US Air Force Global Strike Command Celebrates MLK Legacy of War Promotion

MLK
Martin Luther King, Jr. Might Understand Today’s Wars, Pentagon Lawyer Says

Commentary by Warren Ward
Air Force Global Strike Command Programming Division

 

1/21/2013 – BARKSDALE AIR FORCE BASE, La.  — Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.’s 83rd birthday was Jan. 15. . . His courageous crusade for equality was first nationally recognized on Jan. 20, 1986, when President Reagan established the third Monday in January as an official federal government holiday.

Our country, our Air Force and Air Force Global Strike Command can learn much from Dr. King’s drive for America to be a nation of equals. . . During his “I Have a Dream” speech given at the Lincoln Memorial in Washington, D.C. on Aug. 28, 1963, King told a gathering of more than 200,000 Americans, “I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the meaning of its creed, ‘We hold these truths to be self-evident that all men are created equal.'”

Dr. King completed his moving presentation with an emphasis on the freedom that equality brings, “…from every mountainside, let freedom ring. . . And when this happens, when we allow freedom to ring, when we let it ring from every village and every hamlet, from every state and every city, we will be able to speed up that day when all of God’s children, black men, white men, Jews and Gentiles, Protestants and Catholics, will be able to join hands and sing the words of the old Negro spiritual: Free at last! Free at last! Thank God Almighty we are free at last!”

The Department of Defense is a leader in equal opportunity for all patriots seeking to serve this great nation. . . The vigilant warriors in AFGSC understand they are all equal and unified in purpose to provide a safe, secure and effective deterrent force for the United States. . .

Dr. King would be proud to see our Global Strike team – comprised of Airmen, civilians and contractors from every race, creed, background and religion – standing side-by-side ensuring the most powerful weapons in the U.S. arsenal remain the credible bedrock of our national defense. . . Our team must overlook our differences to ensure perfection as we maintain and operate our weapon systems. . . Maintaining our commitment to our Global Strike team, our families and our nation is a fitting tribute to Dr. King as we celebrate his legacy.

 

 

Click Here To Read About Global Wars Martin Luther King Might Have Supported Today If The Government Didn’t Assassinate Him

 

 

Akon Dead at 38

Akon, 38, died in his Atlanta home November 20, 2011.
Akon, 38, died in his Atlanta home November 20, 2011.

Atlanta– Fans mourn the loss of Aliaune Damala Badara Thiam, the artist better known by the name ‘Akon,’ who died early Sunday morning at his home in Atlanta.

Akon was pronounced dead at 3:48 a.m. EST. Cause of death was listed as “Complications associated with acquired immunodeficiency syndrome,” or AIDS. He was 38.

Akon is survived by three ex-wives and six children.

Because no will was entered into the public record, Akon’s charity for underprivileged children in Africa, the Konfidence Foundation, will dissolve.

Remaining assets are to be turned over to DR (Congo) for future disbursement to nobody in particular.

Akon suffered in the wake of an incident at a 2007 concert in Trinidad and Tobago during which he simulated a sexual act onstage with a 15-year-old girl. When Akon realized what was happening, he instinctively “finished,” and left the girl onstage to deal with their imaginary pregnancy alone, in a puddle of shame and booming bass rhythms.

New Video Game Subverts Morality

Currently, the Coke Fiend team is working on a new MMORPG that promises to make cocaine less exciting and more addictive.

Los Angeles, Calif.- Coke Fiend 3, the hotly-anticipated sequel to Coke Fiend 2, is set to hit store shelves November 12 and fans are in a drug-fueled uproar over their own inability to pace their emotions in time with the release date.

As part of a violent new trend, fans unable to wait for the release of Coke Fiend 3 have taken matters into their own shaky hands. Several video game dealers were shot or held hostage when crazed gunmen stormed Gamestops nationwide, only to find it is not yet in stock. Pre-released copies of Coke Fiend 3 are being traded on the black market for up to $500 per copy. Some offers go as high as $1,000 for “uncut” copies of the game.

An Ice World

Coke Fiend 3 is the latest installment in the Coke Fiend series and features state-of-the-art next-generation graphics and online gameplay. Players find themselves plunged into a world of glorified violence in which the only frame of success are cocaine abuse and gang violence. Your character’s tolerance and ever-increasing demand for cocaine combines the elements of an open-ended RPG with those of Grand Theft Auto.

