Project Persona Management: The life and trials of failed Anonymous Leader Barry Brown

Barrett Brown called the chronicle.su to express his enthusiasm for Weev's fundraising campaign.

The Wonder Years

Barry kept a picture of Ayn Rand in his copy of Atlas Shrugged, which he read and reread, using the photo both as a masturbation aid and as a bookmark.

“Barry” his mother called from the kitchen, “Your flight for the safari is in two hours, are you packed and ready to go?”

He grunted and beat his dick harder, jizzing on the photo of his sweet Ayn, reflexively uploading the product to 4chan.

“Yeah mom, I’m ready! I can’t wait to shoot me some African white Rhino! The only thing I HATE more than rhinos are FBI FAGGOTS!”

Barry’s father boomed laughter, “Atta boy!”

“Hitler Had Plans”

“You think hunting rare and endangered species across the African savannah was easy?” Brown puffed out his chest. “Check your privileges, faggot. We got a world to save, and we’re starting in Tunisia. We’ll call it Arab Spring. Get the Jester on the line. He’ll definitely want in on this AfroMuslim hate party.”

The Jester appeared in the Project PM chat room and said, “There’s an equal amount of good an evil and sometimes you gotta judge. I think there’s good here … sometimes. What can I do Barry?”

Barry laid it out plain and simple, “Get a video of a man burning himself and put the hate on Mo’mar Gaddafi. We’re gonna do a little regime change, ya dig?”

“Sure. It’s a rock and roll fantasy. Stay frosty.” The Jester logged out, and government computers across Tunisia started going offline. The video of a street vendor burning himself went viral seconds after Jester engaged the US government’s top secret Perosna Management software and fed its control panel into Barry Brown’s personal netbook. The revolution was on.

He slammed a spike that would kill any normal hardcore addict and settled into the Persona Manager Interface like he’d done so many times before. He choked on some vomit brought forth not from the purified government heroin rush, but from the similarly purified power of the most sophisticated propaganda apparatus ever created. Everything was so post-cyberpunk, he thought, especially the Waylon Jennings crooning, “I don’t think Hank done ’em that way.”


 

“You heard me. Hack his shit, fuck up their site. I don’t give a fuck about those fucking faggots.” Barry inhaled the e-cig until his head felt like a helium balloon. “God dammit!” He was typing furiously into the highest echelon Anonymous backchannel, where the most experienced hackers and leaders in the world congregated to fight for freedom. Ryan Cleary told him it wasn’t going to be easy. Jester had long ago disappeared, taking with him all access to Persona Management. Barry was left with only words, now, and they weren’t working.

Jeremy Hammond shook his head at his laptop and scowled. He loved Chronicle.su but he didn’t say anything in the open. No one in Anonymous could admit that. He pm’d the other members of Anonymous, getting the word out that no one in Anonymous who hacked anything for Barry Brown was going to be tolerated. There was a rat infestation and he was thinking Sabu and Barry were in on it together, which meant very bad things, but he couldn’t just go run his mouth until he knew more.

The hackers weren’t listening to Barry anymore, and Chronicle.su was fucking with him. This would be the last time. He would pull the atomic option, maybe kill a couple cops. His face twisted into a grim half-smile at that thought. Like an Egyptian pharaoh with two FBI side arms at my side.” He tweeted this and grinned from ear to ear, showing teeth to nobody. “Take that, Robert Smith! Take that Chronicle.su.” He began crushing his Suboxone and preparing it in a solution of alcohol for injection. As soon as the weak rush hit, he stood bolt upright, scowling and waving his arms, dreaming of the old days of the military grade heroin, and not this welfare state bullshit.

Barry dm’d Sabu without encryption of any kind, “I’m crossing the Rubicon.” Stepping out onto his porch, Barry thought of Hitler and grew a little hard. He pointed the camera at himself and pressed record. All was going just as he always planned.

“I am going to ruin [Special Agent Robert Smith]’s life and look into his kids.”

