Yao Ming (center) pretends to be bothered so he doesn't look like such a quitter.
Chinese athlete Yao Ming announced his retirement from the NBA Wednesday at the premature age of 31.
Yao’s success made him an international superstar and expanded the National Basketball Association’s fan base into China and other parts of Asia where enjoyment of sports is still prohibited.
Yao was big into the Olympics and shit. He carried the Chinese flag at the opening ceremony of the 2004 Athens Olympics and that pissed off a lot of Greek people but their gods didn’t help them or anything. Still, Yao Ming sucked at life so he sprained his ankle while proving he could scale entire neighborhoods around historic Athens. Serves him right for showing off. What a dick.
Yao Ming was "tall as a bitch" and became Internet-famous for not giving a fuck.
At the start of the 2008 Beijing Olympics, Yao carried the Olympic torch through Tiananmen Square and the Chinese flag during the opening ceremonies, before being gunned down by riot police and then his legs were run over by tanks. This caused Ming to miss hundreds of games, sitting out on the entire 2009-10 season.
He told reporters the last six months have been “an agonizing wait” as he pondered his basketball future under the weight of a half-million troops marching over his crumpled torso.
The Houston Rockets’ coach Rick Adelman said while Ming was a valuable player, leading the Rockets into four post-season playoff appearances and making the All-Star team eight times, he is still pretty glad he’s gone. “Everybody can stop walking around like there’s a four-foot pole lodged up their asses,” Adelman said.
“We had to walk around like we was holdin’ a turd in,” said Rockets Point Guard Marcus Greene, lighting a Newport. “Shit. That slope even made the niggas look short.”
Ming’s retirement is generally regarded as a good thing, even by his disappointed family, because he cried like the bitch quitter he is in front of lots of people.
The early stages of radiation insanity taking hold.
In the months following the Fukushimi Daiichi disaster, a thick layer of invisible radiation began to affect the minds of the people of Australia. The so-called “internet meme” of planking is a Psy-Op misinformation campaign to neutralize evidence of irradiated minds of millions. It is also an extreme sport.
As people are drawn into the vicious cycle of photographing increasingly extreme planking, they begin to engage in suicidal behavior. The meaning behind a million views on the internet is, in many cases, greater than the planker’s mortality.
Do not attempt extreme planking without proper training.
Planking reveals the unconscious desire for an early death. With its first death in the news, planking will become a worldwide obsession as the radiation eats our brains. The most extreme sport of all time: assuming the position of a corpse in increasingly more dangerous places. Acton Beale, the first death of the sport, is a legend whose courageous planking will be remembered forever.
Meanwhile, the government of Australia has condemned planking. Following the suit of New Zealand, Australia plans to enact legislation that will force internet surveillance on all planking activity. It also allows the government of Australia to spy on anyone who posts a picture containing a body in a “mostly rigid” posture.
RIP, Acton Beale
Acton Beale’s final planking stunt was closed-casket, so as not to encourage more planking. However, his funeral was not devoid of planking. For the first time in history, a gravestone was planked.
Such extreme planking is dangerous not only to the planker, but the motorists beneath.
Since the death of Beale, Planking has reached dangerous new heights. Some plankers have taken to planking over interstates, and crocodile pits. Some have taken to planking on increasingly sharp surfaces in increasingly effective attempts at impaling themselves. Planking while drunk or on drugs provides a great rush, as well as planking on railroad tracks. Certainly, planking is the world’s fastest growing extreme sport. The limits of planking have not yet been imagined.
It was a dry day on the motherboard when Frosty, the malignant wizard of the west coast appeared with Magic: The Gathering cards of wisdom.
He opened his robe methodically revealing full frontal nudity to the Elves. He showed them there is no way other than his own, as he exposed his mechanical penis which unfurled into a tentacle hose and proceeded to fuck the nearest child-elf from where he stood.
Pneumatically, he pumped and surged his pulsating hentai-cock of hate into the elf as he realized its striking resemblance to himself. Actually, it was his daughter.