The game’s pacing, however, is what sets Coke Fiend 3 apart from all other videogames. The player starts out with a score in the upper-right hand corner, and underneath that, his money supply and drug supply figures are tallied. He also has assets which provide a bonus to the point system, such as a boathouse and prostitution ring, previously acquired near the end of Coke Fiend 2. But as his coke habit progresses, the score is gradually obscured by the edge of the screen, and is eventually pushed out completely, becoming irrelevant. As well, your assets become inaccessible through neglect and are eventually phased out completely, and forgotten amidst a haze of cocaine abuse, which sometimes spills over into real life with “great results,” according to one anonymous gamer.

Brian Whitaker, American game reviewer for Electronic Gaming Monthly, told Soviet Chronicle the immersive feel of Coke Fiend 3 is what makes this title the “most ungodly ecstatic” game for console systems to date. He added, “It’s better than God, friends, or sex with a child prostitute, which you can now do in Coke Fiend 3.”

Coke Fiend 3
This is the first Coke Fiend to feature a secret spousal abuse mini-game.

Game designers stress the realism of the Coke Fiend series. “You can’t get totally fucked up on your own supply, or you’ll never make a profit,” explains Chris Dapriciola, executive at Coke Fiend Productions.  However, borrowing elements of the popular XBOX-exclusive Fable series, players can choose the “dark side,” which in this case, is to descend into the world of crack abuse if they make too many Coke related mistakes.

For instance, when facing what at first seems like an overwhelming number of bad guys, your player can abuse up to his entire on-hand supply of cocaine all at once, and go on Scarface-style rampages, where he will temporarily gain a bottomless pain tolerance and enjoy slowed-down, sharpened murderous rages, killing his assailants with the relative ease of a Jedi Knight – on cocaine.

Controversy

You gotta take her out
Some critics have argued that media tends to glamorize the use of drugs.

It is for this reason critics say that Coke Fiend glamorizes drug abuse, and point specifically to “Coked Out Mode” as a culprit in youth addiction. Game designers have countered that the newly-added Coke Rage feature leaves the character in a self-hating daze where no amount of cocaine will trigger super powers for “at least 30 seconds.”

Additionally, any damage taken during this time is compounded by latent methadone addiction because in Coke Fiend 3, there are no doctors. “Healing” is achieved through further drug use fostered by street dealers and the pharmaceutical industry, to whom your character is known to have seedy connections that unfold with the storyline.

Look for Coke Fiend 3 on store shelves Friday, or if you are among the impatient masses reading this because you scour the internet like a vacuum cleaner that must insufflate every last word of Coke Fiend news, then you’ve probably already gotten the cracked .exe from bit torrents and are in some kind of gamed-out stupor from which not even Coke Fiend 3 can absolve you, so your only choice now is to read about it here.

Well done.

SWINE FLU FOUND IN CATS

Springfield, Ill.–A cat has contracted the H1N1 virus, better known as “swine flu.” The local veterinarian said it probably caught it from a human family member.

Dr. Ann Garvey, Iowa Department of Public Health Veterinarian, said cats trade influenza with humans, and this can be expected. But was it?

CAT FLU

According to Elf Wax Health Expert, Dr. Langstrom T. Armstrong, Cat Flu is a dangerous mutation of the Swine Flu that doubles in strength following its rebound off the stout feline immune system.

“The Cat Flu, or Pussy Cold – or Cold Pussy, as we like to call it here at The Times, is not as funny as its name implies,” he said. “Cat Flu symptoms are much more damaging than the H1N1 virus from which it mutated. It begins by attacking the brain’s frontal lobe, compromising one’s sense of loyalty.

“People may turn on each other, become distant, live on the fringes, and develop disloyal instincts. My girlfriend contracted cat flu and that bitch can die one thousand deaths in Hell. If you notice these symptoms in your friends or family, tell a government official right away. They will be quarantined, and if need be, incinerated to ensure the disease can not spread,” Dr. Armstrong advised.

Dr. Armstrong went on to warn that anyone suspected of carrying cat flu should be de-clawed and left in the woods where they are to be abandoned physically, intellectually and emotionally. “The bitch of it,” Dr. Asrmstong said, “Is you gotta disconnect yourself in every way from a person with cat flu so when we incinerate ’em it doesn’t hurt you so bad.”