A Gozno Journalist’s day in court

“I couldn’t hold my drugs, your honor,” Barrett Brown winked to the judge, signaling white privilege as he apologized for his crimes in a steep Texas drawl. “I demand the rule of law.”

The judge fired back with a slam of his gavel, “There are two reasons why I’m going to sentence you as if you were a black person, Barry. First of all, you stepped over the line from Objectivism to Anarchy, and second, you’re runnin’ with the hackers. Ya got too many fans on the internet. It’s Diesel Therapy for you.” The judge scowled at the pile of bad fan letters piled up by the defense, each a clumsy minimizing Barry’s child-threatening crimes. “And there’ll be no more talk of these…these…personas! I declare a gag order!” The jury chanted, “Gag order! Gag Order!” rising from their seats and clenching fists.

A crack of the gavel silenced the court. Barry spluttered, “But… but, I got into writing because of Ayn Rand. Her Objectivism changed my life. I’m not an Anarchist anymore, I swear. I’ll go back to Objectivism!” Two Texas Rangers with diamond-pleated high kicking jeans tall-stepped into the court, duct taping Barry’s mouth with the ease that only came with long practice.

The judge shook his head, smiling like a father with a folded belt, “Don’t struggle now or we’ll put you in the hole. It’s too late Barry, you shoulda changed your ideology before I used the gavel, and we’re scared of the hackers. You been a bad spider and I gotta do what I gotta do. Weave your wicked little webs on the highways of Texas, if you can.”

Mad Barry

“MEDIOCRE!” Immortan Joe bellowed at Barry. The last true Gozno Journalist was naked in the diesel cage with tubes of blood funneling into a troubled warboy. The mobile prison, thirty cages of bloodbags rolling on the back of a flatbed 18 wheeler, creaked across the desert. Somewhere in the distance Barry thought he heard CryptoHarleys. Wishful thinking?

A large portion of the skull of Barry’s warboy suddenly fell off and the warboy white brain slid out just as he was grinnin his way. A second later Barry heard the rifles’ crack.

“Crikey,” Barry said in a distinct Australian accent. “We got us a cryptoparty!”

But Immortan Joe was standing over him, wielding a giant double-sided axe. “You gonna die now, Barry.” And Barry passed out pissed himself, but the axe didn’t fall.

Asher Wolf and Biella Coleman rode in swinging their long rifles at Immortan Joe and yellin’, “Code is speech! Information is Free! We are Anonymous!”

Barry woke up to the warm splash of Biella and Asher pissing all over his naked body. He screamed for help but Biella’s piss hit him in the mouth and he choked and gagged for minutes. When he came to they were aimin pistols in his face. “Now you really gonna die, Barry.”


 

Now martyred, hordes of people who never use crypto retweet any headline mentioning Barrett Brown’s name. Some even maintain a “#FreeBarrett” banner across their Twitter avatar, a tried-and-true form of activism known to have freed scores of political prisoners. Brown is due for release in 5 years, should the banners remain active.


The life and Times of Barry Brown is part two in an endless series of biopics titled Project Persona Management

Barrett Brown expresses support for Weev fundraising effort

Barrett Brown called the chronicle.su to express his enthusiasm for Weev's fundraising campaign.
Barrett Brown called the chronicle.su to express his enthusiasm for Weev’s fundraising campaign.

With limited access to Internet, Barrett Brown still gets the news, albeit a little slowly.

“I think what Weev is working toward is really good,” Brown said from his mobile prison cell, an advanced diesel therapy treatment facility. “I saw him on my delayed TV report and I have to say I am proud of him. He’s doing important work and I hope his financial backers fulfill the hedge fund he’s setting up for himself, so he can take care of us all.”

Brown, a pretty good old boy himself, has written hilarious storie for The Onion we have never seen, and boring tirades everyone has seen for Vanity Fair and Vice.

Brown, a passionate blogger at The Internet Chronicle, left the following statement to supporters in his mother’s dishwasher:

Hello, I’m Texas reporter Barrett Brown, and I prefer TerrorMax to AnataBloc any day. It helps me think and raises my awareness. We should look into [TerrorMax].

