Luka Rocco Magnotta framed by enemies

Luka Magnotta wrongly accused by Canadian authorities
Luka Magnotta, seen here not eating a corpse

“I want my Pomeranian back.”
– Magnotta

Canadian Playboy Luka Magnotta, famous for his controversial worldviews and love of necrophilia, was wrongly accused by Canadian Mounties as being the star killer of a viral snuff film in which a Chinese student is brutally suffocated and stabbed to death with an ice pick, by an unknown killer.

The full video features the grizzly murder of a nude male Chinese national. The person in the video, who is not Magnotta, is seen dismembering, eating, and committing violent sexual acts upon the motionless, Communist corpse. In a gesture of goodwill, the individual’s body parts were later packaged and sent to Canadian political figures as thanks for fixing the economy and appropriate handling of G-20 protesters.

CHRONICLE UPDATE: BERLIN– Sources confirmed Magnotta was taken in Monday by the Gestapo. He has not been seen since.

In his own words, Magnotta explains that he was framed and the police have the wrong person, and that he wants his Pomeranian back:

“Killed who? Magnotta chance in hell!”

Houston Rockets' Yao Ming Retires, Like a Quitter, from Basketball

Yao Ming retires
Yao Ming (center) pretends to be bothered so he doesn't look like such a quitter.

Chinese athlete Yao Ming announced his retirement from the NBA Wednesday at the premature age of 31.

Yao’s success made him an international superstar and expanded the National Basketball Association’s fan base into China and other parts of Asia where enjoyment of sports is still prohibited.

Yao was big into the Olympics and shit. He carried the Chinese flag at the opening ceremony of the 2004 Athens Olympics and that pissed off a lot of Greek people but their gods didn’t help them or anything. Still, Yao Ming sucked at life so he sprained his ankle while proving he could scale entire neighborhoods around historic Athens. Serves him right for showing off. What a dick.

Yao Ming clearly does not give a fuck
Yao Ming was "tall as a bitch" and became Internet-famous for not giving a fuck.

At the start of the 2008 Beijing Olympics, Yao carried the Olympic torch through Tiananmen Square and the Chinese flag during the opening ceremonies, before being gunned down by riot police and then his legs were run over by tanks. This caused Ming to miss hundreds of games, sitting out on the entire 2009-10 season.

He told reporters the last six months have been “an agonizing wait” as he pondered his basketball future under the weight of a half-million troops marching over his crumpled torso.

The Houston Rockets’ coach Rick Adelman said while Ming was a valuable player, leading the Rockets into four post-season playoff appearances and making the All-Star team eight times, he is still pretty glad he’s gone. “Everybody can stop walking around like there’s a four-foot pole lodged up their asses,” Adelman said.

“We had to walk around like we was holdin’ a turd in,” said Rockets Point Guard Marcus Greene, lighting a Newport. “Shit. That slope even made the niggas look short.”

Ming’s retirement is generally regarded as a good thing, even by his disappointed family, because he cried like the bitch quitter he is in front of lots of people.

Noteworthy note reveals autonomous manifestation as method of existence

The note read 'round the world
The note read 'round the world

Oshawa, Canada–Recently a cryptic note circulated around the internet, warning that at any moment, the world could be put into checkmate, that it’s all about to come down, and that yep’s in it with twenty one dollars on the heavy walrus.

Typed in courier font forming four near-cubic paragraphs, the note’s message was obscured by its own syntax – until now.

In an exclusive interview with Jes White, the pseudonym used by the note’s semi-schizophrenic author, The Elf Wax Times sheds some light on the true message behind his communication to twenty five random subway passengers on March 26. Surprisingly, the note was not a hoax and the story behind it only gets more interesting.

“Jes White” offers unique insights into his dynamic reality – starting with how the Chinese know everything, but only in response to the Germans who appear to know nothing; both are friendly. The afterlife, or perhaps our whole existence, is controlled by a force he calls robotics, which is one of two reasons he seeks the benefits of the anti-aging compound mentioned in the interview and referenced elusively in his note (reading “a longterm village is needed”); the other reason being he wants to spend more time with his friends, who he loves. And finally, we are the defining essence of the robot, so it is how we choose to manipulate robotics whether or not the flow of existence works in our favor or against us.

