Ascend, Eagle

Patriotic American

My president is my president.

He tucks me in. He kisses me goodnight. He loves me for me.

He knows that I struggle. He knows that even though I may gamble away this weeks wages, it does not mean that I do not love my children. He takes the smallest of cuts, just to make sure my children have a future.

My president knows the importance of health. He cares about my well-being. He cares enough to provide me with binders of options for adequate coverage.

My president understands that I have friends. He knows my friends are people. Walmart, GE, Nestle—my pres defends my friends, making sure their rights are there.

My president is not black. My president is not white. My president is my president.

He told me a story:

A Latino man
saw something, said something.
He took actions into his own hands.
The bandit fled leaving a rainbow trail
our Man stood his ground. Stand!
Stop! the man called out to no avail.
He did the right thing, with a conscience to bear:
He shot thrice, God weeps.
Bang.
Bang.
Bang.
Goodnight, Trayvon, sleep.

My president. My president.

Barack Hussein Obama cries for his nation

ROMNEY USES COCAINE; American People to Romney Campaign: Go For The Nostrils!

DENVER, COLO. — Americans were excited today about reports deep within the bowels of the Romney campaign that the former Massachusetts governor is ready to go after President Obama’s use of marawana and cocaine as a teenager.

“I mean, this is a guy who admitted to cocaine use,” says a Romney adviser to Buzzfeed, “had a sweetheart deal with his house in Chicago, and was associated and worked with Rod Blagojevich to get Valerie Jarrett appointed to the Senate,” adding, “The bottom line is there’ll be counterattacks.”

President Obama has made a point of discussing his own history of using cocaine, which he refers to by its crass street name of “blow;” as well as his inhaling the vapours of the ever-popular devil weed itself. His popular autobiography, “The Audacity of Hope,” whose sales are his primary source of income — second only to “cash money” reportedly obtained selling automatic firearms to Mexican drug cartels — is a book basically about how the 44th president of the United States loved using drugs. President Obama has met desperate, repeated online pleas he legalize recreational cannabis use with guffaws and denials that he would act to liberate from a kyriarchy the American people, now arbitrarily incarcerated at rates unrivaled in the developed world.

Despite many reports, including out of Forbes magazine, that Portugal’s drug legalization policy has decimated that country’s drug abuse, Gil Kerlikowski, head of the Office of National Drug Control Policy, has stated that legalization does not combat the ills of illicit drug use. And last month, before Congress, the head of the Drug Enforcement Agency, Michele Leonhart, reiterated her administration’s commitment to utter hysteria and lack of focus on a public health crisis.

Before finally admitting, after much pressure, that heroin was more addictive than cannabis, Ms. Leonhart first characterized the matter of whether heroin is worse for an individual’s health than cannabis as “subjective.” This admission followed deliberately dishonest exchanges with Democratic Representative Jared Polis of Colorado:

REPRESENTATIVE JARED POLIS (D-CO): Is crack [a street name for free-based cocaine – ed] worse for a person than marijuana?

MICHELE LEONHART: I believe all illegal drugs are bad.

REP. POLIS: Is methamphetamine worse for somebody’s health than marijuana?

MS. LEONHART: I don’t think any illegal drug is good for —

REP. POLIS: Is heroin worse for someone’s health than marijuana?

MS. LEONHART: Again, all [sic] the drugs, they are illegal.

The administration’s enforcement strategies square well with the Romney campaign’s assessment of the president pro-drug attitudes, the unmistakable products of hedonistic, if-it-feels-good-do-it ’60s culture. Meanwhile the deputy director of NORML, a shady druggie front group, longs for the good old days under President George Bush when Californian sludge distributors operating under the guise of “medical clinics” “helping people in pain” could operate with relative impunity, writing this week, “Many of California’s most prominent and well-respected medical cannabis dispensaries and related facilities — including Oaksterdam University, Berkeley Patients Group, and Harborside Health Center (HHC) — flourished under the George W. Bush administration. But they’ll be lucky to survive President Barack Obama’s first term.”

Medical health professionals consulted off-the-record by The Internet Chronicle speculate that President Obama’s laser obsession with his administration’s present drug enforcement strategies is likely the result of the delusion and vigor associated, they say, “unmistakably” with cocaine psychosis.