Barrett “Barry” Brown, Project Persona MGMT

Brown said Weev’s tireless efforts, as well as the consistent and quality work put out by Rachel Haywire, are critical to his personal success and the success and profitability of his entire organization, entitled Project PM.

Brown’s continuing relevance rests squarely on the shoulders of heroes like chronicle.su journalists kilgoar, hatesec, asshurtmacfags and Presstorm alumni.

“Your basic summernazis are part of the socialist threat of the Obama administration and his bottomless thirst for white souls,” Barry passionately dictated from his mobile prison cell. “I have faith in Weev’s ability to contain this threat and use his new money to show people we’re not just a bunch of nazis looking for a keyhole to inject hate into the information security narrative. Like I said, I get my news about 9 months later than everyone else but I really think this is going to pan out. I think Rand Paul has a chance.”

Barrett Brown sentenced to 5 years in prison ‘just for sharing a link’

Except he wasn’t.

The unofficial, self-proclaimed “leader of Anonymous” Barrett Brown was sentenced to 63 months in federal prison Wednesday. He faced more than a century in prison for a masochistic fistful charges, which included linking to leaked Stratfor documents that revealed a connection between the government and social network surveillance. But they dropped that charge, so what Brown is actually, really doing time for, as per his plea deal entered several months ago, is making videotaped threats against investigators working on his case, as though he were some kind of spoiled, two-bit mobster.

Do you remember this video?

“We don’t play all our hands like they do.” Proceeds to reveal his one and only, desperate hand.

Or did you forget that he wanted to “look into” federal agent Robert Smith’s kids while you were tripping over yourselves just to defend some hollow “hero” – an incompetent writer whose mediocre works you never bothered to read in the first place?

My biggest problem with the narrative on Twitter and in other places is the image the public now wants to give Brown, of being a persecuted journalist, a martyr of satire, a fighter for digital freedom, and as Assange would put it, a crusher of bastards with his own “Hunter S. Thompson style.” My instinct is that none of you, or perhaps very few, have actually read his work. It is weak writing and his arguments are often either so short sighted that they can’t seriously be considered, or so conspiratorial that they could never be verified, and yet they are self-centered as if the whole world was out to get, exclusively, him. Notice, however, that I said “arguments.” Brown rarely used facts, and when he did, he used them editorially, to support a broader argument rather than focusing on an event or change. So he wants to be a journalist, but he doesn’t want to do the work of journalism, and he doesn’t want to be Anonymous, in spite of claiming to lead the group, and he doesn’t want to be pinned with any crimes, but he wants to be seen as a martyr.

So before we get started, I would just like to point to my favorite line in Brown’s delusional, self-aggrandizing Wednesday address to U.S. District Judge Sam Lindsay, and then we’ll move on. Read on, as he uses his own spit as lube for the colossal ass-fucking he is about to take from the legal system. Brown neither stands by his actions, nor does he accept responsibility for them. Hilariously, Brown drops “logic bombs” in the hopes the court will excuse his behavior on the premise that law enforcement agencies do illegal shit, too. It’s a bold move, Cotton. Let’s see if it pays off.

First I will speak of regret. Like nearly all federal defendants, I hope to convince Your Honor that I sincerely regret some of the things that I have done. I don’t think anyone doubts that I regret quite a bit about my life including some of the things that brought me here today. Your Honor has the Acceptance of Responsibility document that my counsel submitted to you. Every word of it was sincere. The videos were idiotic, and although I made them in a manic state brought on by sudden withdrawal from Paxil and Suboxone, and while distraught over the threats to prosecute my mother, that’s still me in those YouTube clips talking nonsense about how the FBI would never take me alive. Likewise, I didn’t have the right to hide my files from the FBI during a lawful investigation, and I would’ve had a better chance of protecting my contacts in foreign countries if I had pursued the matter in the courts after the raid, rather than stupidly trying to hide those laptops in the kitchen cabinet as my mother and I did that morning. And with regard to the accessory after the fact charge relating to my efforts to redact sensitive emails after the Stratfor hack, I’ve explained to Your Honor that I do not want to be a hypocrite. If I criticize the government for breaking the law but then break the law myself in an effort to reveal their wrongdoing, I should expect to be punished just as I’ve called for the criminals at government-linked firms, like HBGary and Palantir, to be punished. When we start fighting crime by any means necessary, we become guilty of the same hypocrisy as law enforcement agencies throughout history that break the rules to get the villains, and so become villains themselves.

