Anonymous Smashes Bank of America contractor TEKSystems

Bank of America is Anonymous

INTERNET — Early Monday morning, the loosely knit collective of teenagers known as Anonymous was able to string together enough sentences to “kinda” make a press release for one of their greatest achievements since not hacking Stratfor: Releasing the data of Bank of America defense contractor, TEKSystems.

AnonForecast, current leader of the Legion sector of Anonymous, is likely the one who carried out this operation, considering everything revolves around him somehow.

The release comes as a shock to the intelligence  hacker and activist communities alike, as we begin to peel back the layers and realize that everything posted on a Pastebin or tweeted is, in fact, true. Shockingly enough, it’s quite possible that everything ever posted on the internet could be true, says fabled neck-beard Richard Stallman, “We are at time where information has become so compressed, so fluid, like the thoughts of a child, the flap of a butterflies wings or the ripples in still water, that it’s impossible to write anything fallacious on the internet.”

As we all know, Stallman, in recent years, began developing his own religion on his completely open-source laptop made by Chinese children, so he cannot be lying.

Josh the God just doesn’t give a fuck.

Hosted on Anonymous’ very own leak platform Par-AnoiA.net, the dump has a list of keywords that one could only assume are used by TEKSystems’ advanced spider bot detection system. Many activists were elated to find their names embedded in the list, most notably: megalomaniac hacker Jacob Appelbaum. He waxed Monday, amid defamatory shouts calling him a plagiarist and phony: “This is something I would have never expected, citizens spying upon citizens. The panopticon grows, but I’m glad I got name-dropped.”

While the leak is riddled with irrefutable truths, one group in particular is doxed turbo hard from information gleaned from Pastebin: UGNazi. Fabled hacker, carder and Nazi @JoshTheGod is named as Josh Mendez, a.k.a. Blake Bronstad, which we all know as true considering he was arrested in 2012 under the obvious alias “Mir Islam.”

Stratfor isn’t the only private contractor news publication on lots and lots of Xanex.

Cosmo is also named in the Pastebin, which of course is correct, because who’s to argue since his name was never released to the public due to his minor status.

In their teaser file, Anonymous highlights some really fantastic nostalgia that reminds us all about the days of yore, when people said “lulz” and HBGary took to the IRCs to stick it to Anonymous. This lovely, readable word salad would make Aaron Barr’s hiking boots swelter, as if his loins were moistening at the sight of “t-asshurtmacfags” breasts.

Noted activist, speed walker and writer Kenneth Lipp gets fingered as the great @Jackal[Anon], a.k.a. @YourAnonNews, the ringleader of Anonymous. How can one confirm this? Simply visit the Wikipedia rival site encyclopediadramatica.se’s entry on JackalAnon and see for yourself. Confirmed.

All in all, this release is nothing more than the Stratfor leak on a handful of xannie bars. However it does highlight the accuracies of what one could only identify as the greatest intelligence source of all time: Pastebin.

Meet the Craziest “Leader” of Anonymous, John Tiessen

John Tiessen repeatedly accused my favorite literary character, Kurt Vonnegut’s Kilgore Trout, of child molestation. Mr. Tiessen also made overt threats of physical violence and nuisance litigation (accompanied by veiled threats of violence in the courthouse) towards this fictional character, whom I love, so I made this video with Mr. Tiessen’s “greatest hits.”

In one of these threat-laden pedo-accusation videos targeting Kilgore Trout, Mr. Tiessen received news of his uncle’s death. His telephone ringer was a police siren, and after a short eulogy, he returned to the overt threats and Kilgore Trout pedophilia-talk.

John Tiessen worshipped Barrett Brown and emulated his bathtub Tinychat wine session, substituting a glass of orange juice for Brown’s red wine. Immediately following the arrest of Barrett Brown, Tiessen threatened the CIA, FBI and DHS in a sweeping rebuke of authorities who are all afraid of the “big ol’ surprise [he] got waitin’ for ye.” Brown was arrested for threatening an FBI agent’s children on September 11.

