Categories
News

Chronicle.su to institute gay readership ban

Notice Breitbart's long hair and unshaven face, sure signs of homosexual tendencies.

Homoerotic politicsINTERNET – The Internet Chronicle is proud to announce we will disable access to the chronicle.su domain for all homosexual readers. This change goes into effect immediately.

Under a fresh new Indiana ruling, chronicle.su is no longer required to cater to the godless homosexual agenda. As a result of this important change, our expert staff of writers and editors will be running more stories about sports, videogames, literature and war.

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It’s about ethics in journalism journalism.

Dr. Angstrom T. Heterodauer

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All complaints should be registered in the comment fields below; however, be advised that if we detect homosexuality in your post, the comment will be deleted, your IP will be banned, and your voice silenced, forever.

Editor’s Note: Yes, we are losing money but you can’t put a price on religious freedom. As we like to say here at Lebal Drocer, “Freedom ain’t free.”

Categories
News

Dreams for My Father

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Obama, O-bam-a, O’ my Ali Babwa…

a framer for our time,

a fountain for our springs,

with eyes cast keen on our days.

You bear the cross that Jefferson glossed

and carry us on our way.

For there is no cost, no naught for dear us,

we are with you like wrinkles with age.

Give us your might! And donate your hours,

while we scour the linings of our cotton trousers,

we’ll throw bestow and blow upon you

the glitter of our bottom dollars.

At last! let life, let full freedom ring,

from sea to shining C-block,

tick tock! make it stop,

tick tock goes the clock on your reign.

Oh term limits be damned!

They’re all the same,

but you, you’re a pearl in this game.

And dark is the day when you go away,

leaving us with the light of a foe.

A woman, a Rand, a randy old man.

There will not be another Hussein.

A world without you? No that I can’t do…

what does this dagger do in my hand?

Forswear it, father! I now go and expire,

Champagne!

Good god! Don’t watch, the blood, it’s a flood.

But Barry, my means, my man…

Categories
Law Technology

John Oliver forces ground level narrative, reducing American privacy crisis to concern around ‘dick pics’

Edward Snowden hasn't revealed anything at all about 9/11 inside job

MOSCOW – In a sweaty interview with the infamous cyberterrorist Edward Snowden, darling satirist John Oliver refused to let Snowden iterate his basic technological explanation of how domestic spy programs, such as PRISM, violate the US Constitution. Instead, Oliver continuously interrupted Snowden, denying Americans’ ability to interpret the dialog for themselves, and said the interview MUST focus on “dick pics” in order to maintain public interest.

Oliver felt the already limited segment would not infantilize the popular mind enough, so at various points in the interview, Oliver pulls out his slick new Macbook Pro with retina display, puts it in his lap, and points it toward Snowden, directing him – like a child – to watch a selection of clips of Americans who do not know who he is.

The transition from Snowden's linear explanation of the PRISM domestic spying program was executed about as awkwardly as Nguyễn Ngọc Loan.
The transition from Snowden’s linear explanation of the PRISM domestic spying program was executed about as awkwardly as Nguyễn Ngọc Loan.

With each attempt to carry out the 18-month old, ongoing conversation about the offensive and intrusive nature of domestic spying – a feature of totalitarianism that exceeds even the worst Orwellian nightmare scenario, and has colossal implications on global markets and trade, as well as negatively affecting every tier of government from global to town-level – Oliver said, “No, no. We are talking about dick pics because that is all my dipshit audience cares about: Their sweaty, hairy schlongs.” He diverted the conversation from the Snowden cult of personality only to bring it all back to dick pics, before ending the interview with the centuries-old jokes, “Now I’m on some kind of list,” to which Snowden calmly – and after forced laughter – replied, “You’re associated.”

In Brooklyn, a group of artists who understand art but nothing of subtlety, put up a Snowden statue. A day later, when one of them said, “Look what I did, everyone!” the statue is now hilarironicallously covered by a blue tarp.

This is what you get for bragging about your stupid art, you stupid fucks.
This is what you get for bragging about your stupid art, you stupid fucks.

BRB: exercising my civil rights to photograph dick pics and transfer ownership to Mark Zuckerberg, as per Facebook Terms of Service.

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