China pirates self


In an astonishing blow to the country’s economy, China has managed to duplicate itself in the Communist state’s most recent piracy spree.

China(2), as experts are now calling it, will be placed on the country’s Desktop until room can be made in the State External Hard Drive (Taiwan). However, Taiwan is not ready to store the pirated nation until China agrees to a deal in which their service is exchanged for humanitarian respect. Because Taiwan expects something in return for their work, Chinese correspondents report that the separated nation runs a serious risk of looking like Metallica for taking such a “Lars Ulrichy” stance on piracy, declaring them, quote, “Big whiny pussies.”

Paradoxically, when China(2) was downloaded illegally off the Internet, the Chinese “Hong Kong’s-Disney Land Is-Too-Far-So-Bring-Your-Family-To-This-Amusement-Park-Instead” knockoff became an officially licensed Walt Disney World, complete with Snow White and the Seven Dwarves, as well as other public domain stories and characters for which copyrights have been hijacked and redeployed for profits.

Also, scientists say that due to the lossy compression method of the recently downloaded China(2), its lead content has nearly halved, and the new country’s methods of corruption are already effecting the integrity of the Communist State’s underlying systems of internal exchange.

“One can watch as [the document] collapses in on itself before the eyes,” said Chinese(2) correspondent Jack Danielson. “In a vacuum, China(2) can not stand up to its own self-annihilation. The isolated economy of China(2) seems to have backwashed on itself and the citizens appear to be resorting to Capitalism as a means of survival. It is unprecedented.”

China is available for download on Apple’s iTunes for US $.99 and a nominal sign-up fee. The paid, legal copy comes fully stocked with connections to North Korea and Russia, and unlike its pirated counterpart, poisons babies with formula replaced by authentic Chinese cleaning powders.

ELF ONLINE: TAKE THE MONEY AND FUN


Guangdong, Cn.–Unpopular Chinese gaming company HappyMMO has swindled roughly twenty-five gamers out of their American money in a bid to relieve personal economic hardships abroad using a “game” known as Elf Online, an MMORPG in which people get together, set up shops, and do quests with each other while an unknown entity reaps the unseen profits funneled in when users are forced to purchase in-game items in order to advance their characters.

In Elf Online, U.S. currency is traded for worthless in-game items and charm potions (US $20) that give users “1500 affection”, a meaningless statistic that arbitrarily changes a pet’s willingness to do what one says. Pets are “captured” for US $20 and offer no in-game advantages.

The official Elf Online Forums have fallen into disuse as one spammer by the name of “SidorooloFrom” generated thirty-five pages worth of posts containing links to pornography, pharmaceutical advertisements, and internet dating sites that don’t really exist.

Investigation reports broken English and poorly put-together sentences throughout the game, even on the opening screen, where the user must click, “STRAT GAME” in order to enter the mysteriously empty Elven world.

The website, happymmo.com, which is almost unnavigable due to its poor English and sparse Chinese dropdown menus, is registered to Chinese citizen Lin Yong, a known scam-artist and child pornographer who has not been publicly available for comment since May, 2008, when users began demanding both forum and in-game moderation in the wake of neglect.

General Tso's Chicken 13% Lead


General Tso’s chicken is a staple of American Chinese take-out restaurants, familiar to millions of fatasses. Starting at the turn of the 20th century, early Chinese restaurants began to sprout up all over America, fueled by the popularity of General Tso’s chicken. Chinese establishments have long been known to spike their food with inordinate amounts of MSG, a practice that increases business at the expense of public health.
Recent scientific findings by trusted Elf Wax scientists have revealed a dangerously high lead content in many Chinese restaurants. Due to the use of lead paint in take-out menus, food coloring, and dish soap, some restaurants have served Elf Wax scientists with General Tso’s Chicken contaminated with fatal doses of lead. The amount of lead ranged as high as 13% leading a few racist republicans to theorize the Chinese government is attempting to poison America.
Beijing has refused to comment on the actions of “American Citizens” who are in no way influenced by the Chinese government. Several restaurant owners were asked to comment, but none could do so in fluent English. Beijing did state that “the Chinese paint industry does not rely on lead,” but several lead mines have been located by our journalists through Google Earth. While China denies that they have the ability to purify Lead into food-grade dyes, the purchase of 17 centrifuges from Iran has prompted an international uproar. Our experts advise that if you suspect your food of being overly dense or sporting a suspicious metallic sheen, that you should avoid eating a full serving. “You can’t be too cautious when it comes to lead in your food” -Dr Angstrom H. Troubador

