CHRONICLE.SU DEFEATS TH3J35T3R

TANGO DOWN!

Everything the Jester was once known for has been taken away. He has been castrated by Apache developers, posted an embarrassing music video which encompasses his feelings toward small children, and is now shitting himself in fear of Lebal Drocer, Incorporated.

JESTER DEFEATS CHRONICLE | OOPS!Recently, I met th3j35t3r in Barrett Brown’s empty tinychat room, where he bragged about taking the Chronicle down for a few days. Which is true, he did: by running a simple script against BlueHost, who we paid to host the Chronicle, he caused one of their servers to seize up and a whole bunch of their clientele’s websites went down with chronicle.su. And when I met him, he had just “quit hacking” – supposedly on a whim, so before I left him in there, I was sure to point out the true reason the attacks stopped:

The script Jester used to attack us – and many others – is now obsolete since Apache developers updated their software. No big deal, just a little update and web hosts everywhere are fine again. We updated and now we are fine. But the Jester’s afraid BlueHost and Lebal Drocer are pissed off about it. And he’s probably right. Sure, maybe we provoked him, but this is what happens when you attack the 1%. They do not forgive. They do not forget. So just because he took us down in August doesn’t mean our old host doesn’t want their fucking money now.

Take one quick moment to absorb our small victory, for we have beaten the Jester at his own silly game. You see, the Jester is a terrorist. His goal is to create terror. For example, he wants to chill our speech – by attacking our site, he hoped to make us afraid to write. Obviously, that didn’t happen. But now he’s afraid that our team of lawyers are coming after him in the name of Lebal Drocer, Inc. [Editor’s note: Fact is, he attacked us on shared hosting, on one of the largest webhosts in the world. Did “the jester” really think Bluehost would tolerate him downing thousands of clients’ sites at once?]

What a cowardly bitch. He took everything down, including his picture of the cease-and-desist order they sent him. That means Bluehost actually knows the identity of “the jester.” But we don’t, and neither do you. Still, we can characterize him for you anyway, using all the information we do have.

Who is th3j35t3r?

The Jester, a known pedophile, is an otherwise sexless man – a “script kiddie” that somehow figured out he could bloat up outdated Apache servers to uselessness. This is achieved by holding a large number of connections open with the server at one time. He is a longtime fan of the Insane Clown Posse, who eroded his creativity before it ever had a chance to bloom. Having no web design skills, his only alternative was to destroy. So he went to “work.” But who to attack?

Over time, the fatass Jesterfag became so well known for torturing Urdu (language) Islamic website owners, he became widely recognized as the world’s most likely hacker to vote a third time for Bush and Cheney.

Later on, as he gained Twitter followers, he took on feelings of Unwarranted Self-Importance and pretended to harbor political convictions after the mainstream media assassinated Wikileaks for being better at journalism than them.

He soon claimed attacks on Wikileaks, as well as the Westboro Baptist Church of Trolling Art.

But he fucked up when I provoked him to attack us. If you’ve been reading up till this point, you know how: he took my bait, ultimately unleashing a ravenous team of coked up Lebal Drocer lawyers who seek to hunt him down like a runaway slave – they are on so much cocaine they’re representing the web hosts of jihadists.

The Jester thought he could bitch and complain to our host that we were running profanity and “slandering” his fake name. [ Editor’s note: libel is written. Slander is spoken. ] But he doesn’t know about the law and how there are no laws which protect false identities from libel.

If the Jester read more, he might have learned the laws before making an ass out of himself. But books are for faggots. Still, he is willing to pull Steinbeck quotes from wikiquote. #pseudointellectual #pedophile

Steinbeck wrote about the Great Depression – a time when men were men, and you didn’t fuck with other people’s accounts unless they were fucking with your moonshine operation. But if you did, you learned the hard way not to. The Jester, too, will learn.

The Chronicle always wins.

___
Mach2600 is a slut. Her #pussy stinks..

Anonymously37 gets dragged into our shit for the lulz. He has no idea why.

Mockingbird = sockpuppet of the sockpuppet, or #sockingbird

New Game Call of Duty: Modern Occupation 2 Makes Imperialism Fun Again

Hold onto your rights, because War just went global!