So here we go. Brown was incompetent in two areas: journalism and activism.

First of all, Brown’s writing sucked. He writes like he speaks: in long, unintelligible sentences. One would think that after using the comma so regularly, Brown might notice the period next to it, but it seems like he is allergic to the period. I constantly read that he wrote for Vanity Fair and The Onion. First of all, you don’t have to be particularly talented to write for The Onion’s online section, which is notoriously banal. And everything I’ve ever read by him sounds trite and juvenile, and everything just seems artlessly thrown together. I don’t see talent. I see someone trying to take a shortcut to stardom, and failing miserably at it. And I love it.

Barrett Brown is often misunderstood to be a competent journalist and activist, when in fact he is neither.
Barrett Brown is often misunderstood to be a competent journalist and activist, when in fact he is neither.

Mediocrity aside, Brown lost the way after he made the conscious decision (a time when he said he began to “care about people”) and broke the sacred rules of journalism by getting too involved in his fake internet movement, Anonymous. He misinterpreted Hunter S. Thompson’s hypersubjective style of news coverage to mean, “Go completely fucking sideways, connect hackers to stolen credit cards, and make threats against federal agents,” one man who really, really hopes you slip up and say the wrong thing, because he’s watching you. And he probably has watched Barrett since his time in Anonymous, where the two probably met, unbeknownst to Brown. Thompson, whose drug habits and speech patterns Brown likes to imitate, never got so involved in the Hell’s Angels that he became one of them, and he wrote the iconic book of their era. So he can do drugs like him and talk like him, but he can’t claim to be able to inject himself harmlessly into a narrative and yet he can’t write a decent story, either.

Secondly, Thompson didn’t just have attorneys, he deferred to them. Thompson never went on a video camera and said a bunch of crazy shit while coming down off anything, much less some synthetic opiate designed to get you off the junk because you were too weak to do it alone. You know who uses suboxone? Junkies who live in trailer parks and low-income neighborhoods, who can’t kick the habit because they’re surrounded by losers just like themselves. Losers like Anonymous, staffed by the feds and populated by 19-year-olds too stupid to know the difference between what’s good, and what reeks of try-hard fame-whoring.

And thirdly, the monstrous irony that I’m surprised no one has brought up yet, is that Brown blames suboxone, which is designed to help addicts be more normal, for supposedly causing this social media spinout. (and here’s the kicker!) When all along it was Anonymous, who are nobody’s friends – who I tried to tell Brown are composed of countless FBI agents – the group of people he thought he was helping are what ultimately brought him down. But all Brown could think to do in court Wednesday was blame suboxone for causing him to make threats. He should know better than anyone that suboxone doesn’t make you get antsy and violent. It mellows you out. You feel like you’re on pain pills, only you are not. So the courts didn’t buy it. But why would he think that they would?

Well, that is because Brown’s failure to maintain objectivity was, unfortunately, not his first problem. His stupidity runs deeper than one might think. His delusions of grandeur are probably the strongest and saddest characteristic of his that I immediately picked up on when we first spoke on the phone in May 2011. I could sense anger and hostility, immediately in his tone of voice when I asked him if he’d considered the possibility that federal agents also hang out in AnonOps IRC (which, didn’t Project PM reveal that they do?). And like some kind of Anonymous gatekeeper, Barrett told me, “You’re not Anonymous, sweetheart.” And said I couldn’t join. Not that I wanted to, but Barrett Brown told me on the phone that I could not join a leaderless movement, a group that literally anyone can join simply by declining to reveal their identity. And he said it in all seriousness, as if I were an immediate threat to what power he believed he might have in Anonymous, just because I asked questions that might run contrary to his plans of someday getting (and losing) a book deal through Amazon.

