Pope Francis to star in new A&E reality TV show "Pope Primacy"

Move over Duck Dynasty! And let Pope Primacy take over. In what is being called a “masterful PR campaign,” a new reality TV show, scheduled for MSNBC’s Fall lineup, will spread the message of Pope Francis and help Catholics cope with increased levels of cognitive dissonance beyond what religious people normally feel.

To anyone over 30, recent changes to the Vatican’s public image might be disorienting, even confusing, the Vatican said over Christmas — but Catholics worldwide can rest assured it has nothing at all to do with whitewashing a century of child rape or actually returning to the teachings of Communist Jesus and his crazy ideals (the church has sold him out more than enough).

“He’s a Jesuit,” bloggers say. “They do crazy things like publicly disavowing wealth.”

Catholicism enthusiasts have come forward with original, anonymous, leaked source material to suggest Pope Francis learned to embrace his growing public image.

The "Fresh Pope of Bel-Air" smokes a doobie with adoring fans.
The “Fresh Pope of Bel-Air” smokes a doobie with adoring fans.

“[The Pope]’s been working out, yeah. He’s changing his image. He not only started a beard [which photos indicate is in fact true], but — and I know you’re not gonna believe this — but, he went out and he got himself a tattoo.”

Written in Olde English calligraphy arching over a holy cross, the tattoo reads, “Thou Shalt Not.”

As excitement for the show “Pope Primacy” winds up, Pope Francis’ producers have begun pushing him to do “weirder and weirder stuff.”

Archbishop Chile Pedley said he is “frankly, very uncomfortable” with what the show creators want Francis to do, but said he’s satisfied with the results.

“They kept asking him to do weirder and weirder stuff,” Pedley said. “First they had him wash a prisoner’s feet, this young offender. I mean, that’s one thing. But recently for the show, they had him hug a severely disfigured man, and I just thought, ‘You guys have gone too far,’ but no — the people loved it. They fucking eat that shit up, apparently.”

Legendary Hollywood producer Phil Spector was overheard saying, “You’re gonna have to do some miracles, here, Francis,” while talking to Francis about the next round of eliminations. “Get on the healin’ train,” he said. “…could be Sainthood for ya, huge ratings… could be Redemption Island. We’ll see how people react to the fact you drive yourself to work.”

Leaked studio footage shows Archbishop Pedley again speaking directly into the camera, telling people he knows of “a guy with a garage full of stuff that the new Pope is gonna love.” Pedley said, “He’s got relics — idols from papal past.”

Thou Shalt Not.

Blogs and YouTube reviewers familiar with reality TV have already come forward to voice concerns they say are rooted in another oversized-cross-wearing icon. Xxfuckedup-247xX said “It’s only a matter of time before we start to recognize the Pope as an empty husk of his former self, who ambles around the house – rambling incoherently – but wisely.”

Area Father Forced to Take His Belt Off

“I warned you I’d do this,” he said.

Richmond, Va. – Area father Mark Bialek, 44, removed his belt Tuesday after asking Tyler, his rambunctious five year old boy, not to touch that candy on the impulse rack of a local Kroger supermarket.

Area Father Forced to Take His Belt OffIgnoring his father’s demands, the child grabbed a fistful of animal crackers and ran full speed into a glass door, went into shock and collapsed in the floor.

Onlooker Stephen Meager compared it to the human equivalent of pigeons flying into library windows. “It was like he didn’t even know glass existed,” commented Meager.

The father, doubly enraged by his child’s insolence and resulting injury, unbuckled his belt and – with a pop of the wrist – had it off and folded over tightly in his right fist. Standing over his lame, quivering child, the father described likely changes the boy could expect in his physical and emotional state once the two found themselves alone, in the near future.

Conditions, Bialek said, are expected to transition rapidly from “a pussy fit” into “a blistered ass,” in the wake of remorseless vengeance for the perceived destruction of his golden years, hinging on his own prior assumptions that he had anymore human potential before he accidentally became a father than his iPhone 3 could already provide on its own.