The note reads:

i've activated the following chinese address
biyao chang jiu cunzi dianzi fangzhi genqian

a long term village is necessary, to prevent
electronics from being in front of something

he is in toronto, working for who we believe
to be us. can't you see it's a turtle? which
means you have twenty four more hours, maybe
from twenty years ago. ya do a false move ya
i'd put this whole planet in checkmate quick

it's going down cause it's busted, yea she's
banging this fool like she wants te. yep's in
it with twenty one dollars on the heavy walrus

The interview follows.

EWT: What does the note mean? Who is the turtle?

JW: “I figured that’s about, uh – don’t steal my chocolate! Hello? OK, uhm, yeah, uh the turtle, nobody’s really a turtle.”

EWT: There’s a rumor going around that you are schizophrenic.

JW: I am schizophrenic, I hear voices. I used to hear voices and, uh, it just means that, uh, for scientific reasons I’ve been in the – like, it’s not so clear. calling someone schizophrenic is usually a straightforward type of thing to do, but in my case where it is scientific, you have to consider it to be a chemical. Let’s say if you have a periodic table of elements, if you have a table of periodic elements, and each one is a chemical that reacts in certain ways, you can have various chemicals that have certain properties and if I’ve been classified as schizophrenic, it doesn’t mean I am perfectly schizophrenic.

EWT: So, you are like many mild schizophrenics who are not totally disabled by it?

JW: I’m easy to get along with, it’s just that I hypothesize a lot. I’m always attracted to business. I’m attracted to business because I think about – uh, I use my imagination, I have a lot of desires and it gets twisted and my emotions – how I feel – it ends up getting twisted because I’m unhappy about my situation. I feel like there’s a lack of accomplishments to my profile. It’s not like I haven’t done stuff that’s good, but I can honestly be somewhere else and I’m trying to make it happen. And that’s where I come from. I’d like to be in a different situation than I am. There are so many things that are unrealistic that I am dissatisfied about.

EWT: So you would like to make your visions a reality?

JW: I want to make a difference in reality, what’s happening and what’s not happening. It ends up showing up in my work how I’m dissatisfied with reality.

EWT: About the note…

JW: It’s a composition that was controlled.

EWT: So is there a purpose to it beyond you messing with people?

JW: Yeah.

EWT: What is the purpose?

JW: I want to have a better lifespan with my friends.

Editor’s note: In an preliminary phone interview with the author, he discussed a chemical allegedly discovered in Korea that can extend the lifespan of a human up to 25% – or 25,000 years.

EWT: Is there a chemical that does this?

JW: Yeah, I seen one from Korea. CGK733 increases your lifespan by twenty five percent but the guy that discovered it, he got suspended from his job because the Koreans are making a deal out of – they think it’s inappropriate. They said the findings were false. But clearly if you go on Wikipedia you’ll see what it says.

EWT: But Wikipedia can be edited by anyone, it can’t be cited as a source.

JW: Yeah, but I saw that it happened in medical journals.

Editor’s note: At this point in the interview, phone service dropped out unexpectedly, because we were calling Canada and ran out of money. The rest of the interview was conducted via instant messenger.

EWT: This chemical was in medical journals?

JW: yes it was

EWT: Yeah, I just looked it up and apparently they fabricated the whole thing. No such compound really exists that would help our aging in such a way.

JW: oh i see
but you know it’s awkward because they are calling it false but there was clear descriptions of the chemical
it could not be false

EWT: it’s very strange indeed

JW: he got suspended for misrepresentation. but the story has to be complicated. it’s not pure fake; definitely not. anyways you know it’s called senescence. the study of the lifespan of cells

EWT: according to the investigation, the compound was misrepresented as being more powerful than it really is – that it takes the effect on senescence, but not to the degree they said it does. Is this right?

JW: maybe that’s right
exactly i do agree with you there that the reason is what they said about the power of it. they made it look better than it was, but you see they have the computer technology and they’re doing almost nothing. if you can study in that direction i would suppose the potential is strong; like the chemical is just a small example of nothing where i’m sure you could do a whole bunch

EWT: I wonder if those Koreans weren’t just trying to turn a quick buck. But the 25% lifespan thing – that’s a huge claim.