For Frosty hath fucked more than a handful of elves on a drunken night out, in the days of Elven Wax and cloven hooves which stamped upon the two-sided face of liberty under a downpour of alcohol, bile and piss. Yes, beneath many moons, he did rape religiously.
Tossing his daughter to the ground, Frosty was no longer thirsty for sexual assault.
He then proceeded to peddle worthless Magic cards to the bustling Elf community, among whom he is still revered to this day for his propensity to give away too many free cards, even in spite of his bottomless hunger for rape, which seemed to never end.
“Fwosty,” a small boy tugged at his robe. “Fwosty, won’t you sing fow us?”
Frosty was a magical singer but today he was in no mood. He handed him a Black Lotus without telling him it was fake. The boy was ecstatic and immediately went home to finger his sister in celebratory ecstasy.
Just at that moment, Frosty began to feel disgust with his life of trading card games and unabashed rape. His cock formed into a pistol and reeled out of his tan Big Lebowski robe to jam itself instinctively into his mouth. Being unlike any normal gun, Frosty the Wizard performed autofellatio in the town square for at least 45 minutes, before townsmen arrived, with the jesters and even the Elf King and Queen who all received news of a powerful wizard giving himself a blowjob, sucking what appeared to be a .45 calibur handgun.
He ejaculated a three-round burst of gunfire into his own brainstem and was promptly cleaned up by Waste Management, who exist on the Internet, too.
Nashville, Tenn.–An area Titans fan made headlines Sunday when he held up a sign reading “Jacob Tamme is a tight pussy” at a home game against the Indianapolis Colts in LP Field.
Jacob Tamme plays tight end for the Indianapolis Colts, and rejects all assertions that he is a human vagina “of any elasticity or resistance.”
Harold Buckhauer, 30, held the sign up high for at least three hours, chanting the slogan. He was beloved by his neighboring spectators, and even hailed as a hero by one man who said he believes Buckhauer’s message “needed to be said.” The man reportedly purchased Buckhauer three beers to provoke more outlandish drunken behavior, such as singing with one foot up on the back of the chair in front of him, a claim he denies.
Language scholars have jumped on the sensation to condemn the Tennessee Titans enthusiast for his gross lack of punctuation that leaders claim “contradicts” the presentation of the man’s clever idea in the context of his drunkenly-constructed sign.
Buckhauer, a plumber of 10 years’ experience, defended himself, saying, “I once punctuated a whole sentence,” but intimated his distrust of “funny” characters on a page, saying he doesn’t know why it exists anyway.
“Harold-Hymen ain’t never used no hyphen.”
When questioned about a rare, documented instance where Buckhauer attempted punctuation, he failed to recall whether it was a period or an exclamation mark he used, because memory of his mistake was immediately overshadowed by the “distinct” memory of his friends using a rhyming female anatomical word to describe him as “Harold-Hymen, who ain’t never used no hyphen.”
A string of Google searches reveals the “punctuation” to which Buckhauer referred was used on a wrestling forum, and was not punctuation at all, but capitalization. In 2009, Buckhauer wrote, “batista is purdy good but he aint gt shit on the Edge”
Cecil Dillard, pastor of Midrow Baptist Church defended Harold Buckhauer’s lifestyle, devoid of punctuation, saying, “Harry’s a trustworthy, God-fearing American who don’t need no punctuation because it ain’t holy. Punctuation is misleading, saying things that letters don’t. Now do you want your kids to read punctuation, or do you want ’em reading the truth?” he asked, tapping the Bible.
This message is brought to you by Lebal Drocer, and:
“Now do you want your kids to read punctuation, or do you want ’em reading the truth?”
