Snooki missing and presumed dead after Hurricane Sandy

Fans are already mourning the loss of Snooki

SEASIDE HEIGHTS, N.J. — The bloated corpse of Snooki was allegedly recovered and then dumped back into the sea Tuesday after the MTV star went missing early Monday evening.

When whaling experts off the Atlantic Coast noticed a disturbance in their dragnets, they claim to have pulled up the bloated, lifeless carcass of Jersey Shore starlette Nicole Elizabeth Polizzi the reality television “actress” widely known as Snooki.

Coast Guard Captain Jacob Funkhouser, who found the body, said he could not believe his eyes. And since this particular whaling expedition was a capitalist venture, Funkhouser said, there was just not enough space in the hold of the S.S. Bismarck and jettisoned her stinking, lifeless body.

It was definitely her.
Captain Jacob Funkhouser, S.S. Bismarck

Internet Chronicle reporters interviewed Funkhouser on the deck of the S.S. Bismarck. “It was definitely her,” Funkhouser told reporters, slamming a defiant fist down on the platform where he sat. “Even though it was all purple and puffy, I’d recognize that face anywhere. Now that I look back on it, we could’ve made more money selling the corpse back to her filthy rich guido family than I’d get from a big, juicy Sperm whale.”

Though he lamented losing the chance to capitalize on her fame, Funkhouser said he does not regret the decision to jettison Snooki’s body, saying “America dumped Bin Laden, so I did the same for Snooki.”

Snooki leaves behind an infant child whose birth raised controversy after critics labeled her a “negligent monster . . . incapable of motherhood.” (NY Times, 2011)

Known for drinking and getting punched in the face by better people, Snooki capitalized on a baffling book deal that was displayed prominently in bookstores alongside, or ahead of, the works of sociologist Cornell West, popular scientist Niel DeGrasse Tyson and satirist David Sedaris.

It is unknown how Snooki was initially blown out to sea. Sources close to the reality TV star said she was drinking profusely during a Hurricane Sandy welcoming party, and disappeared in her Scion Monday night, a car known to float in less than six inches of water. Authorities have declared her a missing person but are currently occupied with more important recovery efforts.

64 Replies to “Snooki missing and presumed dead after Hurricane Sandy”

    1. R U 5 YEARS OLD? THIS WOULD BE ALL OVER THE NEWS, INTERNET, TV, EVERYWHERE! BUT ITS NOT. ITS ON ONE STUPID WEBSITE I HAVE NEVER HEARD OF UNTIL THIS DAY, BY SEARCHING THE INTERNET FOR NO PURPOSE. YOU GOT TO BE JOKING IF YOU THINK THIS IS TRUE. WHY WOULD SOMEONE LIE ABOUT DEATH THOUGH…

  1. I would have a party if that skank was dead but just a couple of things, one it’s going to take more than a few hours for her body to start to decompose and some fishermen found her in their net, those guys were fishing during the hurricane or even right after the hurricane, so unfortunately this story is bullshit, but one can only hope!! this all took place Tuesday, man these people can’t even make up bullshit.

  2. With New Jersey “seeing the worst crisis it’s seen in a long time,” as Newark Mayor Cory Booker told CNN Wednesday, the MTV reality stars who came to fame from their time spent in Seaside Heights say they’re devastated over the damage done to their “second home.”

    The “Jersey Shore” crew filmed hours at the famed boardwalk and in the now familiar Seaside home, which according to the Hollywood Reporter has withstood Sandy’s wrath.

    “Crying over the damage the jersey shore and my town received. Legit boats are on the roads I used to drive. I cannot believe this,” Jenni “JWoww” Farley tweeted Tuesday. “Bubbas and lucky arcade are no more but the shore store is standing but major damage.”

    Added Samantha “Sammi” Giancola, “For all the people that have gone through this hurricane and destruction, my heart goes out to you. … Seeing seaside and what has happened to my hometown is beyond devastating. I have no words.”

    “My thoughts and prayers go out to everyone who was affected by this disaster in Seaside and all across the Northeast. I’m here to support in any way I can,” Vinny Guadagnino said in a statement, while new mom Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi chimed in, “Sandy destroyed Seaside — our second home. It’s devastating to see our boardwalk and favorite spots ruined. My prayers go out to everyone affected by the storm.”

    The reality stars, including Paul “DJ Pauly D” DelVecchio and Ronnie Magro, have been tweeting encouragements to support the American Red Cross disaster relief efforts in Jersey Shore and beyond.

    Snooki, in defense to a Twitter user who inquired, “Why don’t you BUMS of JERSEY SHORE get your a**es out there and help!!! That place MADE you!!!,” responded that she is helping, and MTV has pledged to help as well.

    “Our thoughts and prayers go out to all of those affected by the hurricane, especially our friends and business owners in Seaside Heights, New Jersey, who are now part of the MTV family,” the network said in a statement. “MTV is actively exploring ways to best help with the recovery efforts, and in the meantime we are encouraging everyone to donate to the American Red Cross’ disaster relief efforts.”

    Added Sammi via Twitter, “Anything to help the people effected by this storm including my own hometown. I will be helping the jersey shore get back together altogether. This is my home.”

  3. Snooki is dead. She died while The Situation was dropping numerous Cleveland Steamers in her mouth and she got choked.

  4. Although I loved Snooki through, and through; I have to admit, there’s alot of people in New Jersey who really need her leopard prints, mini skirts, and six inch heels more than her to stay warm now.
    I’m really going to miss her. National day of moaning in her memory?

    RIP Snooki:(

  5. You guys are retards this is a hilarious joke of an article. If Snooki was dead you would have found out the second it had happened because it would be all across the news and the TV when ( or before ) this article was posted, on October 30th, I’m 10 and I know that this is a joke, what has this world come to??

  6. LOL! hilarious… r all the articles on here this fake?!. im new so idk…but hilarious that anyone would even think of taking this article seriously … seems like a fifteen year old wrote this for laughs.. should have included the whole dam cast… XD

  7. Lol … okay….whatever douchbag ? u fail at trolling… u probably look like a troll too… u dont give ur self a name like “kirby” for no reason without being fat!…. im sure you hear that alot “goober gobblin fool” which is why u tell other people that to make ur self feel better …. im sure ur a jersey shore fan too to top it off lol ur pathetic ….

  8. One day i hope to read Obamas death panels use drones to take this whale, and Blieber out. (I know i spelt it wrong. I wish all celebs had their throats slit and were hung from cranes. Awe that would be the day i love my country again.

  9. You should look up satirical style writing, and study it extensively. Cause this shit isn’ t original or funny in even the remotest way. Fail.

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