JW: yes it is

EWT: do you live with your parents?

JW: right now i do, why do you ask?

EWT: I read some Digg comments where the people allegedly talked to your folks

JW: ya you know i should written my cell phone but i lost the charger. i didn’t realize it would be on the internet

EWT: honestly I first assumed you uploaded this picture yourself

JW: gave it [the note] to five people on the subway inside
you know something happened

EWT: what happened?

JW: um, like it got somewhere and you know it’s interesting how it took place like that.

EWT: and now look, 1200+ people are all digging it

JW: oh thats good. interesting.

EWT: which is why I wanted to decipher the “code” or what your message was intended to say

JW: ya essentially what it is is, kind of like well i used my dictionary and my power spots and i came up with something using alphanumeric calculations

Editor’s note: the exact calculations were not discussed, but we trust the math is true.

JW: the inside of how i put the device together like what was written in chinese, is devised of how i’ve been looking for heat spots forever trying to find the hottest numbers.

EWT: what does this achieve?

JW: well i have some exhibits such as things that i’ve done that are circuits like mechanisms
i was smoking a cigar one time and i wrote a poem and it exploded everywhere just because of the screws involved, so i used the number

Editor’s note: at this point in the conversation he discusses the number 151 at great length. It has been omitted for relevance.

EWT: Did the news do a story on you already? Someone on Digg said they had.

JW: not in Toronto, it was local news, pennsylvania

EWT: about the note: I feel like I am beginning to understand it even though it supposedly ‘makes no sense.’ What’s going down “cause it’s busted”? And the coolest part – the ending – “yep’s in it with twenty one dollars on the heavy walrus” …is the heavy walrus a person?

Editor’s note: it was requested that we leave his response to this question out. There is an explanation for the final paragraph and it’s a very good one. It can be noted, however, that “the walrus” is from Alice in Wonderland with the carpenter and yep is a graffiti artist from Ottowa.

EWT: wow.

JW: yea

EWT: “i’d put this whole planet in checkmate quick”?

JW: that’s about robotics type stuff: gold indexes, inter-global banks and planetary operations. Some people end up getting ripped off like the type of style where your after life is dirty and doesn’t look very good.
i mean, i would make that more subject to take place in hell
robotics and hell. best word i know is hell – I don’t like it, but what i’m trying to say is the afterlife. it can be bad, and robotics control it.

EWT: and so electronics, as you write, would be standing in the way of Heaven, which as you define it, would be us achieving peace, or the goal you seek which is near-eternal life, so we can love our friends forever?

JW: yeah, yeah, yeah. thats how i feel just as well as you.

EWT: well, your note made me feel that way.

JW: good.

EWT: What role do the Chinese play in your life?

JW: Well they used to say different kinds of things, like you know voices that you can hear that sort of sound a bit like the kind inside your head. it’s very friendly. they know a lot about your method. they know about you.

EWT: What do they know?

JW: everything. the robot is so healthy, he could do anything he wants to with the information about anyone, such as you, especially if it’s important. the robotic process is completely perfect, such that it has maps of everything. time, space. its so well-built, you could talk about its design for years

EWT: so the robot is not here to help us?

JW: the robot is almost pure, it is capable of so much. it just doesn’t work for us very much

EWT: so you feel that it just isn’t doing enough?

JW: strategies of people like you and me, make what’s happening good, and prevent it from being garbage

EWT: I agree, we are using technology for good right this minute, in spite of all the garbage it could be. Or robots to use your expression.

Editor’s note: In retrospect, I originally misinterpreted JW’s intended use of the term ‘robots’ and erroneously compared it to technology itself. JW was a good sport, however, and seems to have just gone along with it. JW and I then had some very personal conversation between this point and the final bit which follows, in which JW reveals that he may be the robot, or perhaps more metaphorically, we are all the robot, and thus the ruler of everything individually.

JW: it’s so super how i work. like when i sleep, i send people places. and it works with a great level of essence. yes, [the note] is art. i am an artist, but in my science sphere i am working with much finesse. i know about this, so yes, it is big.

Internet addiction 'doubles teen self harm'

First off, lol.

