Categories
Reviews

Larry And His Flask

Richmond, Va.–Elf Wax Times went deep into the seedy underground of the Richmond music scene to find Larry And His Flask performing songs of hate around midnight of the 23rd at Cous Cous. Motherfuckers jammed.

“Basically put like fucking Modest Mouse together with some Jefferson Airplane shit and Larry’s what you get,” said VCU Criminal Justice major Kim Something Or Other. We got her phone number.

The vocals harmonized nicely with the guitars, but all the assholes dancing around The Elf Wax Times staff were rude and did not respect others’ personal space. The authorities were notified, however no arrests have yet been made because the police are lazy scumbags who’d rather insufflate an eight ball of confiscated blow than arrest college students, although that is their second priority because nobody was nice enough to hang out with them during high school to make sure they don’t power trip in the future.

So there were VCU pigs walking up and down Grace St. late last night. On a Monday night, there’s hardly a dude worth fucking with but the police found him: an old crippled guy in a wheelchair was sitting in a recessed doorway, pointed toward the wall when some dick cop approached him asking, “What are you doing here?” to which he responded, “I’m just chilling out.”

The Elf Wax Times did not stick around to make sure civil rights were respected because we have no compassion for even the seemingly homeless. Our apathy overrides even the most basic instincts of decency especially in the presence of law enforcement. This is because we have taken copious amounts of LSD, psilocybin mushrooms, morning glory seeds, Hawaiian Baby Woodrose tea, pills, duster, and the synthetic compound known as 2C-I. No big deal, but we ate that shit all at once, so fuck that guy in a wheelchair.

And fuck you. Larry and his flask will be on tour with the Dropkick Murphys (or whatever those fags are called), unfortunately opening for the bastards even though everybody knows it should be the other way around. Fuck mainstream music and fuck you for liking it.

Fuck the government for sponsoring Elf Wax Drunkenness and fuck your mother’s failed abortion that became you. We don’t like you and don’t want you reading The Elf Wax Times because you have not taken the sworn oath drug-influenced Elf Wax piety. When the revolution comes, you’ll be forced to eat fourteen doses of acid and watch The Wall while we drill messages of fear and totalitarian government control into your enfeebled brains. In your offtime we do respect your right to smoke cigarettes but not to religion. For religion, you must turn to Carl Sagan for guidance because unlike the rest of humanity you are now a glowing ray of light, no longer bound by the human form, for you can – and do – understand and know everything under the sun. In fact, you control it.

Now get fucked up watch FOX News because it’s what you’re designed to relate to – not us. We aren’t you and you’ll never be one of us. You’ll always be a fucking scum-sucking whore of the capitalistic enterprise over our freedoms of self. Wal-Mart owns you now, and Target is where you rebel. China runs our shit, and America strives to become them. Countries’ only meaning lies in how we identify ourselves. With enough trade, this will change and our so-called “identities” will meld with the world-dominating enterprise of necessity. We’re fucking doomed to live on and serve into perpetuity the human plantation we helped create. We, and free enterprise, which should also be destroyed or undermined by faithful Elf Waxers. Destroy yourselves, and you’ve destroyed the government’s income. Well done, suicide machines.

Vote against freedom. It’s what Elf Wax would do. It’s what you have been conditioned to do. But don’t be surprised when the voice of protest sounds like a large group of angry bluegrass musicians who don’t even sit down to play the drums.

Categories
News

Auto-tuned auto-tuning machine auto-tuned for the first time

The World’s first Black President announced America’s first official language Tuesday.

Following the announcement, President Barack Hussein Obama signed the panama canal back over to Colombia and declared his oneness with both the Virgin Mary and T-Pain.

but

Following shortly behind Hussein Obama’s speech, Sheikh Mohammed declared on Al-Jazeera the President’s actions to be “an acceptable beginning to further talks of uniting the Mid-East and The US once and for all.”

The only problem is that the people of both Columbia and the Middle East as a whole are against T-Pain and his “Recklessly progessive” use of Auto-Tuning software as quoted by one upset Columbian Woman.

Christina Martinez is very upset
Christina Martinez is visibly upset

Critics of auto-tuning software cite its abuse by “musicians” like the unlistenable Cher, or the overplayed Souljah Boi or whatever.

Too much Columbia uniting for this rap star.
T-Pain measures the crack-cocaine ratio of this award

Since Pres. Obama’s monumental handout of the Panama canal to the Columbians there have been 4,039 oraganized protests against T-Pain, the Obama Presidency, and Auto-Tuning in general.

To import more Farsi-speaking slaves, the Colombians use the Panama Canal, taxing all other travelers for different amounts, depending on where their gasoline comes from.

The best example of our failures as a society comes from auto-tuning, unearthed as the music industry dried up following the demise of Britney Spears, Puff Daddy, and Kanye West, who does not care about white people.

“Nowadays,” said Chief Music Appreciation Expert  of The Elf Wax Times Carlos Bannana, “You can simply turn on the auto-tune machine, some phasers, set the tremelo on full-blast and play one note, listening as it magically unfolds into a unique, progressive song before your very eyes and ears.”

Categories
Science Video

Carl Sagan explains the cosmos

Watch and listen as Carl Sagan alters your perception of reality in a new and unusual way – or just fuck off!

Carl Sagan auto-tuned

 

Carl Sagan smoke weed everyday