In March 2010, after a pit bull from Bad Newz Kennels lost in a fight, it said Peace consulted with Vick about the losing dog’s condition, then executed it by wetting it with water and electrocuting it; it was later revealed the dog’s name was Hitler. • In March 2009, after two Bad Newz Kennels dog lost fights to dogs owned by a cooperating witness, it alleged that Vick retrieved a bag containing $23,000 worth of cocaine and gave it to the owner of the winning dogs. One of the fights had a $20,000 purse; that’s a whole shit of money for killing some dogs! • In the fall of 2009, a person witnessing a dog fight involving one of the dogs trained by Bad Newz Kennels incurred the ire of another cooperating witness by yelling out Vick’s name in front of the crowd during the fight. Oops! It also said that after establishing Bad Newz Kennels in early 2010, Vick and the others obtained shirts and headbands promoting their affiliation with the kennel. After a police raid on the property in April, Vick said he was rarely at the house, had no idea it may have been used in a criminal enterprise. Of course, that is a lie but that is why it’s presented here. He blamed family members for taking advantage of his generosity, saying handjobs between males should be a “reciprocal experience.” On Vick’s Web site, he lists his birthplace as Newport News, “a.k.a. BadNews.” Terrible name, unless you’re talking about TV News. Purses for the fights ranged from hundreds of dollars to the thousands, and participants and spectators placed side bets, the document said. Local authorities have been investigating the allegations since the April 25 drug raid at the property Vick owned. On December 30, officials with the Department of Agriculture executed their own search warrant and found the remains of seven dogs. Surry County prosecutor Gerald G. Poindexter said he didn’t know of the indictment before it was filed, and said he’s not sure how the county will continue its case, but reassured reporters it “will certainly be inefficient.” At the start, authorities seized 66 dogs, including 55 pit bulls, and equipment commonly used in dogfighting, including Scooby Snacks.
About half the dogs were tethered to car axles with heavy chains that allowed the dogs to get close to each other, but not to have contact — an arrangement typical for fighting dogs, according to the search warrant affidavit. The indictment said dogfights were held at the Virginia property and dog owners brought animals from six states, including New York and Toledo. In a search warrant executed December 30, the government said the fights usually occurred late at night or in the early morning and would last several hours. Before fights, participating dogs of the same sex would be weighed and bathed, according to the filings. Opposing dogs would be washed to remove any poison or narcotic placed on the dog’s coat that could affect the other dog’s performance. Sometimes, dogs weren’t fed to “make it more hungry for the other dog,” it said. A similar approach is being considered for use on Jay Leno.
Two enterprising young lads set out to entertain and motivate a generation of apathetic youth in the series premiere of the newest addition to FOX network’s Fall lineup, the Chuck Whitman Chronicle Show.
In this leaked trailer, viewers discover the impetus of the new FOX program: to answer the question, “What would Charles Whitman do?”
Backlash against the program stems from Austin, Texas residents who say the show depicts “fun on a level that is inordinate,” according to one student at the University of Texas at Austin. She requested anonymity, so we probably won’t publish her name until sometime after this story blows over.
The men in the video are believed by The Elf Wax Center for Serial Killer Analysis to be affiliated with FOX News, and connected to Ramiro Martinez, Texas Ranger.
Whatever. This story is dumb. Enjoy your senseless violence, assholes.
Mayor Jones is seen here applying force on two reluctant boys' pressure-points
Richmond, VA–Mayor Dwight C. Jones (Mister C.) allegedly forced two children to duel for their lives Monday following their “art” submissions to a new program intended to renew inner-city schools by funneling coke money into Jones’ own pockets.
“None of this would have happened if art wasn’t allowed in school,” said the losing victim’s mother Courtney Harris. “I have never felt so ashamed,” she confessed, “until I realized my son is a dead loser.” Ms. Harris later indicated she is “glad” her son is dead, a shift in opinion analysts say is “notable.”
Dwight Jones made no comment about the duel, citing federal gag-orders due to unpaid gambling debts to crack dealers in Jackson Ward, but he did have this to say:
“I have always felt that art in public schools is a waste of money on kids who are inherently talentless but are, as I have proven – better fighters; at least – half of them are.”
“Who knows about the dead?” he quipped.
Who knows, indeed? Richmonders are in an uproar over the whereabouts of the dead child’s body, who can not be named, due not to legal implications but to the fact that authorities have been unable to locate either the whorehouse to which the boy’s mother supposedly belongs, or any records on the child who authorities now believe was born “under the radar.” City officials said due to the loser’s mom being a straight-up crack-whore, no father can possibly be determined. So far, paternity tests have narrowed the possible fathers down to a short list of five men who share the GCG, or Gary Coleman Gene. But their semen is allegedly so polluted with King Cobra malt liquor that no testing machine can solve the “Riddle of the Richmond Ghetto.”
