Andy Griffith reboot ‘modernized for digital audience’

It’s official: The hugely anticipated “Andy Griffith” is coming back, airing every Thursday night on NBC.

New Andy Griffith deploys modernized weaponry and rhetoric to reach "a fresh, young, and impressionable digital audience."
New Andy Griffith deploys modernized weaponry and rhetoric to reach “a fresh, young, and impressionable digital audience.”

CHRONICLE.SU editors were offered an exclusive first look at footage and scenes from the iconic show’s first new episode, including interviews with shady engineers who violated a nondisclosure agreement to work with us.

Even though the first episode of a four-season contract is already in post-production, details are scarce around the revival of America’s favorite 1960s TV show, which delivers poignant, picturesque, small town life in the Southeastern United States.

However, a boom mic operator who asked not to be named gave insight into plot points he observed while working on the set:

“In this episode, Barney forgets the startup procedure for the mine-resistant armored personnel carrier,” he said. “So he goes pushing all the buttons, but instead of turning on the MRAP, he discharges rocket-propelled teargas at a group of school kids on a field trip, leaving at least one child in critical condition. It’s classic Barney!”

The Internet Chronicle came into possession of a leaked script for the episode. An excerpt is seen below:

ANDY: Now, Barney, look. The media’s coming down on us like Aunt Bee’s homemade pie. Either you’re going to have to take a paid leave and get your head straight, or we’re gonna have to settle with that little blind girl’s parents. Why don’t you take a little time for yourself? Go down to the lake and cast you a line. You’ll feel better, and your job will be here when you get back. We’ll put Josh Holgrove on your beat until you get back.

BARNEY: Paid time Off? Josh HOLGROVE? I don’t know any Josh Holgrove, Andy, they all look the same to me.

ANDY: Now, Barney, aren’t you being a little reckless? Do you mean to tell me that YOU – a grown man, who can tie his tie, who can drive a car, who owns his own house – can’t tell the difference between individual members of this small town police force of 1,200 officers?

BARNEY: Oh, Andy, now you know I don’t generalize, and you know I’m not too old to go to town like one of these boys. It’s just — well, look at ’em, Andy! Just look at ’em. They’re all about five-foot-seven, wear dark sunglasses, and they all shave their heads bald. Who’s Josh Holgrove, Andy? Is he the bald one wearin’ sunglasses? [hold for laughter and applause] And besides, I want to stay here and work with the guys. I don’t even need one bullet, Andy. I’ll go out with NO bullets!

Later in the episode, our source reports, Andy (in his usual good nature) spares Barney the public embarrassment of PTO, and extends Barney the opportunity to retrieve a shipment of fully automatic rifles from the military surplus, but there’s a catch: Barney must learn the value of community. Andy gives him the job only if he shaves his head, and puts on the body armor, to look like one of the boys. Barney learns the power of teamwork, his deadly accident is swept under the rug, and Aunt Bee makes a mean custard pie. As credits roll, Barney throws Andy the MRAP keys and turns to look at the camera. Then, Barney takes a step back. As credits roll, he continues backward, fading into a long, navy blue line of Mayberry police officers.

Catch more episodes every Thursday night on NBC Prime Time.


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15 Replies to “Andy Griffith reboot ‘modernized for digital audience’”

  1. You’really terrible at science fiction/fantasy writing hatesuck but the fishfag don’t. I told you write/talk = stand up, about the people you know & the truth you see in them (that’s actually when you write your best). But hey at least you’re writing again ’cause #Foreveralonely.
    #Offtopic & #irrelevantlyironic doesn’t anyone find it strange that Snowden only know follows the NSA (isn’t that the twitter version of chicken little, #rhetoricAL fuckers).

          1. **Taps the mic** & **mumbles** IS THIS THING ON …
            LeL at NSA now hacking their msm pawns, I mean ‘reporters/journalists’ …

          2. Hate & love are the same thing asshole, just one’s just a deeper level of committment & the other manic obsession. **yawns**

      1. Hear a Never-Released George Carlin Bit about Hating the Police
        ‘”When I was a kid and we went to the movies, we rooted against the police,” Carlin said. “Against the police and for the crooks. I don’t give a s— if they come to my house and kill my entire family. I’m on their side. I’d rather spend 16 hours stuck in an elevator with a couple of crooks than even say hello to a f—in’ policeman. You don’t help the police. They’re not on your side. Don’t you understand this s— yet? They work for the state. They’ll plant fake evidence. They’ll put a loaded gun in the hands of an unarmed man they’ve shot to death. They harass minorities, they brutalize people, they deny people their rights and they lie about it all in court all the time … But they don’t squeal on each other. They’re not rats. So take a page from their book, but never, ever help them.”’
        George Carlin – ‘Rats & Squealers’ (previously unreleased material)
        https://soundcloud.com/siriusxmcomedy/george-carlin-rats-squealers-previously-unreleased-material

  2. NSA(dot)com is tango down now, lel .. this keeps gettin’ better plus the ocam razor of NSA catfishin’ Wackleakz with the DNC leaks to find Killary”s deleted emails. Nice thing to be entertained with while I am indefinitely stuck in retail hell.

    1. TL:DR … so Rob Lowe will be roasted by David Spade on Labo(u)r Day on the CCN. I always hated both of those fgts, hope they both kill each other with fire.

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