The photo you see here accompanied the headline on this horribly-formatted website. Or, I can demonstrate it for you, and I’ll even throw in the ten seconds of editing that these lazy fucks clearly could not be bothered with. Or maybe they simply check to make sure their ads work in IE and say fuck the rest. Read to the end for the terrible truth.

Internet addiction ‘doubles teen self-harm’

These girls are probably just efficiently sexting.
These girls are probably just efficiently sexting.

By This N0t-So-Anonymous Douchebag.

Holy tits. It’s a story using Chinese research, you know this is legit.

Since the mid-1990s, addiction to the Internet has been classified as a mental illness (lol). The study published today in Injury Prevention, a state-owned magazine about preventing injury, aides the Chinese in a practice natural selection has been fine-tuning since before the dawn of time – basic survival – by insinuating that children who use the internet a lot will be twice as likely to self-harm.

The self-harming is in no way related to the oppressive conditions under the Chinese dictatorship, the study reported. “In fact, a large percentage of self-harm may be due to an excessive exposure to any emotion other than pure love for the State,” the Elf Wax Scientific Journal (already) reported in August.

One kid was harming the shit out of himself before the study began, and the attention he gained from being studied “subsided all abnormal, anti-social behavior.” However, this did not stop Chinese authorities for arresting the child on a possession charge for having too much more attention than other people in the country, a severe violation of the principles of Communism.

Other factors were accounted for in the study, this shitty article reports, “such as lifestyle, stressful events, the Chinese ban on both reproduction and masturbation, home environments, and others.

For this survey, self-harm meant something like pinching, cutting, burning, hair-pulling and intentionally holding in the feces for long periods of time.

—————————————————————————

Let it be known that we here at The Elf Wax Times do not click on “Twitter” accounts – not even our own. Should we ever link to some shit-eating website we do not like, trust, or even want you to see, we right-click and select “copy link location” so we don’t waste our high-speed 56k internets on shit sites that don’t spell Truth.

The site we’ve referenced here is special, because it came about as the product of a powerful new blog software by Lebal Drocer that feeds Google news into the front end, Google images for relevant pictures, and AI-generates a story out its back end, throws all that shit together into broken div elements and just spews out an excuse for advertisements, which are also generated by keywords.

ELF ONLINE: TAKE THE MONEY AND FUN


Guangdong, Cn.–Unpopular Chinese gaming company HappyMMO has swindled roughly twenty-five gamers out of their American money in a bid to relieve personal economic hardships abroad using a “game” known as Elf Online, an MMORPG in which people get together, set up shops, and do quests with each other while an unknown entity reaps the unseen profits funneled in when users are forced to purchase in-game items in order to advance their characters.

In Elf Online, U.S. currency is traded for worthless in-game items and charm potions (US $20) that give users “1500 affection”, a meaningless statistic that arbitrarily changes a pet’s willingness to do what one says. Pets are “captured” for US $20 and offer no in-game advantages.

The official Elf Online Forums have fallen into disuse as one spammer by the name of “SidorooloFrom” generated thirty-five pages worth of posts containing links to pornography, pharmaceutical advertisements, and internet dating sites that don’t really exist.

Investigation reports broken English and poorly put-together sentences throughout the game, even on the opening screen, where the user must click, “STRAT GAME” in order to enter the mysteriously empty Elven world.

The website, happymmo.com, which is almost unnavigable due to its poor English and sparse Chinese dropdown menus, is registered to Chinese citizen Lin Yong, a known scam-artist and child pornographer who has not been publicly available for comment since May, 2008, when users began demanding both forum and in-game moderation in the wake of neglect.

General Tso's Chicken 13% Lead


General Tso’s chicken is a staple of American Chinese take-out restaurants, familiar to millions of fatasses. Starting at the turn of the 20th century, early Chinese restaurants began to sprout up all over America, fueled by the popularity of General Tso’s chicken. Chinese establishments have long been known to spike their food with inordinate amounts of MSG, a practice that increases business at the expense of public health.
Recent scientific findings by trusted Elf Wax scientists have revealed a dangerously high lead content in many Chinese restaurants. Due to the use of lead paint in take-out menus, food coloring, and dish soap, some restaurants have served Elf Wax scientists with General Tso’s Chicken contaminated with fatal doses of lead. The amount of lead ranged as high as 13% leading a few racist republicans to theorize the Chinese government is attempting to poison America.
Beijing has refused to comment on the actions of “American Citizens” who are in no way influenced by the Chinese government. Several restaurant owners were asked to comment, but none could do so in fluent English. Beijing did state that “the Chinese paint industry does not rely on lead,” but several lead mines have been located by our journalists through Google Earth. While China denies that they have the ability to purify Lead into food-grade dyes, the purchase of 17 centrifuges from Iran has prompted an international uproar. Our experts advise that if you suspect your food of being overly dense or sporting a suspicious metallic sheen, that you should avoid eating a full serving. “You can’t be too cautious when it comes to lead in your food” -Dr Angstrom H. Troubador