Respawn Entertainment, founded by top developers from Infinity Ward, maker of the bestselling Call of Duty: Modern Warfare series have announced plans to release a new game they say will allow players to enjoy the gut wrenching realism of indefinite military occupations.

Call of Duty: Modern Occupation 2
Brought to you patriotically by Lebal Drocer, Inc.

Co-creator and sadomasochist Frank West said all people deserve to witness, and even partake in, the atrocities of war.

“We thought, why should brown people be the only ones lucky to experience the horrors of modern warfare? With Modern Occupation 2, we want to bring the nightmarish reality of war into every American’s living room.”

Vincent Zampella, co-founder of Respawn Entertainment said, “We want to move gameplay away from the kill or be killed mindset. I am fucking sick of it, you’re sick of it and we all want the emails to stop. In Modern Occupation 2, every advancement presents a gray area in which gamers are forced to make split second decisions that may affect them for the rest of their lives – in some cases, more horrifically than war itself; for instance, your character may come down with PTSD if you shoot an unarmed child. Conversely, this is likely to occur even if the child is armed.”

In a live demo, very small children carrying toys and presents walked up to the player to give him gifts of baked goods – but as it happened, Sonjay’s teddy bear actuated a thermite bomb in the bread basket, killing everyone on screen. Leading up to random events such as these, the decision to shoot on sight is in the hands of the player.

An Afghani clears away rubble, but not fast enough.
The decision to execute this man may fall on your shoulders.

Civilian kills are penalized, but if the gamer can turn a murder into an accidental suicide, or frame the bodies to look like insurgents – either by planting guns around their homes or, during online play, calling on other players to support an alibi before his commanding officer – then he will no longer face court marshal and play continues.

However unlike previous iterations of the Call of Duty franchise, which pitted gamers against the Taliban in Afghanistan and challenged them to defend Northern Virginia from Russian invaders, Zampella said Modern Occupation 2 is variably paced.

“For example, in Realistic Mode, a player may find himself standing watch for ten, twelve hours at a time – changing only to adjust for his or her declining opinion of the military industrial complex.”

Additionally, as with any occupation, the political landscape plays an important role. Players may suddenly “disappear” or find that they’ve been targeted for political assassination if, during online play for example, gamers of the same faction invaded Pakistan’s airspace to the chagrin of a terrorist-sympathizing Presidential body, dozens of Seal Team Six may be deliberately targeted for assassination by groups allied forces never expect.

West said, “War games have become so realistic by now, that if children aren’t balled up in front of their televisions in the fetal position, in fresh puddles of their own urine, then we aren’t doing our jobs right.”

A press release posted Saturday on Respawn Entertainment’s website said the company hopes to get Call of Duty: Modern Occupation 2 out while images of ground-based occupations are still revolting to American audiences. Videogame industry insiders fear many gamers are becoming more rapidly desensitized with each new release, which market analysts believe could cut into profits.

American audiences were enamored by the non-stop carnage of Capcom’s mid-summer release of African Vengeance: Genocidal Rapestorm, in which gamers are challenged to saw a Somalian woman’s arms off while simultaneously gang-fucking her in a flaming blood-spattered hut, or be shot for insubordination.

“I loved circumcising young girls in the bush, but after a while it was just a button-masher,” said eleven year old Kevin Jones of Boston, Mass. When asked what changes Kevin thinks would improve upon his favorite war game, he said, “More mini games like where I get to shove hot phosphorous in my enemy’s eyes using the Wii mote. That was so fun!”

Facing stiff competition from all sides, West said they are comfortable pushing back the release of Modern Occupation 2 to give developers a chance to add features he hopes will keep bloodthirsty fans coming back for more. Some new features include torture chambers, mini-games in which the player herds civilians into cages, and various rage meters West said will gauge a character’s contempt for the people he is enlisted to protect, adding a whole new tier of depth through multipliers and hate crimes.

If pushed back, gamers can expect to unleash their xenophobia on the digital world just in time for the holiday season.

Help, I've swallowed a fishhook!

BROADCAST! HEADING 1! ELF WAX UPDATE [EDITOR’S EDITION]

Craig ‘Lazie’ Lynch has escaped from a minimum security prison in England. It was one of those places where you can just leave anytime, and so he did. He is reportedly eating giant hunks of steak and chilling with bitches at parties. Support ‘Crazie’ Craig by donating to his Facebook site or something. I don’t know, he’s on the run so you gotta facebook him.

