Murdoch Family Enslaves Cheetahs To Edit Truth Faster

News of the Chat of the News World

Chronicle.SU–NewsCorp’s premiere chat service, News of the Chat of the News World, functions by way of a high-speed underground network of rare Emperor Cheetahs, which are blocked for their usefulness by anti-cheetah hospital security systems everywhere.

Cheetah
Cheetahs fly through the network at the speed of sound, jaws agape, devouring packets you didn't even request, and ready to suck blood.

Expert analysis:

Years of warmongering, bloodthirstiness, Kahane-level Zionism and utter hatred of Arabs had not entirely divested Mr. Murdoch of his dealings with the Arab Cheetahs. Saudi money had acquired quite a bit of his Neocon twistiness, and finally the Arab Cheetahs were allowed over that tricky border between Egypt and Gaza — where nearby, on the Egyptian side, only, like, six people in a group are allowed to walk at a time — and into the D.C.-sized deathaplex they ruptured. Their lightweight tails smacked against the backs of their noble legs as they poured into the world’s largest prison camp, trails of saliva, like shoelaces, lapping against their forelegs.

-Tyler Bass

“It’s a lolfest if you don’t know what to expect before going down there,” reported freelance cheetah dealer Joe Bradley, 45. “Innocent people getting d0x3d left and right, cheetahs prancing around at high volume with hateful messages pinned to their shock collars, and they’re like, ‘What the fuck, I  should be in the savannah pouncing on the fucking river, drinking caribou and throttling gazelle, not running copyedits to and  fro. Fuck that wrinkled old prick!'”

Murdoch’s viewers have been internationally recognized to possess the lowest, basest possible understanding of the dynamics that created the Fox News — oops, I mean, the second Iraq War, the one following the harrowing, “courageous” embargo of the southwest Asian country that killed billions of innocent cheetahs. That country is known to us as North Korea.

Wearing Gacy-like clown makeup at time of press, Mr. Murdoch announced that it made complete sense that his average viewer possesses the cognitive/reality coherence that they would call “Osama bin Laden” “Saddam Hussein.” This is a result of mass-consumption of furry pornography.

I thought I could make an edifice as large as those structures in Bioshock III take off.”

Rupert Murdoch
NewsCorp

“I would never have imagined that people would have bought so much of my flag-fellating bullshit. Ever since Bush I was able to make that incubator-baby crap fly, I thought I could make an edifice as large as those structures in Bioshock III take off.”

“Good doggies do tricks,” added Mr. Murdoch, red food-coloring dye, as used by goth kids, running down opposite sides of his mouth along with saliva, red ink trailing into the white.

In spite of their rebellious demeanors, the cheetahs remain polite because should they resist, they will be put to death, skinned and crafted into spectacularly jewel-encrusted thongs for Murdoch to prance around in.

“They’re not outspoken about their plight but they should be,” said cheetah specialist Speedy McFeely of the Bristol Motor Speedway, Virginia and fucken redneck.

Adrian “Cheetah” Chen approached the Virginia physics expert and without asking permission bent him over and snorted a line of cocaine off the small of his back. With lips pursed, Adrian softly sucked his dick, which instead of semen, leaked the phone records of celebrities and d0x of LulzSec hackers.

One cheetah busted out the cocaine in front of reporters as Murdoch – who audibly gasped at the faux pas – pondered it a moment and opted instead to cup his genitals crying, “Not here, man. The cameras. Shit’s tainted with skin-rotting levamisole. You know what that does to my ballsack.”

Murdoch hatefully orders the reporters out of his hospital suite and defecates in his bed. The hateful troll-cheetah delivers Murdoch his percocets, and Murdoch takes out a small tray, a credit card and a rolled up tin-bob note.