The Anti-Leader’s handbook is a satirical work of fiction I authored parodying the type of people who like to preach to Anonymous.

I’ve received a lot of strange responses to this work, some more horrifying than others, but John Tiessen’s psychosis was definitely the most chilling. I made an agreement with John to end these kinds of activities, and months later he posted a defamatory comment to this glorious and infallible publication attacking the ethical hacking professor Sam Bowne — recently interviewed by my co-editor-in-chief Tyler Bass — with pedophilia accusations, simply because he disagreed with Bowne’s logical, cool-headed critique of Anonymous.

John Tiessen rose to fame within Anonymous by slandering the conservative “ex-military” hacker th3j35t3r, a “patriot” who temporarily shuts down violent Jihadist forums.

The Anti-Leader’s handbook can ONLY be found hosted on the gloriously advanced quantum servers in The Extant Soviet Union of Remnant States (ESURS).

Aaron Swartz was Murdered

Aaron Swartz killed himself after the sudden realization he was a "macfag."
Murderers of Aaron Swartz tried to disguise his death as a suicide.

NEW YORK — After reports of Aaron Swartz’s apparent suicide circulated around the Internet this weekend, investigators found evidence of foul play. A former architect of Reddit, the online forum scandalized earlier this year by child pornography and “creepshots,” Aaron Swartz was widely known for his contributions to anti-copyright activism after stealing millions of files from MIT.

Hackers from Anonymous released a statement on Sunday, “Heavy-handed prosecutors raped the beautiful mind of Aaron Swartz. He later ‘killed himself.’ Are the draconian copyright laws selectively applied to those who threaten the inertia of entrenched power? Certainly. Will they use their sockpuppets and judicial torture system to make YOU kill yourself too? Of course. Will they kill you if you go too far?”

Chronicle Reporters also questioned Julian Assange, sick from months of exile in the Ecuadorean embassy, about the death of Aaron Swartz. “I am not convinced that Aaron Swartz was such a coward he committed suicide due to fear of prison,” said Mr. Assange. “Read his words, and decide for yourself, but I believe Swartz was murdered by a team of copyright assassins who made it all look like a simple suicide. Watch what you say, or you may end up like Aaron Swartz.”

Swartz gave a talk in 2008, mentioning his intention to ” download scientific journals and upload them to file sharing networks.”

Information is power. But like all power, there are those who want to keep it for themselves. The world’s entire scientific and cultural heritage, published over centuries in books and journals, is increasingly being digitized and locked up by a handful of private corporations. Want to read the papers featuring the most famous results of the sciences? You’ll need to send enormous amounts to publishers like Reed Elsevier.

There are those struggling to change this. The Open Access Movement has fought valiantly to ensure that scientists do not sign their copyrights away but instead ensure their work is published on the Internet, under terms that allow anyone to access it. But even under the best scenarios, their work will only apply to things published in the future. Everything up until now will have been lost.

That is too high a price to pay. Forcing academics to pay money to read the work of their colleagues? Scanning entire libraries but only allowing the folks at Google to read them? Providing scientific articles to those at elite universities in the First World, but not to children in the Global South? It’s outrageous and unacceptable.

“I agree,” many say, “but what can we do? The companies hold the copyrights, they make enormous amounts of money by charging for access, and it’s perfectly legal — there’s nothing we can do to stop them.” But there is something we can, something that’s already being done: we can fight back.

Those with access to these resources — students, librarians, scientists — you have been given a privilege. You get to feed at this banquet of knowledge while the rest of the world is locked out. But you need not — indeed, morally, you cannot — keep this privilege for yourselves. You have a duty to share it with the world. And you have: trading passwords with colleagues, filling download requests for friends.

Meanwhile, those who have been locked out are not standing idly by. You have been sneaking through holes and climbing over fences, liberating the information locked up by the publishers and sharing them with your friends.

But all of this action goes on in the dark, hidden underground. It’s called stealing or piracy, as if sharing a wealth of knowledge were the moral equivalent of plundering a ship and murdering its crew. But sharing isn’t immoral — it’s a moral imperative. Only those blinded by greed would refuse to let a friend make a copy.