So, please, give me a fucking break on the #FreeBB and all that shit. Barrett Brown is a shit-stain on the digital underpinning of this new, hybrid society we’re building, and we don’t need some hillbilly bootlicker like him speaking for us on important matters of digital freedom. And if you don’t like what I have to say, then go copy-and-paste a link to some credit card numbers on IRC and enjoy your own hero’s welcome. We’ll be waiting for you with open arms, here at the chronicle.su on a free and open internet, which Brown did absolutely nothing to help create, and neither do you.

Rapist Speaks Out In Support Of A Delusional Barrett Brown

“We are the pee-pool,” says Tiessen.

Internet legend John Tiessen spoke in defiance of IRC bans and IRL double trouble Barrett “The Wild One” Brown Monday. During his Internet podcast, Tiessen once again decried the rats amongst us, referring to undercover agents at Occupy meetings, and outlined the divide and conquer mentality of government opposition, referencing Sun Tzu’s Art of War.

Barrett Brown is in police custody after threatening the children of federal agents.

Tiessen quietly yelled to his audience of no one, “We’re rootin’ for Barrett Brown to get out of jail, and we’re fuckin’ protesting against that. They say they’re protestin’ against them but they’re not – they’re tryin’ to stop it. They’re tryin’ to stop the movement and they’re winning. They’re winning and people are listening to ’em. We are the pee-pool! We are the pee-pool!”

As something resembling emotions rose up within him, Tiessen got carried away with himself and, remembering why Brown, on whose behalf Tiessen is speaking, was arrested, corrected himself midstream: “We have our minds and we’re going to do what we want to do. If we want to take down the feds– if there’s five people that want to take down the feds . . . they’re gonna do it, leave ’em alone!”

Tiessen concluded by encouraging his presumably sleeping audience to “wake the fuck up.”

The following is funnier than anything we could possibly write ourselves

Tears of a Clown: ICP’s Concept Album Vindication of Barrett Brown

DETROIT, MICH. — In solidarity with Anonymous leader and fellow evangelical Christian Barrett Brown, arrested Thursday after publicly protesting his persecution at the hands of the minor children of an FBI agent, hip-hop all-stars Insane Clown Posse have already strung together a tribute album to Mr. Brown, of which The Internet Chronicle has obtained an advance copy. The proceeds from the album will go to Mr. Brown’s legal defense fund.

In a press release representatives of ICP released a track listing for the upcoming album, entitled “Have Sex with Dead FBI Agents’ Children (We Ain’t No Gang, Freak Whores).” The track listing for the album is as follows:

1. FBI Agent Robert Smith’s Kids (in the Dark Carnival)
2. Drug Dealer in Hell
3. Avenge MLK (KIA)
4. Brown Off Brown (His Drug Dealerz in Hell)
5. We a Gang, LOL JK (Bustin’ Nuts in a Dead Body)
6. Shoot Racist People with Illegally Obtained Firearms (Have Sex with their Dead Bodyz)
7. Fucking Internets, How Do They Work?
8. LulzCartel (His Drug Dealerz In Hell Reprise)
9. CHUG HFCS!
10. Not Forgivin’, Not Forgettin’, Painting Our Faces
11. John Wayne Gacy = God = Satan
12. It’s OK to be Poor (Cumming From Nothing)

Initial reports from representatives of ICP’s label, Psychopathic Records, have indicated that the release of this album may undermine the group’s recently initiated lawsuit against the FBI, which previously indicated ICP’s gang status, given their affiliation with drug prohibitionism, the Christian identity movement, the HFCS racket — in addition to their perpetual glorification of Illinois rapist/mass-murderer John Wayne Gacy.

In statements to the press FBI Director Robert Mueller has characterized ICP’s album a “dangerous travesty,” adding, “We will hunt these no-talent assclowns down as quickly as we did the drug-addled Anonymous leader.”