President Obama contracts swine flu

Washington, D.C.–Due to coming into close physical contact with government pigs in Washington, U.S. President Barack Hussein Obama has been diagnosed with the H1N1 virus, popularly known as swine flu, following a doctor visit Friday.

Noticeable symptoms include tiredness of the eyes, a glazed “thousand-yard-stare” and the onset of a delirium so intense that President Obama has accidentally given all the taxpayers’ money to AIG, which was consequently sent to Europe and China. The president has also begun weighing unseen, possibly imagined factors that incidentally, are found to have greater impact in the ongoing financial crisis than the broad lexicon of “facts” and trends made publicly available by the powers that be.

President Hussein, consulting Jihadists on foreign policy

“This newfound insight gained from the President’s crippling delusional attacks has opened a window through which the public can now see what really affects world politics,” Professor of Political Science at Berkeley, California and tweed jacket enthusiast, David Brunauer said earlier this morning.

“He keeps talking about this little smokey room that he’s forced into on a weekly basis and made to watch pro-Deion Sanders propaganda,” Brunauer intimated. And then panic flashed through his eyes, as he rhetorically asked, “Is that guy even relevant to football anymore?”

The room is allegedly decorated with Miley Cyrus and Hannah Montana flair so concentrated it can transform any man’s ordinary sexual conviction into raging pedophilia.

“Hanging from the ceilings are hooks, chains and leather straps,” Brunauer described. “I’d like to see this room,” he said skeptically, “And I’d sure like to experience it.”

Indeed, the journalism community is swarming with ant-like fervor around these new details, as signals of a New World Order are coming to light – small rooms where the world’s fate is decided by brainwashing techniques centered around a post-pubescent-but-not-quite-legal collage of Disney’s top-earning star. The president and forced sodomy. His relationship to Saddam Hussein Obama [deceased]. His recent affection for Hugh Laurie and his award-winning portrayal of the pseudo-doctor, Gregory House.

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton said of Obama, “He’s been holed up in the White House bedroom for close to two weeks now. I peeked in on him earlier today and he was sprawled out across the top comforter of the king-size presidential bed on his stomach, watching House on his laptop, complaining of Hulu.com’s interjecting advertisements, and kicking his legs around in the air behind him like he didn’t have a care in the world. Iran is building nukes, God damn it!” Clinton’s face then melted, revealing the menacing facade of a cinder-eyed cyborg, gnashing its silvery teeth for Elf Wax reporters. This is part of her regular self-destruct sequence, however, and aides reassured the press that it is no cause for alarm.

Hillary Clinton braces for meltdown

As swine flu rips through the White House, out of its bursting seams come the tides of change, but not the change Americans voted for back in November. Some analysts are saying swine flu is just what the country needed. Others warn of an impending apocalypse as the President’s mental breakdown points to a takeover by the Chinese Mafia. “A bloodless coup is pretty much impossible at this point,” warns chief military adviser Harry Branch, “as Russia and China have dedicated themselves to rebuilding their arsenals, akin to a modern-day Cold War arms race.”

President Obama reports that in the coming war, he will have the computer banks of his Central Command Center hooked up to Blizzard’s real-time strategy game Starcraft, so that he “may better command his forces in a way that he is most familiar with.”