Now back to your regularly scheduled Elf Wax:

I was eating some candy my friend gave me and inside of a gummy Swedish fish some fucker unlovingly-inserted a LIVE FISHHOOK!

OH MY GOD PLEASE HELP
OH MY GOD PLEASE HELP

The mind-blowing pain coming from my insides suggests I may be bleeding internally, and I’m afraid that I am dying, but you know it’s kinda whatever because I have videogames. But seriously, please, if anyone is reading this, call for help. Dial your local 911 and tell them it’s an emergency: Calvin from Nashville has done something painfully stupid and needs help immediately. They’ll know who you’re talking about because this happens a lot.

My friend said he got the gummy fish from a trustworthy source but to be honest I’m starting to wonder!

UPDATE: I can hear sirens now! Thank God! My ability to speak has been compromised by severed vocal chords, but I will mention your gracious deed to the authorities, dear Elf Waxers.

=+=+=+=+=

UPDATE: The sirens passed, they were not coming for me. I AM STILL WAITING, PLEASE SEND HELP I DON’T KNOW HOW MUCH LONGER I CAN HOLD ON, BECAUSE I AM STARTING TO CHOKE ON BLOOD AND MY HUNGRY CAT CIRCLES ME WAITING FOR ME TO DIE SO HE CAN EAT ME I SHOULD HAVE BOUGHT A FUCKING DOG.

Online Gamers Constitute 90 Percent of World's Racists

If you’re like many folks, and you believe that because Barack Obama is the President there is no racism, The Elf Wax Times has news for you!

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Most Americans think we’ve “outgrown” racism or that there’s no place for it. “Racism went out with slavery, at the same time or maybe before,” said Elf Wax Staff Historian Grit Banks. However, online personal attack debates continue on the PlayStation(TM) Network(ALL RIGHTS RESERVED).

“I don’t hate all Black People,” said one gamer who asked to remain anonymous. “I just hate the ones who act black.” Indeed, there’s nothing more satisfying than a night of intense, but rewarding gaming only to be the final kill, followed up by “Shit son, your bitch-ass got dapped, PECKAWOOD!”

Racists are like pretty bad. But eRacism is a widely accepted forum for Hate favored by racists on all sides of the equation, giving credibility to the idea self-critical human history has long regarded as barbaric. In addition, reports can be filed on these gamers directly to Sony, giving the Hatemongers an extra special title for achieving what was once thought impossible: the Offense! title is granted to any player who successfully offends or verbally assaults a gamer into reporting him.

Crosstika
Coveted Emblem from genocide simulator Modern Warfare 2

“It’s a highly sought-after symbol of Hate,” said gamer [KKK]String__em__up, “Surpassing the power of the inverted crucifix and even the Swastika.” This effect is achieved by combining an animation of the two.

While online gamers number in the millions, actual racists account merely for a small percentage, roughly sixty five percent.

As a solution for the ongoing crisis of eRacism, Sony executives are hitting at the implementation of possible eLynchings. The service would be free, but only as long as the victim “really deserved it.”

“I’m gonna use it on one a them towelheads that hate our Freedom,” said one patriotic American who asked not to be named.

It’s thought by some that eRacists, along with Internet Tough Guys, are “all talk” and “got no bark to match the bite.” However eRacists, when provoked, never back down from an eChallenge and will cuss you out to the better end, proving their strength.

Only time will tell whether the eLynchings will produce favorable results. In the meantime, only headshots do the talking.

eLynch now with your friends!

Modern Warfare 2: "If this is war, I wanna be there!"

Full Metal Jacket: Modern Warfare 2Some time has passed since the release of Infinity Ward’s newest installment in the reluctantly-named Call of Duty series. This is why the Elf Wax Times has gone untouched for one week, with the exception of the new Lightning Ticker which adorns our beloved header. The Lightning Ticker is based on the Elf Waxian concept of the “Lightning Study,” currently in production at Lebal Drocer Laboratories, involving only a glance at raw facts and data as a means for writing an informed report. You’re welcome.

Our entrenched reporter, Viet Zam, has been in Modern Warfare 2 since it spawned November 10. Having received no contact from him in 72 hours, he is presumed dead.

