Astronauts, tired of endless scientific experiments and tedious docking procedures have completed final docking of an entirely new “chill room” which features a specially designed zero-G couch, a PlayStation 3, and a huge keg. The new room is also “420 friendly” as advertised on craigslist, which is identified as the module’s point of origin.
Some of the residents of the International Space Station have given the “chill room” two thumbs up, praising it for the high resolution of the HD television and great satellite TV reception. The gamers, however, complain of “laggy” game play issues that are entirely ruining their experience.
“I didn’t become an astronaut so I could have a first rate gaming system with a second rate network connection” complained one Cosmonaut, who later professed his love for Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare. “I’ll shoot the guy, square in the face, and next thing you know I’m being shown a ‘kill cam’ in which I stupidly stare at some n00b wildly spraying bullets in my direction. What a fucking let down.”
The “chill room” also features a telescope window where Astronauts can look at stars and shit, while gaping in glassy-eyed stupor at the wonder that is so far out of their reach. One totally screwed-up ‘naut stared at the Andromeda galaxy for an entire hour, “All of the sudden I realized, dude, that thing is only a few inches big on my telescope but in all likelihood comprises thousands if not millions of planets that bear life.”
Ground control has repeatedly had to discipline the Astronauts for leaving the “chill room” a complete mess. “When they’re up there, floating around sleeping in zero-G with Doritos and PS3 controllers floating all over the place, it can get dangerous. The best we can do is to signal a critical alarm, and hope they don’t just go back to the booze when they realize what we’re trying to do. It hasn’t been working out well.”
Astronaut productivity is down nearly 30 percent and one experiment which is monitoring the effects of zero gravity on a small population of shrimp has apparently disappeared. The implication is that the experiment was eaten. Freeze-dried rations are pitiful munchies, and perhaps we can forgive our Astronauts, because like us, they don’t really give half a shit about how shrimp deal with living in space.
There’s another air strike on your position. Enemy UAV is airborne!
Your commander’s voice is booming over the sound of gunshots and explosions around you. The raging battle is deafening but his voice is louder, telling you to “Kill. Kill. Kill.” Yes God. The adrenaline has rushed into your face and is popping capillaries to the point where your eyesight has become simultaneously dulled to a violent hum and sharpened to perfection. You have loaded a rocket-propelled grenade, it is armed and ready. Your fingers stick to the trigger guards with sweat, but seem to be sewn to it by your nerves.
Orders are to take the Akhbar Bridge, or destroy it trying. Your regiment’s duty is to ensure the continued existence of seven points on the map. So far, you’ve lost one building but not the critical one. Not yours. Sitting. Dividing. Waiting patiently for the signal, you–a man in shroudsappears around the corner, firing his AK-47 before he even sees you. You pull the trigger. Your life, nor your death were in vain because you have killed a would-be attacker, thereby sparing your teammates an embarrassing loss. You might be dead, but so is he. And that’s that. You might be dead, now. An everlasting memory in your family’s eyes, a stain in the dirt, an American Flag sent Home, but at least you killed him.
The uncontrolled flow of information in the form of music, video, text, and images has crossed the threshold of our leadership’s tolerance. Government officials have declared an end to the Internet, and computers altogether. President Crystal Palin made a statement this evening at a hostile press conference in the White House. “The Internet has devalued all informational property and left the entertainment industry in ruins. We will be bailing out all the major film and video game companies with a 4 billion dollar stimulus package. This action is necessary to recuperate damages incurred by informational theft en masse. From today forward, computer networks of more than two computers will be illegal.”
Our watchdog organization, the Waxtronetic Foundation, has used its faculties to obtain proof that Crystal Palin has been downloading gay porn over bit torrents. The White House has not responded to our request for a statement on the matter.
Next week Metallica is holding a victory parade through New York City which will be headed by a giant inflatable bust of Lars Ulrich. A one-mile vicinity will be cleared on each side of the parade, effectively forcing up to two million people to either pay for $200 tickets or evacuate the area from 9am to midnight next Friday. Metallica will not be present, however several cover bands will make up the musical attraction of the parade.
Software and video game designers have issued a collective sigh of relief, now that they do not have to worry about programming more and more absurdly complex serial number systems to prevent piracy.
The music industry is bathing in seas of riches as the new iTunes mail-order system has begun to see profits. iTunes customers will now have to mail-order iPods pre-loaded with music sold at previous rates in addition to a nominal $20 loading fee.
Not all groups are so happy with the downfall of the internet. Online gamers have especially been outraged at the president’s oppressive totalitarian decree. These gamers are highly trained killing machines who have no other hobbies but playing out virtual wars against harder and harder opponents. These players’ murmurs of revolution are already being picked up on Waxtronetic Foundation wire taps-to the horror of the government. Troops have been ordered to the highest alert in Washington, but no reinforcements have been ordered. While a coup is more likely than not, it is clear that the gamers are not being taken seriously.
Players of the popular mmorpg World of Starcraft 2 have committed suicide on a massive scale, although this news has been somewhat ignored because of the death of the internet. Those people are just bandwidth hogs who deserved to die to begin with, and national media has left their story for the back page of the few newspapers left alive. As nothing can now be reported without profits in mind, journalism has finally struck the balance it once finessed.
Capitalism has triumphed over the evils of free information, thanks to President Palin.
Today, Call of Duty 4 took a tragic and deadly turn for the worse after SmokeyMcBong420 and PwnasaurusDeth traded insults over their PlayStation 3 headsets. Several eyewitnesses have independently confirmed that Pwnasaurus claimed to have lost a match due only to lag, irritating SmokeyMcBong and forcing him to challenge Pwnasaurus to a real life duel. Tragically, Pwnasaurus revealed his address to Smokey, who turned out to live within one mile of his house. Pwnasaurus had nothing but a double-barrel shotgun to protect himself, and fought conservatively-remaining under cover until Smokey approached his range. Smokey, an avid Sniper in Call of Duty, armed himself with a scoped .22 caliber rifle, and scanned the street for Pwnasaurus from his roof. Pwnasaurus took 5 rounds to the head, none of which had the power to penetrate his skull. Despite his wounds, Pwnasaurus skillfully snuck behind yards and fences until he had fully flanked Pwnasaurus. With surprise and massive underestimation of his 12 gauge’s effective range, Pwnasaurus was able to blow the entire neck and head off of Smokey with the first blast, and both his legs with the second. Shortly thereafter, Pwnasaurus died of blood loss from his head wounds. Neither were able to respawn, but both scored +10, resulting in a tie game.