MILEY CYRUS TURNS 18, n00ds coming soon

Miley Cyrus in her braNashville, Tenn.–At 7:49 this morning, one dick eagerly stabbed into a now-legal Miley Cyrus.

With the stink of sex freshly on her clothes, Miley Cyrus told reporters outside her father’s home she is “Ready for adulthood. Really, very ready.”

Asked who took the first legal plunge into her bellows, Miley blushed, and said, “Well, all I can really say for sure is he likes it when I call him ‘Daddy‘.”

Her full spread Playboy, Penthouse and Hustler photo shoots are slated for next month, leading up to a Christmas release that will hopefully stimulate the economy, and our sexual appetites.

Miley Cyrus, a relatively normal-looking child turned on a nation of unbeknown pedophiles and daughter-pimps, breaking new grounds for the Walt Disney corporation and 4chan.

Attorneys are lining up to do blow off of her stomach, and even Walt Disney himself rose up from the grave to “get a piece.”

He said in a statement even though Miley Cyrus has reached adulthood, the distance between his age and hers is still relatively disturbing, adding, “The fact I am so much older is what makes it that much hotter to me.”

News for Miley Cyrus
She's free to buy a pack of smokes and a lottery ticket ... and fuck.

Miley Cyrus, named “2008 most-Googled nipslip of all time” by The Elf Wax Times, has completely dropped out of all recent Google Trends reporting and is expected to be forgotten completely by the year 2014.

MILEY CYRUS – TRIBULATION

When Miley Cyrus broke the sound barrier, we thought we’d seen everything. However, after punching through the Earth’s exosphere, the Disney Star approached escape velocity at 7 miles per second, then exploded brilliantly into a stream of atoms.

-Eyewitness report

Miley Cyrus, moments before reaching
critical mass over the Pacific Ocean

Astronomers worldwide confirmed Miley’s ascension into the cold, radioactive vacuum of space following the shockwave elicited by her sonic boom, visible from almost every clear sky in the Northern Hemisphere.

Fans of Miley say they believe the sexually exploited children’s TV star was in fact an angel in disguise. Her reasons for suddenly and inexplicably self-propelling off the face of the Earth, fans speculate, is that although they (that is, girls in the 8 to 13 years’ age range) respect her good choices and strive to emulate her in every way, these girls were not devoting enough of themselves and their disposable incomes to the Disney Corporation, Cyrus’s parent company and sole owner of her product name and fortune – and so she was removed from our unworthy planet.

Some sources blame hard times. Others believe the crisis deepens.

Elf Wax theological experts say that when good, hard-working Americans begin to establish the credibility of an organized Disney-consumer relationship, there might someday be a second coming of Miley Cyrus, but after – and only after – Billy Ray Cyrus is dead. This owes in part to the theory that the constant, photographed molestation of his daughter is part of the reason she has dematerialized in outer space.

Some fanatics have elected to crucify him or even stone him to death in a hole, but experts warn against interference of the Divine Walt Prophecy of the Magic Kingdom, a puritanical manifesto that lays out the future of little girls’ sexuality for all White, Western humanity, and Wal-Mart, to follow infallably the daytime TV Disney channel programming schedule and release dates for Up and its sequel, Down, noting that a lapse in good judgment is what caused Miley to originally disappear, and that any further failure to adhere to the strict puritanical morals set out by the religious/socioeconomic status quo could lead to dangerous levels of independent thought and a decline in second guessing of our true nature as human beings.

It’s what some experts in Washington describe to be “a dangerous concoction of emotional freedom that, if placed in the wrong hands, might galvanize what would be an otherwise unquestioning populus into free-thinking people who form their own opinions about lifestyles, choices made based solely on the individual’s ability to inform him/herself through God-given, not Disney-given, intuition and logical trains of thought.”

Pedophiles everywhere are eagerly watching the skies – and the obituaries – awaiting the return of Miley Cyrus upon the eve of Billy Ray’s demise.