Trigger Warning: 2015 Black Friday Hategasm

Earth Day protest at VCU

The deals were in short supply this year, but the violence was not. For your hateful enjoyment, open an ice cold Coca-Cola and watch people behave like animals just hours after eating Thanksgiving dinner. Be sure to laugh at them, and judge, as if you aren’t just as bad as the rest of them.

Most of this shit is pulled straight from the PublicFreakout reddit frontpage.

Primer: Watch the first 5 minutes (or so) of the first video, to get a feel for how TV “news” treats our grotesque social disease. Then after that, just tear through the rest of them like early Christmas presents. You earned it.


https://youtu.be/BEuyiBZA0dA
https://youtu.be/ZuY_sYKbbek

This next one was tagged ‘fake’:



The phenomenon is spreading overseas. Welcome to the “first world,” Lahore!

Soda Shaq Drink Review Draws Praise From Dishonored Glenn Beck Camp and FOX News

Fox and Friends just about shit bricks.
Fox and Friends just about shit bricks.

INTERNET – The Associated Press is in a buzz over a controversial new review of Soda Shaq, the popular beverage that took the sugary drink market by storm over the summer. CNN called the video “reprehensible” while FOX News ran various clips from the 17 minute video on their morning show Fox And Friends, who praised the closing five minute reading of Glenn Beck’s bestselling classic The Overton Window.

Joey’s World Tour has yet to come forward with their promised shout out, but the undeniable fame of the second installment of The Internet Chronicle drink review of Vanilla Cream Soda Shaq is widely expected by critics to produce unique and satisfying results, including the possibility of a shout-out and Type II diabetes.

Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour recommends a tall can of Soda Shaq to assist in extended play throughs of the popular new murder simulator Grand Theft Auto V. “I’d even say that if you’re going to stay up all night checking in-game stocks, that you just have yourself a mini-fridge full of the shit,” Troubadour said. “It’s all natural, which, that’s just everything nowadays.”

SODA SHAQ VANILLA CREAM SODA REVIEWED

“I’m Dr. Troubadour, and I approve this website.”

Dr. Angstrom Troubadour

Dr. Angstrom H. Troubedaur
Real doctor

Dr. Troubadour is a real doctor committed to improving well-being and sense of self. Dr. Troubadour, who has your best interests in mind, does not want you to worry about the small stuff. He does not want your money. He just wants you to drink Soda Shaq and chill out, dude.

Dr. Troubadour has helped out on a lot of abortions and is usually pretty cool about it. He does not look his customers in the eye during the process, but sometimes it can’t be helped. He won’t tell your friends or family what you did, and he tries to keep it to himself.

Top 10 Norm Macdonald Stories Ever Told

Norm MacdonaldNorm Macdonald appeared recently on Conan O’Brien to tell the Moth joke. Not surprisingly, it made the reddit frontpage.

Norm is probably the funniest guy not on television. He was kicked off Saturday Night Live for not being funny enough (explained in a video below). Then, the show started to suck so they asked him to host it less than two years later.

He’s had a few shows get cancelled because he just doesn’t belong on TV, where everyone wants to make him do their thing. Truth is, Norm is as much a comedian as he is a storyteller. Here are some of his stories, starting with the moth joke which aired on Conan the other night.

The moth story

Norm’s Bob Uecker story

Norm makes light of Steve Irwin’s death

Norm tells a story about his dad catching him smoking weed

Norm riffs on racist remark by “Dog the Bounty Hunter” (audio)

Norm talks to Miller and Spade about George Michael getting caught having gay sex in a public bathroom

Norm tells his hypnotism story

Norm gets fired from SNL (audio)

And kicked out of NBC studios. He used to do Weekend Update, but they wanted it to suck so they fired him. Here’s Norm hosting the show less than two years later

Norm’s story about playing Scrabble with Harold Delaney from Vancouver

Norm tells the story behind legendary Bob Saget roast (audio)

Norm sums up what it’s like to write any kind of satire. This story reveals how Norm pioneered cyberbullying, the torch we carry today

Intelligent Life Discovered in Earth’s Mantle

CTHONOS, Pelopponesia — On the border of the Earth’s mantle and crust, NASA astrobiologists have discovered a civilization of beings that challenge both our conception of ‘life’ and of ‘intelligence.’ These beings, which defy all taxonomy, are fist-sized nodes of rapidly regenerating proteins that have only been observed in their natural environment, deep in the Earth’s crust. Each fist-sized “nodian,” as these creatures have been dubbed, appears to be as complex as the human brain at any given moment but changes its morphology so rapidly that scientists believe “nodians” are most likely far more complex.

The conditions where “nodians” survive are believed to be very common, and Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, leader of the Florida State University expedition, explained, “There is no doubt that the “nodians” are displaying signs of culture and specialization. By a very conservative estimate, their should be at least 50 billion “nodian” individuals, and we would be foolish to forget the numerous sightings of UFOs entering and exiting volcanoes, as well as USOs, which may enter and exit the crust through fissures in the sea floor.”

Actual Video Evidence of “Nodians” Entering and Exiting the Earth’s Crust:

Yet Again UFO Filmed, While Entering… by ufoblogger

ELFWAX affiliate unearthed after years of abuse

The following video was extracted from an archive of federal repossessions and returned the chronicle.su office late last year.

“Years of systematically abusing oneself while praying to Charles Manson leads a person to create music and imagery like this. And in one dark night, it can all disappear. With one murder, all your work can be lost forever, whether you meant to kill the guy or not.” – Ronald Reagan

The pretext for this video more or less implies that the video was released in order to meet serious market demand for distorted pornographic imagery interlaced with swastikas and pictures of world leaders being shredded apart while a man sings into a dildo-enhanced microphone. There is no turning back now. Your mind is on the drugs.

Melt the drug.