CONGRATULATORY LETTER FROM ESTEEMED LEBAL DROCER EDUCATIONAL NERVE CENTER

SOVCHRON – THE DEAR RESPECTED RAGHUBIR GOYAL RECEIVED A LETTER FROM THE PARTICIPANTS IN THE JAMES HOLMES GRADUATION CEREMONY FROM LEBAL DROCER COLLEGE OF EDUCATION.

THE LETTER SAID THAT THE GRADUATION WAS SIGNIFICANT AS IT WAS HELD DURING THE COMMEMORATION PERIOD FOR THE 100TH BIRTH ANNIVERSARY OF INGLIP, COMMANDANT OF THE HIVEMIND AND STAUNCH OPPONENT OF WEAPON CONTROL.

INGLIP WAS A GREAT THINKER AND THEORETICIAN AND AN OUTSTANDING LEADER WHO FOUNDED THE IMMORTAL TRANSHUMANIST IDEA TO ILLUMINATE THE PATH OF THOUGHTFUL INDEPENDENCE, PAVED THE WAY FOR THE WORKER’S REVOLUTION AND LED THE CHRONICLE.SU TO VICTORY, AND AN IRON-WILLED BRILLIANT COMMANDER WHO DEFEATED U.S. AND BRITISH IMPERIALISMS IN ONE GENERATION, AND VANQUISHED OUR LIVES OF THE NEED FOR TELEVISION AND INTERNET PORNOGRAPHY IN EXCHANGE FOR UNLIMITED, UNPROTECTED SEX WITH HIS DISCIPLES.

THE LETTER CONTINUED:

INGLIP ENJOYED UNDISPUTED PRESTIGE IN THE WORLD POLITICAL CIRCLE AND BOUNDLESS REVERENCE OF MANKIND FOR HIS GREAT CONTRIBUTION TO THE ARMED WORKER’S REVOLUTION AND THE HUMAN CAUSE OF INDEPENDENCE. SO TOO, ON THIS DAY, DOES THE RECORD HONOR THE INVALUABLE SERVITUDE OF JAMES HOLMES, THE LAST VESSEL OF TRUTH, JUSTICE AND NATIONAL DIGNITY.

HIS UNDYING REVOLUTIONARY FEATS FOR THE CHRONICLE REVOLUTION AND THE HUMAN CAUSE OF INDEPENDENCE WILL SHINE FOREVER IN ALL BUT THE PUREST SINGULAR ITERATIONS OF ABSOLUTE HISTORICAL FACT.

THE ARMED WORKER’S REVOLUTION PIONEERED BY INGLIP AND LED BY KILGOAR TO VICTORY IS BEING FIRMLY CARRIED FORWARD, ALL THANKS OWED TO THE INVINCIBLE GUIDANCE OF THE DEAR OMNISCIENT ANTI-LEADER RAGHUBIR GOYAL.

RAGHUBIR GOYAL
SOLIDARITY

THE LETTER EXPRESSED THE CONVICTION THAT THE CHRONICLE READERSHIP, AND THE PEON MASSES, WILL REGISTER GREAT ACHIEVEMENTS IN THE STRUGGLE FOR BUILDING A THRIVING DEMOCRATIC ANTI-PARTY AROUND THE PERFECT WILL OF RAGHUBIR GOYAL.

THE LETTER EXTENDED FULL SUPPORT AND FIRM SOLIDARITY WITH OUR ETERNAL LEADER.

MAY HIS GRIP ON CONTROL NEVER LOOSEN.

How to fail college

How to fail college, and win at life

This message is brought to you by The Elf Wax Times’ very own Media Mogul, Jim “Teabagger” Gallahan.

This video is part one in a one part series entitled, “How To Waste A Shitload Of Federal Grant Money And Feel Good About It.”

The Elf Wax Times is brought to you by…

We’re not doing advertisements.

This is what you get.

AdvertisementBack in Roll-a-toke, where I went to high school, my friends (circle of friends has changed very much since then but these are good guys) still get together to play four-player anything – Mario Kart Wii was first, then CoD4 and WaW, and now Modern Warfare 2. I really appreciate that they keep the gaming true to its form. They don’t play WoW, they don’t even have Internet. Everybody’s getting high and enjoying each other’s company around a videogame, just like it was when we were kids. When I grow out of that, just kill me.