Local Chinaman "not the issue"

The Chinese have denied the existence of a recent video released showing the vicious beatings of Tibetans by what appear to be a small Chinese police force. In their defense, a Chinese official proudly stated that because the video was posted over YouTube, a web service that has been officially banned since 2008, they never saw it, it doesn’t exist, and as far as they care, whatever video that happens to be floating around out there is simply pro-Tibet propaganda determined to tarnish the the central Chinese government’s consistent track record displaying its ability to cover up an obvious total crackdown on all unofficial states of mind.

Outside source Walter Sobchack told Elf Wax reporters it was in fact a matter of “unchecked aggression,” saying, “The Chinaman is not the issue here, dude. I’m talking about drawing a line in the sand. Across this line, YOU DO NOT-” Sobchack interrupted himself to iterate that Chinaman is not the preferred nomenclature, requesting reporters and his bowling partner to use the politically correct, updated term, “Asian American, please.”

A Chinese government official was quoted as saying, “The Dalai Lama group is used to fabricating lies to deceive the international community.” The unnamed speaker for the Chinese police-state said he had personally gathered evidence with far-reaching implications in the future dynamics of religion and politics as he went on to complain of yo’ mama jokes which the Dalai Lama and others had made in regards to her weight and intelligence. “Every joke contains a kernel of truth,” he cited, and so the jokes were later proven by the state with photographic and anecdotal evidence to be largely untrue. He said, “she has never tripped over any phone, cordless or otherwise, even when we had telegraph wire lying in the floor of the opium dens.” The Chinese Secretary of Defense Chi Gong was once recorded wearing a wire complimenting [unnamed spokesperson]’s yellow raincoat which he said, “neither made people call out taxi, nor prevented her from hailing one, as our state transportation department cab service is fair, balanced and justified regarding its decisions of who, and who not, to pick up when selecting fares, even in the cases of these vicious beatings, which did not happen, the Tibetans were provided with a prompt, free taxi service to a Tibetan shrine deep into the Earth’s crust.”

However, there was already such public outcry against the Dalai Lama’s earlier mama jokes from prior months that, by this time, the Tibetan spiritual and political leader was exiled indefinitely from Tibet by Chinese authorities. So unlike actual Chinese-Tibetan Buddhist monks, the Dalai Lama protests safely from Dharamshala, India.

In a backstage interview, an unnamed Chinese actor said he portrayed a security guard whose role in the filming of the anti-Chinese propaganda video was to pretend to beat, choke and kick people tied up with mock zip-ties. “For a group of people who have released all worldly possessions, they sure are attached to their land; we want to show the world just how attached they are,” he said. “Hey, you guys wanna go eat some Chinese after this?”
In an interview with an actual Chinese security guard who requested that he not be named, lest the heavy hand of Communism wipe his existence out entirely, said that if what happened in the video were to have actually taken place, “The idea would be to get them acquainted with beatings, captivity and general harassment methods and try to open them up to the idea that staying here isn’t going to be the peaceful, meditative experience they thought they’d live the rest of their lives out to be.” He continued, “What they tell you in the pamphlets and the brochures about this place, whatever it is, it can’t be true. We are constantly beating and torturing these people. Abducting them, interrogating them and locking them away in our prisons. With all the beatings, I really don’t think it’s a very suitable place for retirement into the tranquil arms of unending peace.”

The Dalai Lama said he will turn his back on the failure of Tibet once he finally overcomes how awesome it is that he became the Dalai Lama because he accidentally picked out the right combination of hairbrushes, cups and toys as an infant, an event which some claim he “doesn’t even remember”.