Ridiculously, Obama believes the computer game will simulate the real-life forces and effects of the U.S. Army, in spite of the fact that neither Russia nor China will respond with “a predictable Zerg rush,” as his new, hallucinated cabinet has forecast.

The president says it will be a long, drawn out single-player campaign, during which nobody will have the opportunity to use his home computer for any purpose, even to briefly check their gmail accounts. Not even porn will be allowed, Obama said. He explained, “What is not widely known about Starcraft is that pressing alt+tab will minimize the game so that other programs may be used. That’s great, but when you bring Starcraft back to full screen, the colors are all messed up, requiring a restart, and that is a threat to the country I can not in good conscience permit.”

An SCV rush, or what Obama calls “The Peoples’ Revolt”

Due to multiplying health concerns, many Americans have come forward asking Obama to be the first black man to step down as president. “Sensing weakness in your pathetic hearts,” he replied, “I will not step down as president, but I will step up my game, and step on anybody who tries to get in my way, including you, your family, your lives and this country. But I will not walk on China, to whom I have just surrendered the last of our physical currency.” Obama then said, “Good game,” and went back into the oval office, where Maury could be overheard declaring someone to be the father of yet another unwanted child. The move was dubbed an ‘allied victory’ so Americans can still say they’ve “never lost a war.”

As of now, the country is in turmoil and things are just getting worse thanks to the critically-flawed strategies of the Obama administration. The Chinese drug lords have officially breached the ground floor of Elf Wax Times Western Hemisphere North American Headquarters, Cuthbert, Georgia, declaring martial law.

This just in: S.O.S. we are being held against our wills and are being told via translator that death camps await the Elf Wax staff for severe penalties against the Central Chinese government relating to a video released last month of actors pretending to be Chinese guardsmen protecting the values of China in Tibet. Several of us have been killed for attempted escape. The rest will follow. May God have mercy on our souls.

Study: Olympic Torch Relay Completely Unrelated to Tibet-China Conflict

PALO ALTO, CA–Amidst recent protests disrupting the Olympic Torch Relay throughout several countries, a recent study conducted by the Logical Institute of Thought, or LIT, in Palo Alto has concluded that in no point in the modern Olympic Games’ 112-year history has the worldly tradition of relaying the ignited Olympic torch ever interfered or influenced any portion or outcome of the meaningless Tibetan struggle for whatever it is they want.

Though the running of the Olympic Torch is a long-standing tradition that has significant meaning to many individuals, expert scientists at the LIT have stated that in no way does the torch or its flame have any power to end any conflicts whatsoever, especially those between conflicting nations.

In a press release yesterday, Steve Zillwiger, head of research at the LIT, stated “It is completely [depletive exleted] ridiculous that anyone in their right mind would think that by extinguishing a small symbolic flame, they can solve all of a country’s problems, especially a small irrelevant country like Tibet. What’s next, standing in front of army tanks? ” Zillwiger was also heard muttering, “If whining was an Olympic sport, these [protesters] would undoubtedly take home the gold.”

On Tuesday in San Francisco, a city nowhere even remotely close to Tibet, the Olympic Torch was met with many protesters, some whom even climbed the Golden Gate Bridge to beg for attention. San Francisco native, Danny McDermott, 25, commented, “Yeah, ever since Full House ended, it’s like people feel the need to draw as much attention possible to themselves, whether it be drum circles, not showering, hacky-sacking, playing acoustic guitars in public places, or driving Hybrid [vehicles]. Also they seem to like the number two a lot.” McDermott then raised two fingers in a V-like shape. He also added, “It’s actually a lot like Africa when you think about it, but instead of food, people here are starved for attention.”
UPDATE: In an Elf Waxclusive news story, the EWT has just uncovered information that the Olympic Ceremonies in Beijing have been cancelled and instead been moved to the safer and more neutral location of the Gaza Strip. Sources say this move is for the better and should finally “shut up those wannabe-Tibetan whiners.” Resultingly, the Olympic Committee has already been praised for their swift yet effective thinking.

You heard it here first!