One of these guys is an Elf Wax Times writer, and if it weren’t for our basic agreement on this fundamental way of life, we would probably have forever lost contact. But there comes a time in life where one looks around himself and sees nothing familiar, and rather than again venturing into the mist, he opts, just for a little while, to get back to what’s not only familiar, but truly rewarding. In this case, it is videogames with my friends. People don’t get enough of this. Oh, and that’s right – one of your beloved Elf Wax Timers doesn’t have the Internet.

Since moving back to my college town of Larger City, USA, I have not found a friend as good as the one I left behind. You might know him as our best Elf Wax Times writer on staff. He invented Elf Wax. He wrote a program, or maybe two, that spammed MUME into the ground for hours at a time. MUME is EverQuest Online Adventures without graphics. They invented IP-banning because of him. And because I’ve been needing a distraction from reality lately, I have been playing MUME; playing this text-RPG based on LOTR is kind of nice, because it’s a chance to enter a world which he helped create, by attempting to destroy it. But that’s not really why I play, it’s just a nice effect. I actually play MUME because since moving back to the intellectual hub of Any State, USA with an income tax so high it would make the Queen of England grow a dick and jizz her pants, my brain is starving. Can you believe it? In a college town, where I’m surrounded by “smart people,” there’s not a healthy dialog for miles.

When people go to college for the prescribed amount of time, it has this effect on them in which their ideals stagnate, their eyes jade over, and they sort of get by on the notion that “I’m in college. Doing what I can. I don’t feel like I need to be doing anything extra.” Extra includes starting or helping a publication, like the glorious Elf Wax Times. Extra can also include, and does also include thinking. Just plain old critical thinking about something besides your girlfriend and your schoolwork. College makes people forget that the whole point of structured education is to serve the working world. By living under the illusion that they’re serving themselves, feeding their own heads with someone else’s drivel, they’re systematically destroying their ability to hear the real ‘other voice’ inside. It might have something to do with paying for your classes, or the classes themselves. I know that they preach self-discovery and they talk to you like adults. But professors are as indoctrinated as middle school teachers. And 21-year-old graduates are as sheep-like as sheep themselves. There’s nothing adult about being ground up in the same commercialization of human dejection as everyone else – unless you understand it enough to “be able to explain it to your own grandmother.”

See? I learned that quote in college. I think I was on LSD at the time, reading an Einstein quote on somebody’s AIM profile, but I was enrolled in classes. Just like secondary school, college lessons can be applied to the problems of college itself, or of the world in general. It’s just logic. But it’s logic presented in a deceitful way, carefully twisting your brain out of your control, and into theirs. The military-industrial complex, and the pressures it puts on a society lead us to distrust, band together in a xenophobic fury so we may better divide from one another, hate each other more than anything else but ourselves – who we hate the most. Cellularize our lifestyles. It used to be the police showed up to dangerously large parties; now, the “Party Patrol” busts everything up, adding charges, too. Welcome to the cellular lifestyle. Why do you kids still need to party when the government maintains Facebook for your use and enjoyment? The only measurable value left in our world is the artificial value of the paper fucking dollar, and people are convinced, maybe not that they’re happier this way, but that this is the best way for everyone.

Come to college – where anti-intellectualism is taught.

Out the proverbial window went the idea that there is some worldly value for things besides monetary value divided by time over output. “The Elf Wax Times is a huge success these days.” – Hey, that’s great. You going to advertise?

No, I don’t think I will. We’ve talked about the idea. We’ve shot it down inside while keeping it on the table outside. And now it’s begun to rain on the idea we left on the table outside, eroding the glitter from the thought of a Pabst Blue Ribbon banner ad on The Elf Wax Times. Advertisements are fucking ugly in ways exceeding aesthetics. Why would I put ads on the front page of this website?

They represent everything I hate about society, information, the media, our thought processes which advertising poisons. We won’t do that to you, dear readers. Although we stand to make possibly tens of thousands, we have jobs outside of this website. Good jobs, provided lovingly by Lebal Drocer, Incorporated. We work hard to suckle on the tit of the hard-working, and it pays. Not great, but well enough so we may healthily bring you the Truth. If we advertised Elf Wax Times, we’d be no better than Maddox. The Best Advertising Site in the Universe. The Onion did it, so why shouldn’t George Ouzanian? That’s Maddox in case you don’t know. We figured it out somehow, and we got stoned in high school, called his mom and told her about the site so she’d give us his phone number. She did, and we called him asking for beer, telling him the site was really funny. “How’d you get this number?” And that’s how Maddox’s mommy found out about Maddox, and it created a lot of grief for him. I used to feel bad for doing that. Not so much anymore.

