are characters with character.’
The team presented Obama – an avid baseball fan – with an autographed No. 44 Giants jersey and a team buttplug.
‘I want to wish the [Giants] luck the rest of the season, unless the White Sox are in the Series,’’ said Obama, a lifelong Sox fanatic.
Yao Ming (center) pretends to be bothered so he doesn't look like such a quitter.
Chinese athlete Yao Ming announced his retirement from the NBA Wednesday at the premature age of 31.
Yao’s success made him an international superstar and expanded the National Basketball Association’s fan base into China and other parts of Asia where enjoyment of sports is still prohibited.
Yao was big into the Olympics and shit. He carried the Chinese flag at the opening ceremony of the 2004 Athens Olympics and that pissed off a lot of Greek people but their gods didn’t help them or anything. Still, Yao Ming sucked at life so he sprained his ankle while proving he could scale entire neighborhoods around historic Athens. Serves him right for showing off. What a dick.
Yao Ming was "tall as a bitch" and became Internet-famous for not giving a fuck.
At the start of the 2008 Beijing Olympics, Yao carried the Olympic torch through Tiananmen Square and the Chinese flag during the opening ceremonies, before being gunned down by riot police and then his legs were run over by tanks. This caused Ming to miss hundreds of games, sitting out on the entire 2009-10 season.
He told reporters the last six months have been “an agonizing wait” as he pondered his basketball future under the weight of a half-million troops marching over his crumpled torso.
The Houston Rockets’ coach Rick Adelman said while Ming was a valuable player, leading the Rockets into four post-season playoff appearances and making the All-Star team eight times, he is still pretty glad he’s gone. “Everybody can stop walking around like there’s a four-foot pole lodged up their asses,” Adelman said.
“We had to walk around like we was holdin’ a turd in,” said Rockets Point Guard Marcus Greene, lighting a Newport. “Shit. That slope even made the niggas look short.”
Ming’s retirement is generally regarded as a good thing, even by his disappointed family, because he cried like the bitch quitter he is in front of lots of people.