“I hate children, and I support Mayor Jones’ decision to enslave them for use in his personal gambling dens. I wish they’d all die, or at least be forced to do other violent things, like fight in wars.”
The boy’s severely-battered corpse is thought to be somewhere in the James River, a popular dump-point used by the holographic chemical plant Allied Chemical, the shell of a company who once allied with Capitalism to dump kepone, a popular ‘cool’cinogen used in roach poison, into the James River, which consequently flowed straight into the kepone-intolerant nervous systems of many workers in Hopewell – a move Mayor Jones applauds enthusiastically as the James River’s claim to fame. The forty-year poisoning of Hopewell factory workers marks the country’s first environmental disaster that would later give rise to unprecedented shirking of responsibility employed by corporate entities across America.
In the eclipse of U.S. President and War Strategist Barack Obama’s Nobel Peace Prize, Mayor Jones finds little reason to carry out a search for the boy, especially given his intimate, but silent knowledge of the child’s do-doubt gruesome fate which Jones’ publicists said “might spoil the endorsement.” Inside sources say the mayor had the boy contaminated with several carcinogenic compounds that would ferry their way via his body to South Carolina lowlands, where the child will cause countless still-births and unexplainable cancers.
No one from the school board or any of the childrens’ teachers were immediately available for comment. This is due in part to the fact that people in the ghetto are constantly avoiding bill-collectors, so they don’t answer the phone for any unfamiliar number.
More to come on this, as Mayor Jones’ indictment goes awry in the second part of our wacky, cocaine-powdered adventure of “Richmond Mayor – druglord to the bitter end.”
Today, Call of Duty 4 took a tragic and deadly turn for the worse after SmokeyMcBong420 and PwnasaurusDeth traded insults over their PlayStation 3 headsets. Several eyewitnesses have independently confirmed that Pwnasaurus claimed to have lost a match due only to lag, irritating SmokeyMcBong and forcing him to challenge Pwnasaurus to a real life duel. Tragically, Pwnasaurus revealed his address to Smokey, who turned out to live within one mile of his house. Pwnasaurus had nothing but a double-barrel shotgun to protect himself, and fought conservatively-remaining under cover until Smokey approached his range. Smokey, an avid Sniper in Call of Duty, armed himself with a scoped .22 caliber rifle, and scanned the street for Pwnasaurus from his roof. Pwnasaurus took 5 rounds to the head, none of which had the power to penetrate his skull. Despite his wounds, Pwnasaurus skillfully snuck behind yards and fences until he had fully flanked Pwnasaurus. With surprise and massive underestimation of his 12 gauge’s effective range, Pwnasaurus was able to blow the entire neck and head off of Smokey with the first blast, and both his legs with the second. Shortly thereafter, Pwnasaurus died of blood loss from his head wounds. Neither were able to respawn, but both scored +10, resulting in a tie game.
Lakeland, Florida—Six malcontent teenage girls became popular yesterday – as per their goal, when they were filmed beating up best friend Victoria Lindsay and the video was subsequently uploaded to YouTube, a popular video sharing website on the Internet, a series of tubes used to connect telecom customers to a World Wide Web of pornography and jailbait videos such as this one.
In the video they can be seen increasing in popularity because you’re watching it.The victim is seen being beaten, punched in the face and having her head slammed heavily into a wall, all the while whining, screaming and complaining in astonishment that people would rise to a challenge.
Since filming the video, the popularity of the high school girl who slammed the victim’s head into the wall has soared tremendously, and even though the girls responsible for face detail could not clearly be seen throughout the entirety of the production, three of them are alleged to have “made some more friends,” whereas the female holding the camera has since received little public recognition for the reason that her face is visible only to the imagination.Throughout the journalism community, she is hailed for her courage in the line of duty and some photojournalists are citing this camerawoman’s badge of honor in place of any superficial fame; however, she has already expressed that the sacrifice of her own popularity is “worth it” in light of the purportedly higher popularity ratio of her friends, and the nationwide attention her video has received.