Through bleary eyes, the beaten child’s mind processed his abuse as an uncharacteristic form of love, and relished the attention.

“That’s called tough love,” said Bialek, on his way out of the store. “The boy’s got to learn.”

Dating Advice: from Doctor Angstrom H. Troubedaur

Dr. Angstrom H. TroubedaurHey, what’s up fellow dudes?

I’m here to chill on a problem that has plagued humanity since the dawn of the Internet: Dating.

Now, there are an unlimited number of ways to date, and many cultures have backward traditions different from our own. But this doesn’t mean it has to be impossible! Perhaps some of us young American men have just forgotten how to hunt.

After decades of studying human behavior, I’ve come up with a short list of do’s and dont’s – and some other shit that is sure to land you the kind of submissive sex object you think you desire. That is, of course, before she backstabs you like a bitch whore, which always happens 100% of the time. Am I right, dudes?

When dating, here are seven things you should definitely do:

1. Repeatedly send her friend requests on Facebook. This demonstrates persistence, showing her you are dedicated and ready for a worthwhile mate. Make status updates that passingly reference her and her interests. Mirror her personality in every way that you can. She will appreciate this.

2. Find out where she hangs out, and go there. Be careful not to approach her right away; instead, take the time to study her habits and personality so you can best approach her successfully.

3. Make joking insults about her in the company of others. She will be impressed with your edgy sense of humor.

4. Once you’re “in,” be as cold and emotionally distant as possible. She will grow to crave your emotional warmth more and more, and you can use this as a “power tool” to control her behavior.

5. Keep a clean apartment. If a woman comes over and sees that it is dirty, her feminine instincts will cause her to resent you because she will assume it is her obligation to clean it. Even though it is, you want to wait till she is completely submissive before allowing her the cleaning duties she naturally desires.

6. Constantly be on the lookout for any clues that might suggest insubordination. All women will naturally want to cheat on you and eventually break up with you. Be prepared for this and stamp it out ahead of time, if you can.

7. It is your job to predict the many unseen forces which are at work. As the relationship finally fails, it may dawn on you that it is your fault for lacking knowledge of her indiscretions. It is never too late to go through her email. Install a keylogger on her computer. This will give you valuable insights into her opinion of you and let you know for sure whether or not she is cheating on you yet.

Is your love interest microwaved or prepared fresh on the stove? Try to avoid doing any of the following while on your first hot date, to keep it from getting cold:

Under NO circumstance should you:

1. Reveal that you are human. This is off-putting and violates a woman’s natural boundaries.

2. Freely voice your opinion. If anything you say is objectionable, the lady twirling her martini across the table from you may shut down, or go into hibernation – and you’ll be stuck paying the full bill without a hope in the world of even touching her breasts.

3. Be quiet. But also try not to talk about yourself. Women just don’t give a fuck. If you can’t think of anything else to say, ask about her obsession with cats. Once she starts flapping her gums, you can zone back out again. Picture yourself playing Minecraft while she babbles on about her meaningless life.

4. Reveal your juvenile hobbies, such as comic books or videogames. This is a glaring signal that you are not yet disconnected from your worthless past. This is known to later cause feelings of tension or guilt in the female mind after she recognizes she is not only destroying you as a human being, but your inner child as well.

5. Let on like you are responsible with money. She will assume you’re poor and unable to buy her luxuries. Luxuries are the only thing women really care about in life, other than cats, so before you reveal even a shade of frugality, consider stealing jewelry and clothing from Macy’s.

6. Take “no” for an answer. This is self-explanatory.

7. Get bitter because you are an unlovable, abusive monster. If she can’t accept you for who you are, then she can GET FUCKED, like the little SLUT she IS.

Be on the lookout for the woman who:

1. Doesn’t eat, abuses serious drugs. This is a sign she needs help. Let somebody else deal with it. She’s probably got AIDS anyway.

