Cost of Freedom on the rise

Washington, D.C.–The cost of freedom rose another ten barrels of crude Friday, according to a Pentagon report published by Secretary of War Donald Scumsfeld.

Freedom, experts say, might never be free again, according to projections by the War Secretary that reveal an alarming increase in the cost of freedom over time.

Freedom was worthless in 1996.
Freedom was worthless in 1996.

“We expect the cost of freedom to double, or possibly even triple with the cost of oil in the third quarter, depending on what rights people are willing to give up, and in exchange for which illusions of security the NSA might reasonably offer.”

Millennials are pussies.

Donald Scumsfeld, Sec. of Ass-Kickin’ Drone Warfare

Some liberal cowards don’t want war, Scumsfeld said. Others hate foreigners enough to support total invasion and occupation their oil-rich desert countries.

“Our research shows Millennials are pussies, this much is obvious,” Scumsfeld said. “But even so, [they] don’t mind drone strikes as long as they don’t have to see pictures of dead kids on Instagram or Twitter.”

“Ew, get these gross dead people off my timeline!” – @J3ssicaR4bbit27

An unanswered CNN poll revealed that – although Americans are still largely divided along party lines – one thing Americans can agree on is that freedom of choice represents a right to the freedom not to choose.

One participant in the poll, who did not answer the poll but instead commented in the field below, said:

“We don’t care what all the government takes, as long as they don’t take away my American Pickers.”

Another good American citizen said he doesn’t like the way people in turbans make him feel, and that a search-and-seizure warrant should not be necessary as long as the government’s suspicions were “justifiable” and based on “gut instinct.”

“When I look at somebody’s different from me, I can’t really put into words the terror and confusion I feel in my gut instinct,” Anonymous bravely stated. “All I know is, when I get scared, I get mean and hateful, and buddy let me tell you this right now: If I get scared and attack somebody I hate on the basis of my prejudgments – or, prejudice, if you will – and you want to call that a hate crime, then by God, I guess I’m a hate criminal. What do you call that? Like a terrorist, but the other way around, right?”

Like many Americans on the Fourth of July, the despicable Chinese also take a break from stamping out iPhone 7s to celebrate their freedom every year on June Fourth – the same date of “the incident” that should under no circumstance be named.

At that, we turn to our Freedom Correspondent who writes from Freedom, Wisconsin, located at the crossroads of the Fox Valley. That’s right. Freedom is really located on the FOX Valley.

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Freedom, Wi.–Nothing’s free here. You have to pay for groceries, a house, your car – even gasoline. Some people just stare at the Sun, because it appears free. Little do they know, even staring at the Sun comes at a great cost. Little Timmy Sutherland, of Cartaret County, Wisconsin, lost his vision after staring directly into the sun during a commercial break from Naruto.

And so on, you get the idea. Good lord, are you still reading this?

14 Replies to “Cost of Freedom on the rise”

  1. Trust me, freedom & democracy are overrated & this is why we have install our own(ed) puppet as president, comrade Mr. Trump.
    Hashtag, send in the clowns. *said in the voice of Beck Bennett, SNL*

      1. Unoffically I am the chronicle.su’s token uppity houseniggra domwh0re (6 yrs since I threatened to pull out your chest tube almost to the day). Non-membership comes with certain privileges fucker.
        When’s the next podcast. I want to call in.

  2. ‘I should have to blow a breathalyzer before I’m allowed to use the Internet’
    #1stworldwhiteguyproblems

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