Brown Taken Down

BARRETT BROWN, ANONYMOUS GATEKEEPER
Barrett Frowns

Self-appointed, self-medicating “leader of Anonymous” Barrett Brown was heard struggling against intruders Wednesday, hump day, September 12. Sources confirmed Thursday morning Brown is sitting in a Dallas jail.

Brown’s credibility came under scrutiny after Kilgore Trout tricked Brown into believing he was actually talking to Amber Lyon, a dipshit CNN correspondent. Brown subsequently accused Trout via Twitter of having sex with his girlfriend marking a gradual, but distinct dissolution of sanity and reason which ultimately led Brown to make threats against FBI agents, presumably prompting the raid.

Wednesday’s raid signifies the last nail in the crystal coffin of Brown’s otherwise transient career. Brown was recently heard ranting against all things in a telephone call with Topiary, the actual leader of anonymous. Brown has also appeared in videos making delusional claims provoked by unseen sources of paranoia.

Barrett Brown is the glorified blogger who once belonged to the underground hacker group Anonymous and, for a while, got to decide who gets to join anonymous and who does not. Chronicle.su, he said, is not anonymous, like himself, Barrett Brown – or similarly, Sabu.

Brown, below, threatens the FBI with an ultimatum


Brown describes the purpose of Project PM to be “wiping out this fucking government” and “certain media publications” (chronicle.su maybe? We definitely know he means the NY Times)

Sources discuss chronicle.su and make threats against her glorious staff of anti-leaders

The delusions of Anonymous and Occupy Wall Street

The Occupy movement has successfully shifted the public’s attention to the corrupt influence of corporations over American government. At the same time, it has pushed the limits of free speech about as far as local governments will allow. In many cases the protesters have forced confrontations with police, highlighting every egregious use of force with the aid of youtube in a way that is both profoundly important and at the same time incredibly annoying. Each arrest is met with jeers from protesters who apparently don’t understand that being arrested is a part of civil disobedience. It seems they do not believe that their symbolic encampments are, while inspiring, almost always illegal. This kind of thinking is completely removed from reality, but that can apparently be fixed by using the incredibly creepy human microphone to repeat passages from the constitution as each protester is arrested.

A similar kind of activist dissonance is even more egregious and disturbing within the Anonymous subculture, which claims responsibility for organizing the Occupations and the Arab spring. In response to the financial blockade of WikiLeaks, a sickening product of extralegal pressure from government, Anonymous successfully perpetrated a string of high profile denial of service attacks. The comparison between denial of service and the sit-ins of the civil rights era has been made repeatedly by Anonymous and its supporters, but no comparison could be more nauseating. In the bizarre world of AnonOps IRC, the arena where these attacks were coordinated, a pervasive and infectious paranoia was evident in the constant discussions on how to best remain anonymous and completely unaccountable for the “cyberactivism” that was taking place. Not only did these “activists” take every precaution possible to avoid identification, but the laws which were broken are actually in place to ensure the freedom of speech and integrity of the internet. Anonymous may have worked for a noble cause, but the means were more akin to those of the masked Klu Klux Klan than those of civil rights activists. Thankfully, AnonOps no longer coordinates denial of service attacks.

It is worth noting that most Anons are probably not supporters of this kind of wholly destructive action. Anons are generally just young people, enjoying internet culture and not participating in much more than internet memes and occasional trolling raids. As in previous countercultures like the Punks and Hippies, what truly defines Anonymous is opposition to all that is sanitized and corporate and not the actions of whatever small group gains the most notoriety. That’s pretty much true of the Occupiers as well. Both these movements have self-organized, and as each is set in direct opposition to corporations, both naturally mimic corporate structure. It is helpful to think of groups of Occupiers or Anons as franchises acting independently of one another and beholden only to the three ring binder of cultural norms, which if broken will result in revocation of franchise status. This is a rare event, but Presstorm was an ideal example. Presstorm was a group of mostly Anon supporters acting as a media outlet covering issues mostly of interest to Anons. The editor-in-chief published a long editorial sharply criticizing Occupy Wall Street and over night Presstorm was disenfranchised, disavowed, and under denial of service attacks.

