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Law Technology

John Oliver forces ground level narrative, reducing American privacy crisis to concern around ‘dick pics’

MOSCOW – In a sweaty interview with the infamous cyberterrorist Edward Snowden, darling satirist John Oliver refused to let Snowden iterate his basic technological explanation of how domestic spy programs, such as PRISM, violate the US Constitution. Instead, Oliver continuously interrupted Snowden, denying Americans’ ability to interpret the dialog for themselves, and said the interview MUST focus on “dick pics” in order to maintain public interest.

Oliver felt the already limited segment would not infantilize the popular mind enough, so at various points in the interview, Oliver pulls out his slick new Macbook Pro with retina display, puts it in his lap, and points it toward Snowden, directing him – like a child – to watch a selection of clips of Americans who do not know who he is.

The transition from Snowden's linear explanation of the PRISM domestic spying program was executed about as awkwardly as Nguyễn Ngọc Loan.
The transition from Snowden’s linear explanation of the PRISM domestic spying program was executed about as awkwardly as Nguyễn Ngọc Loan.

With each attempt to carry out the 18-month old, ongoing conversation about the offensive and intrusive nature of domestic spying – a feature of totalitarianism that exceeds even the worst Orwellian nightmare scenario, and has colossal implications on global markets and trade, as well as negatively affecting every tier of government from global to town-level – Oliver said, “No, no. We are talking about dick pics because that is all my dipshit audience cares about: Their sweaty, hairy schlongs.” He diverted the conversation from the Snowden cult of personality only to bring it all back to dick pics, before ending the interview with the centuries-old jokes, “Now I’m on some kind of list,” to which Snowden calmly – and after forced laughter – replied, “You’re associated.”

In Brooklyn, a group of artists who understand art but nothing of subtlety, put up a Snowden statue. A day later, when one of them said, “Look what I did, everyone!” the statue is now hilarironicallously covered by a blue tarp.

This is what you get for bragging about your stupid art, you stupid fucks.
This is what you get for bragging about your stupid art, you stupid fucks.

BRB: exercising my civil rights to photograph dick pics and transfer ownership to Mark Zuckerberg, as per Facebook Terms of Service.

This message is brought to you proudly by Lebal Drocer, Inc. If you are reading this message, we own your eyes.

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World

US-backed bombing of Yemen surprises no one

All four top advisers to the UN Human Rights Council were bored with the predictable news of the US backing a Saudi push into Iranian-allied territories
All four top advisers to the UN Human Rights Council were bored by the predictable news of a US-backed Saudi push into Yemen.

WASHINGTON, D.C. Literally no one was shocked to learn of a Saudi Arabian airstrike against the Haradh district of northern Yemen on Monday.

Angstrom Trodlinyiavic, a chief member of the UN human rights council, said he is surprised the bombing only targeted military installations, when everyone knows it is the barbaric women and children of Yemen who are to blame for their country’s upheaval.

“I am only in favor of toppling dictators who oppose American interests,” Troubadour said. “Human rights abuses by Hosni Mubarak to Saddam Hussein had no rhyme or reason. Those men were tyrants. Barack Hussein, on the other hand, and Abdullah of Saudi Arabia only skirt human rights when they absolutely need to. That is the difference with which I rationalize this contradictory, and offensive, narrative.”

A Saudi-led coalition of desert warriors is forming a united military front against the Iranian controlled Houthi militiamen, who are known within intelligence communities to be dangerously equipped with the world’s most advanced pointed sticks and semiautomatic small arms. As the group advances south, toward the city of Aden, Yemen President Rabbu Mansour Hadi is feeling greater pressure than ever to sign off on construction of a new chain of Arby’s restaurants across the northern region of the country.

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Health

Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour under investigation in peer-review scandal

Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour's latest book, Troll Medicine, is under scrutiny amid yet another media-invented 'peer-review scandal.'
Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour’s latest book, Troll Medicine, is under scrutiny amid yet another media-invented ‘peer-review scandal.’

What might normally constitute a paralyzing blow to an independent doctor’s career did not move Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour, whose wealthy financiers include none other than Lebal Drocer Pharmaceuticals, the powerful medicine firm that allegedly paid the journal Nature to introduce the untested “miracle drug” TerrorMax to an unassuming and naive readership of scientists and medical scholars.

Court records show Troubadour faked more than 33 “peer reviews” forcing The Internet Chronicle to revoke several articles referencing him. To be clear, all of Dr. Truebadour’s articles that are factual and accurate remain published under his pseudonym, Troubedaur.

Dr. Troubedauer said after the witch hunt dies down, he plans to go on vacation in the beautiful former bomb testing site, the beautiful Nye County, Nv.

“After they quit trying to figure out ‘who’s a real doctor and who’s a fake’ – nonsense, if you ask me – I aim to go out West and prove radiation poisoning is a myth,” Troubedoure said. “I think it is a shame these fake reports came to light. People need to be more careful, like Monsanto. Now there’s a company with its priorities in order.”

Related stories:

Recreational Drug Advice from real doctor, Angstrom H. Troubedaur

Peer-Reviewed TerrorMax Journal Entry cleared for publication, Troubadour acquitted of fraud