“Who’s the pussy now, bitch?” roars Murdoch. “We’ve got to get these children off of Google+. It’s like a disease, man a fucking KID [emphasis added] disease. Delete the little fucker’s emails to his grandma, if that’s what it takes. They’re worthless, because they were written by a  CHILD [emphasis added].” Rupert Murdoch buries his face into the fur of a cocaine-dusted cheetah and insufflates a full breath of cocaine as it wanders idly by. His eyes then glaze over and turn a fiery red.

Come here son, I’ll tuck your shirt in for you.”

Rupert Murdoch

“Show me your MySpace before you go!” calls out Murdoch, half-erect and blind from cocaine. “Come here son, I’ll tuck your shirt in for you.”

To Mr. Murdoch, the cheetahs look like small children, ready for molestation. Murdoch passes out, drool glazing his wrinkled face.

 Media Mogul dreams of Yao Ming and his network of cheetahs. In his dreams, he snorts a line of crushed  percocets to kill the pain.

“Thank God it’s not that levamisole-tainted bullshit,” he remarks to the pool-boy, “and thank God it’s lab-produced morphine.

Krokodil gets the Cheetahs high, makes their dicks grow and nurtures their latent homosexual tendencies as a means of population control. They cook up various drugs in Murdoch’s Russian  apartment, and come out stinking of iodine. Murdoch reeks of Cheetah anus, the latent evidence of a recent shitler hitler still slightly noticable. It is grim, but oddly arousing to this reporter.

Cheetah Mogul, following his addiction to rare cheetahs

“I’m assembling a panel of premade emoticons to tell a story because I am  autistic,” Murdoch tells the press. “Ctrl+v for autism. Look only at mouths while communicating.”A new trend in communication is sweeping the Internet, churches and wi-fi cafés. “Create a rage comic if you want to propose to your husband or call out a  troll,” said Murdoch. “Create a rage comic while high on Krokodil, before taking a line of levamisol-tainted cocaine. My flesh is rotting away and all I can do  is read the next rage comic. Twitter has become my only outlet for  communication, after rage comics.”

Murdoch is visibly upset by this point and releases an odor resembling that of decomposing flesh. It is decomposing flesh. The cheetahs pull the plug on his life-support and he dies a slow painful death emitting a gurgling puddle of feces, writhing in a nightmarish hell, and being mercilessly ripped apart and taunted by his once loyal army of cheetahs.

 @ktrout word up to that #rotting

 @mogul yo dawg you got any #krokodil, I’m trying to get down

“Just looked at the first reddit post in a long while,” Murdoch mumbles to himself before documentary filmmakers overlapping with the Chronicle.SU doing coverage of the long-term effects of cheetah-addiction. He gently rolls the click-wheel of his mouse down a cat-lover furryboard gleefully tapping his foot and singing “im a little man, also evil, also in to cats”

“To avoid  downvotes, everyone prefaces their statements with an apology and an explanation of what their comment is not.” #fagreddit

This message brought to you by Lebal Drocer, Inc. Blenders

“Forgive me father, for I have blend!”

Will It Blend?
Bible Edition – By Adrian ForeSkin

Works Cited
By Barrett Brown

http://www.reddit.com/r/funny/comments/iub5k/the_official_death_of_the_rage_comic/

http://marymicrogram.blogspot.com/2011/07/skin-rotting-substance-found-in-us.html

http://sunpig.com/martin/archives/2011/07/03/google-made-my-son-cry.html

The story of Bullshit-Ass COPPA. Your kids aren’t that special, fucking rubes.

Sluthouse 5 by Jack Vonnegut

http://twitter.com/#!/Hatefiend/status/93729178310025216

http://i.imgur.com/fW7GC.png

https://twitter.com/#!/Slashleen

PRAY TO THE DEVIL

BECAUSE CHRIST CAN’T SAVE YOU NOW

ANONYMOUS INSURRECTION OF THE CHRONICLE.SU

PREACHER OF THE DAMNED HERE, CHRONICLE.SU IS CURRENTLY UNDER EXTREMELY HEAVY LOAD OF CONSECUTIVE NEVER-ENDING DDOS ATTACKS DIRECTLY FROM RYAN, HIJACKER OF ANONOPS IRC. CHRONICLE.SU DOWNGRADED TO READ-ONLY MODE. COLLAPSE IMMINENT.

