Terrorist Edward Snowden May Walk Free

Snowden-NSA
CHRONICLE.SU– NSA whisteblower Edward Snowden betrayed fellow Americans by revealing critical national secrets to our fascist enemies.

HONG KONG– You may already know the dubious tale of 29-year-old Edward Snowden, the anti-American ex-NSA contractor-turned-defector who recently leaked valuable national secrets to our enemies.

But what you don’t know about Snowden involves his diabolical scheme to escape into the lawless hands of Hong Kong, landlocked by the irrevocable sin of mainland Communist China.

Although Hong Kong is part of a “one country, two systems” situation, China can veto extradition requests, contradicting the extradition treaty the weak government of Hong Kong has held – since 1997 – after the city was returned to the totalitarian regime with which Snowden is now aligned.

From behind the Great Firewall of China, Snowden hopes to be whisked away by Chinese authorities who may “press” him for precious national security tips, but not before growing famous enough to garner public support for his supposedly “heroic” acts of anti-American aggression against innocent Americans.

A toxic ideology of reverse “patriotism” is now spreading which led Private Bradley Manning, whom Snowden called a “whistleblower . . . inspired by the public good,” to publicly reveal military secrets to our enemies.

Snowden, a master of exploiting legal loopholes, roots around in a broken Communist system of asylum-seeking perpetuity.

He buys time for himself, moving between hotels, racking up exorbitant room service bills with total disregard for the Americans whose national security he’s thrown to the wind.

CIA agents voraciously track Snowden through back alleys of Hong Kong. May God be with our brave soldiers, and may He have mercy on our souls.

New Miracle breakthrough drug containing dead baby flesh “adds years” to your sex life

Knock-off baby dust pills "not as good as the real thing"SEOUL — A New Miracle™ breakthrough coming out of Lebal Drocer Laboratories and Pharmaceuticals that promises to beat competitors by curing erectile dysfunction as well as performance anxiety, “whiskey-dick” and numerous other problems with male genitalia, has men a-Twitter in the shadow of their own sexual inability.

Said 44-year-old Richmond, Virginia trucker Gary Malosky, “I’m just happy something came along to repair all this damage I done to my pecker abusing stimulants to stay awake on them 13-hour-long drives.”

Already, Chinese piracy is ravaging the good, honest American profiteering of Lebal Drocer, known around the world for bringing you the finest in male enhancement supplements that get your cock rock hard. The knock-off pills being smuggled around the Republic of Korea are a profitable by-product of forced Communist Chinese abortions. Inside capsules comprised of old strips of leather is a tightly packed concentration of powder made from raw fetus and baby parts, which are chopped up and ground into a fine dust. The problem with this is Chinese abortions are an inferior source of baby dust, unlike American range-fed white babies brought to full term in a controlled environment.

American Free Range (TM) by Lebal Drocer
American Free Range (TM) children grow up to make better, wetter baby dust.

BUYER BEWARE

THOUGH THESE PILLS CONTAIN THE DEAD BABY DUST YOUR BODY IS ALREADY ACCUSTOMED TO, THE PILLS BEING TRADED OUT OF SOUTH KOREA ARE NOT THE SAME AS THE OFFICIAL MALE ENHANCEMENT BABY DUST PILLS SOLD BY LEBAL DROCER. SOME USERS HAVE INGESTED A RARE SUPERBACTERIA FOUND ONLY IN CHINESE INFANTS USED IN THE INFERIOR PILL-MAKING PROCESS TAILORED TO THE EASTERN BLACK MARKET.

Hard-core users have chosen to crush and snort the baby dust pills for instant gratification. This is dangerous, however, because the pills are oftentimes made in China and therefore contain high levels of chromium, a toxic element used as a “wood preservative” but not in the member-hardening way originally intended by Lebal Drocer Pharmaceuticals.

Lebal Drocer Spokesman Raleigh Theodore Sakers told Chronicle.su the chromium found in his patented male enhancement pill is “safe enough for human ingestion through the stomach,” but he warned users the drug, if snorted, “will go straight to the brain, causing immediate, satisfying erections with the very likely possibility of sudden death.”

“I recommend it… Highly.”

Dr. Angstrom H. Troubedaur

THIS JUST IN

NEW FROM LEBAL DROCER PHARMACEUTICALS!