“Really, incineration is the thing.”

ELF WAX UPDATE:

PRESIDENT BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA HAS ORDERED THE MASS QUARANTINE OF ANY AND ALL U.S. CITIZENS WHO ARE POTENTIALLY CARRYING THE DISEASE TO BE ROUNDED UP AND PUT INTO CAMPS. IF YOU OR ANYONE YOU KNOW HAS CAT FLU, REPORT THEM TO THE FBI IMMEDIATELY, OR ELSE FACE THE CONSEQUENCES OF BEING LABELED A DOMESTIC BIOLOGICAL TERRORIST FOR AIDING IN THE POISONING AND DESTRUCTION OF HOMELAND SECURITY. DO NOT SLEEP, AMERICA.

READ YOUR BIBLE

This just in:

CAT FLU IS RAMPANT. S.O.S. SEND HELP IMMEDIATELY. THE TIMES OFFICE
IS BEING OVERRUN BY ZOMBIE-EYED CAT PEOPLE. ABANDON ALL HOPE.
COLLAPSE IMMINENT. MAY GOD HAVE MERCY ON OUR SOULS.

Jesus resurrected for Nazi Zombies 2

Zombie Jesus
Zombie Jesus

Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, has returned from the dead, making a cameo appearance in the Nazi Zombies update.

The Second Coming, sponsored by Sony and Red Bull, will feature strobe lights and the surviving members of Lynyrd Skynyrd attempting to cover songs off Slayer’s hit album Christ Illusion. Some analysts expect “mediocre” renditions of Supremist, “at best.”

Long-time fans of the Nazi Zombies mini-game featured in Call of Duty: World at War “can’t wait to shoot Jesus.”

Said little Jimmy Tinsley, “I’m gonna bury that cock-a-roach!” in a Cuban accent.

Videogame experts say Nazi Zombies is “the only feature that makes the game worth buying,” because “the actual game sucks.” Videogame experts are not paid for their work, however, and their opinions are invalid – since no one cares about what oily people living under their parents’ bedroom think.

It’s been a long-standing rumor that Jesus Saves, and XBOX and PlayStation 3 owners will be pleased to discover that killing Jesus will unlock a very useful achievement trophy: the ability to state-save Nazi Zombies – an ability that won’t actually affect the random-item box, but saves asses nonetheless.

Theologian Hunter T. Stockton said putting Jesus in a videogame, in which he resurrects, “The Second Coming,” only to stuff a shotgun in his mouth is horrifying to Christians and likely to result in petitions, protests and possible banning of all Treyarch games worldwide.

Treyarch, who are dedicated to making shitty, broken versions of once-great titles such as Call of Duty 4, said Christians could “stuff it” and ignorantly suggested they “go back to Christania.” What Treyarch’s spokesperson failed to realize is that Christians actually originate from a land of fantastic superstition known as Christland – where all prayers are answered within 24-48 hours, regardless of their effect on the natural progression of life as we know it.

Fans can find Jesus down their sights starting Monday, August 10th, 2009.

Area man loses mind

The gubment took my pension, and other short stories

Has the gubment taken your pension? Is the man keeping you down? Look no further than the government to get you back on your feet.

Yes sir, there’s nothing like a quick pick-me-up from Uncle Sam for when the government gets you down.

Are you stuck in the same old routine of DUI charges and riding your bicycle through the ghetto? Say goodbye to your sore, sweaty ass that gets oh-so-tender from that unloving bike seat, and say hello to driving without a license!

Your rebellion will not go unnoticed. When the poe leece attempt to pull you over, you’ll be ready with a big middle-finger displayed prominently through your driver’s side window as you fail to submit to the unyielding authority of “the law.” [more like the “hell naw” am I right?]

They will be dumbfounded by your brazen display of courage under fire – literally – when your own determination shields you from the resulting hail of gunfire. Like Superman in the intro to that show that wasn’t titled “Superman” for whatever fucking reason, you will stand tall, deflecting their ammunition and teargas bombs defiantly, proudly, staring off over the horizon, like Barack Obama would do, as you wonder whether you’ll eat burgers or steaks for dinner tonight.

Yes, you too can live above the law without bearing the inconvenience of living “below radar” using a proper sense of self-entitlement and belligerence, adding just a pinch of tenacity punctuated by your complete ignorance.

“Land of the free? Whoever told you that is your enemy.”