The staff writers, the Media Mogul himself, Cold Hard Truth, billb(o), and Noah [biblical figure], have concluded that Modern Warfare 2 on Playstation 3 is the Official Game of The Elf Wax Times, and so should you. We’ve rated the game 10/10 and found that it contains nothing harmful to society or individuals unless ground into a fine dust and inhaled.

The only real problem with the game is that it keeps us from bringing you the truth. But, doesn’t that figuratively stand for truth? Shit, we’d be liars just by printing something. You don’t want to read something we didn’t want to write, and we don’t want to write shit you don’t wish to read, so we hope you’re enjoying Modern Warfare 2 as much as we are here at The Elf Wax Times office.

Being too busy playing MW2 to review, we decided to get some outside help on this one. YouTube provides a service for us all, and Viacom. Check out what our guest critic had to say about the game:

“Call of Duty 4 and 5 is okay, but fuck it…I was expectin’ it to be like Call of Duty  5 or better, better than fuckin’ better things, but shit!”

Seventeen hours straight
Seventeen hours straight

Jesus resurrected for Nazi Zombies 2

Zombie Jesus
Zombie Jesus

Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, has returned from the dead, making a cameo appearance in the Nazi Zombies update.

The Second Coming, sponsored by Sony and Red Bull, will feature strobe lights and the surviving members of Lynyrd Skynyrd attempting to cover songs off Slayer’s hit album Christ Illusion. Some analysts expect “mediocre” renditions of Supremist, “at best.”

Long-time fans of the Nazi Zombies mini-game featured in Call of Duty: World at War “can’t wait to shoot Jesus.”

Said little Jimmy Tinsley, “I’m gonna bury that cock-a-roach!” in a Cuban accent.

Videogame experts say Nazi Zombies is “the only feature that makes the game worth buying,” because “the actual game sucks.” Videogame experts are not paid for their work, however, and their opinions are invalid – since no one cares about what oily people living under their parents’ bedroom think.

It’s been a long-standing rumor that Jesus Saves, and XBOX and PlayStation 3 owners will be pleased to discover that killing Jesus will unlock a very useful achievement trophy: the ability to state-save Nazi Zombies – an ability that won’t actually affect the random-item box, but saves asses nonetheless.

Theologian Hunter T. Stockton said putting Jesus in a videogame, in which he resurrects, “The Second Coming,” only to stuff a shotgun in his mouth is horrifying to Christians and likely to result in petitions, protests and possible banning of all Treyarch games worldwide.

Treyarch, who are dedicated to making shitty, broken versions of once-great titles such as Call of Duty 4, said Christians could “stuff it” and ignorantly suggested they “go back to Christania.” What Treyarch’s spokesperson failed to realize is that Christians actually originate from a land of fantastic superstition known as Christland – where all prayers are answered within 24-48 hours, regardless of their effect on the natural progression of life as we know it.

Fans can find Jesus down their sights starting Monday, August 10th, 2009.

Virtual War Crosses Into Reality


Today, Call of Duty 4 took a tragic and deadly turn for the worse after SmokeyMcBong420 and PwnasaurusDeth traded insults over their PlayStation 3 headsets. Several eyewitnesses have independently confirmed that Pwnasaurus claimed to have lost a match due only to lag, irritating SmokeyMcBong and forcing him to challenge Pwnasaurus to a real life duel. Tragically, Pwnasaurus revealed his address to Smokey, who turned out to live within one mile of his house. Pwnasaurus had nothing but a double-barrel shotgun to protect himself, and fought conservatively-remaining under cover until Smokey approached his range. Smokey, an avid Sniper in Call of Duty, armed himself with a scoped .22 caliber rifle, and scanned the street for Pwnasaurus from his roof. Pwnasaurus took 5 rounds to the head, none of which had the power to penetrate his skull. Despite his wounds, Pwnasaurus skillfully snuck behind yards and fences until he had fully flanked Pwnasaurus. With surprise and massive underestimation of his 12 gauge’s effective range, Pwnasaurus was able to blow the entire neck and head off of Smokey with the first blast, and both his legs with the second. Shortly thereafter, Pwnasaurus died of blood loss from his head wounds. Neither were able to respawn, but both scored +10, resulting in a tie game.