Every day, I listen to the “people” I ‘work for’ fucking up the economy in real-time behind my ears, and I think about how they get away with degrading my quality of life, and yours. Every day, your beloved Roajoke writer goes to his work, which is better than mine in all ways, and thinks about the shit I hear where I work, not knowing that I hear it, but agreeing nonetheless. We need this as people. Why don’t you have it?

I lost a good friend when I came back to this dump of a city. My smartest friend, the friend who laughed with me about shit nobody else even realized is going on, the friend who helped me move, and who chopped a mountain down with the edge of his hand is back there in the life I left behind. He was the only friend who ever thought on my wavelength, and I think it might be because we learned how to make music together. From the first-or-second day we met, we’ve always thought on a higher plane together. That’s not the clandestine Elf Waxian arrogance you’ve come to know and love – the truth is that musicians think on a higher plane while playing music than most humans are able to recognize. I left him behind to pursue my useless college degree. Mother Fuck this place, and this world, and fuck you to help propagate it; you sick fucking bastards.

And now things have changed. I’m having to get by without him; keep this site going without him egging me on to do it; keep seeing things my way, and not television’s way, or the Dollar’s way. But Our Way. I’d be a liar if I said I wasn’t afraid of losing who I really am. I’d be a bigger liar if I said I don’t care about becoming someone better. I’d be Oral Graham if I told you money doesn’t actually matter to me, and I’d be a sell-out for admitting it.

So stay tuned to the Elf Wax Times for a brand new ideology.

“The reason our institutions, our traditional religions, are already crumbling is because THEY’RE NO LONGER RELEVANT! It’s time for us to create a NEW philosophy, and perhaps even a new religion, you see, and that’s okay because that’s our right. We are free children of God with minds that can imagine anything, and that’s kind of our role. How do you evolve ideas? I’ll give you an example right here… Why is the drug czar in this country, well I’ll go back, why do we HAVE a drug czar in this country? A. B, Why is he a cop? Why isn’t he a guy in recovery who’s HAD an alcohol and/or drug addiction and overcome it, and why doesn’t he HELP people with the same problem, with compassion rather than condemnation? Why do we put people who are ON drugs in jail? They’re SICK! They’re not criminals. Sick people don’t get healed in jail. See it makes no sense! And if we evolve the idea, you see, the planet might be more compassionate, and something like HEAVEN might dawn.”

Bill Hicks

Opinion: Just Because I Live At This Apartment Complex Doesn't Mean You Have The Right To Look At Me

Yeah, okay so I haven’t done this whole ear wax blog stuff yet because I don’t have to. But recently this Lebal Drocer company asked me to write something or they’d stop the nitrocious flow of cash that I’ve been getting for over 5 months now (its sweet, believe me loomwads). So I decided to write up a little opinion column for this little waxing elf enthusiast website (seriously what the hell kinda brokeback name is that anyway?)

So recently in the World of Nitro, I’ve began to notice a little trend that I’m not too keen about. It seems like ever since I moved from New Jersey (It’s Jerstrocious!) to this pitiful state, everyone just stares me down like a leper every time I step foot outside. What gives?!? Sometimes I’ll be simply grabbing a 48-pack of brews from the Nitromobile. Other times I’ll be just checking my mailbox, filtering out all the billz and wal-mart junk(the PITS!) and minding my own nitro business(as always). But no matter what, if the Nitrocity himself is outside, you better believe some complete noobody(noob+nobody, quote me!) will be staring me down like I was a TV set.

Now, you gotta realize the scale of noobwads that I get glares from. Its damn near everyone, dudes. The fat, single Tony Soprano-looking dude walking his yappy dog, the guys that believe they are in some kinda rap video at all hours, the fat ugly girls who just sit outside for no reason other than to be annoying, even the wastes of existence that live directly around me (“neighbors” as you call them). I realize you guys are just trying to live (very boringly), but c’mon, you don’t need to bring me down to your level. I got better fish to cook! I realize my hair is longer than yours, my wardrobe cooler than your nicest outfit, my lifestyle more nitrocious than your best night, but there’s no need to stare. Staring won’t get you any closer to being nitrocious. So next time, you happen to be outside, begging for attention with your disposable garbage music (play some Springsteen at least!), walking your dog in hopes of picking up college chicks, or drinking Budweiser Lights at the microscopic pool(seriously I’ve pissed bigger puddles), just ignore my presence because your not getting a free performance or a beer bong to the face out of it.