BABY DUST LOTION

Baby Dust Lotion by Lebal Drocer Pharmaceuticals
“We make you sick, and then we make you better.” –The Lebal Drocer Promise

“Try the new Baby Dust Lotion and satisfy her in bed all night long! This new paste comes with the Chinese Communist Lebal Drocer guarantee she will ‘love you long time!'”

Raleigh T. Sakers, Lebal Drocer, Inc.

Just rub it on your limp cock!

It’ll grow bigger. Guaranteed!

Ask your doctor about the New Miracle™ breakthrough male enhancement product guaranteed to change your sex life today!

This message is brought to you ceremoniously by Lebal Drocer, Inc.
We own everything that matters.

Stay tuned for a special message about New Miracle babydust from CHRONICLE.SU’s very own Old Brutus!

<CUE INFOMERCIAL>

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The Superions

In a far away galaxy there was a small planet orbiting a small star. The planet was inhabited by a very successful creature that considered itself so intelligent as to be above all other life forms. They called themselves the Superions. The Superions had been able to harness fire for a very long time and made devices that used fire to do just about anything.

The Superions considered themselves more evolved than the other life forms on the planet despite the fact that all forms had evolved for the same amount of time from a single organism. A long time ago, a group of protoSuperions gathered around a fire and decided that they were no longer going to behave like the other life forms.

Competition drove all life to evolve and change, but Superions went mad with it. They killed eachother for fire and enslaved eachother out of what they called mercy. They delighted in driving large herds of Jerro-Jerro off of cliffs when they were able to consume or otherwise use no more than one percent of the deceased matter. Jerro-Jerro are now extinct. Superions built enormous fires of living vegetable matter to appease their Gods and prove time and time again that vegetable matter could not compete.

Superions created a scoring system in which each individual was rewarded points for successful acts of competition. These points were exchanged between Superions so that each individual could specialize in a certain field of competition and become very good at it. Some Superions were not very good at normal kinds of competition, so they began to compete at manipulating the point system itself. They took points from others in exchange for the service of transferring points and made a creative pursuit out of manipulating the points in their favor. This was called Freeism. Some Superions rejected Freeism and felt that the points would be better if distributed evenly. Those Superions who were made responsible for distributing the points of course gave as many as they could to themselves. This was called Sharism.

The Sharists called the Freeists greedy, and the Freeists called the Sharists crooked. They were both right. Different Superions simply used different ideas to trick eachother into giving away their points. Superions who gathered points for the sake of gathering points never gave them away at all except in efforts to gain more points. The most effective type of competition was to find a region of the planet where Superions were generally disliked by Superions from other regions. Sharists and Freeists disliked eachother, and both had gained many points. With clever exploitation of this enmity and an appropriate application of their points, they made and lost points to each other many times. Billions of Superions died thinking they were fighting for Freeism or Sharism and did not realize they were only trying to gain points for their masters.

One day, a smart Superion realized that the Superions with most of the points were not successful at any real kind of competition. They were just criminal tricksters who would rather see the world die than stop acquiring points. A long time later, a smarter Superion realized that he must also be a trickster in order to fix this broken point system. He sat down and spent the most important half hour of Superion history writing a story about aliens called Humans in a far away galaxy with the ridiculous name of Milky Way. Humans had a thing called money, very similair to the Superion point system. The Human beings in his story used their money to create a new kind of fire that was much more effective and dangerous. He absurdly called this new kind of fire Nuclear Fission. Humans could eradicate entire regions of Earth with less money than ever before. The Humans with a lot of money bought so many Nuclear Fission devices that they inevitably destroyed themselves in an effort to take money from each other. A lot of Superions read this story and eventually decided to create a limit to the point system. No Superion could ever get more than a certain amount of points. They were still able to gain a lot of points, but not enough to destroy themselves like those stupid made up Humans.

Violeta “Macarena” Rosu

Children Underground
From the documentary Children Underground

Roanoke, Va.– It was six o’clock in the morning. I couldn’t sleep, so I put on a documentary. Still unable to sleep, I watched it.

It turns out after the fall of Communism, 20,000 Romanian children went homeless. Children Underground is a “hands-off” documentary focusing on about five of a larger group of children living in the subway system under Piata Victoriei.