2. Has children. She will eventually expect you to adopt it. That’s heavy shit, bro.

3. Wants commitment. You’re a wild eagle, man. And eagles gotta be free.

4. Is vegetarian, vegan, religious, political, or otherwise predisposed to strong beliefs of any kind. Eventually, she will force her beliefs upon you and that just won’t do. This is also a sign of independent thought, which is anathema to a healthy relationship.

5. Is against abortion. Since you never use a condom, she will have to be down with the coat hanger one way or another.

If you catch her reading this list[http://www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/manipulator/redflaglist.shtml], or anything like it, immediately forbid her from the internet! Material like this will nullify all the do’s and dont’s, inevitably leading your pet girlfriend to think for herself, dissolving her love for you.

Protesters gear up to repress rowdy G-20 police

G-20, TORONTO– The police stand on the far side of a chain-link fence, waving their guns and batons for attention. They shout pro status quo slogans in an attempt to start a conflict with the amazingly organized protesters. Diana Lauder gives marching orders, and the protesters fall in step with more loyalty than Hitler’s secret police.

“We just want to keep them under control,” Lauder said. “If they begin to use threatening force, we will not hesitate to go straight to our contingency plan, to sit in the grass with our legs crossed, hold up a peace sign, and be shot with rubber bullets and teargas.”

Protesters menacing helpless crowd police
Protesters menacing helpless crowd police

One witness to the violence said the protesters’ abuse of authority was “dehumanizing…completely.” The G-20 protesters systematically violate the civil rights of well-meaning riot police to peacelessly assemble and resist forwardly.

The Canadian government just passed a law in 2007 that said protesters have the right to assemble, so in fairness, protesters count on the police officers to activate a law from 1939 that gives them extraordinary powers under vague circumstances.

“Oppression is, after all, built into the framework, so it’s our job to see to it the rights of police officers are upheld; the right to trample innocent bystanders and shoot them with gas-powered weapons,” said area hippie and peace enthusiast Alistair Robin Rowntree.

The protesters, in spite of their insatiable thirst for violence, face uncertainty too. They are up against people “with a natural aversion to violence,” warned Elf Wax social scientist Akhmed Karzai, so without warning or provocation, the protesters may be forced to attack unwitting riot guards.

Law specialist Bernie Hedriff of The Royal Canadian Mounted Police said,

“Police officers have traditionally constituted the highly-respected, intellectual elite of secondary schools everywhere, known to keep themselves educated on current events and eager to take part in the democratic process; whereas your average political protester is usually some ignorant underachiever who got picked on in school for being dumb and now craves control. This much, we all know,” explained Hedriff. “What is not well known, however, is these peace officers who work as riot guards near political functions – they’re left with no choice but to apply the law, which states that as long as violence is occurring somewhere in the city, they may – no, they must – use excessive force on those around them, especially on the frontlines of the gray area between civil rights and civil disobedience, where examples must clearly be made.”

So, really there are no rights at all, giving the police exactly the kind of protection they need from the oppressing protesting.

Draconian laws allow civil rights to assembly and free speech to be trampled underfoot, and protesters are outnumbered in some situations by three to one, so even in spite of their docile nature, it is difficult to keep the glacial movement of the riot guards in place. Perhaps more obscurely, David Icke, Lizard-Overlord historian and philosoholic, recommends protesters use lizard-repellent, because “The police hate it,” he said.

“I do not believe that the individuals bent on vandalism and violence in our city have finished with their intent, so we will remain vigilant,” Toronto Police Chief Bill Blair said Saturday night.

Of the police, said one protester standing guard, “These criminals rely on the anonymity of hiding in a larger group of the curious and the naive.”

Fences protect freedom by caging it in
Fences protect freedom by caging it in

The riot police and summit leaders behind them are in such great danger that a giant fence was erected to protect their freedoms.

Toronto police said the fence was not breached Saturday.