Large corporations, of course, are blinded by greed. The laws under which they operate require it — their shareholders would revolt at anything less. And the politicians they have bought off back them, passing laws giving them the exclusive power to decide who can make copies.

There is no justice in following unjust laws. It’s time to come into the light and, in the grand tradition of civil disobedience, declare our opposition to this private theft of public culture.

We need to take information, wherever it is stored, make our copies and share them with the world. We need to take stuff that’s out of copyright and add it to the archive. We need to buy secret databases and put them on the Web. We need to download scientific journals and upload them to file sharing networks. We need to fight for Guerilla Open Access.

With enough of us, around the world, we’ll not just send a strong message opposing the privatization of knowledge — we’ll make it a thing of the past. Will you join us?

Aaron Swartz
July 2008, Eremo, Italy

Rapist Speaks Out In Support Of A Delusional Barrett Brown

“We are the pee-pool,” says Tiessen.

Internet legend John Tiessen spoke in defiance of IRC bans and IRL double trouble Barrett “The Wild One” Brown Monday. During his Internet podcast, Tiessen once again decried the rats amongst us, referring to undercover agents at Occupy meetings, and outlined the divide and conquer mentality of government opposition, referencing Sun Tzu’s Art of War.

Barrett Brown is in police custody after threatening the children of federal agents.

Tiessen quietly yelled to his audience of no one, “We’re rootin’ for Barrett Brown to get out of jail, and we’re fuckin’ protesting against that. They say they’re protestin’ against them but they’re not – they’re tryin’ to stop it. They’re tryin’ to stop the movement and they’re winning. They’re winning and people are listening to ’em. We are the pee-pool! We are the pee-pool!”

As something resembling emotions rose up within him, Tiessen got carried away with himself and, remembering why Brown, on whose behalf Tiessen is speaking, was arrested, corrected himself midstream: “We have our minds and we’re going to do what we want to do. If we want to take down the feds– if there’s five people that want to take down the feds . . . they’re gonna do it, leave ’em alone!”

Tiessen concluded by encouraging his presumably sleeping audience to “wake the fuck up.”

The following is funnier than anything we could possibly write ourselves

Geo leaves chronicle again as Kilgore insults favorite author

Geo Gillenhall, abandonment enthusiast, left chronicle.su again Tuesday after Kilgore Trout insulted his favorite drug abusing author, the legendary Hunter S. Thompson, famed author of Fear and Loathing on the Campaign Trail 1972 and Hell’s Angels – the book that got his ass beat.

Upon learning the news, Kilgore Trout pronounced all sacred cows sacrificed – especially Geo, who is given up for sacrifice on a routine basis, beyond comedy, beyond usefulness, beyond what attention he might even reasonably be owed, which is already nothing. It’s just senseless, really.

The roulette wheel, if it spins, could slip any number of sacred icons into the proverbial gallows: Charles Manson, perhaps, or Media Mogul Rupert Murdoch – or even Topiary.

A ghastly apparition spawned within your heart and exited through your eyes, heating your face along the way. Hot with rage, your butthole tightens at the mere possibility of reading something negative about Lil’ Bitty Topiary, the sacred jewel of the butthurt 99% Fagsec and Fucksec, Childmolestersec, Freesec, Sucksec and Dickseck anonymous.

Sweet Lord Baby Jesus have mercy and cast no furtive eye upon the innocent and holy and non-credit card-mining Topiary of LulzSec Heavenly Christ.

Geo is scheduled to silently return by the end of tomorrow’s article, unless something comes up like the screening of Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas at his religious bible study school independent film group, to which he does not belong because extracurricular activities are for fags and Geo’s a winner.