As I watched the documentary, I fixated on one of the children, a teenager named Violeta Rosu, who was born in 1986, like me. She does not know her real name, and all her life has been called “Macarena” because it is her favorite song. All the children featured in the documentary were addicted to Aurolac paint, but Macarena was apparently the most addicted. She even replaced food with paint, because it made the hunger go away.

Macarena doesn’t know her name, and as of the making of this documentary, had not yet realized she, too, is born of a mother, like “normal” people.

As the sun came up, I stared out the window, reflecting on how tragically beautiful she is. Nobody will help her. No one will save her. I guess there are not enough rich horny men willing to scoop up the sob stories in Romania like there are here in America. So hey…I’ll take her. But, what can I do?

This documentary was shot in 2001. I assumed that because of her obvious weakness, subtle beauty, and exposure due to this documentary, someone must surely have helped her. In fact, someone did help a small boy from the same documentary. But the story is not as good for my dear friend Violeta “Macarena” Rosu since 2004. A social worker interviewed an incoherent Macarena in 2008, and reported she graduated to heroin and sleeps outdoors. [UPDATE: I GOT THE REPORTER TO ADMIT THIS IS A LIE – she met Macarena and reported she is addicted to heroin based only on her appearance and rumors] Regardless, at this stage to look in Violeta’s eyes is probably to confront a zombie – if her situation is that good. As of this year, she is presumed dead, or dying.

I am enraged by the filmmaker, Edet Belzberg, and even the social worker who found her two years ago and still did nothing for her, but instead for themselves, using this innocent girl to move up in their careers. I have been unable to shake Macarena from my memory. I think about her too often, and look at my own well-being with shame and guilt. I want to do something for her. I am disgusted that she may soon die.

It is against US Immigration laws to bring an addict into the country, especially just to help them survive. Should I have married her? Even if it meant she would die as my immigrant wife of a heroin overdose under my watch, at least she’d die in a warm bed, and not some cold, wet park bench.

I feel like there is nothing I can do. So I made this video, and now I sit here quietly, wondering if she is even alive.

I saw Piata Victoriei today. It’s cold and rainy.

Internet addiction 'doubles teen self harm'

First off, lol.

The photo you see here accompanied the headline on this horribly-formatted website. Or, I can demonstrate it for you, and I’ll even throw in the ten seconds of editing that these lazy fucks clearly could not be bothered with. Or maybe they simply check to make sure their ads work in IE and say fuck the rest. Read to the end for the terrible truth.

Internet addiction ‘doubles teen self-harm’

These girls are probably just efficiently sexting.
These girls are probably just efficiently sexting.

By This N0t-So-Anonymous Douchebag.

Holy tits. It’s a story using Chinese research, you know this is legit.

Since the mid-1990s, addiction to the Internet has been classified as a mental illness (lol). The study published today in Injury Prevention, a state-owned magazine about preventing injury, aides the Chinese in a practice natural selection has been fine-tuning since before the dawn of time – basic survival – by insinuating that children who use the internet a lot will be twice as likely to self-harm.

The self-harming is in no way related to the oppressive conditions under the Chinese dictatorship, the study reported. “In fact, a large percentage of self-harm may be due to an excessive exposure to any emotion other than pure love for the State,” the Elf Wax Scientific Journal (already) reported in August.

One kid was harming the shit out of himself before the study began, and the attention he gained from being studied “subsided all abnormal, anti-social behavior.” However, this did not stop Chinese authorities for arresting the child on a possession charge for having too much more attention than other people in the country, a severe violation of the principles of Communism.

Other factors were accounted for in the study, this shitty article reports, “such as lifestyle, stressful events, the Chinese ban on both reproduction and masturbation, home environments, and others.

For this survey, self-harm meant something like pinching, cutting, burning, hair-pulling and intentionally holding in the feces for long periods of time.

—————————————————————————

Let it be known that we here at The Elf Wax Times do not click on “Twitter” accounts – not even our own. Should we ever link to some shit-eating website we do not like, trust, or even want you to see, we right-click and select “copy link location” so we don’t waste our high-speed 56k internets on shit sites that don’t spell Truth.

The site we’ve referenced here is special, because it came about as the product of a powerful new blog software by Lebal Drocer that feeds Google news into the front end, Google images for relevant pictures, and AI-generates a story out its back end, throws all that shit together into broken div elements and just spews out an excuse for advertisements, which are also generated by keywords.