After bragging to high school students in December of 2007 about how cool drugs are, then Senator Obama became the focus of the popular prohibitionist scrutiny. Obama’s candor with students came on the heels of the leak of an audiotape of President George W. Bush citing a responsibility to America’s youth to prevaricate about his own drug use — not to protect his own career, of course, but to shield them from the enormous influence the president of the United States has had on American teenagers since the Founding Fathers.

Years ago the Romney campaign pounced on the opportunity to praise President Bush’s bold, private confession to smoking weed. Mr. Romney said then, “He said when he was young and irresponsible, he was young and irresponsible, and he left it at that. And I think that in order to leave the best possible example for our kids, we’re probably wisest not to talk about our own indiscretions in great detail.”

Mr. Romney’s strategy is “simple yet elegant,” says Political Science Professor Alan Abramowitz of Emory University, adding, “It allows the candidate to bask in the veneer of family values while remaining duplicitous about that bottle of Coca-Cola he is rumored to have enjoyed, covertly, while on missionary work in France on behalf of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.”

God damn internet

Internet. You give me a lot of problems. But mostly you just give me solutions. Actually more problems.

Number one, I do not know what to masturbate to – you are just so full of surprises!

Number two, I can’t trust Wikipedia. Anybody can edit that shit! Come on now! That’s got to make it the worst source of reliable information since Pepsi’s homepage.

Lol_Internets

Number three, Google. WHAT THE FUCK YOU CONTROL INFORMATION, WAY TO GO. You are the Wal-Mart of the Internet.

Number four, Net Neutrality. You are the single most stressful term about the internet. I’d die protecting you, if I didn’t know you’d still be sold right out from underneath us, destroying freedom of speech and free enterprise as we know it.

Number five, you’ve changed the news. Like porn, you used to have to pay for the news in some way – even if it was just an advertisement on TV. Now, you don’t have to pay for shit. Way to go, internet. I won’t have a job after I graduate. But what the fuck do you care? With each keystroke, I’ve done a little more work for you – for free.

fuck-off-smokers

Number six – I just heard Barack Obama can take control over the entire internet in the event of a “data emergency” – Obama can privately Google himself in the dark now. He will start a blog about something that matters a lot to him. Or just look at porn. Note: this came from FOX News, so it is probably true. I did zero fact-checking for your convenience.

Number seven – you’ve dissolved friendships using fakebook and myplace. I have to commend you for this. I thought I’d never be able to keep an endless supply-chain of excuses going not to hang out with “friends.” Now that we’re always friends no matter what I do, I can ignore them forever and die alone! Just the way you told me I always wanted it.

Number eight – How in the Lord Fuck am I supposed to turn my back on you knowing you hold the entire wealth of collective human knowledge? I once stayed on the internet for four days, tripping on morning glory seeds and reading desperately about String Theory, believing I was looking God in the eye. Now, I can only live out my day-to-day “sunshine” life knowing that I’ve turned my back on the source of all things known so I can make pizzas, rent movies, and park old rich fuckers’ cars. I’m sorry Internet. I didn’t intend on having a real life. I promise to quit a job for you one day.

Number nine – youtube – what’s with the copyright bullshit? How long are we going to pretend like China doesn’t get away with piracy 1,000 times per second?

Which leads me to number ten: BIT TORRENTS!!! SWEET JESUS I BET THE SUPREME COURT WISHES THEY NEVER FUCKED WITH NAPSTER! TV shows, entire albums, fuck – whole discographies – of any band, whether they suck or not, are there for the taking. If Bit Torrent was a store at the mall, a mall that also had a GameStop, Best Buy, SunCoast Videos (or whatever that video store is called), and an adult book store, the Bit Torrent would act as a black hole and just fucking consume those wussy “capitalist ventures” in the name of EVERYBODY TAKE THIS SHIT BECAUSE IT’S FREE AND ONLY CHUMPS AND DUDES IN BANDS PAY FOR IT. “Support live music” is totally my thing. But I’ll download your album, if you just promise to come back to my city next year so I can pay to meet you. I don’t buy CDs. That’s for people who still watch MTV. Although I did buy that sweet stereoscopic Tool album. Great driving music! The whole album is listenable.