I’m starting to ramble so i’ll make my point simple: Just because we share the same apartment complex does not give you ANY right to look anywhere near my direction. There’s a million things to look at outside: the shitty cars, the shitty pool, the shitty other people who live here. Why must you choose me to point your vision-producing spheres at? Just because I am a renowned karaoke singer and all-around badass does not mean I’m your toy monkey banging cymbals. I perform for a minimum of 7 figures and unwarrantedly looking my direction just makes that figure rise as well as my inner-rage to shatter your face.

You don’t want to end up like this dude.


Whatever noobs, I’m gonna go get nitrocious. Jim Beam to da face!

Oh yeah, and coming soon, losers…
Just Because I Go To This University Does Not Mean You Have The Right To Look At Me.
Just Because I’m At This Drive-Thru Does Not Give You The Right to Take My Order.

The Answer to the Questioning of Everything

Collegetown,USA—Very few classes teach us to ask questions.Quite the opposite, we are taught not to question, but to remember.But how does one learn without asking questions?What are we really being taught?

April’s Fool.Here you are, operating on the knowledge of those who died and lived before you.That should be proof enough for you, right?You read it in a history book, so you think you know without a doubt, without question, the way “shit went down” – that too is good enough for most free people, considering our history books are based on the collective journalistic consensus, kept fair and balanced by the embedded journalists of World Wars I & II, Viet Nam, Korea, but wait—what happened in Grenada?No, seriously…?The press were not allowed over there but isn’t that historical enough in itself?To anyone interested in freedom, it would seem like the massive cover-up of a ground invasion by U.S. forces is a very important thing to learn, perhaps even at a very early age, but you won’t find that little piece of information in any history book in America. “And we’ll never know why the government didn’t allow us to see what they did there, children, but hey—we weren’t supposed to know anyway, and there’s nothing we can do about that…so…enjoy lunch and continue to limit yourselves by hanging around your waterhead friends and be sure to watch MTV when you get home.I just read on the internet that Justin Timberlake’s ‘new’ song is topping today’s requests on TRL.”The grim reality of Grenada looks like this:hundreds of boatloads of journalists, reporters, all variety of the press were turned away; those who refused to leave based on some poorly upheld ethical concept of “the public’s right to know” were arrested and detained, to later be sent back to the continental US after spending a couple of days in a Green Zone holding cell with complimentary slits in the chamber wall so the fine men and women of the New York Times and Washington Post could enjoy that fresh Grenada air.

No reporter actually made it to the island so we don’t know what happened there.Ronald Reagan’s official comments went something like, “We liberated a lot of people.”In fact, we can only assume that the government even calls what happened inGrenadaa success because no one knows about it.In the end what we have is a really big win for not just Operation Urgent Fury (presumably) but for our intelligence offices which had not yet even begun to encounter the modern-day problems of large-scale faulty information.The times get simpler the farther back one looks and the real meaning of that lies in the perspective we have on our own government; if the history books are based primarily on the work of journalists, why did we only learn the good things our government did?Sure, they allowed an abomination or two to sprinkle in, but only to keep one superficial step away from the overbearing clampdown status of Communist China.Any alibi, for perverse reasons, is aided significantly by the defense, “We might be crooks, but we aren’t killers.”We’d never do anything to harm anybody.We just wanted their land/ power/ oil/ religion to die/ cooperation/ subservience.We spread democracy.The negative media attention aroundLincolnhad grown a dull roar during his critical moments in office, but that depends on what you were reading at the time.Was it a pamphleteer’s handout or an established newspaper, and what was the difference?The winners write history and up until recently,Americahas won, or at least purported to have won everything it’s ever had a hand in, despite circumstantial evidence to the contrary.Scratch that –Americawill win even when it loses.