Although there does appear to be an informal kind of accountability for extreme cases like Presstorm, this is really where the franchise analogy breaks down. There are no headquarters for Anonymous or Occupy and no central organization to keep out the insane and destructive. In lieu of any unifying authority holding these movements in line and on message, there’s a few powerful labels that are used liberally to fix any inconsistencies. Should someone make outrageous comments, vandalize, or engage in any other deviant behavior, he or she is immediately deemed an infiltrator and associated with whatever enemy is most convenient. While it’s true that agent provocateurs have been used and are still used to discredit popular movements, the hysterical overuse of this point by Occupiers is laughable. With regards to AnonOps IRC and its media front end, AnonNews, one particular publication understood this mechanism and hit the nail on the head.

As it stands, both Anonymous and Occupy have won over supporters, gained media attention, and forced discussion of their issues upon the general public. Both have been fraught with negative press because of the not-so-peaceful nature of their confrontation with authorities, while at the same time highlighting a few major issues of public interest. Non-lethal violence against Occupy protesters is often shocking, as exemplified by the UC Davis pepper spray incident, Scott Olsen, and Tony Bologna. As for Anonymous, sometimes the bad boy hackers actually root out important facts. Private security contractors are using social media to manipulate people in conflict zones, as revealed by the Anonymous attack on HBGary. No one would know about it if it wasn’t for Anonymous. But are these things going to actually make a change for the better? Realistically, both of these movements are playing a zero sum game or worse, winning a few small victories at great expense to their cause.

Anonymous and Occupy aren’t situated on terra firma. In their dogma, the ultimate goal is to eliminate corporate and government structures in society and replace them with the same decentralized organization in which they are situated. In this utopian vision, perhaps legitimate authority will only take the shape of denial of service attacks and infiltrator witch hunts. This particular brand of magical thinking, in which the ongoing peaceful “revolution” will overthrow all existing power structures, is probably a symptom of the young and idealistic who are not yet willing to bend to reality.

The tragedy is that revolution, and not reform, is all that Occupy and Anonymous will accept. Running politicians (But not Michael Moore?) out of the encampments is a fun sport for the Occupiers, and harassing politicians and businessmen with crank phone calls is former Anonymous spokesperson Barrett Brown’s favorite hobby. I don’t think either movement is going to accept the cold reality that reform is the best thing they can hope for. Symbolic tent cities aren’t going to cause a revolution. Denial of service and harassment is worse. The people who want change need to work in a positive way with those in power, but the powerful who have tried to reach out to Occupiers have received only vitriol and hate. Anonymous and the Occupiers have fantasies of a better world, but the scumfucking Tea Party’s plans are already in motion.

Totallyfalse.info Leader “Done In”

totallyfalse.infoLadies and Gentlemen, it has come to my attention that our dear compatriot Nick Maccombs of the totallyfalse.info has abandoned helm of the fine publication totallyfalse.info.

It is my regret to inform you all Maccombs suffers from Parkinson’s disease, which is no laughing matter. Additionally, he has finally succumbed to a long battle with Alzheimer’s. Nurses close to the editor said he’s “all fucked up” and “pretty much done in.” Nick has forgotten his passwords to everything, and is no longer capable of going online.

It is with great pleasure I announce chronicle.su hereby reserves the right to the Maccombs estate, including the domain totallyfalse.info, as relinquished upon apprenticeship to Lebal Drocer, Inc. and her subsidiaries – [outlined in the Legal section of this site.] This includes all intellectual property rights and access to personal finances.

Let us pray:

Dear Lord, we ask that you protect Maccombs on his holy quest. We ask that you make all the dinosaur bones go away, so that people will stop pointing to Nick as proof of your nonexistence, Dear Lord.

As I walk through /b/ in the shadow of death, I need do no evil, for you are with me; thy rod and thy staff, they comfort and pleasure me.

Amen.

Amen.

All rise.

Except you, Nick.

Rest in Peace.