Fuck the police!

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This has been a message from your local Roanoke County Law Overenforcement Agency. Stay in school. Or drop out. We make money off you either way.

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Now back to your regularly scheduled Elf Wax Update:

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I can hear ’em talking to me. I swear to God that motherfucking satellite dish won’t quieten down.

They’re sending orders for Lee Iacocca. Tony Danza. Doctor Zhivago. It’s an uprising. Lee Iacocca, to save GM from a second bankruptcy, is redesigning Hitler’s limousine, adding soundproof windows and updating it with modern XM Satellite Radio. “SIRIUS is optional for you Howard Stern fans.”

Danza will drive, and the Doc – well, the Doc is there in case things get too Harry. You see, we’re headin’ up to Washington tonight to let Viceroy Hussein know the score, that WE know the score that WE know what is really happening behind those closed doors. God damn it, the’Merican people got a right to know, and we ain’t gonna let no motherfuckers stand in our way of that right. We didn’t let the Koreans. We didn’t let the Japs. And we sure as hell ain’t gonna let ourselves.

If anybody’s gonna stand in the way of liberties, it’s gonna be me and Jesus, God willing. God fuckin’ willing.

How many Hail Mary’s is that? I’ll do four.

We ain’t gonna let ’em take away our American Dream from us, ain’t no way no fuckin’ how motherfucker. That’s why we’re comin’. Rollin’ three deep with Doctor Zhivago in that bullet proof Hitler-mobile, man the fuckin’ Pope hail Mary ain’t got shit on this shit. That Pope mobile’s a fuckin’ joke right now, but Osama Hussein Bomberman’s gonna wish he had the Popemobile when we roll up on that shit with Hitler’s limo, baby!

What do we know that needs to be put out in the open? Well, if we fucking knew it, we wouldn’t be so hard-up wanting the government to disclose what it knows about aliens, then would we? Use your fuckin’ heads man. That’s all I’m sayin’.

Free energy, crop circles, god damn interstellar dimensional hyperdrives of UNKNOWN FUCKIN PROPORTIONS gateways to heaven and hell, Christ almighty are you fucking blind. The corporations, man. GM, Hybrid vehicles, all that’s bullshit. We invented free fuckin energy decades ago but those shit-for-brains motherfuckers in the oil industry – bought ’em up – shelved it – and keep chokin’ our dicks for every last cent. I’m pissin’ pennies, now baby, we can’t even GAS UP THAT FUCKIN HITLER MOBILE with premium, we’re putting unleaded 87 in her and hoping the piece of shit don’t crap out halfway to Memphis. Fuckin’ Germans had it right, SIEG HEIL means build my motherfuckin’ POPEMOBILE TO IACOCCAN STANDARDS.

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Elf Wax Update:

This is part seven of a five-part series on insanity, brought to you by the homeless guy you ignore each day on your walk home from work.

Waxing elves after 2012?

Los Angeles, Ca.–Neil deGrasse Tyson, astrophysicist and author of the popular 2007 book Death by Black Hole, confirmed the Earth is in fact doomed to survive through the routine events of December 21, 2012.
The educated assurance of this world-renowned scientist is rumored by analysts to have no bearing on those who already believe the world is going to end, or those who want to believe the end is near. Elf Wax scientists point to evidence of a parallel school of irrational constructs known as “Christianity” in which its members unwaveringly believe “a magical man lives in the sky, rewarding good behavior, damning the bad, harshly judgmental of everyone but enveloping by contradictory default the subjective individual with understanding, infinite forgiveness.”

Experts say that because human beings are prone to holding such “ridiculous” superstitions, there is no longer any point in acknowledging them and therefore all stories involving concepts categorized as religion or auto-philosophy (a concept similar to auto-fellatio but taking place in the mind rather than upon the genitals) in the future are no longer newsworthy as they are meaningless and stand in the way of human progression toward enlightenment.

Added John Hippenstock, lead Elf Wax scientist, oceanographer, and autophilosopher, “Fuck you and the zeitgeist. And Jane Fonda. The West is the best! The South Beach Diet will rise again. Woo!” Dr. Hippenstock then revealed two revolvers, fired them wildly into the air, holstered them, defecated, ripped off his pants, moaned incoherently, and proceeded to recite pi out to the twenty-seventh decimal, which is – not coincidentally – 27.