How to Maintain Power

You’ve risen to power and have begun your regime by ordering society the way you see most fit. Perhaps you’ve stolen an election, denied freedom of the press, or even set the wheels of genocide in motion. No one said that consolidating power is easy, but you’ve done what you had to do and I don’t blame you.

And now, those bastards you pulled out of the gutters have decided they don’t know what is good for them. They’re speaking out against your actions and at some point you knew it would come to this. The people have amassed in your capital and are staging daily protests against your policies.

The first thing you can try to do is shut down media sources. Pull the plug on the information flow and disable the internet. Shut down phone lines and imprison any who are responsible for printing dissident material. Usually this will stop the life blood of your peon’s insurrection quite quickly. There may be dwindling protests for another day, but they will lose heart and you have almost guaranteed that their movement will not grow.

State controlled media is your best tool in this hour, and you should let the propaganda flow like what was left of last night’s Taco Bell. Any protest always represents a vast minority of public opinion, and while the protests are currently non-violent, the protesters must be represented as the escalating faction. Blame the hated political faction of your region whether they be Communists or Capitalists. Any fear you can generate will be a great aid to your power.

In some cases, protests may still occur even after you have taken care of dissident leaders and disabled all communication. This is a sign that you will most likely have to take extra measures. DO NOT BE HASTY IN PUTTING DOWN THE INSURRECTION. There is a list of things you must do before taking care of the uprising to ensure your country’s continued existence.

Firstly, have your secret police remove any foreign reporters immediately. Be extremely careful that not even one reporter leaks a single image or word after a certain point. Jail them if completely necessary, but do not treat them with the iron fist you are about to unleash upon your people. The less they have to tell, the better.

Make a gesture of goodwill to the protesters so that your propaganda machine will be able to paint you in a positive light. Do not attempt to appease the protesters, as they want to change your agenda. You must offer them a trifling insult of what they are illegally petitioning you for-an act of graceful enlightenment in the face of their ugly hatred. You can now continue with the last phase of dealing with your insurrection.

By this point, the protesters will have resorted to petty acts of violence as a way to get your attention. This is where you let the hammer fall, and let it fall hard. Even in China, the threat of military force has only angered and outraged citizens into further dissidence. Do not attempt to threaten with force at all. The protesters will assemble around the clock in their angry desperation and you can take advantage of this. Wait until the dark of night and cut off the power grid. At this point, you can let the tank treads do the rest.

Drawing on the successes and failures of other countries, I have outlined the bare essentials of putting down an insurrection. There may be many other factors involved in different situations, but remember: You know best, because you are the leader. Otherwise, you would not be in control.

China pirates self


In an astonishing blow to the country’s economy, China has managed to duplicate itself in the Communist state’s most recent piracy spree.

China(2), as experts are now calling it, will be placed on the country’s Desktop until room can be made in the State External Hard Drive (Taiwan). However, Taiwan is not ready to store the pirated nation until China agrees to a deal in which their service is exchanged for humanitarian respect. Because Taiwan expects something in return for their work, Chinese correspondents report that the separated nation runs a serious risk of looking like Metallica for taking such a “Lars Ulrichy” stance on piracy, declaring them, quote, “Big whiny pussies.”

Paradoxically, when China(2) was downloaded illegally off the Internet, the Chinese “Hong Kong’s-Disney Land Is-Too-Far-So-Bring-Your-Family-To-This-Amusement-Park-Instead” knockoff became an officially licensed Walt Disney World, complete with Snow White and the Seven Dwarves, as well as other public domain stories and characters for which copyrights have been hijacked and redeployed for profits.

Also, scientists say that due to the lossy compression method of the recently downloaded China(2), its lead content has nearly halved, and the new country’s methods of corruption are already effecting the integrity of the Communist State’s underlying systems of internal exchange.

“One can watch as [the document] collapses in on itself before the eyes,” said Chinese(2) correspondent Jack Danielson. “In a vacuum, China(2) can not stand up to its own self-annihilation. The isolated economy of China(2) seems to have backwashed on itself and the citizens appear to be resorting to Capitalism as a means of survival. It is unprecedented.”

China is available for download on Apple’s iTunes for US $.99 and a nominal sign-up fee. The paid, legal copy comes fully stocked with connections to North Korea and Russia, and unlike its pirated counterpart, poisons babies with formula replaced by authentic Chinese cleaning powders.