People, people. Gather ’round for the time has come to succumb to the wicked ways of the Right. The Great Digital Civil War coalesces before your very eyes.

THIS JUST IN: RYAN HAS TAKEN OVER THE CHRONICLE.SU IRC, AND HIJACKED THE LOIC MECHANISM, TURNING IT IN ON US.

WE ARE NOW RECEIVING WORD THAT KILGORE TROUT HAS LOCKED HIMSELF IN THE CONTROL ROOM AND REFUSES TO COME OUT UNTIL DEMANDS ARE MET.

EMAIL FROM “RYAN” (BILLY NAMEFAG WALSHE):

Get down on your knees and pray to Satan, your lord and eternal heavenly hellmaster. We named him Barrett “Ryan” Brown as a CIA plant for your circlejerking pleasure in the annals of IRC.

CHRISTIAN CONSERVATISM JUST WENT GLOBAL

That’s right, we’re currently engaging the Grady Warren Anti-Muslim Teahad across the desert land of the doomed and all you people can do is sit there on your asses and gawk, in shock and awe as the Lebal Drocer bombs fall on the darkies. FUCKING BROWN PEOPLE GET OUT OF OUR COUNTRY, YOU ARE POISONING AND ABUSING THE GENEROUS LOVING NATURE OF WHITES and RYAN IS PISSED!!!!!1

INCOMING TRANSMISSION: BARRETT BROWN IS IN DIRECT COMMUNICATION WITH BILLY NAMEFAG WALSHE, REPORTING LIVE TO CHRONICLE.SU HEADQUARTERS VIA AOL INSTANT MESSENGER.

BROWN REPORTS:

“Get ready for some real journalism here, James, the truth’s about to hit you in the balls, I mean face, no balls was right originally. Kilgore Trout has assumed the handle “Ryan” under false pretenses. He is NOT the real Ryan. I repeat: Kilgore Trout is NOT Ryan.”

CHRONICLE UPDATE [EDITOR’S EDITION]

This just in: Ryan, who recently hijacked the anonops.ru IRC and is using it to DDoS anonnews.org, is in fact Billy Walshe. Dox are available at chronicle.gov/IRC-log-archive.html

TO ALL ANONYMOUS EVERYWHERE: CHARGE LAZERS. AWAIT ORDERS. THIS IS THE PUSH WE’VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR.

This message brought to you by:

“KIDS. LITTLE KIDS: Welcome the Chronicle.sU home of the whopper value meal, get yours today!”

Billy Mays

Ain’t no poison in me.

BARRETT BROWN LEADS ANONYMOUS INTO CERTAIN DOOM

BARRETT BROWN, ANONYMOUS GATEKEEPER
BARRETT BROWN, ANONYMOUS GATEKEEPER

YESTERDAY ANONYMOUS REACHED A NEW LOW WHEN THEY FOLLOWED A TRAP, SET BY BARRET BROWN, INTO A DARK UNFORGIVING ABYSS KNOWN AS ANONOPS, WHERE THE FBI AWAIT.

A homophobic Barrett Brown defends the FBI, and bans me from “Anonymous” with a capital A.
For Asshole:

(click here to listen to the phone call) BARRETT BROWN, ANONYMOUS GATEKEEPER, REFUSES TO ALLOW ANONYMOUS INTO ANONYMOUS

anonops, as reported by the chronicle.su via anonnews.org, is teeming with internet cops the likes of which Blade Runner never saw.

anonops is a god damn trap.

Do not go near anonops, because the son-of-a-bitching federalis are there, waiting to trap hapless script kiddies, or even a curious visitor.