Where da weed @

TH3J35T3R steals credit for UGNazi fuck-up

Manhattan– The internet police monitored the illicit activities of “hacker” Mir Islam in order to effectively establish undercover agents in his midst. Hilariously, an agent brought him an FBI-issue credit card pre-loaded with OMG DON’T TOUCH THAT MONEY funds. The agent said it was a counterfeit credit card pre-programmed with legitimately stolen credit card numbers. Islam – being a lazy, ignorant bastard – believed what the federal agent told him and was subsequently arrested after he tried to use it. Somehow, the jester is taking credit for this.

The FBI:

Mir Islam, a.k.a. “JoshTheGod,” trafficked in stolen credit card information and possessed information for more than 50,000 credit cards. Islam also held himself out as a member of “UGNazi,” a hacking group that has claimed credit for numerous recent online hacks, and as a founder of “Carders.Org,” a carding forum on the internet.

Last night, Islam met in Manhattan with an individual he believed to be a fellow carder – but who, in fact, was an undercover FBI agent – to accept delivery of what Islam believed were counterfeit credit cards encoded with stolen credit card information. Islam was placed under arrest after he attempted to withdraw illicit proceeds from an ATM using one of the cards.

Today, the FBI seized the web server for UGNazi.com and seized the domain name of Carders.org, taking both sites offline.

FBI Takedown by the Numbers
Source: FBI

In May, UGNazi’s supposed identity was revealed; however, exposure did not deter attacks on things th3j35t3r loves, which did not necessarily piss off law enforcement agencies, either.

Nor did it prevent him from going on the record about the Six Flags attack in his passive accent and limiting high school alpha male persona.

Pointless slapfighting ensued and, with the exception of rustling Roseanne Barr’s jimmies, nothing really got accomplished until today, when agents on federal payroll did their jobs proving once again that a college education and eight hour workday are all you really need to protect what’s left of a restless, decaying society.

Geo quits again

THE INTERNET – Geo’s newest Chronicle Career took a turn for the worst Saturday after the 17-year-old PS3 addicted college dropout decided once and for all, again, that his beloved Internet newspaper has gone astray.

“I thought you guys were back on the right track after [redacted]’s article about [redacted], but with every celebrity death hoax you spawn out of boredom, my faith in you is just a little bit more eroded.”

Let me show you how it’s done:

[chronicle.su article by geo himself]

Up and coming stoner critic salutes self righteous indignation

I’m geohotz. Anonymous hacked Sony and later, the government. I think they are onto us, by the way dude, just to let you know. Smoke weed erryday niqqas you kno how I do, keyboard warriors represent 2012.

[EDITOR’S NOTE: this is actual copy written by Geo] when i first stumbled upon this site thanks to the hacking of the playstation network, i thought i had found a group of people with similar ideas and morals who had wisdom beyond mine they could pass on to me.
for awhile, that was true. and then later i was like no.
it dawned on me around the time of the Akon article that I knew far less about these individuals than I had thought. but i still knew they were so much better than me
While i still believe Brutus had somewhat good intentions in this endevoar, I can’t say the same for you Trout, you disgusting motherfucker. Even though Brutus wrote the Akon article. I’m still not sure about him. Hm. Wonder if he’s gay?

Dead soldier
Look at these dead and faggot soldiers. I bet he got his little dick blown off by an IED planted in a child's vagina. lol we're fighting three wars, and two in space.

And that’s why the chronicle sucks and I’m outta here. And I’m never coming back.

[comes back]

State of the Internet address

People can’t really do anything meaningful without the media labeling it. People can’t have a loud enough voice without being labeled a “spokesperson.” (see: Bob Dylan of the 1960s)

See also: Moralfag Anonymous decidedly fucked

Identifying every single thing that happens with a keyword destroys any value it might have accrued on an Internet flooded with “news” blogs whose sole purpose is to sell advertising space. We should know. Look to the right –>

anonymous
Alex Jones stole this to use at disinfo.org

You can’t find an informative, well-written article about something anymore because it has been totally buried by ignorance, or worse – pure disinformation – contained in forty five thousand pages “optimized” for search engines.

The spread of information doesn’t know the difference between right and wrong. A poisonous ideology will often spread faster than a useful one. For example, the idea that Anonymous, by its very “nature,” can’t be corrupted was so absurd, we just had to report on it. Remember Sabu? Arrested June 7th: Check ’em.