In response to the impenetrable wall of freedom, protesters torched police cars, broke windows, and bravely vandalized everything in sight, effectively crippling the riot guards, citywide. Our prayers go out to the uniformed victims of protest-abuse in Toronto.

“Fuck you, I won’t do what ya tell me.”

-Riot police, to voters

Behind closed doors, world leaders gathered at the G-20 Summit to discuss the global financial crisis, and how to ease global debt – or at least find a common lie to agree on.

So far, the plan is to finally reveal the all-encompassing pattern of human enslavement across the global third-world plantation, reducing the overhead cost of hiding it.

MILEY CYRUS – TRIBULATION

When Miley Cyrus broke the sound barrier, we thought we’d seen everything. However, after punching through the Earth’s exosphere, the Disney Star approached escape velocity at 7 miles per second, then exploded brilliantly into a stream of atoms.

-Eyewitness report

Miley Cyrus, moments before reaching
critical mass over the Pacific Ocean

Astronomers worldwide confirmed Miley’s ascension into the cold, radioactive vacuum of space following the shockwave elicited by her sonic boom, visible from almost every clear sky in the Northern Hemisphere.

Fans of Miley say they believe the sexually exploited children’s TV star was in fact an angel in disguise. Her reasons for suddenly and inexplicably self-propelling off the face of the Earth, fans speculate, is that although they (that is, girls in the 8 to 13 years’ age range) respect her good choices and strive to emulate her in every way, these girls were not devoting enough of themselves and their disposable incomes to the Disney Corporation, Cyrus’s parent company and sole owner of her product name and fortune – and so she was removed from our unworthy planet.

Some sources blame hard times. Others believe the crisis deepens.

Elf Wax theological experts say that when good, hard-working Americans begin to establish the credibility of an organized Disney-consumer relationship, there might someday be a second coming of Miley Cyrus, but after – and only after – Billy Ray Cyrus is dead. This owes in part to the theory that the constant, photographed molestation of his daughter is part of the reason she has dematerialized in outer space.

Some fanatics have elected to crucify him or even stone him to death in a hole, but experts warn against interference of the Divine Walt Prophecy of the Magic Kingdom, a puritanical manifesto that lays out the future of little girls’ sexuality for all White, Western humanity, and Wal-Mart, to follow infallably the daytime TV Disney channel programming schedule and release dates for Up and its sequel, Down, noting that a lapse in good judgment is what caused Miley to originally disappear, and that any further failure to adhere to the strict puritanical morals set out by the religious/socioeconomic status quo could lead to dangerous levels of independent thought and a decline in second guessing of our true nature as human beings.

It’s what some experts in Washington describe to be “a dangerous concoction of emotional freedom that, if placed in the wrong hands, might galvanize what would be an otherwise unquestioning populus into free-thinking people who form their own opinions about lifestyles, choices made based solely on the individual’s ability to inform him/herself through God-given, not Disney-given, intuition and logical trains of thought.”

Pedophiles everywhere are eagerly watching the skies – and the obituaries – awaiting the return of Miley Cyrus upon the eve of Billy Ray’s demise.

FEAR 960 AM BROADCASTS UFO SIGHTING VIA DIRECT NASA FEED THROUGH LOCAL AFFILIATE "THE HATE HOLE"


Just what it says. Get with the program.

New things are happening. Don’t use your real information. Don’t worry about me. What’s there will eventually be pushed into obscurity. I will delete this article once it finds a happy position on the front page.

And once hosting is launched, I will go on a crusade, bringing all of these domains together under wicked underground hosting like you don’t even understand. Say goodbye to the confines of censorship and ambiguous intellectual property rights. I’ll get the software like we talked about, and streamline it all. It’ll take hours upon hours consuming days that will turn into weeks of toil and effort. But it’ll be worth it. A modem is on its way. Our video keeps being deleted by copyright laws. That will stop, too, based on my new and improved fair use policy, in which everything goes that’s arguably legal and fair – we don’t have to suffer just because you do.

In the meantime, I present to you: