Big Bank Theory

"Holy shit, they're buying it!"
"Holy shit, they're buying it!"

Singularity, Everywhere–The world’s money has coalesced into a singularity following an investigation into Goldman Sext’s Insecurities. The adage “Time equals money” has taken on a whole new meaning, bringing time to a stop as Americans wait an eternity for the next Big Red Communist Bang to redistribute all wealth throughout the new universe, which at once extended no farther than our farthest, most expensive satellite.

“Americans have come to expect less out of their universe,” explained U.C. Berkley astrophysicist Herman Coats. “Nowadays, the Universe means everything between home, work and Wal-Mart, and people are already overwhelmed.” Results of a recent Virginia poll indicate citizens welcomed the crushing void of a black hole. Many were counting on it.

Many like Goldman Sext CEOs and other company leaders, who are making shitloads of money for charity and immortality research. Positive effects are expected to trickle down to all their mortal customers, they said. Elf Wax Times does not question the word of high-level corporate executives and reports their explanations as unerring truth.

In fact, we here at The Elf Wax Times would go so far as to defend at least one billion dollars of the fraud in question. There is a very simple explanation for where that money went. If CEOs aren’t getting paid exponentially more than you, me, their employees, and the space program, then how are they supposed to work comfortably and efficiently? CEOs in a position of privilege simply deserve more than you and me, and it’s their obligation as Americans to take it without asking permission or reporting it missing. Would you be happier to find out it went toward the Afghan war?
Yeah. So would we.

Some guy on acid did provide this mathematical description of the Goldman Sachs crisis:

n-security divided by f(x)=fuck your shit, I’m getting paid

This has been brought to you by Lebal Drocer, Incorporated.


Glory holes – unlocking the mystery

Roanoke, Va. – A new study reveals glory hole “goes both ways.”

After thirty-five minutes of rigorous testing, Chinese scientists working undercover for The Elf Wax Times have concluded that a glory hole works in both directions.

“This law is the same for all glory holes, regardless of which direction they are drilled from, and regardless of the thickness of the barrier wall,” concluded lead scientists Harry Johnson, drawing from earlier research conducted by Donna Short and Stacey Stuck.

Elf Wax Scientists conduct valuable research using glory hole technology
Elf Wax Scientists conduct valuable research using glory hole technology

Lead Elf Wax particle-physicist Charles A. Hungwell is the director of the Universal Study of Glory Hole Biotics (GHB) and administrator of many orgies, including the great Stonewall Inn Orgy of June 28, 1969. He said, “Regardless of where you are in space or time, and regardless of your position relative to the glory hole, the laws of physics are really quite consistent.”

As well, he said, unlike with a black hole, what goes in the glory hole “does come out, nine times out of ten.”

When questioned about the tenth percentile in which “nothing comes out,” Mr. Hungwell blushed only to proudly announce his sex change, and that, almost as if by miracle, “no operation” would be necessary.

Chomp.

Waxing elves after 2012?

Los Angeles, Ca.–Neil deGrasse Tyson, astrophysicist and author of the popular 2007 book Death by Black Hole, confirmed the Earth is in fact doomed to survive through the routine events of December 21, 2012.
The educated assurance of this world-renowned scientist is rumored by analysts to have no bearing on those who already believe the world is going to end, or those who want to believe the end is near. Elf Wax scientists point to evidence of a parallel school of irrational constructs known as “Christianity” in which its members unwaveringly believe “a magical man lives in the sky, rewarding good behavior, damning the bad, harshly judgmental of everyone but enveloping by contradictory default the subjective individual with understanding, infinite forgiveness.”

Experts say that because human beings are prone to holding such “ridiculous” superstitions, there is no longer any point in acknowledging them and therefore all stories involving concepts categorized as religion or auto-philosophy (a concept similar to auto-fellatio but taking place in the mind rather than upon the genitals) in the future are no longer newsworthy as they are meaningless and stand in the way of human progression toward enlightenment.

Added John Hippenstock, lead Elf Wax scientist, oceanographer, and autophilosopher, “Fuck you and the zeitgeist. And Jane Fonda. The West is the best! The South Beach Diet will rise again. Woo!” Dr. Hippenstock then revealed two revolvers, fired them wildly into the air, holstered them, defecated, ripped off his pants, moaned incoherently, and proceeded to recite pi out to the twenty-seventh decimal, which is – not coincidentally – 27.