Washington, D.C. — As US President Barack Hussein Obama renews some meaningless vow to close down the Guantanamo Bay Cab Driver Spa and Resort, Sony has doubled down their criticisms of the president by offering to release the CIA Torture Report, which contains graphics depictions of torture and rape, for free on Crackle, their in-house streaming service.
The torture report, entitled “The Interview,” explains the methodology of extracting sensitive information from unwilling participants. If a subject won’t talk, for example, raping him with hard green vegetables offers a ready solution to tight lips, according to the document.
Following Obama’s decision to downplay the role of torture in American foreign policy, Sony executives criticized the president for being “intimidated by these kind of criminal attacks.” Torture is a protected form of free speech, Sony said, and the president should not be discouraged by “faggoty” leftist attacks on American freedom.
Obama said he was fine with torture, but only vowed to close Guantanamo when he thought that’s what people wanted to hear.
“We tortured some folks,” Obama said. “I used to think that was bad. But if you really think about it, James Clapper is like a patriotic Santa Claus. Our brave team of CIA torture artists are like his elves. But instead of milk and cookies this year, if you’re a terrorist, you might consider leaving out a zucchini and – if you know what’s good for you – a big old bottle of water-based lube.”
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