They want your IPs, which IRC compromises, as well as port vulnerabilities, whatever they can get their hands on, through any orifice they must. Oops! GOT THE TROJAN.FBI IN MY SHIT NOW I’LL NEVER FEEL CLEAN.

ANONOPS is where good intentions go to die. “Come get us,” you sniveling, wormy parasites say, “We’re just here to do right, bro. chill out. just let it happen.”

ARRESTED
ARRESTED
ARRESTED
ARRESTED
ARRESTED
ARRESTED

 

All because of ANONOPS!! Do NOT go there. It is a fucking FBI trap like you don’t understand. Those people are turning you in by the thousands.

The fear machine follows you as closely as you carry it, and you’re bringin’ it on home, anonybabies. This is me trying to save you.

Barrett Brown has led you directly into an anti-activism honeypot from which the only escape is critical thought itself. Sweet, precious critical thought.

Should you choose to continue deeper into anonops.ru:

The nightmare police who wait for you there want to come into your home, anonymous wants to rape your wife and they will, together, pillage your essence. They want anything and everything they can get their hands on. They want you, so serve yourself up on a silver platter at irc.anonops.ru. join the most populated channel. Congratulations! You’re now suspect and subject to the PATRIOT ACT.

This message brought to you by Lebal Drocer, Inc.
We own everything that matters.

Thousands dead in Washington D.C.

Jeff rips the bong and sips coffee with me. Jeff’s comrades refuse all hospitality. They’re typical American teens, conditioned to hate free things and fear mild drugs. They’re more interested in getting back to a place with cell service than understanding what just happened to them. Jeff and I don’t talk, but I understand that he is coming with me when his friends leave. By the time the coffee and weed are really kicking in, we’re doing 90 on Interstate 81 listening to the news radio cycle through the same old shit. Then something new.

” There are chilling unconfirmed rumors that right now a mass murder of public officials is being committed by Anonymous.  Allegedly armed with nothing but swords, Anonymous has taken control of the Capitol building, for now. The bodies of congressional staffers, lobbysits, congressmen, and congresswomen have been heavily mutilated and raped. Protesters in the streets are celebrating. Barrett Brown has announced he is about to make a speech.”

I talked to Barrett Brown last week on Skype. He used a false baritone that reflected his inflated self-importance. He tried to skirt the fact that he knew who I was. I forced him to recognize me by rudely eating a sandwich on cam instead of introducing myself. He had plenty of disdain for Anonymous but did not like how I wanted to compare them with a cult. Barrett claimed to be in connection with all the leaders of Anonymous.

Barrett’s incredibly sly about phrasing and never uses strong language to describe his supposed position of power. When he makes thinly-veiled claims about his connection to the “leadership” of Anonymous it is truly ironic. Barrett Brown colludes only with the sockpuppet masters of Anonymous.

The Anonymous I know is only capable of self-love and hatred. The hesitant love “Anonymous” has for Barrett Brown is quite obviously created artificially by sockpuppets. No one ever really liked that David Spade looking motherfucker anyway. He made up the heroin addiction for dramatic effect and smokes cigarettes through interviews as part of the act.  Barrett Brown, the amusingly bad spokesperson, manufactured by the government.

As I’m sharing this realization with Jeff, the radio goes quiet for a few seconds. The silence cuts to a live audio feed from outside the Capitol building. Barrett Brown’s speech is about to begin. I hear the mob chanting Barrett’s name over and over. As Barrett takes the podium, the mob is jubilant. Brown waits for the people to silence themselves and then waits a little while longer to increase the anticipation. The man who is speaking now seems to be related to the Barrett Brown I spoke with on Skype but only in name. He speaks comfortably and with obvious practice. His voice rises and falls. He makes promises. The people cheer wildly. Jeff turns off the radio and stutters a few times on thoughts that are coming out too quickly to be verbalized. I know what he is trying to say before he manages to spit out half of a sentence. I imagine that the same idea is simultaneously arriving in the brains of thousands. The viral aspect is thorny and tangible. There is still hope.