Horoscopes

Your Horoscope for December 2016

Because you believe in it

ARIES ♈

A torturous family barbecue is in store on the 15th–and you’re on the menu! People will subtly suggest they thought you’d be doing something better by now, and are not unpleasantly surprised with your overall decline into mediocrity. On the 19th, don’t settle for this. Suspend contact with these people until Venus exits Sagittarius.

Your lucky numbers: 30, 52 and 7

LEO ♌

On the 15th, a cosmic boost gives you the courage to make important changes at work. Make a good night’s sleep a priority on Sunday, because come Monday morning you’ll want to show up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, ready to fire a gas powered carbine rifle into your coworkers like Christ put the demons into pigs. The 20th is a sick day, and everyone’s out with a permanent case of the Mondays! A rave review in the press will fill your hateful heart with pride.

Your lucky numbers: 30, 911 and The 2nd

SAGITTARIUS ♐

Unexpected romance surprises you on the 15th when the Aries Full Moon lights up your pussy hole. On the job, stop being such a little tease, and give into your boss’ advances. He’s not that gross and, besides, it’s reached that point already, hasn’t it? You know you want it. Start acting like it. Stop playing games, and play the game.

Your lucky numbers: 17, 22 and 3/5

TAURUS ♉

The Moon in your sign on the 17th gives you a romantic glow. Family finances may get a boost on the 18th, but they will cut you out of it. Watch CNN.

Your lucky number: 0

VIRGO ♍

Lovely Venus shines in your home zone, inspiring harmony among your inner demons and helping you beautify your abode! On the 21st, a dinner with friends goes awkwardly, but you will never learn why. Avoid eye contact with any Pisces you may know.

Your lucky number: GET OUT scrawled in blood across an old shirt you haven’t worn in 12 months.

CAPRICORN ♑

The 19th inspires a wave of clarity that helps you see what a failure you are. Saturn in Sagitarrius reminds you to disregard any positive, uplifting thoughts–you’re in a downward spiral!

Your lucky numbers: fibonacci

GEMINI ♊

On the 15th, the Full Moon illuminates the blessings in your relationships. You will give all earthly possessions to Internet Chronicle and await further orders. Spite-inducing planets are in cahoots on the 19th–so shoot for the stars! Donate all your bitcoins, too.

Your lucky number: $1,000

LIBRA ♎

Venus enters Sagittarius on the 18th, making romance extra uncomfortable for all parties involved. Get that crazy look out of your eyes and stop staring people into capitulation. You don’t know what people are saying about you, but it’s worse than you might think. Are you sure?

AQUARIUS ♒

The 15th is a wonderful time to begin a new family tradition that’ll bring everyone closer. On the 20th, look out for subtle cues from Mom and Dad!

CANCER ♋

Career-savvy monsters will exploit your talents on the 18th! On the 20th and 21st, the Moon in your sign helps you express your personal sadness.

Your lucky numbers: Would not help in this situation (you’re on your own!)

SCORPIO ♏

Your cash flow improves dramatically starting on the 21st! Avoiding the police will help you dodge any drama and go down in history with the notoriety you deserve!

PISCES ♓

On the 18th, Venus boosts your power level, making you impervious to bullets! The Cancer Moon connects you and your mate emotionally on the 20th and 21st. Watch for headaches.

Your lucky numbers: 18, 21 and 62

What’s in the stars for the heartthrobs?

billy-ray-cyrus-mullet-madness

Billy Ray Cyrus

This country icon is a true Aquarius at heart, which means he plays by his own rules! After recently departing from his longtime father-daughter relationship, Billy’s gonna continue to keep friends and fans on their toes–and planets say his two new upcoming albums will prove his independence is a success! Billy Ray might even open a museum or a woman’s legs in his later years.

Watch out y’ol’ hound dog! Herpes is real.

Ethan HawkeEthan Hawke

After appearing in cult classics Reality Bites and Before Sunset, Ethan Hawke found his place among the stars, but he went too far and sun no longer shines on Ethan anymore, whose planets are in the wrong house.

Ethan, you’re finished. Way to suck at astrology, bro. Grow a sign. I mean, wow, what a good-looking man! But talk about being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Astrology is not always kind.

johnny-depp-at-the-hollywood-beauty-awards-2016Johnny Depp

After a starring role in Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas launched Johnny to stardom, he was free to create film from the soul, and so he began shooting a series of pirate movies in the underground scene, which was only picked up when a relatively obscure studio named Disney agreed to distribute the films.

Now, ol’ Gemini Johnny’s slinging glasses with megastars like Jack Nicholson, and Amber Heard.

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