This message brought to you infinitely by Lebal Drocer, Inc.

Anonifeld – The Decree About Nothing!

anonifeldPeople on the outside who just watch CNN and hear the name think anonymous is this group of White Knights when really they’re just trolls. Hateful, hateful trolls with ugly guts who eat happiness and shit hate. And that’s their good side.

Anonymous, with a capital A, is the dogshit anonymous responsible for the scientology embarrassments, icanhazcheezburger, and more. Publishing as #lulzteamsix or #antisex [their true identity] and #lumpthemalltogether because #nobodygivesashitanymore #soletsjustagreetocallthemvirgins, anonymous released another long wordy decree about nothing today, and somewhere, a primetime audience laughed hysterically.

So, like a small child who made all the adults laugh by doing something embarrassingly stupid, they just kept releasing these documents. And releasing them. Like a fish expelling eggs into the water, anonymous flooded the slow side of the internet with their stinky ignorant rotten press releases. And then it wasn’t funny anymore.

These messages to the world answer questions about anonymous that nobody asked, with explanations so frivolous and long-winded, the text-to-speech software is forced to take a deep breath and ask, “Really, dude? Really?” Nobody cares what anonymous is. Not even the FBI. Not even the people you’re trying to help. Nobody gives a flying nunfuck.

One episode of The Decree About Nothing pushed the old limits of allowable youtube videos by filling over eleven minutes with meaningless diatribe. The decree about nothing can be found below [be warned: watching this is a waste of time]:

It’s like one of those religious videos about Jesus.

“Expect us.” to what, exactly? Order a pizza to my house? SQL inject a fucking website? Republish publicly available information, like a pithy list containing the names and addresses of harmlessly impotent cops?

Early on in their “movement,” when Anonymous was charged with being “the Group About Nothing” they actually compiled a list of publicly records from the ALEC and US Chamber of Commerce and released them as “leaks.” Turns out, it was really just a sleight at Barrett Brown, who is considered so full of fail, not even Anonymous wanted him as their leader. They encrypted the torrent using his name and phone number as passwords. In light of these facts, we here at the Chronicle.SU objectively acknowledge that this is hilarious and probably the greatest thing Anonymous has ever done.

We are Anonymous, the group about nothing
We are a Legion of jokers, college freshmen, and script kiddies
We do not forgive our mommies for not buying us that new videogame, and ignoring our subsequent pleas
We do not forget the time daddy wasn’t there
Expect us to write more trite empty manifestos

Oh, here’s one now!

If you bothered to read this one, you probably noticed Anonymous takes a specific stance on censorship. Their “manifesto” contained the word ‘unuseful.’ That’s a pretty harsh thing to say about censorship, but it’s not nearly as bad as calling it ‘useless.’

Have another, written by Barrett Brown. This one reeks of Charlie Sheen. Barrett Brown is the Charlie Sheen of anonymous. Winning!

Yet more. Sweet Jesus, now their writers are using the same fearmongering techniques employed by FOX News except this shit happens to be mind-numbingly stupid. What’s next, hacking phones?

WHY DO THEY KEEP WRITING THIS SHIT – Letter to my fellow man. It is just … you can check anonnews every day and there’s a bottomless supply of swill, JUST LIKE THIS,  being churned out by … god only knows what kind of simple-minded trailer-dwelling ass-monkey with a DSL internet connection. I said it before as a joke, but now I am starting to really mean it: I find it difficult to imagine people out there, typing this shit up, who seriously believe in what they are doing. I wouldn’t trust it at all if the words didn’t come off as genuine – so genuinely stupid. I mean, the only logical explanation for why this material SUCKS SO HARD is that it’s gotta be a government operation to discredit Anonymous. Guys, you’re not really this stupid . . . right?

Analyzing Anonymous and anonymous and all its iterations has done NOTHING to repair my opinion of the virus that walks this earth you call humanity and I call a disease. This is tripe. Garbage. Useless. If this is you trolling me, through sheer will of stupidity, then you’ve won, Anonymous. Consider me trolled. Hard.