“It’s become an awful disease.”

Kilgore Trout, legendary inventor of Anon Porn, now known as “Sexy Fawkes”

As a satire site, the chronicle.su is compelled to produce disinformation culture faster than society can arrive at it naturally, just to prove that it’s possible, just because we can.

So, keep at it Internet. We’re always right behind you . . . or a step ahead of you.

Frank Mason
Editor, chronicle.su

Rhode Island State Representative Dan Gordon’s cell phone hacked

Representative Dan Gordon's dog photos have been liberated. Transparency for all.

Lone-wolf astroturf hacktivist th3j35t3r recently placed a malicious QR code as his avatar. This image, once scanned by a smart phone, forwarded users to a web site designed to exploit a vulnerability in the Android operating system. Th3j35t3r gained backdoor access to hundreds and possibly thousands of his followers’ cell phones. Among those hacked was Rhode Island State Representative Dan Gordon who is known for his controversial support of Anonymous, lies about his service in the military, and a criminal record which was not disclosed at any point during his campaign. Gordon, a Republican, has already been completely ostracized by his own party, and this invasive attack from America’s most prominent vigilante conservative hacker is more salt in the wound.

Representative Gordon has been criticized for allegedly soliciting Anonymous for hacks, lashing out with abusive language, and quickly deleting tweets when confronted. He has not faced charges under Stolen Valor even though the claim he was injured in Iraq has been refuted by military documents. Gordon has accused his detractors of manufacturing some of the allegedly deleted messages and says he does not have the resources to sue reporters who he alleges have lied about his military service.

After winning his election, Representative Gordon was arrested under charges filed several years earlier in Massachusetts which were also not disclosed during his campaign. Continuous abusive language, even targeting a local high-school sexuality awareness group, led to Gordon’s de facto expulsion from the Republican Party. Since then, he has swung wildly to the left, associating with anarchist cyberwarriors and computer hackers.

OFFICIAL ANONYMOUS COMMUNICATION FROM SABU

Comrades,

I have received the first communication from Sabu since the twisted story about him being a snitch was published by Fox News. As it turns out, Sabu purposefully got himself V&, in hopes that this day would come, fully knowing the way that the Government would try to smear him. But we are Anonymous and we will always find the truth. Tonight, Sabu delivered me the truth.

The FBI was dealt a mortal blow as Sabu used his FBI connections to hack Stratfor and save the world. Sabu knew that the FBI would team up with Fox News to tell us all the lie that he was a rat, but he thought ahead. All those angry rants against snitches? You got it, that was a code. It meant, “I was working as a triple agent every step of the way!” How fucking Genius of Sabu, to purposefully get himself v&! ALL the documents from the FBI are falsified and the testimonials of him getting arrested and claiming to be an FBI agent is yet another fabrication in this extremely convoluted but all-to-plausible scenario. The coup de grace is Stratfor, which could have never been attained had Sabu not infiltrated the FBI as he did. When Sabu’s court day comes you can be sure it will be under Terrorism NDAA guidelines and no one will even see Sabu make the OUTRAGEOUS claim that he actually infiltrated the FBI and then the government, as usual, will enforce a TOTAL MEDIA BLACKOUT on this story so no one knows how great Sabu really was.

Sabu Saved the World by Outing Stratfor.

NEVER BELIEVE THE FBI

NEVER BELIEVE FOX NEWS

ALWAYS BELIEVE IN ANONYMOUS

WE ARE SAVING THE WORLD

WE DO NOT FORGIVE

WE KINDA FORGOT ABOUT JESSIE SLAUGHTER

IS THIS ALL SOME SICK JOKE???

ANOTHER MEME TURNED UNFUNNY???

OH GOD, OH GOD!!!!!!

THIS POLITICAL MOVEMENT IS JUST… ITS ONLY…. LIKE MILHOUSE ON REDDIT MAKING JOKES ABOUT RICK SANTORUM

EXPECT US