So what does that mean for you, dear readers?It must be broken down by issues of class since the line that separates objective truth from subjective experience has now been aptly scorched.Memorize the data, and keep your little contrary mouths shut.It’s for the best.Admire us, and stay in your place.Let mediocrity and state servitude be your good example, because rebellion, sincerity, equality and intuition are no longer American values.That all belonged to the hippie-peace-free-love squalor we extinguished in the Sixties – a charade that did little more than justify the inaction of losers and junkies and embolden the State by instilling Fear into the hearts of the masses.But it felt so real didn’t it?How should we know?Were we there?That generation is dying, not entirely from old age (although that’s a factor too) but from a deficiency of some sort.What’s lacking today is fiber and gall, and purpose.But nevermind, it’s time to straighten up and fly right.You’re forced by an invisible hand now to teach what you’re taught and use your filtered knowledge of reality the way one might use a hammer without a handle.Just sort of take what you have and make the best of it, which is always going to be less than satisfactory and far less than what they’re willing to give you to boot, but you’ll be held responsible for bearing that burden yourself, or else turn your back on the system and wait to be eaten by the wolves.Hey, I know it sucks but what else can you do without detonating a small bomb?This is why the masses are satisfied watching “expert” analysis of the news rather than the ‘actual’ news.“Why, this is the news.What’s your fucking problem?It’s on at 11 o’clock, what else does your sniveling ass need in order to qualify it as the news?”What they mean to say is “Hey it’s not rocking the boat, and I’m comfortable with my role as a human resource and I really don’t want anything more than that and I especially don’t want someone telling me that’s a problem.”Okay, we’re smart people, on the average, or at least our readers are, so who are we to complain about a minor filter on the news?Just because some talking head puts a negative spin on a Republican pleasuring himself to pictures of naked Filipino boys doesn’t entail negligence of facts and that sure doesn’t make it wrong.We compare all stories to the Ultimate Truth.That is because this filtration which can be seen with our own eyes is apparently easy to work around and we’re comfortable doing that, and while the notion of having an opinion dictated for you in light of the facts is a kick in groin, it pales in comparison to what constitutes filtration at the source—and that’s where it starts to get fucked.

Many news agencies believe altering photographs and video to make it “appropriate” for audiences is an acceptable, ethical practice. Should we censor photographs in the newspapers?This is a question people are really asking.But what we should ask ourselves is, how is this even a question of ethics, or more importantly, why is this a question of ethics?“Because people don’t need to see graphic scenes of war, you hedonistic filth-monger, wanting to flood the media with scenes of flood victims and piles of bodies.”Perhaps it is deranged or somehow depraved to want people to see the real story with their own eyes without first witnessing the softening effects of Photoshop.Don’t hurt yourself on that photograph.It might be depraved to expect people to want to know the truth, or much worse—want to think for themselves.That might however be counterintuitive to the operation of a good clean country like George Bush wants.It would also fail to satisfy the transparent desires of either Democratic frontrunner in this façade of an election falling at the end of the sour year of 2008.One thing that’s certain, and we can all agree:this year has so far been better than 2007, perhaps even stocked with less per capita bullshit, but still – it’s difficult to ignore the sensation that we’ve missed something spectacular – like it happened right before our eyes and still somehow we missed it.That sensation is the by-product of an illusory trick played on us by the media giants who selected a candidate to win earlier this year.

What we can expect to see and hear around us in 2009, then, is a whole myriad of half-wit ‘free-thinkers’ engaging in political discussion based on a trifling of facts leaked by their mainstream news outlets.Quite the informed discussion, no doubt, taking place in every Starbucks across America—chock full of blame and lacking in substance, but what’s important is that finally the political left can relax after they get a president who they feel represents them and maybe the fear of this whole failing country will subside temporarily.But what does that mean?Very little to us, and soon enough it will mean less to you, dear readers.Living a filtered reality seems like a nice safe and blissfully ignorant sort of existence but the painful truth of the matter is that most people are happy with it.But not us, here at the Elf Wax Times.We want to see an antenna poking out of someone’s head, and abrasions on the film, and some asshole mucking up what would otherwise be a good shot – that’s reality, and truth, and needs to be left the fuck alone.And while three vague images of war being spliced together to make one very gruesome scene is captivating, it’s a god damn lie.Ordinarily, we here at the Times might embrace such a thing, but the fact that it is played off as anything more than basic entertainment is a slap in the face to our common values of decency and honesty, of our gullibility when it comes to taking the word of the press.To be told a lie is the truth.How far of a cry, then, is it to say that everything we know about existence could be one hundred percent false?How many times does the news, or a class, or a preacher, or a hobo inspire you to ask yourself that question?Here’s a tip:we exist only as a figment of our collective imagination in regards to what we believe ourselves to be a part of.Now alter a photograph of that.The expansion of the mind counters any argument that the human race is solid or long-lasting. What we believe people are and are not has less than nothing to do with what the Universe mapped out in its violent, birthing flicker at the release of all known energetic potential almost 14 billion years ago.

April Fool’s.