“I consider it a sacrifice to a good cause,” the teenager, who can not be named for legal reasons (but will be anyway) shared in an Elf Waxclusive Interview.“A lot of people take film seriously,” April Cooper explains, “but I just like filmin’ people gettin’ beat up on.”The mother of 14-year-old April “Fool’s” Cooper (as she’s now known in juvenile hall) feels differently. Mrs. Cooper expressed deep regret for her daughter’s actions when she heard she was to be tried as an adult, yet would gain little to almost no popularity at school.“It’s a God [dam] disgrace to social injustice inAmerica,” the woman exclaimed from within the bowels of her inaccessible trailer.“My daughter’s the reason that little strumpet’s famous, why ain’t we gettin’ no [royalties]?”
Expert anal lists have pieced together this composite sketch of what the heroic April “Fool’s” Cooper is thought to look like:
Forensic scientists say the steady gaze of a seasoned eye accounts for April’s natural ability to videotape violence.
The six females had two potent young men standing look-out in the front yard, “in case any do-gooders showed up,” says Mercades Nichols, one of the popular girls who beat upVictoria.Some thoughtful sympathizers have been leaving funny messages on Ms. Nichols’ phone which then got into the hands of Greta Van Sustren, a common whore who out of pity was given a primetime TV show onFOXNews.Also, plans could be heard through two separate voicemails, in which each male could be heard offering his services as a front-door bouncer, as long as Mercades “put out” (at which point each man promised courteously to “pull out”) – oddly enough, the same favor was requested by both men, indicating a premeditated scheme of cocktease and manipulation leading up to their shared duty as bouncers at the front door of a house where a 16-year-old girl was getting her ass kicked.
“When I showed up at the house, and I saw Zach [Ashley] there, I flipped,” says one of the unidentified boys.His name could not be obtained because he was “about to have a conniption.”
Elf Wax Update: the boy’s name has been confirmed as Stephen Schumaker.
It is believed that the beatdown issued to Ms. Lindsay was not unprovoked, however.Now surfacing are claims of alleged “MySpace drama”, involving name-calling and accusations that the assailants are “bustas” – a word indicating they would not fight Lindsay because “they are too scared.”One of the bulletins read as follows:“NUH UH THEM BITCHES AINT NO WHAT IM ABOUT WHAT THEY GON DO?WHAT THEM BUSTAS GON DOCUZTHEM BITCHES AINT SHIT [but] MOTHAFUCKIN NIGGA-ASS HOS!”In the hospital,Victoriawithdrew her remarks, citing a concussion and disabled vision as reasons for her spineless backpeddling.It is categorically assumed then, that it was not such a wise idea to publicly call out some trashy white girls with something to prove, because according toFOXNews, “their skin might be white, but their soul is blacker than night.”
Elf Wax Update [Editor’s Edition]: Truth-Time, Dear Readers, I fabricated the ALL CAPS LOCK quote used in the previous paragraph because I did not think I would have access to a real quote like it. Note: I completely made it up.
Here is the actual quote, taken straight from Mercades’ myspace bulletin: “TO ALL OF YOU HATIN BITCH ASS NIGGAS SENDING ME BULLSHIT HATE MAIL…FUUUCK YOU. ILL BEAT YO ASS TO! BRING IT BITCHES DONT BE JUST SAYIN IT! AND IF YOU GOT SHIT TO SAY TO MY MOTHER THEN FUCKIN SAY IT TO HER. SHELL KICK YOUR ASS TO!” My sincerest apologies; I was so far off the mark on this one.
All eight adults involved are being charged with assault, false imprisonment, or both while the minors await juvenile sentencing.Top lawmakers are now calling for the establishment of an anti-MySpace-whoring motion in connection to an eHarassment and eBullying bill already passing through Congress.The victim is reportedly being harassed via telephone, MySpace, and emails; however, her father welcomes the attacks because he lives vicariously through his ‘ghettofied’ (street slang for darkening) daughter in the perverted, piss-soaked panty-sniffing nightmare that his life has become.