Heroin solves life's problems

Even homemakers shoot heroin!ARE YOU finding yourself with a really good job and money to spend on shit? Get out of that rut with heroin!

Heroin offers all life’s problems one singular solution: heroin addiction. It’s like opium, but better.

Sometimes when you’re feeling low, just lost a job, or failed to abort, you have to do something about your situation. That’s why I, Thadeus Heathcoat, have come to Elf Wax to tell you about a miracle breakthrough in escapism: HEROIN.

Heroin has helped me overcome many problems in my life, and it can help you, too. I’ve dodged responsibility, jury duty, probation hearings, even bullets thanks to my commitment to heroin, and its dedication to me.

Heroin even helps me escape my one last problem, heroin.

“Okay Thadeus, how can I do heroin?”

Whoa! Slow down there, cowboy. You can’t inject heroin if you don’t have any! First you gotta score some junk. No money? No problem! Rob people! Too lazy? Steal from your friends.

With cash in hand, hit up that friend from high school who’s been to jail a few times. Maybe he’s even stolen from you in the past. Don’t hold a grudge; he just needed heroin. And so do you!

After he connects you to the coolest of cool Lebal Drocer Pharmaceutical technicians, ask your friend if he has a needle you can share. If you’re unsure what to cook and stick where, just ask! Friends don’t let friends waste good horse!

Ride the black horse to glory with Lebal Drocer, Incorporated.
Gotta problem? Inject a solution.

CAPS LOCK ULTRA

NEW FROM LEBAL DROCER,  INC!

BILLY MAYS HERE, FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE! Have you ever argued with someone online only to find you’ve already hit the CAPS LOCK key? Where the fuck do you go from there?

LebalSoft has the answer!

CAPS LOCK *ULTRA*™ GIVES YOUR ASS EXTRA CAPS! HOLY SHIT.

BRACE FOR CAPS LOCKDOWN!!

CAPS LOCK ULTRA is an additional key that attaches to the inferior key by the same name, turning all capital text BLOOD RED.

NEW! LIMITED TIME ONLY! Order now, chump, and we’ll throw in an actual CAPS “LOCK” which handily cements the TOTAL PERMANENCE of your UNDYING RAGE!

CAPS LOCK *ULTRA*™ gives you more time to do the things you love, somehow, like bookmarking informative Lebal Drocer pop-ups that you find interesting and appealing!

“The other day while arguing over Facebook, I got so pumped with rage blood vessels in my eyes burst and I cried projectile blood. Now thanks to CAPS LOCK ULTRA™, the only time I grit my teeth is during deep sleep!”

-Actual testimonial, not made up at all

Product demonstration:

YOU LYING SACK OF BROTHER-FUCKING MONKEY SHIT! GOD DAMN IT WHORE I WISH THERE WAS ANOTHER WAY TO EXPRESS THIS EMOTION!

[Consumer deploys CAPS LOCK *ULTRA*™]

YOU SICK FUCK! YOU SICK, DISGUSTING FUCK. I TOLD YOU HE HAD H.I.V. BUT YOU DIDN’T BELIEVE ME. AND NOW WE’VE ALL GOT IT!!!!!

The Elf Wax Times is brought to you graciously by Lebal Drocer Incorporated. We own everything that matters.