486px-Fuck_copyright.svg

And finally The Elf Wax Times – it’s got to be the best thing since marijuana, our top keyword. This place means more to me than season 22 of the Simpsons. Funnier than Nickelodeon’s “Doug.” Twice as entertaining as a new Law and Order. More culturally relevant than Monica Lewinski. More up to date than Weenus, Incorporated. Better than you. And huffing paint since 2008. FUCK YEAH GOLD BLING BLING – TASTE HEAVEN!

Staff Writer - Elf Wax Times
Staff Writer - Elf Wax Times

So fuck you, Internet. I have to be awake in three hours. Plus I’m drunk. Fuck you internet. You don’t understand me. Your whole operation is fuck you internet! I will kill you. After Hussein Backara shuts you down, I will choke you to death in a field. Stupid internet.

Google Elf Wax. Click “fuck you.” It’s gotta be an option there somewhere.

Why Hussein Is Fucking America

As we all know, Barack Hussein Obama has purposefully begun his career by attacking America’s core values and principles with his decree to allow baby-killings, gay marriages, and practice of Islam. This all makes sense insofar as Hussein is a leftist hippie freak who believes in Marxism, a synonym for evil. However, as an alleged American citizen, one would expect his destructive economic policies to be in conflict with his own ambition to rule the entire world. This is a very tough question posing itself in the mind of true Americans who voted for Sarah Palin. Why would you destroy your own seat of power, Hussein?

Well, I found a few answers on the Cavalcade of Conflictedness that were really helpful, but they do bear a little supplement. All these quotes are copywright Liz Smith, and will quickly be detected as plagiarism by Copyscape, even though they are credited quotes of public statements.

“He wants to kill the old people and have all the rest of us die like shoeless beggars in Africa with his useless UNIVERSAL HEALTH CARE PLAN” -LIZ SMITH

In Hussein’s mind, it is not fair that only Africans should die this way, America must be on equal footing with the third world. Because we have ignored the problems of peoples in the third world, Hussein wishes to punish us with the poor health care that the shoeless beggars he sprung from receive.

“He wants to roll out the welcome mat for the terrorists by reducing spending to protect our borders and ports.” -LIZ SMITH

Hussein knows a thing or two about power gathering. If he wants to really rule the world, what he needs is another 9/11. Hussein doesn’t mind if a few million people die to an atomic bombing, so long as he gets to rule the world. Additionally, everyone knows Hussein is a sympathizer for the terrorists and probably an agent for Al-Qaeda.

“He is going to destroy the economy further by micromanaging the auto and energy industries to advance the radical agenda of these lying “green” Nazis.” -LIZ SMITH

Hussein’s original plan to expropriate these industries for massive government profit has totally failed. Hussein has only been able to buy out majority shares in the auto industry without receiving any new kind of control at all. In a genius Public-Relations move, Hussein fired the manager of General Motors and changed nothing at all. Taking a page from Hussein’s playbook, his rival for world domination has publicly humiliated the chief Aluminum Oligarch of Russia. Putin has made a bold move by keeping the status quo even more intact, while scoring a Public-Relations grand slam. Vladimir Putin is such an awesome dude. The lying “Green” Nazis have been too busy gassing jews with poisons taken from America’s streambeds and riverbanks to comment for the Elf Wax Times. Our sources say the “Green” Nazis and Islamofascist Nazis have joined forces and are planning an imminent attack.

“Bailouts and gross spending of money that America does not have. He wants to break the backs of Americans for the next 75 years.” -LIZ SMITH

Poor people are easier to control when you’re taking over the world, and the quickest way to make people poor is to spend lots of money on them. This effectively makes money a worthless commodity that no one values and leads to communes full of hippies that support themselves in every way. These communes may be a part of Hussein’s plan to create terrorist camps right here in the United States. These camps will be answerable to Hussein’s hippie terrorist Czar, Bill Ayers.

The last reason, but not the least of reasons-in fact it’s the only reason that is clearly stated without the supplement I have provided-I have already explained. Vladimir Putin is a badass and Hussein wants in on it. Liz Smith might think this is idiotic, but I admire Hussein for his rabid ambition and hope he takes over the entire world within my lifetime.

“Fascism and Big Government looks cool to him…what an idiot.” – LIZ SMITH


Big government doesn’t look cool? Don’t say that to his face.